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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ffs ex has lost my £900 savings

80 replies

Noodledoodlesandspud · 26/01/2019 10:35

Me again. With my never ending shit from exh.
Breif over view (more detail can be found in my other posts). I separated from h in Sept last year. Mostly because of his lying about money etc and because he's generally shit with money. He's also emotionally closed off. We have 3 young dc. We are going to counselling to see if we can save our relationship.

So last weekend we actually went out for a meal. Things went really well. We talked for ages and really worked through some stuff (which we haven't done without the counsellor in a long time). It felt wonderful.

H had a save to buy account which can only be held in one name. I also have one but there's a limit on how much can be paid in a month so when my gran left me some money we opened one in h name to pay it into (the first payment can be more). This was before all the lying about money shit came out.

I've been asking him since we split to give me my money back. He finally shut the account down last week and said he paid the money into my bank account. Well it hasn't shown up and he has no receipt for the cash transaction so its just disappeared into thin air (if h is to be believed). I am such an idiot for not going with him to sort it.

I feel so stupid for letting myself believe he could change. And I'm heartbroken that my nans money is gone. H is so emotionally crap it's not even bothering him that I'm in tears over the whole thing.

The stupid thing is I can't stop myself from wanting to make it work even though I know it's the worst idea ever.

OP posts:

Xenia · 26/01/2019 11:16

He says it was stolen so as said above you tell him you are notifying the police and getting the CCTV footage looked at before the CCTV is wiped so the thief can be caught.

I doubt you will get it back however so just go out there, out earn him and keep a heap of money you earn as clearly he cannot be relied on for money. Do remember if you do divorce that in England divorce finances are worked out at when you divorce not when you part so best to get on with reaching a clean break or other court sealed consent order over finances. Do not just leave it hanging in the air not sorted out. If you don't sort it out properly in 5 years he could come back to you for some of your money earned since then.

Yulebealrite · 26/01/2019 11:17

The only good way to look at this is it just cost you £900 to end your marriage. And I suspect your Granny would consider the money well spent. I would instigate divorce proceedings on Monday and claim for child maintenance.

FullOfJellyBeans · 26/01/2019 11:20

He has absolutely stolen it. Have you go written proof of him promising to pay the money into your account. I wouldn't waste a second longer saving any relationship with this selfish man. I would seek legal advice about divorce and child maintenance.

ChristmasFlary · 26/01/2019 11:21

Please don't be taken for a fool. He has either still got the money or has spent it.

babbi · 26/01/2019 11:21

Get shot of this waste of space ... I know it will be hard as you are still emotionally invested ... but distance yourself from him and start to make a better life for you and your children ...
in time you will get stronger and look back and really see that leaving him was the best thing you have ever done ... good luck

Ps Counselling will never change a thief or liar ...

ChristmasFlary · 26/01/2019 11:23

Why are you trying to stay together? If you do then, well...l can see why he plays you like a fool because you are one

babbi · 26/01/2019 11:23

PS - what Xenia said - this is time critical- do it NOW

reallyanotherone · 26/01/2019 11:24

In fact, tell him you're involving the police and requisitioning the bank records and video footage "so the thief will be caught red-handed”

Except she can’t do this. It’s not her bank account- the police/bank will only investigate at his request.

Nothing she can do. For legal purposes he has spent money held in a bank account in his name.

NotTerfNorCis · 26/01/2019 11:27

He's awful. Report it to the bank, see what they advise. Then walk away from him.

category12 · 26/01/2019 11:28

You really need to accept who he is.

He doesn't pay child support
He took the savings for himself

This is not a man who is worth being with.

colditz · 26/01/2019 11:38

Well, you paid £900 to find out what he thinks of you, I suppose.

He thinks of you as a usable item, in case you were still in any doubt. A cash cow.

Maryjoyce · 26/01/2019 11:43

He’s stolen it sadly but true

Maryjoyce · 26/01/2019 11:44

So you know the answer you don’t need to bother trying to save relationship as he’s not worth the bother

Frosty66611 · 26/01/2019 12:09

Something like this happened to me a few years ago when my dad sent me £600 which never reached my account and just seemed to vanish into thin air. The bank were able to investigate what happened (my dad had sent it to the wrong account number by mistake) and after a lot of hassle he got the money back and then sent it to me.
£900 doesn’t just disappear with no explanation. He must take you for a fool if he expects you to just believe his story and not say anything else about it.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 26/01/2019 12:13

What would happen if you say, ok, I’m getting the bank to trace the transaction and the police will have to be involved? Will that scare the money out of him?

reallyanotherone · 26/01/2019 12:18

What would happen if you say, ok, I’m getting the bank to trace the transaction and the police will have to be involved? Will that scare the money out of him?

Nothing. It’s his money, the bank and police can’t and won’t do anything. If she has a contract to prove it’s a loan i believe she may be able to go to the small claims court?

Same happened to dh when he divorced. Ex took £15k out of the joint accounts. Because she was an account holder and witdrawals only required one signature it was perfectly legal.

VoteForPedrosLlama · 26/01/2019 12:18

Not only has he stolen your money he is treating you with contempt by lying about it.

Dirtybadger · 26/01/2019 12:25

He has stolen it.

But to complicate things I think you might have been being a bit naughty having it in his name. You can only pay into one cash ISA each financial year (and the help to buy accounts are cash ISAs) so by giving him the money you wwre inadvertently paying into two for tax free savings.

I would get legal advice.

But he's a cunt either way!

Original poster

Noodledoodlesandspud · 26/01/2019 12:31

I'm going to apply for child maintenance. And Ive decided to fill for devorce after a massive conversion with my parents. I think I have to accept its over and he's a twat and I'm better off on my own.

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 26/01/2019 12:39

He stole it sometime. Prob not recently.
Stop trying to save the relationship. He stole money your gran saved and you trustee him to put it into a saving account for a house deposit.

Starlight456 · 26/01/2019 12:44

Well I think this has probably saved you quite a few more years of heat ache.

He is low to steal that money.

Find your anger and get every penny and everything out of him you can.

Don’t waste your breath talking to him . He thinks you will swallow any bullshit

NameChangeNugget · 26/01/2019 15:53

He sounds like a piece of work but, I really cannot see what you can do here sadly.

PerfectlyImperfectx · 26/01/2019 16:08

Hi Op,

Haven’t RTFT but if he told you he paid cash into your account then he’s definitely lying. Since new rules in April, third parties can no longer pay cash into another persons account that they aren’t named on. Almost all high street banks abide by this, if not all. Certainly the one I work for. I hope you recover your money x

AndWhat · 26/01/2019 16:24

I closed a help to buy and got lots of paperwork from the bank as it’s a government scheme. He won’t have ‘just’ got a receipt. You’re never seeing it again, so sorry.

Yulebealrite · 26/01/2019 16:59

If divorcing you split the assets anyway, so now get the cash out of the one in your name and give it to your parents for safekeeping. Now you are quits.

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