dying of heartbreak is there hope for us?

[alir1]

Just a bit of background. My boyfriend is 52 and i am 42. He has been separated from his wife 2 years and myself 1 year. His kids are 19 and 24 mine are 10,12,13 to which i have them 50% of the time. We've been together for 6 months and from the first minute I met him I fell in love with him. Our relationship was perfect 10+ chemistry 10+ compatibility 10+ in everything. We never had a fight we could spend days together and never get sick of one another. It was truly perfect! From the start I asked him if my kids would be a problem. He said no everyone has kids and if they didn't I probably wouldn't have anything in common with them. At the 3 month mark I introduced them. I told him then I didn't want him to meet them if he wasn't in it for the long haul. He said I know what I'm getting into. From then on we've been practically living together. He's amazing with my kids and they loved having him around. At Christmas he was here for 12 days straight. His daughter spent xmas with us. I thought after that we'd be together forever. Since that time work has ramped up for him and he's travelling almost every week, his mom who is 87 is sick and he's taking care of her. He is living with her renovating his house, his son who lives 17 hours away (where he used to live) is begging for him to come visit him. He has a tonne on the go. When he left after Christmas he said I'm so attached to you I don't want to leave. We had plans to go away with the kids skiing for a few days in march, his xmas present to us all. A 3 day trip booked for us in the summer. Lots of small talk about future. Then 2 weeks ago I went to book a trip for the 5 of us to go south for a week. He said I can't go away I have too much to do. I didn't get angry but was a bit sad and he saw it. A few days after that he said I'm starting to think we're too far apart. I was so shocked I said really? He said it broke his heart to see me so upset and I should be with someone who wants to do these things with me and not a selfish old man. He left for work for the week and he mentioned he wasn't sleeping and couldn't get it out of his head. I saw him the next weekend and perfect wkd. Before he left I said we good and he said yes of course I'll see you next wkd. On monday while he was travelling he said again I don't want to loose you but I can't get it out of my head. I said you want to break up with me. He said I don't want to I'm just talking it out with you i feel sick to my stomach. He was travelling with his coworker and one of his best friends. On Thursday he texted me saying he wanted to talk. I figured out he was breaking up with me. He said I love you but we're in 2 different stages I want you to be with someone in your stage of life it's not fair to you. He said he himself could not go back 10 years when he's finally free. We couldn't live together for atleast 8 years til my kids are grown up and he has his house 45 minutes away. He said he talked it out with his friend and his friend said he had to let me go. Since that time I haven't slept in 4 days. I've been hyperventilating crying and I just can't believe it. A complete blindside. I'm absolutely devastated beyond words. He came to get his stuff 3 days later and we talked again. I understand all his reasonings and i truly feel he's doing it for me. I want him to spend that time with his sick mom and on his house and with his kids. I found out that day his son who is far away was begging him to visit and said have fun with your new family. I know that must have killed him. I feel like I have to let him go too so he can do the things he needs to do. He spent 20 years taking care of his family and now he needs to take care of himself. He thinks my kids are struggling because of my separation with thier father and should have my full attention and my being with him is taking away from that. Also he said he feels like an old man because he's following me to hockey rinks and doing things he's already done 10 years ago. He truly wants me to be with someone in my stage of life.

Sorry for the long post but to sum it up i feel like we truly love each other and he is breaking up for me and i am letting him go for him. How sad is that! I don't want to beg for him back I keep saying give him time but it's brutal! He did text me the occasional small talk. I'm holding so much hope that if i give him time to take care of the things he needs to take care of he'll change his mind. It feels like such a risk though. What do I do my heart is absolutely breaking and I want him back more then anything!

You are not listening to anyone on here and are simply repeating yourself in the hope of someone else contributing with the words you want to hear. It is very sad for you, but yes, you both got carried away too early, then added and involved your children in to the mix. You are still going through a divorce, so realistically you are still married. It is much better to get all that sorted, fully concentrate on your children and give yourself a couple of years on your own. What's done is done, we do not have a crystal ball, but I am sure you will look back in a few years and realise it was all too soon. Stop torturing yourself with the reasons and analysing them, you cannot change your situation. You now need to go no contact with him to give yourself time to heal and move on.

I'm really sorry you're hurting op, breakups are awful.

But to the objective observer it really does sound as if he has made his decision and tried to be as honest as he can whilst letting you down gently.

He has listed all of the reasons why he doesn't want to be with you, and for your own sanity you need to let it be. They're sensible, fair reasons that he's entitled to.

OP I agree with him just like you do. Don't doubt yourself. He sounds like a good guy. You were both excited about meeting each other and the early days when you first met are so thrilling.

He realised what being in a relationship with a women with kids entailed and he was honest with you.

I admire him. Who knows what's ahead. You deserve happiness. If I was single I would get into a relationship with someone with kids your age. It sounds brutal but I've been through the teenage years with my kids and Iwould never do it again. Teenagers can be hard hard work.

