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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dying of heartbreak is there hope for us?

62 replies

alir1 · 28/01/2019 11:30

Just a bit of background. My boyfriend is 52 and i am 42. He has been separated from his wife 2 years and myself 1 year. His kids are 19 and 24 mine are 10,12,13 to which i have them 50% of the time. We've been together for 6 months and from the first minute I met him I fell in love with him. Our relationship was perfect 10+ chemistry 10+ compatibility 10+ in everything. We never had a fight we could spend days together and never get sick of one another. It was truly perfect! From the start I asked him if my kids would be a problem. He said no everyone has kids and if they didn't I probably wouldn't have anything in common with them. At the 3 month mark I introduced them. I told him then I didn't want him to meet them if he wasn't in it for the long haul. He said I know what I'm getting into. From then on we've been practically living together. He's amazing with my kids and they loved having him around. At Christmas he was here for 12 days straight. His daughter spent xmas with us. I thought after that we'd be together forever. Since that time work has ramped up for him and he's travelling almost every week, his mom who is 87 is sick and he's taking care of her. He is living with her renovating his house, his son who lives 17 hours away (where he used to live) is begging for him to come visit him. He has a tonne on the go. When he left after Christmas he said I'm so attached to you I don't want to leave. We had plans to go away with the kids skiing for a few days in march, his xmas present to us all. A 3 day trip booked for us in the summer. Lots of small talk about future. Then 2 weeks ago I went to book a trip for the 5 of us to go south for a week. He said I can't go away I have too much to do. I didn't get angry but was a bit sad and he saw it. A few days after that he said I'm starting to think we're too far apart. I was so shocked I said really? He said it broke his heart to see me so upset and I should be with someone who wants to do these things with me and not a selfish old man. He left for work for the week and he mentioned he wasn't sleeping and couldn't get it out of his head. I saw him the next weekend and perfect wkd. Before he left I said we good and he said yes of course I'll see you next wkd. On monday while he was travelling he said again I don't want to loose you but I can't get it out of my head. I said you want to break up with me. He said I don't want to I'm just talking it out with you i feel sick to my stomach. He was travelling with his coworker and one of his best friends. On Thursday he texted me saying he wanted to talk. I figured out he was breaking up with me. He said I love you but we're in 2 different stages I want you to be with someone in your stage of life it's not fair to you. He said he himself could not go back 10 years when he's finally free. We couldn't live together for atleast 8 years til my kids are grown up and he has his house 45 minutes away. He said he talked it out with his friend and his friend said he had to let me go. Since that time I haven't slept in 4 days. I've been hyperventilating crying and I just can't believe it. A complete blindside. I'm absolutely devastated beyond words. He came to get his stuff 3 days later and we talked again. I understand all his reasonings and i truly feel he's doing it for me. I want him to spend that time with his sick mom and on his house and with his kids. I found out that day his son who is far away was begging him to visit and said have fun with your new family. I know that must have killed him. I feel like I have to let him go too so he can do the things he needs to do. He spent 20 years taking care of his family and now he needs to take care of himself. He thinks my kids are struggling because of my separation with thier father and should have my full attention and my being with him is taking away from that. Also he said he feels like an old man because he's following me to hockey rinks and doing things he's already done 10 years ago. He truly wants me to be with someone in my stage of life.

Sorry for the long post but to sum it up i feel like we truly love each other and he is breaking up for me and i am letting him go for him. How sad is that! I don't want to beg for him back I keep saying give him time but it's brutal! He did text me the occasional small talk. I'm holding so much hope that if i give him time to take care of the things he needs to take care of he'll change his mind. It feels like such a risk though. What do I do my heart is absolutely breaking and I want him back more then anything!

OP posts:

user1479305498 · 28/01/2019 13:34

Thing is, I think he probably is s very nice guy who likes you a lot but now reality has set in he knows himself and doesn’t feel up to 3 children including teenagers as well as his own commitments . Thing is I read all these posts about life being hard with young babies and small children but I think it can be just as difficult and fractious with teens, it challenges many a relationship. I would tell him you are sorry he feels like this but do understand but you would like to very much stay good friends and keep in touch, take the pressure off totally. If he really likes you I think he will

Original poster

alir1 · 28/01/2019 13:39

hes not a weirdo or a manipulator hes truly one of the nicest sincerest people I've met in my life. as far as his mom she spent xmas away at his sisters. he couldnt go becauw his daughter couldnt get it off work and he didnt want to leave her. so we spent it together. he had planned on going home on and off but he never did. then I think when he left and his mom got sick he realized what he had done and how he was way more invested in me then he should be.

