Can't stop visualising partner's affair (broken self-esteem)

[forbackwards]

Last week I found out my OH slept with a MUCH younger woman, and they did the deed twice. I noticed signs they were flirting for a while now but could never get proof and didn't want to come across as insecure. He said there was "other stuff" that happened earlier (not sex) and I can't get it out of my head and asking him detailed questions about the whole sordid affair. He said they were both extremely drunk twice and he's been having some issues in his life that makes him miserable sometimes. She also hasn't been able to conceive with her DH for many years, which she's told me about.

This has totally destroyed my self-confidence, which I've built up over my life to a pretty healthy place until now (I'm 46). But now I can't help comparing myself to this woman who is literally 20 years younger than me.

He says they both agreed it was a mistake, and he even had a really heated confrontation with her DH a few nights ago (I wasn't there).

Before you say to LTB..I honestly can't. I left my long-term marriage for this guy, took the kids with me, moved to a different town, and my life would seriously fall apart. I'm really determined to fix things for so many reasons.

Has anyone repaired a relationship (and their confidence) after an affair? If so how long did it take and what did you do?

If you stay you are pro-actively being willing to be miserable for the rest of your life.

That is all.

Seriously agree don't stay with someone for pride if he thinks he can get away with it what's to stop him doing it again?... Don't be a push over love is a powerful thing but so is learning to love yourself. Talk to someone get some help don't bottle it up alone it's awful what you've been through there is no excuse to brush it off as a drunken fling is pathetic as is to say he's been through "stuff" why couldn't he talk to you?... Do yourself a massive new year favour and move on you'll thank yourself for it in time.

I think she saw him as a challenge.

You need to kick him into touch. He’s a cheat

You don't really describe him as being a great catch. He obviously has issues and clearly is attracted to other men's wives. This is a pattern.

Maybe you need some time apart for you to comprehend the enormity of what he has done to you. I've been there, with the younger woman. In the midst of all the raw emotional turmoil (discovering the affair) like you, I would've done anything to save our marriage. In reality, I lost respect for him and the trust was gone. I deserved better than a man who lies and cheats.

Although it broke my heart, asking him to leave was one of the best decisions I've made. He went on to embark on a further affair - making me realise that usually a leopard cannot change its spots. He had. Many issues, which I didn't realise until I was alone and had time to reflect on our marriage. I also got to know myself inside out, which has ensured I will never ever allow a man to disrespect me again.

I know it's difficult when kids are involved (we had 5 between us) but there is always a way out YOU are the priority. Kids adapt better than you think.

Well the more you type, the more of a catch he sounds!!??? NOT!
OP, do NOT do this to yourself.
Why do you think you have to make this work?
Pride???
This will eat away at you forever.
Things will never be the same again.
Do not live a half life because you think you need to prove yourself to everyone.
You don't.
You need to be happy.
You are 46. Do you really want to feel like this for the next 20-30-40 years???
I highly doubt it.
He's a cheat. He's a liar. He's disrespectful. He's probably (from the little you have said) an alcoholic. He has money troubles.
There is nothing positive about this man.
Please cut your losses.
Google 'sunk cost fallacy' and do some reading.
This is no way to live.
Your self confidence and self esteem have already taken a battering.
It will only get worse. Your mental health will suffer and your life will be shite!
And please get some counselling - no 'man' is worth this!
Understand why you are prepared to put up with this treatment.
Why you think so little of yourself!?

What Any Fucker said. (As always)

OP as someone who stupidly cheated on my partner many years ago I can say these things don’t happen by accident. They were symptomatic of many things. I know you don’t want to LTB but you have to get to the core of the problem if you’re going to repair it. It’s very natural to focus on your own insecurities but (and this is a chliche I know) but it’s not you, it’s him.

Why not have counselling to really dig into what the issues are?

"You left your marriage for this piece of shit sleaze ?"

⬆️ That!

Your OH has a drink problem, financial issues and cheats on you and you want to stay with him? Apart from anything else you are setting your DC's a very bad example about relationships.

He sounds awful and you need to call it a day and focus on yourself for a while and your DC's.

I also remember your previous post. There really is no way forward for you except to leave him as I don't know how you and the H of the OW are ever going to forgive these cheats.

I've been through similar. My ex-partner who I recently left, cheated on me . He was someone I met soon after I split with my ex-H. My ex-H wasn't happy at the time, but had also himself met the lady who became his second wife. Quite a lot of people thought it wouldn't work out with my partner (they tell me now!) and a year later I moved in with him, taking my DD. There were red flags throughout (not to do with cheating, though), but I let a lot of things slide clinging on to the hope he would change. We had good aspects of our relationship, but over all he was a very immature and lazy person....I tried to let that slide, as I said..thinking as he aged he might change. Then to top things off after years of having no doubt in trusting him, he basically had an emotional affair for a year with the OW who was in her early/mid twenties. We are in our 40s. Everyone has been shocked that he would do this. He lied to his parents and to other work colleagues. Judging from their messages to each other which I discovered and cemented the true nature of their relationship, they hadn't DTD yet. I left him immediately and blocked him from my life. My DD and I were devastated, but have moved house and settling well in our new life. I'm free from the constant anxiety about their 'friendship', the emotional abuse and the gaslighting.

This is going to be very hard for you to move on from if you are adamant you can't leave. The anxiety will eat you up and you will never trust him again. Although it was hard at the time when we left, my DD is fine and we talk about what happened. I encouraged her to talk to anyone she wanted about it. One of the first people I contacted on the night I left the ex-P was my ex-H. Both he and his wife have been very supportive throughout all this as for some of the time when I moved out, my DD had to go and live with them until I could save up to move (it was for 8 weeks). What I mean to say by this is please think past your pride and get some support from friends and family. I didn't hold back in telling everyone the truth and had no shame...why should I when it was he and the OW who were the cheats? The support I received, I will always be grateful for.

