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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend in debt

68 replies

djsakajklaj · 27/01/2019 20:03

Hi,
I’ve been with my partner now for three years. About 1 year into our relationship I discovered he was in a lot of credit card debt and it was causing him a lot of stress due to the interest he was paying on them. I confided in my parents about this and they kindly offered to pay off his debt and he set up a standing order of £100 to go to them every month to pay it off.
I thought this was the end of it but then I discovered a few months later that he had yet again spent up on his credit cards ! This time his grandparents bailed him out. He still hasn’t even started to pay them back yet! Again a few months later he got into the same issue with credit cards and this time had to up an existing loan to pay them off and then as laughable as this sounds a few months after this he has now done it again for a fourth time !!!
I am at a complete loss with him. When I speak to him about it he gets all defensive. The one thing I did get out of him is that when he gets paid the majority of his wage goes to paying off his credit cards and loan leaving him with barely nothing and because of this he’s turning to his credit cards in order to live ! It’s like a vicious circle.

I’m aware this amount of spending on credit cards is completely abnormal and he needs some sort of professional help. Not only that I can’t understand how he is managing to spend thousands of pounds in the space of 6+ months.
He doesn’t even have anything to show for this kind of spending. He rarely goes out, doesn’t have a fancy car, we don’t go on any extravagant holidays ! I just don’t understand. I’m even wondering if he has a gambling additiciton but I feel like I’d know if he did.

I’m only 27 and he is 28. We both want a future together but I’m massively concerned about this debt he keeps getting himself into.
We are currently renting a place together but I’d like to eventually get a mortgage with him amongst other things marriage, kids etc ...but I just feel like this debt of his is going to come in between all of that.

Has anyone had experience of this with their partner or family member? I don’t know how best to deal with this and it’s not just causing him stress im massively stressed out about it too.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/01/2019 20:41

Do not further enable him by remaining with him. This relationship is unhealthy and needs to be at an end.

AmorousPrawn · 27/01/2019 20:45

@bennyismydog

Your story resonates so much with me. Especially the ex playing the victim. Please take this advice on board OP

Hellywelly10 · 27/01/2019 20:48

Sounds like hes in denial op.

eve34 · 27/01/2019 21:02

I'm sorry to echo what everyone else has said. My ex came to me with £15k credit card debit. I thought settling down would help him become more sensible.

We were together 14 years. His wages covered the house bills. And he lived off his pension as his pocket money £1k a month. The wages covered car cost. Phone bill etc etc. He constantly racked up credit cards. Car loans. Etc.

He earnt well and we both benefit from that. But he never limited his spending. Even if the family went without holidays etc. He had the best bike. Stag dos. Etc.

He still spends excessively. Socialising. Eating out etc. He just isn't able to live within his means. We were very lucky to have the income we had. But we could of done so much more with and for the children. But that is no longer my problem.

Just protect yourself. Keep your money separate. Set up a bills account. Make sure bills are covered and have no joint debts. I hope that he can address his problems

Original poster
djsakajklaj · 27/01/2019 21:02

He’s not in tens of thousands of pounds of debt & my parents didn’t bail him out of absolutely loads. They did it mainly for me so if we did ever get a mortgage together we would be debt free.
At this stage it’s manageable but my concern is that he just keeps spending on them!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/01/2019 21:04

What do your parents think now he's in debt for the fourth time? Scared about your future?

Original poster
djsakajklaj · 27/01/2019 21:09

They don’t know that it’s the fourth time ....

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/01/2019 21:11

... because you're not telling them.

You know.

Clutterbugsmum · 27/01/2019 21:19

So you have been with your boyfriend and he has run up debts 4 times. He wants to live above his earnings, he will always live above his means.

His debt will get bigger the more he earns, if he really wanted to change he would have cut up/closed his credit cards accounts. If you stay with him you will continue to spend YOUR earnings paying off his debts.

Is this the life you want, do you want a life of worrying about the phone ringing, unexpected door knocking will it be bailiffs/debt collectors. Do you want any children you may have live like this.

Clutterbugsmum · 27/01/2019 21:20

Sorry, you have been with your boyfriend for 3 years

FinallyFree123456789 · 27/01/2019 21:21

Has he even attempted to control the problem?

