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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I bu in relation to 13 yr old dd and step father?

65 replies

Bogger · 23/01/2019 11:29

DP and I have been together for 5 years. We have 2 young dc together.

Dd is now 13. She’s a pretty quiet and studious teen but has a feisty streak.

DP can be argumentative and confrontational and often when dd and he butt heads I sympathise with dd.

It doesn’t happen often that they fall out, probably once every few months.

He feels she’s rude to him. The first example was when he was telling her off and she stormed upstairs and called him a stupid man under her breath. I don’t recall what the row was about but she was told off and I told her she needed to apologise.

The second incident was when she poured herself some juice. DP said in rather a confrontational tone ‘make sure there’s enough for your brother’. Dd responded saying ‘there’s another bottle in the fridge mate ‘. DP was furious that she’d spoken to him like that. Personally I didn’t think it was a big deal.... Slightly cheeky but it wouldn’t have bothered me.

Second incident. Dd and I have gone to the shop. DP is doing dry January except at the weekends. He’d joked that I shouldn’t get wine. He was laughing. It was Thursday and his favourite wine was on offer so I got him a bottle. He was really annoyed. Dd piped up saying she thought he was ‘ungrateful’. Cue another two day row between DP and I about how my dd speaks to him...

What are your opinions? Am I being blind or is he overeaacting?

OP posts:

Bluestitch · 23/01/2019 12:13

Oh FGS this is also the man who physically hurt your son and called him a fairy? Why on earth are you subjecting your kids to this man?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 23/01/2019 12:13

Both are being silly.

Your DH is being a tad picky but your daughters cheeky comments and attitude need reigning in!

Original poster

Bogger · 23/01/2019 12:15

I’ve said this to him, that they are just bickering and he says therein lies the problem. It’s not ‘bickering’, he’s the adult and she being rude to him.

We went to therapy and hints improved in other areas. I even dragged him back to therapy 6 months ago after he felt out with dd (about the PlayStation!!). The therapist basically said what I’d said and he seemed to listen and take it on board now it’s all happening again!

OP posts:

Sproutingcorm · 23/01/2019 12:16

Yes your dd is being a bit rude sometimes but it sounds as though your dp is over-reacting and instead of being the adult, exercising self control, modelling restraint etc, he is upping the ante. With teens you sometimes have to bite your lip and jolly things along, and choose your battles, rather than exacerbate the situation. He hasn't had experience of teens before and it doesn't sound as though he is particularly respectable of your dd's place in the home!

Your dd perhaps shouldn't have commented on the wine, but she's entitled to her opinion, as she's a person not a robot (she may even have a point!). The oj situation was just petty - he could have asked her if there was enough left without being confrontational - there's absolutely no need for it.

So I don't think YABU at all. But the question is now how you deal with it from now on? Good luck op!

Original poster

Bogger · 23/01/2019 12:16

I’ve talked to him in the past about splitting up and he says I just use the threat to control him and that it’s ‘my way or the highway’.

OP posts:

AutumnCrow · 23/01/2019 12:25

I'd take the highway to get away from him, frankly.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/01/2019 12:27

It sounds like your daughter feels that he often picks on her and so she is not only reacting to that particular incident ie the juice one, but all the other stuff he has said to her before.

Step-parenting is so hard and nothing is black and white. It's hard for your husband because he feels unsupported and disrespected but then it's equally hard for your daughter who feels got at.

And the power is all unequal because you love your daughter and stick up for her but he is an adult so has more power in that way.

Do you think both of them would consider compromising ie your daughter tries to be more polite and your husband tries to be a lot kinder in the way he speaks to her?

EthelHornsby · 23/01/2019 12:28

I think this is more about stroppy teenagers than step parenting - he’s going to get a shock when his own children get to that age. My eldest daughter and her dad were like this when she was that age - neither would let the other have the last word!

lifebegins50 · 23/01/2019 12:31

He seems super sensitive to perceived slights..his ego is being bruised and that isn't healthy.

What are his parents like? This often stems from childhood. I can't help wonder if your dd was not the focus it might be you.

OrchidInTheSun · 23/01/2019 12:31

How weird. At Christmas your DD was 14, with 3 younger brothers, only one of whom is your partner's child.

Anyway, he sounds like an utter arse and you and your random children would be better off without this man baby in your home.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 23/01/2019 12:32

Yes, if I were your dd I wouldn't relish the thought that I would spend the next 5 years hearing snide remarks every time I got a drink in my own home, but if I retaliate and give as good as I get I'm a brat.

