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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed am I over reacting?

98 replies

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 17:58

Hello some advice needed
So basically I have been with my fiance for two years we have a 4 week old son and he has a son from previous relationship
When we first got to get his ex partner was v jealous and throughout the relationship has stalked me on FB, turned their son against me, text him asking him for help moving house (which he declined) , text him asking for help when her car was vandalised , which he was going to do (!) Untill I said it wasnt on... And text him at Christmas saying merry Christmas with a kiss on end... He doesn't know I seen this message (I seen it whilst looking for something else innocently) to which he replied merry Christmas but no kiss.. so all of this Hass been building up .. then last night we are sitting with our newborn 10 at night she messages . He didn't think I seen it. I was that exhausted I didn't say anything and went to bed. Woke up this morning after a sleepless night with baby feeling like a bag of shit and had to have it out with him as it has stewed me all night. I said 'can I ask you something does Charlotte ever text you'
' no ' was his reply
I just said your a liar ...
I seen the messages on your phone last night.
To which he went bright red started sweating profusely and said he had forgotten. I said you forgot it was less then 12 hours ago. So it turns out it was a picture of their child she sent. Now my point is why send that at that time of night.
Am I being unreasonable to think that it is wrong.?
There child has a life limiting illness which is so sad, but they are not by any means ill ATM.
He also said that he can't believe I'm making such a mountain out of a mole hill, he works so hard, everything he does for us etc etc ... Yes he works five days a week...9 hour shifts ...but isn't this just what a parent does to provide.... I feel like it's emotional blackmail.... I shouldn't say anything as he works hard and there child has a illness... Bear in mind the child lives a completely normal life and as I said is not by any means poorly ATM.
Just advice needed as to what you all think

OP posts:

Scotschic · 24/01/2019 18:23

She can’t call on him every time she has a problem, regardless of whether or not they have a child, and I bet when she gets a new partner herself then things will change that way, you see it time and time again.

I think this is a decision that you must make for yourself, nobody has the right to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel, there’s not always a right or wrong when it comes to a persons feelings, and if it’s making you insecure then you must speak to your hubby, it may well be your hormones though and you may feel different in time but I can see why it bothers you, it would bother me too and especially if I was hormonal

katykins85 · 24/01/2019 18:23

Oh dear, ypu sound very confrontational so I'm not at all suprised he lied to you. I think its you who has the issue here not them, and that you should work to address your jealousy and/or anxiety before it ruins your relationship

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:25

There child is 14, he bought a iPhone for him so that he could contact him on that but the mother has refused to set it up.
I forgot to mention that this woman has social services on to her for not looking after the child properly.
She has repeatedly blocked me out of the child's life , I have a bedroom set up ,booked and paid for holidays which she wouldn't let him come on so please don't look at this like I'm the evil stepmother... I also have children of my own who are older so I'm not niave to the contact needed through parents.. she's also admitted in the past to other people that she is obsessed with him ( my partner)

OP posts:

Scotschic · 24/01/2019 18:27

‘When you go out with someone with kids then you have to expect them to want to support their previous family’

Erm, I disagree, he should be expected to support his previous family by providing financial aid for his child and seeing his child on a regular basis, going to school meetings, talking to their child about any trouble they may be in etc, etc, but helping his ex wife with things irrelevant to the child is not right, you support your child, not your ex wife.

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:31

And honestly I am the least confrontational person ever it has taken me all my guts to actually pull him up on this he nearly fell thru the floor when I said anything as he's so used to me not commenting

OP posts:

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 24/01/2019 18:31

At 14 there is no need for the mother to be maintaining much contact. The child can do that himself.
I agree with @Scotschic - Your other half is being dimwitted.

Scotschic · 24/01/2019 18:32

The child is 14? Oh well communication between she and your hubby should definitely be quite limited, a 14 year old is capable of phoning his father without the mother being involved, when I was 14 then my mum and dad hardly spoke, (they separated when I was 2) I was old enough to phone my dad and tell him what day I’d be going etc, etc, and the only time my mum phoned my dad was when I was in trouble at school, which was a lot or when she wanted money from him for Christmas pressies etc, etc, so they only spoke a few times a year, mobiles weren’t out back then so there was no texting but texting your ex at 10pm at night with a photo of your 14 year old child is a bit , I thought the child was an actual child, not a teenager!

