Platonic friendships

[jinglejangle21]

Hello all.

I need advice please

Platonic friendship for a decade.

Both married. Both in bad places.

We text everyday. Multiple times. Also get the morning/night text. Always kisses on the end or sent separately if forgotten.

Conversations range from deep and meaning to the everyday.

Know things about each other no one else does.

Call each other our own support system.
Different sides of the same coin etc.
Some intellectual flirtation has occurred so to speak.

Tell me this is normal as other friends have said it isn't.

You're both married to other people but you are doing this every day . No it's not normal. I'm not surprised that you are "both in bad places"in your marriages , if you are both spending so much time every day talking to someone else , indulging in "intellectual flirtation" etc.

Do what you like but don't try to dress this up as a "platonic friendship" because you've gone way beyond platonic and straight into an emotional affair.

You will continue to make more bad places

If you and your friend weren’t in such bad places at the moment..would you be so emotionally investing in your friendship? i.e regular text messages, supporting one another and flirting. Would you be doing this if you and your partner were in a really really good place? Probably not. And neither would they.

I’m not judging, because I know how it feels to be in a bad place with a partner, that emotional support especially from the friendship of opposite sex truly helps, however knowing things about each other no one else knows is something that should be shared within a marriage; but that’s just my opinion. I think when it starts getting to this point then you need to think about the overall situation a bit more.

It also depends on how long this level of communication and emotional support has been going on? As you mentioned you’ve had a platonic friendship for 10 years.

We have always been really close. Within the same friend group all lived on the same street.

Marriages were/are in bad places due to unrelated events.

We have been really really close for around 4 years.

Communication was always like this when living in the same street we saw each other every day.

We know these secrets because we have had similar experiences.

A334
We had communication like this when we were all in "perfect" marriages / relationships.

Do you fancy him? Does your DH know about the texts?

Yes he knows that we text each other.
Like I said we were all in the same friend circle.

He's a good looking bloke. I don't really know what there is to say about that.

I would like to say that I didn't feel there was anything wrong but speaking to a friend not in the same circle and she was a bit

You need to take responsibility for the emotional support you give each other. It will be adversely affecting your marriages.

If your DH had a similar relationship, how would you view it?

Normal to have platonic friendships, BUT not to the point of this. You're both emotionally invested too deeply.

If your husband has a good looking girl friend like this, who he texts every day, every morning and night with a kiss emoji, knows his deepest secrets (when you don't!), how would you feel?

Doesn't sound platonic to me. Sending kisses separately if you forget them. Weird. Both sound over invested.

This isn't a platonic friendship. You're both committing emotional infidelity.

I've never felt the need to send platonic friends "good morning" and "good night" texts. There isn't really the time, and it would detract from continuing any other conversations we were having. Sounds too intense, sorry.

What is ‘intellectual flirtation’? you seem to be trying your hardest to convince us that it’s platonic, but honestly, are you even convincing yourself? The two of you are way too emotionally invested with each other and you know, on some level or other, that what you’re doing isn’t right, or you’d not be asking. You’re right to doubt yourself. Now you just need to work out what to do next, and which man is more important to you.

i have a very close male platonic friend. We see each other about 6 times a year. But we only text or speak to each other to arrange our meetings. Never several times a day. Honestly I wouldn't have time to do that with any friend - female or male.

Yes it sounds like its more than a friendship. Too involved and co-dependent. I think it will be having an impact on your marriage. Like Princess Diana said - there were 3 of us in our marriage. You need to be honest with yourself about this thing. Deep down do you secretly want it to be an affair?

I have a male friend... we probably text most days but it's not an issue if we don't message for a day or two. I never send to or receive from him a good morning/night text (but may say "right I'm off to bed" & get "night" in response) & although we do put an x on the end of a message if it's the last one of the day if one (or both) of us forget no one sends an extra message to add it cause that would be weird

How would you feel if he didn't text you for a day or two? Didn't send the good morning/good night texts? Didn't send the kisses? If you'd be upset by that then you've crossed the line from platonic friendship to emotional affair.

Not normal. Emotional affair. I think you know this by the tone of your posts. You say your DH knows you message but I sincerely doubt he knows the extent of it and the shared secrets, intellectual flirting (WTF is that?), kisses etc. Also - your support system should not be a man outside your marriage who you are flirting with in any context. Your friend is right - this is very wrong and there will potentially be massive fall out. How do you think your partners would feel if your and his messages were shown to everyone on a group night.out? If you would be willing to show the group then you can rest easy....please do that on the next group meet up then report back how it went. I would be thinking along the lines of 2 divorces and a shit load of heartache.

Thank you all.

I would never want an affair. I have seen the devastation they cause.

I didn't see any problem with it as it has been going on for so so long.

Reverse this.
If your DH was having the same text conversations with another woman would it bother you?
Really read through some of the stuff you have written to each other.
Now you are reading this on your DH phone.
What is your reaction?
What would his reaction be if he read all the messages you send each other?
You are having an emotional affair.
And NO - it's not OK.

Sounds like an emotional affair, for sure.

What is an emotional affair?

Personally I don't think it's any sort of affair as we are friends.

I only came here to ask as a friend questioned it.

FWIW I'm not some sort of horrible home wrecking ogre and would never hurt anyone intentionally.

I thought everyone put kisses on texts.

You are willfully ignoring the importance of your relationship with this man.

Ok Jinglejangle21,

We text everyday. Multiple times. Also get the morning/night text. Always kisses on the end or sent separately if forgotten.

Conversations range from deep and meaning to the everyday.

Know things about each other no one else does.

Can I ask if you do all the above with your OH/DH too? And would you be happy if he invested the same amount of time of messaging etc with a female friend?

Here's a definition of an emotional affair:
www.relate.org.uk/blog/2015/7/28/whats-emotional-affair

If you can honestly say it is purely platonic and your OH knows about the level of contact you have with this friend, then you don't have a problem.

This behaviour will tear two innocent people apart. It’s horrible and selfish to do this to another person.

The kisses sent if forgotten and the flirtation would worry me.

I actually have a male best friend that I chat to almost everyday, we say good morning, we support and try to give advice to each other, send stupid memes etc.
We never send x’s though and don’t flirt, pretty sure we’d both be like if one of us sent or said anything dodgy like that.

@FissionChips I thought all friends sent kisses on texts. So tbh that is my mistake.

My initial problem with it being called something like an EA is that if it was a same sex friend people probably wouldn't be bothered by it.

@Bowchicawowow this is why I have asked as it is not my intent to hurt anyone.

I'm not trying to dress this up as anything I just wanted others views to gain a perspective as to what outside people would think.

I understand people think I am being awful and I don't want anyone to think I am doing a woe is me at all.

If this is what you are saying it is then I will have to do something about it. NC is not an option as we are all in the same friend group.