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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't commit..what should I do

57 replies

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 08:25

I've been with him for two years and have really fallen deeply for him . In the first six months he was totally smitten and I loved it! He couldn't do enough for me and was so romantic and attentive and we would spend alot of time together . He has his kids half the week but it was never a problem. We all got on very well and they used to say they wished I was their mum and everything was perfect.
He wanted us to move in together and I was the one that said let's wait a short while to all get to know each other properly which we did and it was all still lovely.
Then gradually he started reducing the time he spent with me, I hardly saw his children who i got very close to.
To cut a long story short, he sees me only when his children aren't there, we hardly spend any time together and all the romance is gone ...I haven't seen him for four days and have had a few texts like " goodnight" and " good morning". I hardly ever see him weekends any more as he says he's tired or its " difficult" with the children. I really don't understand him. When I try to ask what's wrong he says it's all in my head and every few weeks hell be telling me that we need to sort out living together this year as I'm the love of his life and he's only happy when I'm with him but then he goes all cold again and doesn't speak or make any effort to see me.
To be honest it's making me feel ill now not knowing what's making him like this...one week talking of how great our life will be together...the next week blanking me. We only live three miles apart but it feels like three hundred.
I do love him and we are great together when he's not blowing hot and cold, but I just can't handle his moods and not knowing how he can turn off his feelings for such a long time. I feel like saying it's all or nothing .....but I can't go on like this.

OP posts:

superram · 26/01/2019 08:26

He’s not that into you-sorry. It’s ovrr, he’s just treating you badly so you end it.

Dimsumlosesum · 26/01/2019 08:28

He's just not that into you.

Bouledeneige · 26/01/2019 08:28

Sorry OP - I'd end it. He isn't in the relationship any more.

Bluntness100 · 26/01/2019 08:30

Sorry op, I also think it's on the green mile, he wants to split but isn't ready to say it yet, 💐

MrPebbles · 26/01/2019 08:30

If you've got to force it then it's not right. He's not being honest with you about how he really feels.

Makegoodchoices · 26/01/2019 08:31

Ignore his words, judge the situation by his actions and what does that tell you?

Bikinginsummer · 26/01/2019 08:32

You know the answer
How hurtful and childish of him. He got carried away and isn't mature enough to really consider a grown up relationship.
You'll hold on to the romantic stuff he did in the first 6 months HOWEVER concentrate on the last 18 months and how he is making you feel now. I bet you're making all of the effort and hoping not to rock the boat whilst he is too chicken to end it in a kind mature way.

My ex did the same. I was devastated but I kept concentrating on the small gestures he did at the start of the relationship and not the actual relationship. Looking back he had checked out very early on but I kept it going - such hardwork!

He isn't the one because the one wouldn't be treating you this way or hurting you.

I am so sorry . Walk away, grieve , take time for yourself and g find a man who will be respectful, kind and want a future with you x

Heismyopendoor · 26/01/2019 08:32

Get rid and move on.

RadioGagga · 26/01/2019 08:40

He's just not that into you

This may be true but I think there are more sensitive/less blunt ways of saying this to the OP when she is distressed

VanGoghsDog · 26/01/2019 08:51

I think he's doing it to force you to agree to move in together and I think he wants that as it will be more convenient and probably cheaper for him and his kids. So he has cut you off with a promise of sunny uplands if you agree to move.

I think he's using you. Sorry.

LemonTT · 26/01/2019 08:58

I suspect VanGoghsdog is right. He wanted you to move in with him and is playing hot and cold to get his way. Nasty and controlling behaviour which you will endure for ever if you commit to him. As his live nanny and housekeeper. In which case your life will be miserable.

Run. He is using you and will use you more.