OP posts:

empa · 28/01/2019 13:44

Have you got the tickets for the trips he gave you and your children OP?

Did you finance Christmas?

LakeIsle48 · 28/01/2019 13:45

I think teenagers are a billion times more difficult than babies. Teenagers can be incredibly sulky and rude and engage in extremely risky life threatening behaviour. As the song says 'teenagers scare the living shit outta me'

Blooger · 28/01/2019 13:49

What ScreamingValenta and Dunin said. He's not that into you but he's selfishly trying to create the impression that he is breaking up for your benefit. This is not what happens when a man loves you enough.

LakeIsle48 · 28/01/2019 13:50

Sometimes love is not enough.

Blooger · 28/01/2019 13:52

BTW men who say they want to be "free" are very often not just referring to freedom from bringing up kids. They mean they want to be single and to have the freedom to sleep around or do casual dating. It's best you find out these things now and not further down the line when you are deeper in. He is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want to be with you and you have to accept that.

headinhands · 28/01/2019 14:00

People don't break up with people they're crazy about. I think he thinks it's kinder to blame it on the logistics when it will just keep you hanging on thinking that it's the world keeping you apart when it's actually him.

MumsyJ · 28/01/2019 15:06

Oh OP, I'm so sorry this has to happen to you . Yes 6 months might sound soon to others but you just can't help who you love especially with all the initial green lights and reassuring words from him initially.
The problem is, if he came back, would he not leave you again, which would be even more heartbreaking?
I feel your pain and all I can say is, time is the best healer and hopefully you distract yourself with other activities from him, yes I know it's easier said but you'll be fine eventually X.

Whothere · 28/01/2019 15:20

Well if it’s true then fair enough, it is understandable he doesn’t want to bring up someone else’s three children when his are grown up and he has other commitments. And if it’s just that the honeymoon period is over after six months and he doesn’t feel the same about you, then the outcome is the same. Either way, he wants to end it and you have to accept it. Often love is not enough (if he is in love.)

Travisandthemonkey · 28/01/2019 15:35

No one breaks up with someone they want to be with
EVER

Original poster

alir1 · 28/01/2019 16:02

i talked to him again this morning. i asked him if he was so upset because he was hurting me or because it was hurting him. he said both. he doesn't want to give me false hope but we both need to get our lives in order. we're both going through separations and divorces still ourselves. my kids are struggling and getting used to the idea of us being apart still. he wants me to focus on that which i should be. he never said he loved me. he always said it was too soon but we did always say we were falling in love. as far as financial we both have more then enough money. financial is not an issue at all. i can see how everyone can say he's a dick and move on but there's not one bad thing i can think or say about him. he genuinely cares about everyone in his life. i mean i think the hope is still there now...i guess i just take the risk and if it's worth it it will work out. i don't like leaving things up to fate though.

OP posts:

Notcoolmum · 28/01/2019 16:06

You can’t force someone to want to be with you. And he clearly doesn’t. He’s known everything he’s now saying is a barrier for the 6 months you’ve been dating. It sounds like you have moved too fast.

He’s not doing this for your benefit though. Be clear on this.

I had an ex who would always use me having kids as a reason for him not moving in with me. But he happily played the father figure in holidays and trips out. He had me believing his lack of commitment was honourable and for my benefit...

It was of course BS whilst he carried on other relationships. And my children were devastated when we split up as he had taken on a role within the family. Even if he didn’t think he had.

Listen to what he is telling you. He doesn’t want to take you and the kids on. Is this the actions of a man who loves you. Is this the sort of man you want to invest in.

oiiiiiii · 28/01/2019 16:11

@alir1 He doesn't want to hang out with children for another 5-10 years. And after that, he doesn't want to deal with the aggro of young adult children who still need support but are feeling things out / leaving the nest / causing worry. He doesn't want a partner who has to think of her children, he wants someone without anything else to focus on except fun stuff.

He has his own kids, so he knows of what he speaks.

He's allowed to not want to be with a mum with kids.

i can see how everyone can say he's a dick and move on but

OK, I am going to shout now: HE HAS TOLD YOU HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. That means you have no choice, you HAVE TO move on. There's no "but" in that sentence.

