Platonic friendships

[jinglejangle21]

Hello all.

I need advice please

Platonic friendship for a decade.

Both married. Both in bad places.

We text everyday. Multiple times. Also get the morning/night text. Always kisses on the end or sent separately if forgotten.

Conversations range from deep and meaning to the everyday.

Know things about each other no one else does.

Call each other our own support system.
Different sides of the same coin etc.
Some intellectual flirtation has occurred so to speak.

Tell me this is normal as other friends have said it isn't.

Forget "I asked my DH if he wanted to read it and he said he wasn't bothered".

• Give your phone to your husband.
• Allow him to read everything you've written to this guy.
• Yes, everything. Ever.

1. Would you be happy for him to read all of this?

and

1. Would he be happy after he had read it all?

If the answer to either of those two questions is "No" or even "Maybe" then you've got a problem.

@Sethis

I have left my phone open and unlocked and told him to read them. He said no.

I have no issue with him reading them at all.

I think he wouldn't see a problem.

I think if you didn’t think was a problem when your friend mentioned it it wouldn’t have bothered you.

I think you’ve posted on here so you can talk about him.

Well you sound convinced that there's nothing to be worried about, despite most posters saying they wouldn't be happy. I can only say, be careful.

Honestly, I think it's easy to cross the line. By the time, she sent photos to my dh, they had been texting for years. He said he thought it was odd, but didn't say stop. If your friend sent a photo asking you if you liked the shirt he was wearing...what would you say? Give an opinion or say woah that's a step too far?

It's easy for that line to move.

I don’t think it’s wrong. But I have male friends that I would confide in etc same as any of the girls. We’ve always had a mixed group, it’s just the way it is. And I send loads of kisses! I feel bad if I forget them 😄 If it was someone I actually felt attracted to I’d be overthinking every kiss at the end of a message! I did have a situation once though where a male friend confessed his love after years of me thinking it was platonic, so just maybe be careful your friend doesn’t feel this way about you...

I have male friends I speak with daily. Some will put x on texts.

But the difference is that I don't over think it. I'm in a very happy relationship so I'm not replacing parts of it with friends.

You come across as though you're wanting people to tell you there's more to it for you.

My best friend is a bloke. We talk most days (not everyday, that's quite full on to me) but don't put kisses, I only really put kisses to female friends very occasionally or dp; but then I'm not one for signing off with an xx after accidentally doing it to my boss 🤦‍♀️

Our messages are usually just general, nothing deep and he doesn't know anything about me that dp doesn't also know. I think that's where it becomes dangerous.

It sounds like you feel a bit more for this guy, but you're not ready to admit/acknowledge it yet. I think that's why you posted, as from what you've said it sounds more intense than a friendship. If my dp was messaging a woman in the same way you are, I would be feeling uncomfortable in all honesty.

I'm a bit confused as to your response to me where you say some people think it's fine others don't. Because opinions so far here are very strongly weighed towards it being a bit odd not exactly a 50/50 split.

Also, "can't men and women be friends" stuff. Of course they can. The type of communication you're having I would find odd with anyone bar a partner. If you were sending them to a woman I would be saying a similar thing. Very intense platonic relationships can still affect romantic relationships negatively.

Supposed to be confused face not blushing. Oops!!

I don’t think your friendship is normal. Having thought about it I don’t think mine is either.

It might be wiser to put your energy into your marriage, which is in a bad place, instead of this "platonic" friend. As you stated you have both told each other things no one else knows, this seems like an emotional affair. No idea why you'd you ask your husband if he wants to check through your phone if he's fine with all this?

I had this kind of friendship. We have now been dating over 7 months. I had no intentions of it becoming this, was still being led on by my ex of 6 years, that ended, had this lovely friend and both being single just totally fell for eachother.

If you and this friend were both single, honestly, would it become a relationship?

I would feel like a cheat if i had this kind of friendship with another man whilst in a relationship, and i'd feel betrayed and cheated on if he was like that with another woman.

You said you don't know what a normal level of contact for a friend is. I don't think that's true, is it, really. Obviously, a normal level of contact is the kind of level you have with all your other friends apart from this one! This one is not normal and it's emotional affair territory.

'Marriages were/are in bad places due to unrelated events'

Marriages are in bad places when one or both partners choose not to prioritize their partner. In all the ways. Don't get much of a sense you're a team. Focus on your marriage.

This is how my marriage began.

I was married before and was happy enough. I had a male best friend who I shared everything with but I was convinced it was 100% platonic. We texted a lot and my first husband knew and even read the texts sometimes. All seemed fine.

Then I went on holiday with my best friend and other friends for his 40th. That weekend he made a move and it was like the whole world suddenly made sense.

So, um, I’m not so sure.

@jinglejangle21 - No the level, tone and time amount spent talking to this friend is not normal. You clearly would rather speak to each other than your partners!!
You didn't answer the question about how you would feel if the kisses stopped, the content changed or stopped?

ObamaLlama when you were friends did you talk to each other about other possible partners etc?

@Partylikeits2019 - we never talked about getting together or about being with anyone but our then partners. I was committed to my marriage and saw him as simply a close friend.

*What is an emotional affair? 

Personally I don't think it's any sort of affair as we are friends.

I only came here to ask as a friend questioned it.

FWIW I'm not some sort of horrible home wrecking ogre and would never hurt anyone intentionally.

I thought everyone put kisses on texts.*

Is this a newspaper thread?

The above quote just seems way too disingenuous to me

But if you're for real, OP, you are not friends with this man

What you have with him is an emotional bond which by its very nature excludes your partners and could therefore lead to the break up of two marriages

This is an emotional affair.