My confidence and self esteem were shot throughout the year I was lied to, but since I found out the truth and knew I wasn't 'crazy', I've started to heal. I know at least I can go to bed at night with a clear conscience, not like my ex. The days after I left he had to have time off work and told his parents that he'd had a nervous breakdown because I left....when they told me I just laughed and said it wasn't a nervous breakdown, it was his guilt. I told them I gave zero fucks about his mental health after the shit he put me through in the past year.

Your OH has done the same to you, giving no thought about his open flirting with this OW, causing anxiety and grief. And now they have crossed the line into a proper physical affair....please leave him as you deserve better than this.

I can't for the life of me figure out what possessed her to pursue him so aggressively

Oh cmon now, you don't seriously think that's how it happened, you must know it was the other way around?

*You left your marriage for this piece of shit sleaze ?

I expect he love/sex bombed her (and others too) just like he did to you. I am not sure why you are blaming women younger than yourself for falling for the exact same shit you did*

This

A bit of karma for what you did to your exH eh?

Women aren't aggressively pursuing this user and loser.That's all in his pea brain.

He is a drunk, a cheat, and i hope you aren't financing him too.

He has form for going after married women.

Cut your losses and leave this pathetic worm. Your DD is going to grow up thinking this how relationships are.

Definitely get some counselling.

So she hasn't been able to concieve with her own husband, which yours knew about...did they at least use protection or is she conveniently going to find herself pregnant from this affair?

OP I remember your previous thread. There's nothing here for you. It's only been a year and its ripping you apart.

Leave. Think about it all later. But just deal with the practicalities of how you aere leaving now.

Sorry to armchair psychologist here but is it possible you are assigning too much importance to this relationship because you dismantled your marriage for it?

Sorry but your poor kids having to put up with the messes you create.

This is the way he lives his life. He doesn’t care about relationships or the people in them. Even if he is with them. A life of shabby affairs, booze and debt.

But it’s time to stop trying to fix him or this. This is about you and what you do. You left a marriage which was presumably not good to get into a worse situation. That’s done. Move on.

Now is the time to get into a good situation. One that shows your children how adults should behave. This is your responsibility. These two adults are not your responsibility.

He can obviously talk the talk...... get rid!

I am another who can't believe you are considering sticking around. You should never have moved your children's lives to a new town so you could be with a man who has a drink problem, financial issues and is unable to stay faithful.

Leave this sack of shit, build a life based on what works best for your kids and you and then spend some hours in therapy working out why you have made choices which are so detrimental to your kids (and yourself).

It's really a lot more humiliating to stay.

So, you made a massive mistake in uprooting your dc and ending your marriage for this man.

Don't compound the error by staying for more shit to eat.

The thought of sleeping with a 26 year old man makes me want to vomit and I'm 9 years younger than your husband.

Call me a weirdo if you will but there's something about men who do this that gives me the shivers

Personally I think he was the one doing the pursuing...

Take it on the chin and move on before your self esteem is obliterated, as others have said is pride worth having a miserable life for?

Where have you gone, op ?

Unfortunately you will always remember. You will never truly move on because you will always be wondering what he's up to. He's broken the trust and proven what kind of person he is... You can stay for whatever reason you tell yourself but no one can give you the magic wand to move on from it because it won't happen completely.

You made a mistake. Be smart now. You don’t even live together. Tell this good-for-nothing that it’s over and move forward. You can. You owe it to yourself and your children to remove him from your lives.

Forbackwards, he is a bad man. He went to great lengths to publicly degrade you again and again, and continued behind your back. That kind of cruel person will not change. It is part of his character. No matter how he is spinning it, he enjoyed giving you an extra kick.

Don’t focus on the OW and her reasons. You did that before and it’s an irrelevant waste of energy. Don’t humiliate yourself and reward him by making comparisons and by doing the Pick Me Dance. Don’t torture yourself by ruminating on the sex details. Why focus your outrage on that when all of it was cheating, from the inappropriate contact in the pub, through all of the communicating and meeting, to the biking date.

Do focus on what really matters. He chose to cheat and rub your nose in it. You chose to minimize and underreact. You were playing a dangerous game trying to be the cool girlfriend. Has he suffered any consequences yet?

After all the intense adoration, they suddenly decided on their own that it was a mistake? I highly doubt that. I suspect that her husband laid down the law and made threats. (Did you ever compare notes with him?) Your partner slithered back to you with a sob story, but it is likely not the whole truth. I would assume that he and OW are lying low for a while and will resume shortly.

His sob story blames his betrayal on alcohol and on having “issues that make him miserable.” He also wants to protect her by blaming her collusion on her trouble conceiving. NO. His dispicable behavior is due to his being a selfish, entitled pig. He had an agenda to cheat with her from the beginning. He is manipulating you so that you will ‘rescue’ the poor diddums and be ‘understanding’ and ‘fix’ everything. Don’t fall for it. Remember, he successfully gaslighted you before.

He believes that he can treat you with contempt and you will take it because you gave up so much to be with him. You believe that, too. You’ve shown him that no matter what he does, you will still provide him with love, support, sex, food, and even the presence of your children.

Stop the train and get off, Forbackwards. Don’t continue down this road to ruin. Do not worry about saving face. You can make adjustments and thrive. Your children do not need to be exposed to this kind of unscrupulous person.

How did you find out about their affair OP? I really hope you don't forgive him - he's making a mockery of you.

You have found out what he is really like. Good.
Don't waste another minute on him.