Folk are pointing out the inconsistencies etc in an effort to help you move on.

It's a six month relationship, there are kids involved, I'm really sorry but you don't know him and he's now dumped you. You're going to need to accept that. There is no bargain you can make with him that will bring him back to the way you want him to be.

Stop taking his calls.
He's being manipulative, keeping you hanging on, when he's clearly told you he is dumping you.
Don't keep talking to him. You stroke his ego by begging and pleading, and at the same time you'll make yourself sick pretending that there's a chance for this relationship to continue.

Original poster

alir1 · 28/01/2019 16:20

he has said he wants to be with me but he doesn't want to give me false hope either. he wants me to take care of the kids first. then we can see. he doesn't want to only see me when i don't have them. he says that's not fair to anyone. his concern is getting deeper involved with the kids if he can't be in it for the long haul because they're already getting used to their father and i splitting. he thinks we moved too quick which we did. need a break and then maybe start slow again. i know he doesn't want to be with anyone else. i agree with everything he is saying its just heartbreaking to me.

OP posts:

minieggmunchers · 28/01/2019 16:24

If you 'let him go' he will not be back. Sorry OP.
This has run its course. No matter how you feel, don't lower yourself to allow him back. He sounds no good for you. Head high, there are better out there. It may not feel it for a while, but begging him to stay should never be an option.

Whothere · 28/01/2019 16:34

I don’t think it’s fair of him to say, ‘then we can see’. You want more and he needs to end it properly not give you false hope. It sounds like he is trying to end it kindly but that is worse for you in the long run. I would cut him off now.

ImNotKitten · 28/01/2019 16:40

Agree with PPs, he won’t be back after a ‘break’ but is trying to let you down gently. Please don’t lose your dignity by begging him. If he wanted to be with you he wouldn’t be asking for a break.

oiiiiiii · 28/01/2019 16:41

@alir1 you are in the denial / bargaining stage of grief. You are explaining and re explaining what he has said to you, and you're trying to use his words to reverse what has happened or give yourself help that things will return to the way you want them to be.

If you need that time, take it. Just please give yourself time for those feelings to pass.

He's not coming back, this isn't going to work. Let him go, stop talking to him and taking his calls. He's clearly told you he doesn't want to be with you because of the children, and your children aren't going anywhere.

Original poster

alir1 · 28/01/2019 16:49

gesh i feel like everyone on this board is bitter lol. i know the way i sound. but i can tell when he looks at me and is with me. i get what you are all saying that if it was love it would be enough. i do believe that sometimes it isn't and breaks are needed. i think he doesn't want me to stop living and for him to not be my focus right now. who would jump right back into instant family without at least considering it? that would be unstable after 6 months. and yes i know it's only 6 months and there's lots of people out there. just can't get him out of my head and what we had.

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 28/01/2019 16:52

oiiiiiii is absolutely right.

YogaWannabe · 28/01/2019 16:58

He’s just not that into you.

Going forward, don’t introduce children so early and consider counseling as your reaction is very extreme for such a short fling.

You are a whole person all by yourself.

rosabug · 28/01/2019 17:01

It's about the limits of love. And older people tend to know about that to a deeper level. He's not long out of a long relationship. He tried folding his life together with you and your children and saw the longer view. And backed out. This happened to me: end of 20 year relationship, I met someone, we fell in love, he moved in and I found I just couldn't do it - again.

You need to stop dreaming about the big happy ever after - it's a young woman's dream. Try and enjoy the moment, the 6 months. And what, at only 1 year out of your own marriage, do you think is really going on with you??? You hoped it was all healed and sorted? All the grief of the broken marriage? Solved by another go at the same old format? How neat. How perfect.

I'm sorry you are broken hearted, but you also need to look at why you are acting as if the sky has fallen in......

YogaWannabe · 28/01/2019 17:01

you are in the denial / bargaining stage of grief. You are explaining and re explaining what he has said to you, and you're trying to use his words to reverse what has happened or give yourself help that things will return to the way you want them to be.

Oh and this, with bells on. Great response.

JenniferJareau · 28/01/2019 17:04

he has said he wants to be with me but he doesn't want to give me false hope either.

If he wanted to be with you them he would be with you. Sorry op

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