dying of heartbreak is there hope for us?

[alir1]

Just a bit of background. My boyfriend is 52 and i am 42. He has been separated from his wife 2 years and myself 1 year. His kids are 19 and 24 mine are 10,12,13 to which i have them 50% of the time. We've been together for 6 months and from the first minute I met him I fell in love with him. Our relationship was perfect 10+ chemistry 10+ compatibility 10+ in everything. We never had a fight we could spend days together and never get sick of one another. It was truly perfect! From the start I asked him if my kids would be a problem. He said no everyone has kids and if they didn't I probably wouldn't have anything in common with them. At the 3 month mark I introduced them. I told him then I didn't want him to meet them if he wasn't in it for the long haul. He said I know what I'm getting into. From then on we've been practically living together. He's amazing with my kids and they loved having him around. At Christmas he was here for 12 days straight. His daughter spent xmas with us. I thought after that we'd be together forever. Since that time work has ramped up for him and he's travelling almost every week, his mom who is 87 is sick and he's taking care of her. He is living with her renovating his house, his son who lives 17 hours away (where he used to live) is begging for him to come visit him. He has a tonne on the go. When he left after Christmas he said I'm so attached to you I don't want to leave. We had plans to go away with the kids skiing for a few days in march, his xmas present to us all. A 3 day trip booked for us in the summer. Lots of small talk about future. Then 2 weeks ago I went to book a trip for the 5 of us to go south for a week. He said I can't go away I have too much to do. I didn't get angry but was a bit sad and he saw it. A few days after that he said I'm starting to think we're too far apart. I was so shocked I said really? He said it broke his heart to see me so upset and I should be with someone who wants to do these things with me and not a selfish old man. He left for work for the week and he mentioned he wasn't sleeping and couldn't get it out of his head. I saw him the next weekend and perfect wkd. Before he left I said we good and he said yes of course I'll see you next wkd. On monday while he was travelling he said again I don't want to loose you but I can't get it out of my head. I said you want to break up with me. He said I don't want to I'm just talking it out with you i feel sick to my stomach. He was travelling with his coworker and one of his best friends. On Thursday he texted me saying he wanted to talk. I figured out he was breaking up with me. He said I love you but we're in 2 different stages I want you to be with someone in your stage of life it's not fair to you. He said he himself could not go back 10 years when he's finally free. We couldn't live together for atleast 8 years til my kids are grown up and he has his house 45 minutes away. He said he talked it out with his friend and his friend said he had to let me go. Since that time I haven't slept in 4 days. I've been hyperventilating crying and I just can't believe it. A complete blindside. I'm absolutely devastated beyond words. He came to get his stuff 3 days later and we talked again. I understand all his reasonings and i truly feel he's doing it for me. I want him to spend that time with his sick mom and on his house and with his kids. I found out that day his son who is far away was begging him to visit and said have fun with your new family. I know that must have killed him. I feel like I have to let him go too so he can do the things he needs to do. He spent 20 years taking care of his family and now he needs to take care of himself. He thinks my kids are struggling because of my separation with thier father and should have my full attention and my being with him is taking away from that. Also he said he feels like an old man because he's following me to hockey rinks and doing things he's already done 10 years ago. He truly wants me to be with someone in my stage of life.

Sorry for the long post but to sum it up i feel like we truly love each other and he is breaking up for me and i am letting him go for him. How sad is that! I don't want to beg for him back I keep saying give him time but it's brutal! He did text me the occasional small talk. I'm holding so much hope that if i give him time to take care of the things he needs to take care of he'll change his mind. It feels like such a risk though. What do I do my heart is absolutely breaking and I want him back more then anything!

I should add that one of the things he said is he can't get anything done in his own life because he's so attached to me. I said I want you to do those things lets just take time apart so you can and i can do the things i need to do. He won't. He also said he's getting so attached to my kids he thinks its better to end it now then a year or 2 in and hurt everyone later. We are just in 2 different stages of life. Also his kids were hell as teenagers and he can' t go through that again and I have 3. he feels he'd be setting himself up for disaster and stress when he's finally free of all that. please help! i'm dying!