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:32

And the car was broken it was vandalising someone threw paint on it and he was going to help wash it off

OP posts:

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:33

No a 14 year old I should have mentioned that

OP posts:

Scotschic · 24/01/2019 18:33

Tiredismymiddlename85 ha we basically wrote the same thing a minute apart!

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:33

Car wasn't broken even!

OP posts:

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 24/01/2019 18:33

@Keba123 - Help wash it,,oh fuck off! She can do that herself!

Scotschic · 24/01/2019 18:34

Help wash it off?! Can I ask why they split, was it him that wanted to split with her I’m assuming?

Giesabreak · 24/01/2019 18:35

There child is 14, he bought a iPhone for him so that he could contact him on that but the mother has refused to set it up.

What's stopping your partner?

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:36

So basically they were apparently never in a relationship
They were sleeping together she got pregnant and then carried on sleeping together in and off over the years untill we met.
Just goes to show how actually unconfrountational I am as I don't ask to much about it... That literally all I know...

OP posts:

bethy15 · 24/01/2019 18:37

There child has a life limiting illness which is so sad, but they are not by any means ill ATM.
he works hard and there child has a illness... Bear in mind the child lives a completely normal life and as I said is not by any means poorly ATM.

Wow, you really seem to have an issue with this child and it's illness, and it's not bringing out the best side of you TBH, you sound really mean about it all. He may not seem ill, to you, it doesn't mean he's not, but not that it matters.

Even if the child is the healthiest child out there, the parents should still have contact, a photo of his son is lovely for him, but you're making him feel bad about it.
Also the Merry Christmas message is the least you would expect from a co parent.

Scotschic · 24/01/2019 18:37

Speak to your hubby and ask him how he’d feel if it was your ex communicating with you all the time when it’s not about your shared child, I bet he wouldn’t like it! He needs to speak to her and tell her that her communication with him is bothering him, he shouldn’t mention that it bothers you because from what you’ve said then she sounds like she’d like that. If your hubby doesn’t respect your feelings then this is a whole other issue, some men just want a quiet life and are weak when it comes to confronting their exes

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:38

@giesabreak he can't set it up as it's with them and the child dosnet bring it when he collects him
Basically it's shoved in a drawer some where

OP posts:

WeeWheels72 · 24/01/2019 18:38

Maybe....just maybe, him doing these things, is keeping her sweet, maybe by saying no, he is afraid of not being able to see his son as much as he does, and if SS's are there, then maybe he wants as much contact with her, so he can keep an eye on it. I am guessing he doesn't want to worry you, which is why he lied, with you having a newborn. It does sound that he is trying to hold everything together, but being pulled in every direction. And if she is still wanting him, she will do anything she can, but he isn't rising to it, so I wouldn't worry about that.

Dirtybadger · 24/01/2019 18:39

What is she refusing to do? Is the illness a physical one? Most 14 year olds know how go use a phone much better than any adult how bizarre

If he's 14 I can't see why they need much contact at all. But depends what his illness is and how it affects him (if at all) socially, physically, etc. I would find it very odd for my mum (when I was 14) to be sending photos of me to anyone, including family or dad....cringe.

Scotschic · 24/01/2019 18:40

Mmmn I wonder if she got pregnant to try to get him into a relationship? Strange that you’d have a baby with a man and continue to keep letting him use you for sex, that’s what it sounds like to me, most women that had a baby to a man would want more, maybe she feels you were ‘the other woman’? Mmmn it’s quite strange, I think you should ask him and get lots more info, something isn’t adding up about that imo.

Scotschic · 24/01/2019 18:41

Why can’t his son set it up? Most 14 year olds are like IT experts when it comes to new phones!

Bluestitch · 24/01/2019 18:42

Mmmn I wonder if she got pregnant to try to get him into a relationship?

Wow Scotschic do you know her? Interesting fact, men having casual sex with women they aren't in a relationship with can avoid pregnancy by using condoms.

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:42

@bethy15 I seriously don't have a issue with his child.
I love him
The poor child isn't looked after properly by his mother he's nearly been removed from her care when he was younger
I would have him live hear tomorrow if she would allow it.
He has a bedroom hear and would be safe and looked after and loved.

OP posts:

Original poster

Keba123 · 24/01/2019 18:46

The illness dosnet effect the child physically or socially.
The phone has basically been taken off the child and put in a drawer somewhere
The child is shit scared of his mother so won't ask for it back

OP posts:

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