I do think you P has alcohol issues as well, even though he doesn't drink much being unable to give it up for a month and enraged if you bring alcohol into the house because he can't resist drinking it suggests he has problem with impulse control.

mayathebeealldaylong · 23/01/2019 12:38

Your DP is a child with no control. If you bring wine in he'll drink it?... why.
The juice comment - does he do that a lot? Because it sounds like bullying and read to me as make sure there's enough for my kids. And that's how teens think.
How is his tone when he tells her off? Why is she saying sorry when he doesn't seem to or have the ability to communicate with her when telling something is wrong . One rule for one and another because he's an adult.

Does he have the same reaction to his dc? I would be worried for the future and I'm wondering if he talks to you in such a tone or do you behaviour?
You can correct someone's behaviour without telling them off.

Musti · 23/01/2019 12:40

I also wouldn't have accepted my kids speaking rudely to me...until they became teenagers.

He sounds like a jerk and as bad as any teenager himself but it may be worth downloading some articles on how teenagers are - pressures they face, angst, hormones, physical development etc and also he should brace himself for the other 2 becoming teenagers lol

Quartz2208 · 23/01/2019 12:48

he isnt acting as adult though they are both acting as teenagers

Say there were siblings in the exchange:

DP said in rather a confrontational tone ‘make sure there’s enough for ME’. Dd responded saying ‘there’s another bottle in the fridge mate ‘.

it sounds like two bickering children
You cant act like a teenager and expect to be treated as an adult. She is responding to him in this way because that is how he is treating her

SteelRiver · 23/01/2019 12:50

It sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other, but also that your partner can't see this and won't accept he's partly responsible. Yes, your daughter is being rude and testing boundaries, but he's the 'parent' and should be mature enough to rise above it and calmly recognise when discipline is needed.

Can you both go on living this way?

Stilllearning01 · 23/01/2019 12:53

sounds like a pretty usual teenager - parent issue. my dd can be like that with her dad, but doesn't do it with me. i think he needs to realise it's not solely a sd thing and he has to learn to live with a teenager. get him a book on how to deal with teenagers. Teach her what is/isn't acceptable in the household.
it's only when you mention other things lateron, i think there is more going on between you 2 - you sound angry with him. dd might be reacting or abusing that situation. don't let teenage tantrums make it worse between you and work on it as a couple.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 23/01/2019 12:53

Your DP needs to grow up, your DD has the excuse of being 13, and quite funny to call him mate (she clearly thinks he's a dick!!!)

Sproutingcorm · 23/01/2019 12:54

What Musti said!

Tinty · 23/01/2019 13:04

He says I’ll never understand as I’m not a step parent and he’d never let his child talk to me like that. He says I let her talk to him like shit. These are the three examples he’s referring to. He says I just ‘can’t see it’.

Ah ha ha ha ha Lets see what happens when the two you have together are teenagers.

Your DD sounds like a nice normal rude, know it all, argumentative, teenager, you do need to ask her to speak nicely to DP though and others, a lot of teenagers can be very rude and carry on being rude if they are not told to speak politely, (my dd included).

Your DP needs to grow up and realise he is an adult, and let it all wash over him. And try to be nice to SDD especially when she is being really trying.

MrMeSeeks · 23/01/2019 13:05

Your dp doesn't sound great and neither does your dd.
I would not have gotten away with talking to my parents like that.
You slagging your dp off to your dd is hardly going to help matters either!

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 23/01/2019 13:10

In my experience of a man child the life of your dd and yourself won't improve until you throw him out..
The satisfaction I got was bloody immense. Try it op.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 13:10

The was mad because he said he soecifically told me not to and that if it wa sin the house he’d drink it
So you were disobedient and didn't obey his word and he's mad be a use he can't control himself around alcohol?

Sounds charming.

You've got two kids with him? What will he do when one of those is cheeky?

babba2014 · 23/01/2019 13:16

I don't know if the culture here is different and it's normal for teens to speak like that as that's what most replies are showing but honestly I'm born and bred in the UK but my parents aren't from the UK and we would never imagine talking like that to our elders whether step parent or not. Adults are always respected. He raised a good point about the apple juice and she could have nicely just said there's another bottle in the fridge without being sarcy.

The first example you gave, I can't really comment as I have no idea what he said but stupid man is unnecessary. However if he is rude constantly then resentment may be building up. Need more examples to really determine the answer here.

Sproutingcorm · 23/01/2019 13:21

babba though, it may have been a reasonable point about the juice, but the point was he was being unnecessarily confrontational about it. You can't expect teens to behave respectfully if parents don't model that first!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 13:27

babba I dint think that it's OK for teens to be gobby but that's a fairly standard developmental stage of them finding their voice and learning how to do it respectfully.

And unless DD was drinking several glasses perhaps DD was annoyed that she wasn't even allowed a drink in peace unless there was enough for his child too.

OP is there a history of him putting his children ahead of DD?

Oh FGS this is also the man who physically hurt your son and called him a fairy?!
He did what??

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