Original poster

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 09:07

I get so upset thinking of how he used to be with me but I just can't talk to him about it and what's making him so cold towards me as- 1- he just " doesn't have time" or 2- it's "all in my head" and " of course he loves me and he wants to be with me".
Two weeks ago we had a night away together and he was lovely to me and I tried to bring up the conversation about us and said that I feel I need to walk away so he can have time to himself to think but he cried and said please don't and then said there's nothing wrong....well there obviously is!
I texted him last night just asking how he was but had no reply..( Friday nights used to be our special nights together)....still no reply this morning . I'm not clingy do won't keep texting him. Part of me thinks there's someone else but he's always made a big thing about how wrong it all is to be unfaithful. I just don't know......I feel so utterly heartbroken and totally in the dark.
We don't argue, he has a very good job....no financial issues or anything that could be bothering him . I just wish he would open up and be truthful. I feel like he's hiding something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 09:11

Also after my initial.lets see how we all get on before we move in together scenario, which was my idea.......I'm now wanting the committment ....but either he's full on saying let's look for a house etc....but that never happens because then he blanks me again

OP posts:

HollyBollyBooBoo · 26/01/2019 09:11

That's a really tough situation but it's way too early into a relationship for it to be this hard and therefore worth fighting for - especially if he won't even admit there's anything wrong.

You will feel nostalgic for how it was but surely not how it is now. Life is so short, move on and find someone who you can feel amazing with for years and years.

Good luck

grinchypants · 26/01/2019 09:13

It sounds like he's making an effort to distance himself from you. I'd probably let it fizzle

Onemansoapopera · 26/01/2019 09:16

This man doesnt see you in his future and won't commit to you. He's separated you from his children and their present and future life and put you in a the casual box part of his life. I've been there. PLEASE DONT WASTE ANYMORE OF YOUR TIME. The shine has worn off for him and you are now just a habit until he meets the next one. You'll never live together, I promise. He said it when he was in the moment but that moment passed a year and a half ago. He's made no moved towards it and it's not going to happen.

pissedonatrain · 26/01/2019 09:16

His behaviour really is unacceptable. You should end it before you end up more hurt than you already are.

Original poster

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 09:18

It just feels so unfair. I thought he was " the one" and wanted him to be. He just seems to be making it so difficult and doesn't seem to notice the distress it causes me. I never realised how painful relationships can be

OP posts:

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 26/01/2019 09:20

It all sounds stressful and so much effort. There will be a reason why he's distanced himself, maybe there is someone else, maybe he's stressed and has things on his mind or maybe his feelings for you just aren't there anymore. But it's no good for you and he's not being the partner you want and deserve, whatever the reason.
I would put a stop to all the wondering and just tell him no more.
Him telling you it's in your head is him stringing you along but not having the guts to end it for good, so he had you to fall back on should he change his mind in the future, so you can take the decision out his hands and do it for him. Be strong.

Lifeisnotsimple · 26/01/2019 09:21

Yes he is hiding something the fact that he wants you on the edges of his life. He is using you. Yeah your ok for a night away etc but he doesnt want you there all the time. Walk away. Its heartbreaking but when ur really with the one this doesnt happen, please dont justify his actions for not getting in contact like oh there must be something bothering him yeah there is hes strung u along now too gutless to tell u hes doesnt want a real relationship. He has issues and id run for the hills.

ZogTheOrangeDragon · 26/01/2019 09:27

I think that regardless of his reason for acting this way, it’s not behaviour you want from someone you are in a relationship with. He either wants to end the relationship but is being a coward, is sulking to get his own way (so this behaviour will be repeated forever) or else is just the sort who does blow hot and cold in a relationship (so you will always feel like this with him).

I’d end things. Sorry OP.

Original poster

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 09:29

I know what I need to do but how do I get him out of my head? I wish I could stop thinking about him and feeling so sad about it all......I'm going to box up the things he's got me over the past two years so I'm not reminded of him in my house but how on earth do I begin to move on after two years ? . I'm even crying as I think about it. No one is perfect but I've given this relationship my everything and tried soooo hard

OP posts:

pissedonatrain · 26/01/2019 09:34

Of course it'll be hard at first. I don't think there is anything to do but be kind to yourself and get involved with your friends, work, hobbies, new friends, volunteer, etc.

Heartbreak just sucks and there's no way around it. :(

TheBeastAwakens · 26/01/2019 09:35

Maybe it's time to get angry? He's been really unfair to you and treated you badly for a long time.

BreevandercampLGJ · 26/01/2019 09:39

Walk

Now

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