I think that he's very volatile. I would write him a letter saying that you're both busy and won't be able to see each other much but when you do it's amazing, so worth it. Maybe suggest cutting down on time spent together and making the most of when you do spend time together. Also look at it being more just you two rather than a family get together. Your kids don't need a father and it sounds like you very quickly and he put him in a father role.

Gosh all this heartache and only 6 months in. OP I'm sorry to hear how upset you are but I'd leave it. It's not worth it. He doesn't want to parent someone's kids and as he said he doesn't want to go back ten years. As sad as it is let him go.

He's being honest with you OP. I know it hurts so so much but honestly it sounds like if you patch things together now you'll end up breaking up anyway in a few months

oh god this is killing me. I know it's only been 6 months. that is why can't believe how upset i am. i suggested time apart.i suggested slowing it down. i suggested only hanging when the kids aren't around. he said i come as a package and he would never do that to me. that its horrible to say he only wants to see me when i don't have the kids. he said it's not the kids its our stages of life. I said you know we're perfect together, you know we're completely compatible, you know we could have a great life together. he said i'm not denying that. it's 100% not you. i love everything about you but this is what i feel is best for both of us.

so i guess my overall question is if i let him go will he come back?? he said maybe he'll see the light, we must remain friends, maybe another time but the timing is off right now. he's just such a nice person i don't think i could ever move on and no one could ever compare. i don't want to loose him!!

I'm not sure I'd believe him. It's a very long winded 'It's not you, it's me'.

i believe him. when he picked up his things he was almost crying. he said this is killing me as much as it's killing you. i have all the same feeling as you are having.

It sounds like he's got issues. To move so quickly and insist on involving kids etc and then to cry off so melodramatically...

He's not having the same feelings as you though, is he?

You wouldn't do what he's doing.

i think he does have a lot of issues from his past marriage and kids. he's been through a lot and still has a lot on his plate. i think he is having the same feelings as me but he said he has spent 2 years making himself happy again and he can't risk it. i've had that thought i guess he doesn't love me enough or this wouldn't happen. i think he does though he's just very set in his beliefs and morals. he thinks he needs to and is doing the right thing for both of us and for his kids, and for my kids and for his mom. i think he's making a huge mistake which is why i'm having the hardest time with it. why would you throw love away? am i being unrealistic? i feel like he started having the thoughts, which were valid, and then his friend told him he was nuts to go back to someone with 3 kids. of course he would say that. i think even if he does realize his mistake and want me back he won't do that to me. he truly wants me to be happy.

He's making this so complicated. If he truly loves you and was truly committed, these 'barriers' wouldn't matter. None of these things are deal breakers to a normal relationship?!

I'm sorry OP but he's just making excuses.

He seems quite selfish to me and it's pretty horrible really to put you and your dc through this so early on. I don't think he knows what he wants but it's not this, I'm afraid. After his marriage break up, he might just want some space or a carefree no-strings fling.

Time to be angry, not upset. He's wasted your time and energy. Allow yourself to grieve but then you need to move on. You can do better and you deserve better than this

Hi OP I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's awful when you meet someone and fall in love and other things conspire to keep you apart.

I've been in a very similar situation. My children were 12 and 14 when I met my partner. His 3 children were in their early 20s and left home.

It was extremely difficult balancing my relationship with my partner and my children. We didn't move in together and always lived separately. My DC liked him a lot.

My kids went through turbulent times during their teenage years and it was extremely tough. There's no way my DP could have lived with us. He was around a lot and stayed over some nights. However he could always leave if they kicked off.

My DC are now 19 and 22 and have recently moved out. I was delighted to get some freedom. One of my DC developed a mental health illness and her behaviour can be unpredictable and sometimes aggressive.

My partner was very supportive but he was pushed to the limit by her behaviour.

I had thought all along that things would change and my DP and I would live happily living apart. We get on like a house on fire.

This morning was stressful for me trying to sort out some financial stuff. My partner was here and noticed that DD had turned off the internet and had knocked the box off the wall leaving it hanging by the wires. He was cross over her carelessness which is extremely common. She is chronically careless.

He blamed her (she wasnt here) and we got into a row culminating with him storming off. He doesn't usually react like this.

