Boyfriend in debt

[djsakajklaj]

Hi,
I’ve been with my partner now for three years. About 1 year into our relationship I discovered he was in a lot of credit card debt and it was causing him a lot of stress due to the interest he was paying on them. I confided in my parents about this and they kindly offered to pay off his debt and he set up a standing order of £100 to go to them every month to pay it off.
I thought this was the end of it but then I discovered a few months later that he had yet again spent up on his credit cards ! This time his grandparents bailed him out. He still hasn’t even started to pay them back yet! Again a few months later he got into the same issue with credit cards and this time had to up an existing loan to pay them off and then as laughable as this sounds a few months after this he has now done it again for a fourth time !!!
I am at a complete loss with him. When I speak to him about it he gets all defensive. The one thing I did get out of him is that when he gets paid the majority of his wage goes to paying off his credit cards and loan leaving him with barely nothing and because of this he’s turning to his credit cards in order to live ! It’s like a vicious circle.

I’m aware this amount of spending on credit cards is completely abnormal and he needs some sort of professional help. Not only that I can’t understand how he is managing to spend thousands of pounds in the space of 6+ months.
He doesn’t even have anything to show for this kind of spending. He rarely goes out, doesn’t have a fancy car, we don’t go on any extravagant holidays ! I just don’t understand. I’m even wondering if he has a gambling additiciton but I feel like I’d know if he did.

I’m only 27 and he is 28. We both want a future together but I’m massively concerned about this debt he keeps getting himself into.
We are currently renting a place together but I’d like to eventually get a mortgage with him amongst other things marriage, kids etc ...but I just feel like this debt of his is going to come in between all of that.

Has anyone had experience of this with their partner or family member? I don’t know how best to deal with this and it’s not just causing him stress im massively stressed out about it too.

Any advice would be appreciated.

@djsakajklaj - what are you going to do?

I met my DP he was in a good job, had great prospects, and “was” on the surface financially ok.

2 years down the line, I discovered he had credit card debt (3 in total), he was at his limit, struggling to pay the interest.

I used my savings to bail him out, or so I thought, my parents also helped him out, as a way of helping me.

Moved in together after 2 years and opened a joint bank account.

4-5 years later I find that not only is there credit card debt, he also has bank loans.

Year 5 DP also gets made redundant. I’m the main earner in our relationship.

Years 5-6 financially things are spiralling out of control for him. I’m aware of most of it ( or so I thought), turns out the money is being spent on online gambling and drugs.

Year 6-7 things come to a head. Not only is he lying about money, gambling, drugs but he also has OW. We split up.

Now the reality of how much debt he is in comes apparent. He has 17 pay day loans, all associated to our joint bank account. He has two log book loans on both of the vechicles that I own, he has credit card debt, bank loans, he owes his parents, my parents, me, a loan shark from down the road. Two days out the house and my laptop, my iPad, the tv and anything of any value is sat in cash converters. The rent is in arrears, British Gas is in arrears, all of this stuf fhe mananaged hadnt been paid. He left me in a right mess.

For months I had people knocking on my door, asking for him, for money. My parents had to pay them off. For months my salary went in to the joint account (I couldn’t get this changed) and was immediately taken. My parents had to lend me more money, to pay off some debt, and to claim my possessions back, one of the cars got repossessed. What did my ex do? He declared himself bankrupt. Now I got citizens advice at the time, but what happened was I was liable for all this debt, as this was all in a joint bank account, joint name, and we had been co-habiting for 5 years. I had no way out.

Today... Im still paying it all off, my credit score is shot, and I want to get a mortgage with my DP and DC, but I can’t, because of my Ex. He is still got control over my life.

My advice, don’t get a joint account, mortgage with this person until you know what is the route cause of these problems, and until HE has sorted himself out.

OP - if you stay in this relationship, you'll be an idiot. You've had plenty of warnings, it's not one isolated incident. This is who he is. He is financially irresponsible (at best) or has/had some serious issues with gambling or drugs something (at worst). Get shot or you will be taken down a road of misery and be back here again and again.

My friend almost lost her house years after she split with her ex because he was declared bankrup but she still had a joint mortgage with him. So the creditors claimed his share of the house Her Mum paid off the creditors, it was a total mess, the stress and strain gave her a heart attack, she was only in her forties and really very fit.

He needs to sort out his own debts not drain you and your parents dry of money.

