Platonic friendships

[jinglejangle21]

Hello all.

I need advice please

Platonic friendship for a decade.

Both married. Both in bad places.

We text everyday. Multiple times. Also get the morning/night text. Always kisses on the end or sent separately if forgotten.

Conversations range from deep and meaning to the everyday.

Know things about each other no one else does.

Call each other our own support system.
Different sides of the same coin etc.
Some intellectual flirtation has occurred so to speak.

Tell me this is normal as other friends have said it isn't.

@FissionChips he frequently sends just a text of kisses after we say goodnight.

The flirting is more just offhand comments, occasional face, what will happen we are old and grey etc

It sounds fine. Don't stress, you guys have a close friendship, don't panic.

@Honeybooboo123 thank you. glad not everyone thinks I'm about to turn into a bunny boiler lol

Do your other halves know about your constant contact and kisses sent? Are they happy with it?

I put more kisses on texts to some of my male work friends than I do to my DP 😂 but the difference is I text those people maybe once or twice a week, generally about work stuff or group social arrangements. It's not about the kisses it's the content and the frequency. My DP could look through every single one of my texts and not be remotely concerned, I always think that's the sign that a line has or hasn't been crossed.

I tell my DH that we are talking. I assume his DW does too.
Not sure of the extent.

The kisses haven't come up no.

@Heyha
We put kisses on the end of every message even if it's just a lol text

Nothing wrong with that in itself. Do you think you're seeing it as platonic but he might be hoping for more if both your relationships do end up failing? You seem genuinely surprised by people questioning the relationship you've got so could it be you are, in the nicest possible way, being naive about the situation and innocently involved in something which looks dodgy to us outsiders peeping in? It could even be that the other chap is being naive too. But to answer your question on the face of it there's nothing wrong with platonic friendships and I think they can be the best kind, but I think most people are saying yours isn't following the usual pattern for whatever reason. Hope that doesn't sound harsh as I personally don't get the impression there's any malice towards your DH, it seems you've both just fallen into whatever it is if you see what I mean.

@Heyha
Not harsh at all. I agree I am surprised. I did expect people to say what I thought and think nothing of it.

I believe it's platonic and I think/thought he did. I don't think either of us think we overstepped a boundary. But now I'm questioning whether I can't see the wood for the trees so to speak.

We have the same sense of humour etc as well so it could be that that makes it sound strange to people.

@Heyha

I don't know what the usual pattern of platonic friends is. I thought it was what I have lol.

Would never hurt either of our DPs but I believe that if your DPs are the opposite of you then your friends should be your doubles if you get me.

jinglejangle you've been asked several times if you would be ok with your DH having a similar friendship, texts etc with a female friend, and, unless I've missed it, you haven't replied. Your posts are all about you, rationalising why you think this set-up is ok. Would it be ok with you if your DH had a similar friendship with another woman? Or is it only ok because you and your platonic male friend are 'special' ?

Is your DH is ok with the quantity of txts being sent and received?

@Walkacrossthesand

I would have no issue with it tbh

@Dinnerisburnt

He is aware that we text a lot.

Has said he isn't bothered. I asked if he wanted my phone to check and he said he wasn't fussed either way

@Walkacrossthesand

I've never stated we are special.

What is wrong with this set up if you don't mind me asking. Genuinely interested in your opinion hence why I posted

I don't know - I really don't.

My best friend is a man and we chat online most days, although only get good morning/good night messages if we happen to be chatting at that time rather than a matter of course. There never used to be 'x's although they've started sneaking in over the past two months as well as lots of affirmations ie talking about how similar we are, how close we are, how important we are to each other etc. More inside jokes, language that no-one else would understand, and the odd affectionate term.

Is that an EA too? I don't know.

@Partylikeits2019

My friendship is the same except it's been going on longer.

Personally I don't think it's an EA but I suppose each person sees it differently.

I used to chat all day long to a friend when I was a student so using PC at home a lot. Used an online messenger etc. He was always farting around at work. But we never send cutesie good morning or night messages. I would have found that thoroughly odd and cooled it off. Equally whilst neither of us would send "x" I wouldn't have found this weird in itself if we had, but specifically sending them when forgotten read like "Oh no I forgot to send my kisses" which is OTT and also would find very odd.

It wasn't an EA.

Now I work full time we don't message. He's my DPs best mate (we are all old friends) and they now message all day as both often have FA to do at work. If he started sending him good morning or night texts I would assume DP had decided he wanted something more with his male friend tbh.....

partylikeits I would say you’re on dangerous ground personally with the increase in intensity

@Dirtybadger

Im just beginning to think that obvs each person is different and each friendship/relationship is different.

It's all very confusing to be honest as some find it but others don't.

@Isth

I would never do anything to hurt anyone.

I can't personally see it going further tbh but like I said it's good to get an outside perspective

Honestly OP I don’t think it would’ve mattered what anyone else said, you didn’t want to hear anything other than ‘you’re not doing anything wrong’.

@Isth

If I had don't something blatantly wrong I would of called myself out let alone anyone else.

I wanted to know if other people had the same opinion as my friend.

I don't want anyone to say it's all ok if it's not.

This sounds familiar. My dh was in this sort of friendship. He'd known her for 10 years. In the last couple of years I knew they'd texted a lot. Then one day I looked at his phone....it was full of "banter" she was feeling sad, so he'd said there's always me followed by holiday/kissy/cocktail emojis. I felt really hurt. She'd sent photos of herself (dressed!) asking him which top she should wear etc.... Don't I look sad? Etc...

Dh said it was nothing - harmless friendship, but of flirting etc.. He said he had talked about our marriage. I made him realise that it wouldn't take much for it to go over the line. They knew each other well, texted frequently, - it created an intimacy.
He's shut the friendship down. I understand what you say - no one would think anything if it was another woman - but it's not is it?

Plus I never liked this woman! Too huggy.

@14allall41

I wouldn't send photos. That is def over the line isn't it. We don't tend to mention marriage/partners as that would be wrong to them.

I do think that people can have non intimate close friendships. It's exactly the same as have a bitchy girls night isn't it??

I just think that a lot of people still don't get that men and women can be friends without anything else.