I truly believe our relationship is put under undue pressure by the fact that his DC are adults living away from home and my daughter is still causing disruption. My son could return home and his lifestyle involves a lot of late nights etc.

My DP has reared his DC and doesn't need this crap. To be 100% brutally honest I wouldn't have got into this relationship had I known how much trouble my DC have caused and how much it impacted on my partner.

I understand how your partner feels. It's really sad because you sound like you really care for one another and you are both decent people.

I understand where both of you are coming from and I struggle with it.

he knows he's being selfish that is why he thinks i should be with someone else that's not. he doesn't want no strings he dated quite a bit before we met. when i asked why now why did you say age didn't matter and kids didn't matter at the beginning. he said stupid honeymoon stage dislodged his brain and he just loved being with me. he said he wants it all with me and can't have it. i need to raise my kids which i agree. i cannot be angry with him because i understand where he's coming from. now that we're more serious and past honeymoon the logic is setting in he thinks we're perfect but then he thinks he's 52 and i'm 42 and it's not fair to either of us. i don't for one second think he's making excuses. i believe everything he is saying. i can see he's dying inside. that's what's killing me too. if i could be angry it'd be a heck of a lot easier.

LakeIsle48 - yes it sounds exactly the same. i think he does think he'd be setting himself up for disaster with my kids. as great as they are they're kids and will be teenagers and there's 3 of them. one of them atleast will be trouble of some sort. i understand why he wouldn't want to put himself back in this situation. but why would you risk love? it's a risk both ways i guess. so what is your advice....do i let him go??

Do you have a choice OP?

I know, it's awful. Everyone thinks heartbreak is when someone doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. In my experience it's much more painful when you really want to be in a relationship that can't work because of other external factors. I'm the same age as your DP and understand where he is coming from.

I agree with the pp who described his reasoning as a long-winded 'it's not you, it's me'. The things he's saying might be underlying factors in why he doesn't see a future with you, but ultimately he just isn't into you enough to continue the relationship. Don't dwell on the different reasons he's given because they're not really important - try to accept his decision, and look towards the future.

I think he's being nice about it, but I'd say the dealbreaker for him is that he would have to go back in time to rearing 3 teens.
He doesn't sound like he's going to budge I'm afraid.
You're just not right for him at this time in his life, so hard as it is, you'll have to accept his decision.
It's heartbreaking I know.

It sounds as if it got intense very quickly and he got carried away.

Now, the reality of being with someone who has three dependent children, one still at primary school, is hitting him.

If he were genuinely in love with you this wouldn't be a deal breaker. It's not as though you'd stop him visiting his son a couple of times a year.

I think that his feelings have changed and he's devastated about hurting you not about losing you.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this when it was so promising just a few weeks ago.

When you ask 'why would you risk love' I can only say that love isn't a guarantee and love can be battered by the stresses and strains of day to day life.

Sorry OP but he's backing away and trying not to do it too abruptly for fear of hurting you. His heart's not in it. Better to know 6 months in than later.

His Christmas present to you all was a skiing trip in March, hopefully you've got the tickets for that and the summer trip too. Otherwise he gave you nothing.

What about his poorly mum over Christmas when he stayed with you for 12 days, his DD too. I'm really hoping you didn't finance it all.

You’re being manipulated. He’s not a nice man and he’s not stable. You’ve fallen for a complete ruse. You make this impassioned statement about how you never argued. 🙄 you’ve only been together 6 months and now this!! Most people I know who are together longer have less drama. None of this is normal. At the 1st sign of you having a slight negative emotion (being sad about the trip idea) he bailed. Everything was fine and dandy as long as you smiled, were happy, adored him and hero worshipped him. Slight niggle (which is normal in normal relationships) he not only heads for the hills, he creates an earthquake to get there!! Take a breath and read back what you’ve written. You are far too invested for only a few months. You’ve put this weirdo on a pedestal with this over romantic lahdedah nonsense going on. It wasn’t going to last because you are both human. Look how volatile and manipulative he’s become? I’m sorry but you were sold a lying dud and you’ve now seen his true colours. It hurts but time to rip of the band aid. Cut all contact. Seek therapy and stop snivelling over a lying weirdo

Bin him off his life is too complicated.