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Original poster

Am I bu in relation to 13 yr old dd and step father?

65 replies

Bogger · 23/01/2019 11:29

DP and I have been together for 5 years. We have 2 young dc together.

Dd is now 13. She’s a pretty quiet and studious teen but has a feisty streak.

DP can be argumentative and confrontational and often when dd and he butt heads I sympathise with dd.

It doesn’t happen often that they fall out, probably once every few months.

He feels she’s rude to him. The first example was when he was telling her off and she stormed upstairs and called him a stupid man under her breath. I don’t recall what the row was about but she was told off and I told her she needed to apologise.

The second incident was when she poured herself some juice. DP said in rather a confrontational tone ‘make sure there’s enough for your brother’. Dd responded saying ‘there’s another bottle in the fridge mate ‘. DP was furious that she’d spoken to him like that. Personally I didn’t think it was a big deal.... Slightly cheeky but it wouldn’t have bothered me.

Second incident. Dd and I have gone to the shop. DP is doing dry January except at the weekends. He’d joked that I shouldn’t get wine. He was laughing. It was Thursday and his favourite wine was on offer so I got him a bottle. He was really annoyed. Dd piped up saying she thought he was ‘ungrateful’. Cue another two day row between DP and I about how my dd speaks to him...

What are your opinions? Am I being blind or is he overeaacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 11:31

this has become such an issue for him that I’m worried we may split over it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 11:34

Well she sounds like a typical cheeky teen, so some of it needs reigning in and correcting (mbit I'd say that if it was to you too.

Why was he mad you brought him wine?? And what was her tone? I think she's right!

Has this flared up just since he cut down on alcohol?

ree348 · 23/01/2019 11:38

He sounds like he's overreacting and she's a very normal teenager!

AutumnCrow · 23/01/2019 11:39

DP can be argumentative and confrontational

Yes, he is, isn't he?

Oddsocksforeveryone · 23/01/2019 11:39

A two day row because a 13 year old made a comment calling him ungrateful?
Teenagers (from my experience) can be a pain in the arse, testing boundaries etc.
If you feel your daughter has overstepped and needs to be more respectful then definitely have a conversation with her.
But if you don't then you need to listen to dp's point of view and decide if he is overreacting or not. If you think he is then I'm sure his behaviour is going to wear you down and potentially have an effect on dd.
If my DH maintained a 2 day row in that situation I would probably tell him to get a grip.
You need to have a discussion as to what exactly your DP expect from your daughter and whether you think it's reasonable or not.

Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 11:40

The was mad because he said he soecifically told me not to and that if it wa sin the house he’d drink it.

FWIW I feel he was being ‘ungrateful’. I didn’t tell dd off for calling him it. He has made a MASSIVE deal out of this and that i let her speak to him appalling etc. I honestly don’t see the problem...

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 23/01/2019 11:42

Well if anyone isn’t behaving the way they should it’s your DP.

Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 11:42

I’ve spoken to him about it calmly. He says I’ll never understand as I’m not a step parent and he’d never let his child talk to me like that. He says I let her talk to him like shit. These are the three examples he’s referring to. He says I just ‘can’t see it’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 11:44

I’ve also said to dd in private that DP can be rude and argumentative. He’s incredibly upset by this too, saying I’m bad mouthing him behind his back and talking to my teen dd as though she’s an adult and confiding in her.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 23/01/2019 11:51

He's got esteem problems.

Kelsoooo · 23/01/2019 11:54

Is she like it with other people?

Ribbonsonabox · 23/01/2019 11:55

Hes overreacting massively. Of course pull her up when she has been rude... but to be furious is completely over the top. Shes just being a normal teen. He sounds quite immature and insecure. She is a child not an adult who is deliberately undermining him. He actually sounds jealous... I really think he needs to get a grip.

vinegarqueen · 23/01/2019 11:56

Sounds like a 50/50 split. He's being silly about Dry January (drinking at weekends only isn't even dry), but she was being pretty rude calling him ”mate” in a goady way. IMO if you are taking her side in an argument then by all means say DP wasn't being fair etc in that instance, but to say he is always argumentative etc does undermine him and probably doesn't help her like him any better. However, he does need to be the bigger person and grin and bear it a bit with a hormonal teen in the house! Grin

Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 11:57

She’s never really in that position with anyone else. She’s never been so much as told off at school. She gets on well with all other adults. She can be cheeky/stoppy with me on occasion but very normal stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 11:59

His answer is always ‘well you just don’t see it, you’ll never know how difficult it is, I would never let my child speak to you like that’

OP posts:
BinaryStar · 23/01/2019 12:01

By the standards of teenagers this is very mild behaviour indeed. He needs to realign his expectations.

Ribbonsonabox · 23/01/2019 12:02

'my' child.... days it all really doesn't it.

Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 12:02

And then he’ll take the passive aggressive line ‘oh well I’ll just put up and shut up then. I just won’t say anything, that’s what you want isn’t it?’

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 23/01/2019 12:07

how much does he drink - dry January apart from weekends implies a lot

She is your daughter and he is not treating her well at all

Bluestitch · 23/01/2019 12:09

It sounds like he's always looking out for a chance to have a go at her. I'm not surprised she's snapping back. You, as an adult, describe him as argumentative and confrontational. Imagine how a child feels dealing with that.

Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 12:09

He’ll usually drink half a bottle a night (wine!) on the weekend and sometimes a large glass on a Thursday. Not an abnormal amount. He’s always been massively over sensitive and highly strung. There’s always some drama. He’s the king of it always being everybody else though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 12:11

And he would argue to the hilt that it’s all me/dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogger · 23/01/2019 12:11

He genuilny seems to believe he’s in the right.

OP posts:
Bluestitch · 23/01/2019 12:11

He’s always been massively over sensitive and highly strung. There’s always some drama

Then don't be surprised if you don't see your DD for dust once she hits 18. Poor kid having to navigate living with an unrelated, permanently angry man.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 23/01/2019 12:12

Sounds like you are dealing with 2 teenagers op.
Remind dh he is an adult and bickering with a teen is undermining his position, not you by defending dd.