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Original poster

Boyfriend in debt

68 replies

djsakajklaj · 27/01/2019 20:03

Hi,
I’ve been with my partner now for three years. About 1 year into our relationship I discovered he was in a lot of credit card debt and it was causing him a lot of stress due to the interest he was paying on them. I confided in my parents about this and they kindly offered to pay off his debt and he set up a standing order of £100 to go to them every month to pay it off.
I thought this was the end of it but then I discovered a few months later that he had yet again spent up on his credit cards ! This time his grandparents bailed him out. He still hasn’t even started to pay them back yet! Again a few months later he got into the same issue with credit cards and this time had to up an existing loan to pay them off and then as laughable as this sounds a few months after this he has now done it again for a fourth time !!!
I am at a complete loss with him. When I speak to him about it he gets all defensive. The one thing I did get out of him is that when he gets paid the majority of his wage goes to paying off his credit cards and loan leaving him with barely nothing and because of this he’s turning to his credit cards in order to live ! It’s like a vicious circle.

I’m aware this amount of spending on credit cards is completely abnormal and he needs some sort of professional help. Not only that I can’t understand how he is managing to spend thousands of pounds in the space of 6+ months.
He doesn’t even have anything to show for this kind of spending. He rarely goes out, doesn’t have a fancy car, we don’t go on any extravagant holidays ! I just don’t understand. I’m even wondering if he has a gambling additiciton but I feel like I’d know if he did.

I’m only 27 and he is 28. We both want a future together but I’m massively concerned about this debt he keeps getting himself into.
We are currently renting a place together but I’d like to eventually get a mortgage with him amongst other things marriage, kids etc ...but I just feel like this debt of his is going to come in between all of that.

Has anyone had experience of this with their partner or family member? I don’t know how best to deal with this and it’s not just causing him stress im massively stressed out about it too.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Daffodil2018 · 27/01/2019 20:06

Honestly, I’d run a mile. It smacks of a gambling problem to me.

7yo7yo · 27/01/2019 20:06

Don’t plan a future with this loser. Because this will be your life.
Scrimping and saving, never getting anywhere because he’s pissing it up the wall.

Juststopit · 27/01/2019 20:07

I had this with my ex husband. I paid it off once,we extended the mortgage another time. The third time I split from him. He hid it each time. He’s still in loads of debt and will never change.
What is he spending the money on? Is it just his expenditure is more than his income. Or is he gambling or something?

Radyward · 27/01/2019 20:10

Leave. You will NEVER have anything with this man. He is obviously has a secret addiction/ hobby that he spends big on. Get out while you are still young. Yoir future will be extremely bleak not to mention penniless with him. Run a mile

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2019 20:17

I would walk away before you get more over invested in him not just financially but emotionally too. He will continue to get into debt and in the process drag you down with him.

Why did your parents get at all involved?. Big mistake, huge actually. I can see where you get your enabling tendencies from and his grandparents are the same. Shielding him from the consequences of his actions will not help you or he for that matter.

You cannot help him nor should you act as his rescuer or saviour here. He does not want your help or support.

sosickofthisshit · 27/01/2019 20:17

I had similar issues with my ex, although it was because he just liked wasting money he didn't have, on crap he didn't need. Yours sounds like he has a gambling problem if he isn't buying anything to show for the debt. Seriously don't be me. Don't waste the best years of your life on a loser who will never change

AmorousPrawn · 27/01/2019 20:18

Get out. I did and I’m still paying the price (literally!). I doubt he will change and it’s no life to live, believe me. Sorry to appear harsh but it took me far too long to get the courage to make a change and I wouldn’t wish my situation on anyone. Take care of yourself

Bennyismydog · 27/01/2019 20:19

OMG why did your parents lend him money so soon into the relationship? Or do you mean his parents.
My ex husband was like this op. I met him and I was in a professional job, had a great credit score had just been approved on a mortgage that I didn’t end up taking I carried on renting as I decided to wait a year and see if we worked out and want to live together somewhere bigger.
I left him 3 years ago with an IVA a credit score or 80! I didn’t even think you could get that low I didn’t even qualify for a regular current account I had to have the one that 13-16 year olds get.
I loved him and kept bailing him out and bailing him out until I was wearing second hand clothes, never going out and answering doors to bayliffes all the time.
It’s taken me 3 years to get back into the position I was in 12 years ago. Please please take my advice and run for the hills it will never get better.
First time of running up debts is a mistake, the second time stupid the third time it’s his personality and it will never change.
My ex has a new partner now and mutual friends tell me that she has already sold her babies pram and some of his toys he got for Christmas to pay off some new debts he’s run up. Of course I’m the psycho ex but if I thought for one minute she’d listen to me I’d tell her to run for the hills too. People like that don’t change op.

Bennyismydog · 27/01/2019 20:20

And just because you said it’s causing him anxiety op, my ex was very good as being the victim about the mess he created for himself too. It’s not your job to give up your luxuries to save him.

CupoBlood · 27/01/2019 20:21

Is he paying your parents back? How long has he got left?

ChristmasFlary · 27/01/2019 20:23

Good grief OP run now. Friend of mine still has baliffs turning up due to her XH debts 8 years after they got divorced.

It will not get better and you'll only have yourself to blame if you stay knowing this is what he's like.

aethelgifu · 27/01/2019 20:23

You have NO positive future with this man. EVER. He will never, ever, ever change and it will never get better with him. He lies, he hides things from you, he is likely a compulsive gambler. But you are going to have to let go of him and get rid of him if you are to have any chance of marriage and kids within a stable and healthy relationship.

