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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend won't commit..what should I do

57 replies

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 08:25

I've been with him for two years and have really fallen deeply for him . In the first six months he was totally smitten and I loved it! He couldn't do enough for me and was so romantic and attentive and we would spend alot of time together . He has his kids half the week but it was never a problem. We all got on very well and they used to say they wished I was their mum and everything was perfect.
He wanted us to move in together and I was the one that said let's wait a short while to all get to know each other properly which we did and it was all still lovely.
Then gradually he started reducing the time he spent with me, I hardly saw his children who i got very close to.
To cut a long story short, he sees me only when his children aren't there, we hardly spend any time together and all the romance is gone ...I haven't seen him for four days and have had a few texts like " goodnight" and " good morning". I hardly ever see him weekends any more as he says he's tired or its " difficult" with the children. I really don't understand him. When I try to ask what's wrong he says it's all in my head and every few weeks hell be telling me that we need to sort out living together this year as I'm the love of his life and he's only happy when I'm with him but then he goes all cold again and doesn't speak or make any effort to see me.
To be honest it's making me feel ill now not knowing what's making him like this...one week talking of how great our life will be together...the next week blanking me. We only live three miles apart but it feels like three hundred.
I do love him and we are great together when he's not blowing hot and cold, but I just can't handle his moods and not knowing how he can turn off his feelings for such a long time. I feel like saying it's all or nothing .....but I can't go on like this.

OP posts:
Lifeisnotsimple · 26/01/2019 09:48

Aw please dont think u did anything wrong, its a shit situation. Take time to grieve. Find new things to do. Take up a new hobby, exercise or something. Just go out get wasted have good night out if thats what ur into. Take time dont rush into the next relationship but always remember the red flags and not to let other men lead u down a merry path.

NotTheFordType · 26/01/2019 09:55

I'd guess he's probably got somebody else and is giving them the sweet treatment you had at the beginning.

Cut him off, treat yourself to something special, keep telling yourself you're better off without him.

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 10:00

Thank you everyone for all your kind words....he obviously has been doing his own thing the last week and now the weekend is here, I'm not included in his plans for that either. I deserve better than feeling like this most of the time

OP posts:
GreenEggsHamandChips · 26/01/2019 10:17

He was looking for a quick life fix. He had the kids half the week and was looking for a new woman to take on the sex, the kids and the wifework. When that didnt work out he settled for just sex with you. Im sorry but hes a real user.

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 10:28

I agree. The sex was out of this world...I never knew something like that existed but the trouble was I stupidly mistook it for love not sex

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 26/01/2019 10:29

Try and see it this way. The longer you have him in your life, you're blocking yourself from meeting the person who could be right for you and treat you well. If you walk away now, you'll look back in years to come, whether you're in another relationship or not, and you will be glad you left. Trust me when I say you will be glad.

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 10:31

It seems everywhere I look there's happy couples together and just wish it was me

OP posts:
80sMum · 26/01/2019 10:31

Sadly, OP, it sounds like this relationship has run its course. I think it's time to call it a day and move on.

ImNotKitten · 26/01/2019 10:36

This may be true but I think there are more sensitive/less blunt ways of saying this to the OP when she is distressed

I thought exactly the same thing Radio

Op, it sounds like it has run its course. It’s no wonder him blowing hot and cold is making you feel ill. I would end it, there will be someone else for you who makes you feel valued and cared for all the time. This situation will wreak havoc on your self esteem.

Lozzerbmc · 26/01/2019 10:38

I agree its run its course, for the sake of your self esteem it would be best to call it a day. He’s trying to keep his options open until he finds someone else. Dont think of people as “the one “. People can have happy relationships with different people.

ohamIreally · 26/01/2019 10:48

GreenEggs has it right exactly. The sweet treatment you got in the beginning was him putting in the effort to get you to move in. He's made his play, it didn't work and now he can't be bothered. That was never the real him. This is.

shpoot · 26/01/2019 10:56

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned your statement that his kids said they "wished you were their mum". You said you've gotten very close to his kids but in reality it hasn't been that long.

And now he's stopped you seeing his kids. Were you calling yourself their "stepmum", or talking to him about his ex in a negative way?

To me this seems to be about his kids. He doesn't want you with them for some reason. Honestly, he doesn't want what you want so I'd leave

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 11:03

No...I've never talked about their mum...only nice things to them about her . I've never called myself stepmum. In fact when they used to get excited and say " when you and daddy live together will you be our mum" I would reply and say I'll never be their mum but I'd do my best to look after them. Something has happened that I don't know about because the one that was really OTT with me, hasn't really bothered talking to me on the rare occasions I saw her and this has gone on for months

OP posts:
category12 · 26/01/2019 11:05

Relationships shouldn't be painful.

