Can't stop visualising partner's affair (broken self-esteem)

[forbackwards]

Last week I found out my OH slept with a MUCH younger woman, and they did the deed twice. I noticed signs they were flirting for a while now but could never get proof and didn't want to come across as insecure. He said there was "other stuff" that happened earlier (not sex) and I can't get it out of my head and asking him detailed questions about the whole sordid affair. He said they were both extremely drunk twice and he's been having some issues in his life that makes him miserable sometimes. She also hasn't been able to conceive with her DH for many years, which she's told me about.

This has totally destroyed my self-confidence, which I've built up over my life to a pretty healthy place until now (I'm 46). But now I can't help comparing myself to this woman who is literally 20 years younger than me.

He says they both agreed it was a mistake, and he even had a really heated confrontation with her DH a few nights ago (I wasn't there).

Before you say to LTB..I honestly can't. I left my long-term marriage for this guy, took the kids with me, moved to a different town, and my life would seriously fall apart. I'm really determined to fix things for so many reasons.

Has anyone repaired a relationship (and their confidence) after an affair? If so how long did it take and what did you do?

Sorry I've been sloppy replying on here, been spending a lot of time with DC and work. Thank you for knocking some sense into me MNers. I told DC yesterday that I have decided to seperate from OH and he won't be coming over anymore. DD was quite upset not understanding why (still is) and it just made me realise I can't risk really hurting our family again if OH and I were together for longer and things blew up further down the track. I don't have any friends here and haven't been able to confide in a single soul. Haven't wanted to tell my friends back at home this whole mess either. I really do appreciate the wisdom on here.
I told OH we were finished and honestly he didn't even fight for it, I think he knew/wanted us to end up here. I haven't talked to OW or her H or even seen them (guess they're avoiding everyone). If OW and OH ended up together then so be it, something tells me he's deluded himself into thinking he can make something work with her--he really has not and will never think like a grown up adult.
Sad and exhausted but will begin picking up the pieces for DC.

Eattothebeat he called me and said he needed to see me after work. I already knew what I was coming home to. Not sure why he decided to confess at that time

He can obviously talk the talk...... get rid!

Yes he can :(

Well done. What an utter arse.

Again, AnyFucker is right, honestly listen to her, she is blunt but she is right to the bloody point

Well done op.
You knew what to do. You just needed that extra kick.
Now be kind to yourself.
Take each day as it comes.
And move on when you are ready.

He’s obviously manipulated her by seeing the weaknesses in her relationship and knowing how to make her feel
Special . Obviously she can’t have been in it for his fit body lol .

Sorry to say this but some older
Men have the gift of the fab and the experience to pull an unwitting younger woman who thinks it’s love for a few seconds then realises ... oh my god he’s soooooo OLD.

Anyway he’s a cock. Don’t try to make it work he will do it again .

*Gift of the gab

Glad u dumped him. Good riddance . Don’t let him slime his way back in .

Forbackwards, I just saw your update. It took much courage to end it with him. I know that your self-confidence will return in spades as you move forward. I will be thinking of you.

Thank Christ for that. Keep him away from you, he is bringing you down.

Seems like he's on a massive, eternal ego trip. Can I turn this married woman's head, can I get a woman half my age into bed, who's next? Whoops, she left her husband, that's a bit inconvenient.

Forbackwards, well done on calling it. It is truly hard and you have done the right thing. How old is your DD? Honestly, kids are resilient and you will both get through this. There is always a way forward of some kind, but it definitely wasn't going to be with him. Believe me you will be a few months ahead soon like me and will feel free of that anxiety. If the OH and OW get together, it probably won't work. The fantasy bubble is now broken now her DH has found out too. Reality will take hold for them one day and she will realise she's now with someone who is older, but not grown up yet!! It might be endearing to start with, but after a while it becomes very tedious. As I've said before, my ex-OH had an affair with someone significantly younger and I've just heard on the grapevine that all is not well in tinsel town which I am feeling a lot of schadenfreude for. Your day will come to feel the same. Hold your head up high and when you do tell the friends back home, just take the support you can. Keep everything tight for you and DD and you will both be ok x

Forbackwards, how are you doing?

@MsDogLady thanks for checking in.

He hasn't even tried to get in contact with me since things ended, which is mostly fine with me. I did end up running into OW's DH and we had a coffee and had a long chat. Turns out he knew for a while things were brewing. OW apparently told him ages ago she was attracted to my ex and asked if they could take a break from hanging out with us. Made me think maybe my ex was the one going after her instead...while he was still with me.

OW DH is a very nice man and I really feel for him. Says my ex has been calling her and texting a lot and he's getting worried more for their safety than anything else (ex has had trouble in past with drinking etc) Had to hold my tongue when he was saying they were trying to make it work though.

Turns out the whole town pretty much knows about their affair (or suspects) too.

Me and DC are moving on. Lots to keep busy with so it feels like it's more their problem now than mine. Feel a bit bad for them in a way - they're too young to be dealing with an unstable and potentially dangerous older man who doesn't know his boundaries!

Well done op, do not look back.

As soon as I read your op it sounded familiar and then I realised I knew the backstory from your other thread. You were right and your gut instinct served you well.

Listen to it. When your resolve is breaking, listen to it. He has shown you exactly who he is, accept he is not what you thought and walk away with your dignity intact, even if your pride has been dented.

It will get better. You will not have the burden of a skint old drunk around your neck in the future. Concentrate on you and your lovely children. I wish you well

I didn't realise it was you OP. I remember the most beautiful woman in the world comment.

Plus them going on days out sneakily.

I'm suprised you waited till he cheated to end it...because the disrespect was so overt.

You mentioned people thinking they were a couple.

I don't think their affair is over.. but it's not your problem.

Good job you didn't live together.

Forbackwards, it’s so good to hear from you.

Strange that she played all innocent with her husband, asking to not be around you both, when she was willingly hanging on your partner at the night spot and sneaking off for days out.

Does her DH know that they actually had sex?

Much better things will be coming your way. You were very brave to draw the line. It is unfathomable that he asked you to move there with your children, you took the leap of faith and did so, and then he stomped on you. What a pathetic man. At some point he will bitterly regret treating you so badly, but by then you will be happy elsewhere.

Do you plan to stay there or move back to your former area?