I've just switched my credit cards to a 0% balance to help me clear the debt quicker.
I then cut up the other cards so can't use them.

Has he gone to citizens advice? Or step change?
Set up a debt relief order? A IVA?
You don't say how much debt he's in so I can't say which one would be the better option.

However, he hasn't learnt from his mistakes.
I had an ex who had £5,000 debt 2 years ago - I've found out recently he now has £7,000 debt earns £50,000 a year but just isn't paying anything off because of loans and interest payments - some people don't want to help themselves!

Stuckforthefourthtime · 27/01/2019 21:25

At this stage it’s manageable but my concern is that he just keeps spending on them!

It's not manageable though. He has either no ability or no desire to stop, and you have no power here either. Not having anything to show for it is worse - at least an expensive hobby could be stopped, or an expensive car sold. Either he's truly useless with money (more useless than will ever improve with age, especially as he's not that young) or he has a secret addiction that won't be going anywhere. Run run run run run...

CrabbityRabbit · 27/01/2019 21:29

Can you look at some of the statements to see what he is spending on?

Bennyismydog · 27/01/2019 21:35

It’s not manageable though op, where would he be if your parents or his grandparents hadn’t bailed him out?
And yet despite the help from your parents that he most certainly didn’t deserve he’s still running up debts.
They did that for you and what respect has he shown them for such a lovely gift they gave him? He’s run up even more debts and put you in a position where you can’t tell your parents because deep down you know they’ll tell you to run like every single poster on this thread has and he’s risked your future.

It might not be thousands now but I guarantee in 10 years it will be and I hope by then you’re looking back on this and thinking what a lucky escape you had and not being someone who has to stay out of your house for as many hours as possible in the day time because you’re scared bayliffes will turn up again and you don’t have the mental energy to deal with them for the 4th time that month.
Please think with your head and not your heart and listen to the hindsite of everyone on this thread.

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/01/2019 21:38

If his wage isn't covering his living costs after debt then it's not manageable is it??

This is a repeated pattern of irresponsible behaviour, and who is going to bail him out this time I wonder?

There is categorically no way I would get a mortgage with this person or marry him.

This man is a liability, run like the fucking wind.

ravenmum · 27/01/2019 21:46

I can’t understand how he is managing to spend thousands of pounds in the space of 6+ months.
Oh, it is already thousands. Just not tens of thousands yet.

KanielOutis · 27/01/2019 21:58

Be thankful the debts are in his name, and you aren't married. I had to take on £30k of marital debt. Five years later and I still owe £13k. ExH has racked up the debt again.

PeridotCricket · 27/01/2019 22:22

My partners ex is like this. He’s still bailing her out 11 years after they divorced. Just cut your losses now.

oiiiiiii · 27/01/2019 22:22

I'm really sorry but in the nicest possible way, if you continue this relationship, you're a total idiot.

The fact you've supervised FOUR bailouts of a grown man means you are probably already an idiot.

You can turn this around and redeem yourself but not as long as this completely feckless arse is in your life.

BeachtheButler · 27/01/2019 22:36

If you stay with this guy you will have a sad miserable life. For your own sake get rid of him now.

Yankeescot · 27/01/2019 22:43

If it's the 4th time, it's not manageable. And will get a whole lot worse.

WatchingFromTheWings · 27/01/2019 22:58

At this stage it’s manageable

The debts you know of are manageable. I wouldn't mind betting there's more you don't know about. I learnt that the hard way too!

AmorousPrawn · 27/01/2019 23:45

Sorry if I keep banging on about it, but this week I have had two more letters for debts my Ex husband racked up and left me to deal with. The anger and anxiety is overwhelming. Don’t be me OP. You deserve better

lifebegins50 · 28/01/2019 01:51

You don't solve his money problems with money..there is a root cause and he is not even willing to discuss it.

Don't saddle yourself with someone like this as you will regret it. Financial compatibility is really important in a relationship. You will end up resenting him and this eventually kills a relationship.

You will never be able to plan anything with this man.. mortgage, wedding, holidays, maternity leave.

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