Be strong and end this.

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 11:06

I'll try but honestly don't know where to start

OP posts:
littleV58 · 26/01/2019 11:11

I'm so sorry you're in such limbo @Strongteaplease 💕

What would you say if this was your best friend going through what you are?

category12 · 26/01/2019 11:14

Just tell him you're done.

Deadringer · 26/01/2019 11:15

What is his relationship like with his ex, could he be seeing her again? It sounds like he was infatuated with you at first but his feelings have waned. He might not be quite ready to let you go, hence the tears, but it's only a matter of time imo. I think you need to put yourself first and move on, you deserve better. Boxing up the stuff he gave you is a good idea, if only we could box up our feelings too, life and love would be so much easier.

Strongteaplease · 26/01/2019 11:17

He says he doesn't have contact with her

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 26/01/2019 11:21

Seriously this hot and cold thing turns the strongest of people into an utter wreck.

I’d reaaaaaally be reconsidering this relationship.

I’m 2 years in with my DP and we are still (disgustingly) cute and schmaltzy. It shouldn’t be like this now and you know it.

The stoning wall and shutting you down is not okay.

Honestly what kind of a life is this?
To cut a long story short, he sees me only when his children aren't there, we hardly spend any time together and all the romance is gone ...I haven't seen him for four days and have had a few texts like " goodnight" and " good morning".

Lillygolightly · 26/01/2019 11:25

OP I agree that something regarding the kids and ex maybe the crux of the situation here.

Are you the first woman he has dated or had a serious relationship with since he split from his ex? Are you the first to meet his kids? How long have he and ex been split?

BlackPrism · 26/01/2019 11:27

"They used to say they wished I was their mum" ... I hope you corrected them, how awful.

I think if you can't communicate about almost anything, clearly and honestly then the relationship isn't worth it. Being in a relationship should mean you are each other's closest confidant with very very few secrets (I don't say no secrets because sometimes people have very deep hurts, like abuse, which are private).

SummerGems · 26/01/2019 11:28

Tbh I read your OP and the statement that his kids said they wished you were their mum rang instant alarm bells for me.

I wonder whether he has become too involved too quickly and that this is starting to take its tole on his kids because they’re not as settled as he wishes they were in his head.

It’s possible he was infatuated and talked up the relationship even to them to the point of you all moving in together and so on.

My ex did this to an extent. When he and his dp got together he started talking about booking “family holidays” etc and they’d only been together for a matter of weeks, the kids hadn’t even met the step parents by that point let alone each other, then when they did it was all happy families and by the time DS felt able to tell his dad that he didn’t particularly warm to the partner it came as a huge shock to ex.

There were other factors at play but ex and his dp moved in together regardless, and the difference is that he told his dp everything that DS had said to him. The upshot is that DS no longer stays there and hasn’t for several years now, and hasn’t spoken to the partner for two years.

As I say there are additional factors at play but the quickness that things moved and the need to sell it to ds were definitely a factor in the beginning.

It sounds as if your BF may in fact be having second thoughts because the kids aren’t as on board as he hoped they would be. And truth is that step parenting relationships change as time moves on anyway but the beginning is crucial.

I would walk away in this instance. I would simply call him (don’t do face to face as he becomes too emotional, but text is too impersonal) and then I would just say to him that you realise that the relationship has run its course and it’s time to move on.

Then cut contact with him. Block if you have to, but make it clear that this is it. The less contact you then have the quicker you will be able to move forward.

Good luck.

SuperSuperSuper · 26/01/2019 11:46

I'm sorry to read this OP. You had such high hopes but I think that he's gone off you, the infatuation has worn off (that can happen in relationships that get serious very quickly) and he's now distancing the kids from you so that they'll be accustomed to your absence and therefore not upset when eventually you separate. It's very unfair on you.

I think you need to take control and end it this weekend. Give him a ring, say it's not what you want any more, wish him and his family well for the future, and be resolute.

Good luck.

Bikinginsummer · 26/01/2019 13:19

I hate when men say 'it's all in your head'!!! Such a horrible, deflective move.
It is NOT in your head and even If it was if he cared he's make damn sure you were reassured.

  1. you are going to hurt like hell at the moment 2. embrace this crappy time, cry, feel like crap, grieve if you do this 3. you'll come out the other end 4. that'll give you clarity and 5. eventually you'll be glad it was a lucky escape and you'll move on and be happy.

Unfortunately you have to go through the terrible grief part to get stronger.

We tend to think 'what did I do wrong' when actually you should focus on what he did wrong ie be fickle and immature and not consider your feelings.

You deserve a genuine, stable, healthy relationship. That relationship he'll never make you question stuff, not know where you stand etc
I speak from experience.