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Original poster

Can people/men do this and still be very in love and committed to marrying someone?

53 replies

User190001 · 26/01/2019 10:22

Can people/men do this and still be very in love and committed to someone? Is it harmless banter or similar?

A and B are engaged. A has been messaging C saying he still finds C so attractive, he’s been thinking about sex with her, imagine if they had got together. Apparently when pushed A will say that thinks B is great and wouldn’t change anything about her and that you can never be sure someone is right but he’d be happy with B for the rest of his life. The messages to C intermittently continue. C has no feelings for A whatsoever. He’s marrying B in a few months.

Is this just some fun? Do most men do this? Historically as a person A, as far as I knew, has been totally straightforward and decent and honest. Surprised by it and now wondering if it’s just what people are like!

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 26/01/2019 10:53

A sounds like a D tbh Hmm

yetanotheropinion · 26/01/2019 10:55

A is an immature idiot with a shallow understanding of what commitment to another person involves.

coplings · 26/01/2019 11:00

Not normal behaviour. A has settled with B because C is not interested. He will always have a thing for C and A is second best.

Run for the hills. Sorry B x

juniperbushes · 26/01/2019 11:00

Person D (ie you) should tell person A that they know what's going on, and person C should tell person A that if they don't stop harassing them then they and person D will both tell person B.

InfiniteVariety · 26/01/2019 11:01

yetanotheropinion very well put

Drogosnextwife · 26/01/2019 11:01

He is serious he's just back tracking because C is not interested. B deserves to know now.

GroggyLegs · 26/01/2019 11:04

Harmless banter? Well, would it hurt you if you found out your DP was doing this? If so, no, not 'harmless' at all.

A is a bellend.
I feel sad for B. Even she knows he's like this, its sad that her boundaries are set so low.
If C is so disinterested, why is she courting this behaviour - why hasn't she told him he's gross and blocked him? Because she gets a thrill from being told she's prettier than B? Classy.

Tinty · 26/01/2019 11:07

C has zero interest in it and has lost masses of respect for him for doing this. Should B know? I’m not sure...if he’s messing around without being serious then probably no point destroying her view of him?

A is a horrible man, if C showed interest he would be there like a shot.

C should keep all the texts and show them to B so B doesn't marry an absolute bastard. It will great in 5 years time when A and B are married with 2 kids and he is messing around with D or E or F.

bluebell34567 · 26/01/2019 11:10

'men can compartilize things and put them in different boxes'. it doesnt make it normal. i think the bad ones act like that and still not acceptable.
you should tell B asap.

AngryAttackKittens · 26/01/2019 11:11

He is serious, he's just not getting anywhere because C isn't interested.

C should tell B, or you should. If it was you wouldn't you wish someone had?

ElektraLOL · 26/01/2019 11:20

B needs to be told about this because otherwise she's wasting her life with someone who's looking around for someone else.

C may not be interested but it's only a matter of time before A cheats with someone else.

I would want to know. This sort of thing is not normal or acceptable.

sleepyhead · 26/01/2019 11:38

In my experience, As often stick around with their Bs for a long time and dally with C, D, E etc with no intention of upsetting the status quo.

Eventually though, B outgrows her usefulness (B is usually "she" though not always) and buggers off with Y because "life is short and A deserves happiness". At this point Y becomes B.

A is a solipsistic arsehole.

sleepyhead · 26/01/2019 11:40

Just realised that I missed out an A. B should bugger off with Y though. Now. Today. It'll save a lot of heartache in the long run.

coplings · 26/01/2019 11:45

I'd want to know. It will all come out sooner or later. Either he will cheat (not necessarily with C, but with D or K Or T) or she will find out about C.

Then at least she can make her own decision about wether she marries A

A will probably be the type to down play it all or even say that C is the one coming on to him though. Hope B has a good strong head on her shoulders

OKhitmewithit · 26/01/2019 11:49

My hope for humanity shrivels a little each time I read something like this.

No of course it’s not ‘normal’. Why the fuck would C even be interested in A, he sounds like a prize cunt.

OKhitmewithit · 26/01/2019 11:50

Poor B

Tinty · 26/01/2019 11:52

No and it's shit behaviour. B should tell A to go to F.

Poor F, what has she done that she deserves a shit like A? Grin

Rawlins11 · 26/01/2019 11:54

A's not Romanian by any chance..?

Yulebealrite · 26/01/2019 11:57

I feel very sorry for B.

C should tell A that he's an arsehole.

SimplySteve · 26/01/2019 12:04

Do most men do this?

Course. Only your example is very wrong. It's simply not A, B and C, we need the whole fucking alphabet filled with women we consider gorgeous and want to shag.

No. We don't, but of course there's a proportion that will, just like if you switch the scenario.

Your example takes me back though to when I was a teenager. Was engaged to B, and C was a very good female friend who I had loads in common with, difference being the feelings that were starting to dangerously accumulate were reciprocated. Very dangerous.

In your scenario, OP, it seems like the bloke has substantial lust for C, and if offered sex on a plate he'd be there in a heartbeat. I'd be very worried that he could find a D, E or F, a little spark catalysts the start of an emotional relationship and then all bets are off.

And yeh, I was a complete twat in what I did.

SuperSuperSuper · 26/01/2019 12:05

If C threw him some crumbs he'd be over there like a greyhound out of a trap!

In answer to your question - some men (and women) behave like this. Most don't. It's definitely not acceptable. It almost always means that the relationship isn't right - people who are genuinely happy don't stray.

A should do the decent thing and finish with B, but I suspect he won't.

SonataDentata · 26/01/2019 13:04

I know some people in a similar situation to this. C told B anonymously what was going on and provided evidence. B refused to believe C despite the incontrovertible evidence. Shortly afterwards, A was caught in the act. B took him back. This has happened over and over again. I too wish I could shake B, who is a lovely woman and deserves a lot better, but only she can make the choice to leave A.

SonataDentata · 26/01/2019 13:06

Oh, and it’s also interesting to note that in the situation I know about, A insists he is happy with B but doesn’t even attempt to be faithful to her.

ElektraLOL · 26/01/2019 13:11

'people who are genuinely happy don't stray'

No, some people are just cunts.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/01/2019 14:47

Sounds like a case of cold feet and a 'what if?' wobble.

Either A will recognise that is's not just C who interests him, it's actually that he's not in love with and fully committed to B (and will either call it off, or, spend their married life being or wishing to be unfaithful).

Or, he will realise he's just having a panic reaction to lifelong commitment and that actually he does want to spend his life with B.

Not unusual, as a thought process, for anyone. The messages are sleazy though.