I agree with him entirely. Neither of you set out to hurt anyone. You have an open heart. When the time is right for you you will fall in love again. flowers

Oh OP, this is the sort of script that intense young men used to come out with when I was a teenager, albeit minus the DC!

Generally it meant they had started seeing someone else but wanted to appear noble to the dumped GF, rather than admit to being a shit.

I suspect that in three months time, provided you go NC, you will look at what he has said to you and cringe that you were taken in by him. I'm so sorry for your pain, which is very evident, but I don't believe for a moment that he is as honest as you believe him to be.

In your opening post you say that he said he loved you, now you say he's never said it.

I think you've projected your own feelings onto him. This is all too soon after your marriage break up and you really want it to be something it's not. You will be OK, but not with this man.

Don't remain as friends. That will be too hard for you. You'd be better going no contact.

If he wanted to be with you them he would be with you.

This is absolutely true.

My DP and I were both early 50's when we met but at totally different life stages. He was just out of a long marriage and I was separated a few months from a long marriage. I had DCs a similar age to yours, he had DCs in their 30's. I didn't think it would be a long term thing because of that but it turned out to be.

After 6 months we both believed this was a serious relationship. He met my DCs after a year and he moved in after 3 years.

He wanted to be with me enough and embraced family life - standing by freezing football pitches, ferrying teens around, arranging family days out/cinema trips etc., going on holiday in the school holidays to somewhere family friendly that cost as much as a luxury couples holiday (and wanting to pay half), supporting me when they were ill and so on and so on.

You've had some really good (almost unanimous) advice so far. At best he's trying to let you down gently, at worst he's trying to make himself look like the good guy, dressing it up as doing what's best for you.

You've had an escape leaving you free to meet someone more suitable who loves you more than enough.

I absolutely feel your pain OP having being there it wiped me out.
I'm a positive note, he is being clear and at least not stringing you along for too long. You need to look after yourself here so you can be there for your kids and keep things together. As hard as it is, would suggest a period of no contact. Now that he has said, the only person who is going to get hurt here is you by not accepting it. Let me go. It may not take as long to heal as you are thinking now as it is in the early stages

Update! After 5 or 6 days of balling my eyes out i've moved on the pissed off stage and feel a lot better. I agree with posters that he blew our relationship out of the water. Also there were ways to work around things and he chose not too. The decision was made without even discussing things with me or seeing what we could have done about it to fix things. I still think in his heart he thinks it was the best decision for both and never wanted to hurt me. I do think it was extremely hard for him to walk away. But what it boils down to is he doesn't want to go back 10 years in his life and I can't do anything to change that. The need to throw in a million other factors and excuses is the part that pisses me off. Right now you don't get to be my friend. Maybe later but not right now.

P.S. I'm realizing that since i was with my ex-husband for 20 years I have no experience in dating or breaking up. Lesson learned. Don't throw all your heart in because it will get crushed.

Good on you OP. Sometimes a good cry is what one needs. Watch yourself bounce back to your normal self and him becoming less and less thought about.

Enjoy your kids, it's all about them and when the right one comes along eventually, you will definitely feel it, not just know it.

All the best OP, onwards and upwards

You're sounding much stronger OP, although from experience it's a bumpy ride through recovery.
He is feeling guilty, that what it is. Initially in the excitement he thought he could do it, but as time has gone on realises what it will entail and he doesn't want that commitment. It's hard to hear and accept.
I hope you continue to get stronger and stronger and move on. Kids are a good distraction
I was with ex h 13 years, lots of false starts since and that was 9 years ago we split! Personally I can't take any more heartbreak or distraction so have given up. Although hope it w8nt be forever. Have you listened to any of Matthew Hussey videos on YouTube about heartbreak?

alir1, I am glad that your anger is surfacing. When I read through your story, several things didn’t add up to me. I don’t consider him to be just a well-meaning fellow who got in over his head. The entire way he handled this makes him suspect.

In my opinion, this is an immature 52 year old who enjoyed the ego-boost of your adoration and the thrill of the chase, until he didn’t. He felt entitled to throw out empty words to pull you in and push you out. He is a manipulator who is structuring his exit as a noble sacrifice.

You had concerns and he soothed you:
I asked him if my kids would be a problem. He said no everyone has kids and if they didn’t I probably wouldn’t have anything in common with them.

I told him that I didn’t want him to meet them if he wasn’t in it for the long haul. He said I know what I’m getting into.

All was perfect, but he called it off when you had a sad face. Did you notice that he exaggerated your reaction about the trip from a bit sad (your words) to so upset (his words). He was heartbroken to see you like that. He grabbed your sad expression, completely over-dramatized it, deflected the blame to you, and ran with his ‘You deserve better, I must let you go’ exit strategy.

Other red flags are his adding his friend and your children to the equation. He is throwing in everything but the kitchen sink!

alir, he is gaslighting you. The thrill has waned and he wants his single life again. No matter how he spins it, he is not breaking up for your benefit.

You're right...he doesn’t deserve your friendship. And I wouldn’t allow him to “text the occasional small talk.” I would go NC. He can take his love-bombing, future-faking self elsewhere.