You stay with this man and you can kiss financial security goodbye and condemn any children you have to poverty, bankruptcy, eviction and repossession and yourself to fucked credit forever.

I really hope he payed your folks back. They showed you a very poor example by bailing him out. I'd have told you to run in the other direction.

ravenmum · 27/01/2019 20:24

I’m even wondering if he has a gambling additiciton but I feel like I’d know if he did.
How would you know, apart from the fact that he was spending huge amounts and not able to come up with a good reason why?

He's clearly got some addiction or other secret. Drugs? You can't trust this man. He has been hiding things from you from the start.

An honest, reliable, conscientious man would be sorting this out himself by getting debt management help. Why on earth are you taking responsibility for his debts out of his hands?

Fuktifano · 27/01/2019 20:25

Run. For your life! He is dishonest and has nothing but heartache to offer...

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/01/2019 20:26

If he really wants a future with you then you need utter transparency, the fact that he clams up and hasn’t explained where the money has gone is the issue now. Unless that changes it’s time to move on whilst young.
On a side note I don’t think you should have allowed your parents to clear your boyfriends (of 1yr!!!!!) debt. I hope they’re fully paid back!

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/01/2019 20:32

Ditch. He's done it several times already. He'll just get better at hiding it. My ExH did this. By the time I left him he'd racked up 50k of debt and, as his wife, I was liable for half. Count yourself lucky you're not married to him!

Original poster
djsakajklaj · 27/01/2019 20:35

Wow. Thanks for all the responses. Wasn’t expecting this many.
He has fully paid my parents back and didn’t miss a single payment,
It hasn’t got as far as the ballifs coming round ....he’s been making the credit card payments every month and hasn’t missed any but the issue is the interest he’s now paying on them, it’s just getting silly,

He says he’s spending on them because his wage isn’t covering living costs after he’s paid his cards off. He won’t be getting bailed out this time so he will just have to sort it himself.

OP posts:
Yankeescot · 27/01/2019 20:36

Oh darlin, you need to leave. With the constant enabling, I guarantee it will go on forever. My Brother started the credit card cycle at a young age, and my Mother kept bailing him out. It was the only thing her and I ever argued about. He put me on as a signer to his American Express when he took a job in Japan so he could have me get gifts for family at Xmas/Birthdays. I was about 26 ish at the time and shopping for a house. After only a few months my credit rating was ruined due to being listed on this AmEx card and I lost the opportunity for the house I was looking at buying. I immediately called AmEx after discovery of this and insisted they remove me from anything to do with this card. It took a few years of being off this card to re-establish my prior excellent credit rating. This will be you.

Within 2-3 After my Mum passed, I found yet another loan she'd taken out for him to bail him out. In the amount of 36K for this one. The previous one was 18K. He was making a monthly payment to her for repayment, but I don't if it was ever paid off. He would regularly take her credit card out of her wallet and bugger off home, leaving her without her card and spend up a storm and getting arsey when she'd phone him demanding he return it. His standard response? "God, it's not like I won't pay it back. What's the big deal?" Well it is kind of a big deal stealing an OAP's only credit card and going on a spending spree. You'd think I was speaking of a young man, but he was 51 when I had to move to the US to look after her. He stole her credit card out of her wallet while she was in hospital her final day on this earth and again went on a spending spree. I discovered this when I went to cancel the card after her passing. It's shockingly despicable.

He's now 53 and still at it. He's an alcoholic and gamble-holic. After my Mom passed, her house sold and her things consolidated. There was 180K for he and I to split. This was 2 years ago and he's gone through all of it. He lives as an irresponsible teenager to this day. He's never had a flat on his own. He just rents rooms in people's flats. At 53! He honestly doesn't understand that bills are real things. He really doesn't get that heating, water, electric, cable etc actually need to be paid monthly.

It sounds like there's been a lot of enabling with your Boyfriend. This will not end for him as long as the enabler's are there. Even if they cut him off, it's now quite engrained in him that he can just borrow but Peter to pay Paul and it will be an endless cycle. Enabling him was the absolute worst thing to have happened to him. If it was a one off and he'd learned his lesson, that's one thing. But this is already an ongoing cycle for him, and unlikely to end anytime soon. Time to think long and hard if this is what you want for your future.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/01/2019 20:37

Run like the wind

Thehop · 27/01/2019 20:37

Jesus walk away love. You’ll never have any happiness with this sort of man.

MrsGrindah · 27/01/2019 20:39

Agree he’s hopeless cause but disagree that it necessarily has to mean gambling or something secretive. Gradual living beyond your means soon adds up

ravenmum · 27/01/2019 20:40

He says he’s spending on them because his wage isn’t covering living costs after he’s paid his cards off.
That's why there are things called debt management plans. Surely by now he's heard of those?
www.gov.uk/options-for-paying-off-your-debts/debt-management-plans

He's defensive when you talk to him about this because he's hiding something from you; he's lying and acting like you are being unreasonable in order to get you off his scent. You know he must be doing something dodgy to be getting thousands of pounds into debt in the first place. Would you really marry and buy a house with someone you can't trust?

If you were my daughter I'd be so worried about you. Are your parents not worried sick at the idea of you being with this man?

Drum2018 · 27/01/2019 20:41

I agree, leave now as unless he gets professional help for his problem over spending (addiction akin to alcoholism/gambling) then he will still be the same in years to come. If he's unwilling to admit he has a problem then you need to put yourself first and leave him. Chances of him getting a mortgage are currently nil.

justthecat · 27/01/2019 20:41

I agree,run as fast as you can.
I’m amazed he was happy letting your patents help out- they have no commitment.
Sounds like he’s run more debt up before the last one finished