Can't stop visualising partner's affair (broken self-esteem)

[forbackwards]

Last week I found out my OH slept with a MUCH younger woman, and they did the deed twice. I noticed signs they were flirting for a while now but could never get proof and didn't want to come across as insecure. He said there was "other stuff" that happened earlier (not sex) and I can't get it out of my head and asking him detailed questions about the whole sordid affair. He said they were both extremely drunk twice and he's been having some issues in his life that makes him miserable sometimes. She also hasn't been able to conceive with her DH for many years, which she's told me about.

This has totally destroyed my self-confidence, which I've built up over my life to a pretty healthy place until now (I'm 46). But now I can't help comparing myself to this woman who is literally 20 years younger than me.

He says they both agreed it was a mistake, and he even had a really heated confrontation with her DH a few nights ago (I wasn't there).

Before you say to LTB..I honestly can't. I left my long-term marriage for this guy, took the kids with me, moved to a different town, and my life would seriously fall apart. I'm really determined to fix things for so many reasons.

Has anyone repaired a relationship (and their confidence) after an affair? If so how long did it take and what did you do?

Don’t just stay with someone because of pride.

Go and get some therapy on your own. I can’t say what type of person he is, as I don’t him or you. But I would seriously examine all of the above in counselling.

But do not stay with someone because of shame.

OP, my exH had an affair with a girl 20 years younger and it broke me. There is no way I could have stayed with him. 3 years on and I am still working on my self-esteem. You are worth so much more than being with a cheat.

Agree with PP's. I can't think of any unsolvable reasons of why you'd want to stay with someone who's so willingly destroyed your self-esteem. I wouldn't be able to get over it, it would always exist to weigh down the relationship and be a barrier of building your confidence again - do you want that for the rest of your life?

You cheated on your husband with this guy then ?

Oh dear

You went straight from your marriage with your children.

How long had you known your boyfriend when you all moved?

Are you saying you cheated WITH this guy who's now cheating on you?

Yes he’s cheating on her with another married woman. Clearly he has a type.

My wife was messing around with her boss for 2 years before she left me and our son. With a bit of hindsight I’d say take control of the situation yourself now otherwise you’ll end up reduced to reacting as I was for about a year.

What a mess. He clearly has no respect for you, which is all the more reason to have respect for yourself. How do you want to feel in a year's time OP? This relationship is not going to get better. It's better to go through the short-term pain of a break-up then stick around for a long-term train wreck. Get out now for you and your kids.

So sad to hear others have been here too :(

I didn't cheat on my Ex-h. I admit I did confess me feelings to current OH while married, but I swiftly separated from Ex-h before we even went on our first date (and we didn't sleep together until a few dates in).

What I don't understand is what these younger women see in men my OH's age? Everybody knows he has money problems, drinking problems and it's not like he doesn't LOOK younger than his age. I can't for the life of me figure out what possessed her to pursue him so aggressively

not like he looks younger than his age* sorry, typing angrily

He probably lavished her with attention and she felt flattered by it.

He will pull out all the stops to make the sex great for her...moreso than with you...and he will be making her feel she is a princess. That's how it works in affairs with the younger woman.

The man can be old fat and bald...but he treats her like a rare gem. Treatment you may have got in the beginning..but it's long gone.

He did stuff before sleeping with her on the 2 occasions...but is telling you he was drunk?

I'd be making sure her husband knows...don't believe your partner is telling the truth.

I won't say leave, but grow yourself a very thick skin and turn of your emotions to survive.

If you can't do that...when you realise it's affecting your parenting...maybe you'll put a plan into action and realise he just wasn't worth leaving your marriage for.

Forbackwards, I’ve been wondering about you and am so sorry. We all were horrified about your partner and the OW, who were brazenly flirting and sexually touching in your presence. He called her the most beautiful woman in the world. They were constantly phoning, texting, and doing favors for each other. You last post was about their day out together. You wondered if he saw her as a daughter figure.

He was gaslighting you. You were in denial and refused to take action. I couldn’t understand why you were tolerating it, but you had not divulged your history with him.

Personally, I could never be with a man who treated me with such massive disrespect and disregard. He was cheating right in front of you and behind your back, Forbackwards. He will certainly do it again.

YOU cannot fix this. It was never about you. It is up to HIM to work to restore your trust. I doubt he will, because he feels hugely entitled to demean and betray you. Despite your history, you should not feel trapped. You do not have to stay with him, and you can rebuild your life.

Please seek individual counseling to express your feelings, to boost your self-esteem, and to learn why you are willing to settle for so very little.

I can't for the life of me figure out what possessed her to pursue him so aggressively

^

He was a challenge?

I feel sad for you. You will never be happy with this man. He has no respect for you at all.

MsDogLady, I must've reread your comments on my previous thread 20 times over. Genuinely appreciate your detailed insight. You obviously were not wrong about a thing

You left your marriage for this piece of shit sleaze ?

I expect he love/sex bombed her (and others too) just like he did to you. I am not sure why you are blaming women younger than yourself for falling for the exact same shit you did

Wake up, find your self respect and fuck saving face. You need to get out before your mistake in getting with him in the 1st place is compounded a thousand times over

Everybody knows he has money problems and drinking problems

Well, presumably you knew that and still left your long term marriage with the father of your kids for him, so not sure why you're expressing surprise about someone else fancying him.

He told you she pursued him aggressively right ?

The only way to fix this is to walk away and start rebuilding your life. I’ve been here and it’s honestly easier to be alone than try and put this right.

You fell for his bullshit too.

It's not surprising that someone else did.

You won't get past this. It's over.

Everybody knows he has money problems, drinking problems and it's not like he looks younger than his age And yet you left your husband for him? If he's cheating on you after a year together there's nothing there to repair.

OP please take the "back" out of your username.....You need to move forwards. This guy will never change. He has openly and consistently disrespected you and you are on a very slippery slope. If you don't find some way of leaving, this will eat you up....until the next time it happens and you will be focussing on his new squeeze.

Before you say to LTB..I honestly can't. I left my long-term marriage for this guy, took the kids with me, moved to a different town, and my life would seriously fall apart.

Your life is already apart. This move was a mistake, you have to do as much as possible to reverse it. Don’t keep plugging on thinking it will be ok. It won’t.

Cut your losses, he sounds like a right twat.