You're only 27. Do you want to have money problems for the rest of your life?

Unlikely you'll get a mortgage with him with all his current debts. If you do, and stupidly get a joint bank account with him too, its a licence for him to get even more credit only this time you will be liable if he doesn't settle his debts (which looks likely given his behaviour so far).

"Don't throw good money after bad" is very apt in this case.

He has no hope of getting a mortgage he has no deposit and no savings so unless you want to waste 10 years waiting for him to catch up with your way of thinking then you need to listen and leave him. He has made no effort to stop this happening and has no issue with taking money from other people. No issue at all. And just spends it again. People gave him the money in good faith and he’s wasted it. Do you really want to own a house with this moron? Do you think he will make a good dad?

He cannot offer you anything, he’s a liar and you are wasting your life on him

But if his GPs paid it off and he didn't pay them back then he didn't have any credit card repayments ... so where did his money go?

Please, for your own sanity and financial safety, decide he is far too risky a proposition. Love is blind, take those blinkers off. He will bleed your life dry of any joy.

Leave him to it before he sinks you too!

Hey, I'm so sorry to hear that you had this problem. You are not alone. I'm currently going through the exact same problem at the moment. Me [age 26] and my boyfriend [age 29] have been dating for four years. We were in the position to move out last month, when I found out he had £26,000 worth of debt, life can feel so unfair at times. I earn £18,000 a year and he is on £36,000. We live in Essex so the cost of living is expensive. If I paid his debt off (which I shouldn't do but want too for my metal health purposes ie; wanting children, marriage etc..) we should be able to start the process of moving in three months which is really exciting. However, every time I mention something about moving he slams it down saying it will happen when it will happen. We are women I need an estimate timeline, I have been patient for long enough. I used to be a dancer and now I have gone into an office job as I wanted to work life around my boyfriend, I feel so lost and stuck in a rut. Lockdown is not helping either.I've gone and bought loads for my house together and I actually feel so unhappy like a wasted human being. I cannot afford to live alone either.

Id tell him to contact StepChange and either get a debt management plan in place or an IVA. He could write to his creditors and offer token payments as he clearly can't afford it.

I wouldn't do any of that for him though, that's his job. The current situation can't go on forever. I also wouldn't tie myself to him financially at all. If you offer him a solution to helping himself and he doesn't take it then walk away.

Dance1234 I think you'd be better off starting a new thread, you won't get as many replies tagged on to this one, it's two years old.

Clearly living beyond his means, with his flexible friends,!! Very kind but foolish of your relatives to bail him out..

OP asked for advice in 2019.

@Dance1234, please start a thread of your own, your post will get lost on here as pp said. I'd strongly advise you not to pay his debt off: you're not married, you're on half his salary, you'd be sacrificing your own savings and financial stability for a man who is being irresponsible and who isn't even willing to agree a future with you. You're making huge mistakes by giving up the job you love to revolve your life around a guy like this. You're only 26, go back to dancing, live your best life - the right man will want you to succeed and to build a life with you that doesn't stifle or rip you off.

Gambling, I would probably break up with him-you are obviously financially incompatible and if something goes wrong like he loses his job you will be the one paying for everything, and probably end up paying his debt as well. You are not married, don’t link yourself financially to him.
Also, I am BAFFLED on why your parents helped him-he could have gone to his grandparents, but your parents will never see most of that money.
As a caveat, I had to get bailed out by my parents in my late twenties-it was awful and I was, am still so ashamed so I know how easy it is to sink jnto debt-I too have nothing to show for it. But I know I never want to live the horrible, in debt life again. It is miserable, worrying all the time, no treats, even a coffee is too much not being able to have a proper social life and being too embarrassed to say why so friends drop you. Why is your boyfriend choosing to do this over and over.

Zombie thread! Though I would be interested if the OP comes back, hopefully to tell us the relationship ended.

The hard reality is that unless he gets professional help then this cycle will never end. I have seen it at first hand and the misery ripples out and touches everyone around.

Two choices, get help or leave.

My ex-husband was like this and it was hideous. We often had no money for food as most of his wages went on paying loans and his credit card bills. I was only able to work part time as the nursery bill was so expensive so that made it worse. I’m married again and we have some debt but we have a fixed point where it will be paid off and the payments are easily manageable. You can’t be with someone where you aren’t compatible financially.