Can people/men do this and still be very in love and committed to marrying someone?

[User190001]

Can people/men do this and still be very in love and committed to someone? Is it harmless banter or similar?

A and B are engaged. A has been messaging C saying he still finds C so attractive, he’s been thinking about sex with her, imagine if they had got together. Apparently when pushed A will say that thinks B is great and wouldn’t change anything about her and that you can never be sure someone is right but he’d be happy with B for the rest of his life. The messages to C intermittently continue. C has no feelings for A whatsoever. He’s marrying B in a few months.

Is this just some fun? Do most men do this? Historically as a person A, as far as I knew, has been totally straightforward and decent and honest. Surprised by it and now wondering if it’s just what people are like!

I have learnt recently that men will do all sorts of surprising things.

They can, and will, compartmentalize. They can love their wives and girlfriends and also want someone else on the side.

No and it's shit behaviour. B should tell A to go to F.

No

I don’t think people look elsewhere if they’re genuinely happy.

The short answer is NO of course. If you are marrying someone, you want to be with them forever not texting and wondering what it would be like to shag someone else. If a friend was posing this question to you what would you think?

Errrr no! If that was what most men are like it would be pretty tragic. Put it this way if I found out my partner was sending messages like that out there wouldn't be a wedding.

If A doesn't know then someone really ought to tell her.

Yes of course they can, and do. It's very easy to compartmentalize feelings from sex.

Have A and C had actual sex yet?

Yes I think men can. Many do. Not all. I'd not want to be with one who could. You have a choice. You don't have to settle and accept this crap.

Don't marry this man.

Most men don't do this

B should not marry A, leave him and find someone who does not need to be pushed to tell B that he 'loves' her. Because if A is doing this now then imagine how much worse this behaviour will get when B has had a baby and has stitches and doesn't want to have sex for a few months because it's painful and she needs to heal. A will be busy shagging C, D and E because B is not available. And it will be a lot harder for B to get out.

Be glad he has shown you what he is like before you're tied to each other. Imagine a future with a man who loves and respects you and would never chase after other women.

It’s got nothing to do with being male and everything to do with being completely shitty and insincere. A MUST NOT marry B. I would save her if I could!

I think lots of people can do this, not just men. Humans are very good at compartmentalising things and justifying things in their heads.

If B will put up with this now then she will put up with anything I guess. A wants his cake and eat it, the security of having a nice woman at home while he keeps his options open and continues sniffing.

It would be unfair to lump all people/men like this, although there are quite a lot of them. The issue is whether B is ok with this. If not she needs to get rid asap for her own sanity

No A and C have not had sex. They’ve known each other years but C is not interested and never was bar a very brief fling at school!! They’ve kept in touch over the years but not been close, not seen each other for 5 years for example.

I also know A from school and never thought he would do anything like that.

C pulled him up on it and he said he loved B and of course he was going to marry her. Then almost seconds later he jokes about when they (him and C) will meet for sex

C has zero interest in it and has lost masses of respect for him for doing this. Should B know? I’m not sure...if he’s messing around without being serious then probably no point destroying her view of him?

Though I agree with the poster about there being no wedding if my DP had done that

B has no idea!

Just to clarify I’m friends with A and C, more so with C.

A’s fiancé doesn’t know about any of this!

B should dis"engage" immediately, hopefully C told her, & A can F off

A will more than likely chancing his arm elsewhere also. B should ditch him before she commits to a life with someone who will repeatedly be unfaithful.

No, this is not the behaviour of a man committed to a successful and enduring marriage. It is dreadful behaviour.

Why didn’t C block him immediately following the first message?

This is categorically not someone most men do. He’s cheating scum.

If I was C I would tell B and save her years of misery while he cheats on her, because I bet C isn’t the only person he is texting.

Should B know? I’m not sure...if he’s messing around without being serious then probably no point destroying her view of him?

Her view of him is based on a lie though. Yes she should know before she marries him. She'll find out at some point anyway - better now than 5 years down the line with children in the picture.

And he's only 'not serious' because C's not interested, I bet he'd be in there like a shot if C gave him the chance.

if he’s messing around without being serious

Texting another woman and asking for sex is serious. It’s very serious.

It’s a betrayal.
It’s infidelity.
It’s dishonest
It’s disgusting.

How can you continue to be friends with someone so dreadful?

On top of the many many issues B I'm sure has (rightly) with this, he is harassing C. His messages are entirely unwelcome. He's a fuckstick. No, NAMALT although too many are.

Are you C? If so, tell him in no uncertain terms that his messages constitute harassment and you'll be passing them to both B and the police.