Am I bu in relation to 13 yr old dd and step father?

[Bogger]

DP and I have been together for 5 years. We have 2 young dc together.

Dd is now 13. She’s a pretty quiet and studious teen but has a feisty streak.

DP can be argumentative and confrontational and often when dd and he butt heads I sympathise with dd.

It doesn’t happen often that they fall out, probably once every few months.

He feels she’s rude to him. The first example was when he was telling her off and she stormed upstairs and called him a stupid man under her breath. I don’t recall what the row was about but she was told off and I told her she needed to apologise.

The second incident was when she poured herself some juice. DP said in rather a confrontational tone ‘make sure there’s enough for your brother’. Dd responded saying ‘there’s another bottle in the fridge mate ‘. DP was furious that she’d spoken to him like that. Personally I didn’t think it was a big deal.... Slightly cheeky but it wouldn’t have bothered me.

Second incident. Dd and I have gone to the shop. DP is doing dry January except at the weekends. He’d joked that I shouldn’t get wine. He was laughing. It was Thursday and his favourite wine was on offer so I got him a bottle. He was really annoyed. Dd piped up saying she thought he was ‘ungrateful’. Cue another two day row between DP and I about how my dd speaks to him...

What are your opinions? Am I being blind or is he overeaacting?

I think it's safe to say P and DD are not getting along. OP doesn't mention DD speaking to her like she speaks to P. On the surface, P is overreacting. But DD is being rude.

The symptoms (bad behaviour) are your clues to what the root of the problem is. The problem is the poor relationship between these two. Therapy has already been tried with some success. Perhaps try again?

I would also agree with PP in asking: what are P's parents like? And focus further thought about what P is like the rest of the time.

My view is different. Take the wine. He wasn't drinking and you bought it anyway. If you posted that you weren't having chocolate Monday to Friday and Dp bought you some when you said not to, you would be being told he was setting you up to fail. You would be told it was fine to not be happy about it and you were not being ungrateful.

Your dd waded into a discussion/argument between you 2. She didn't need to, she is a child and shouldn't be getting involved in your disagreements. There was no need for her to chip in.

Calling him stupid and snapping about the juice, is fairly normal teen behaviour. That doesn't mean it should be ignored or let go like you do. She doesn't have problems with other adults because she won't speak to them like that.

Yes he does sound like he is being sensitive. But I imagine you always siding with her, even when she calls him stupid and ignoring her rude behaviour is building up.

I have a 14 year old daughter. I know they are stroppy. But I would pull her up for these things. It's not ok behaviour and I bet you would pull her if she spoke to a teacher or reaktove this way.

Yeah I think he could chill out a bit. But I don't think he is entirely to blame either

He's being overly sensitive (about some things) BUT you should absolutely pull her up for being rude to him (calling him stupid is not on). She is a child and should respect her elders.

This is only going to get worse as she gets older so nip it in the bud now or be prepared to be a single mum to 3...

And I say all this as a step parent to an 18 year old, it's fucking hard work without being undermined by the bio-parent!

If he's rude first he can't expect her not to respond in kind. He's being an arse.

He’s always been massively over sensitive and highly strung. There’s always some drama

Why did you move this twazzock into your dd's life? You made a huge mistake.

I think your DD sounds very normal and definitely not like a bad term, a little stroppy yes but that’s all part and parcel of their development isn’t it.

A PP said You've got two kids with him? What will he do when one of those is cheeky? he will blame your DD for it, he’ll say her brothers saw her get away with it etc etc etc.

Also dry January but only on weekdays makes him sound like he’s a heavy drinker in the week, if he wasn’t then there’d be no point being dry mon-fri.

*teen not term 🙄

Dry January except the weekends??? Now I have heard it all. Your DP obviously has a drinking problem, because MOST people only drink on the weekends. I drink and have had a dry January so far - not because I intended it but because I can take or leave alcohol.

My DH - no way could he have a dry January and he'd be unpleasant if he tried. He's a drinker, he likes it and does have a few beers most nights. Rarely gets drunk. I think he drinks too much.

Your DP doesn't like your DD does he? Asking her to leave some juice for her brother is awful. Does he do that to the younger kids? What if there was only one glass left in the box/bottle?

I think your DD sounds normal, your DP sounds horrible and you risk your relationship with your DD having this man around. He needs to grow up and learn not to bite.

He sounds like an ass and your DD sounds like a normal teenager. I'd have a conversation with her first about how she feels dealing with his crap on a daily basis rather than pandering to him. Your children are priority, not his precious feelings!

These oversensitive teenage adults really up the anti when the dc in the house become teens. They can't cope with the change in the dynamics. Your teen may be a bit out of order but in those situations we, as parents can,t stoop to their level. Dealing with teens takes a level of maturity this guy doesn't have. I can see years of trouble ahead as she asserts her independence more. Having no bond with your dd won't help as often the only thing keeping us calm with our teens is the massive bond between us since childhood.
I don't envy you the yearsahead and as already said your dd will be out of there as soon as she possibly can.

He’s right, you are trying to change him. This is who hè is, why can’t you accept it? If you did, you could decide if his presence is worth the dark atmosphere and eggshell walking.

His personality isn’t a match for your home. but you’ve chosen hand wringing and this awkward and unsuccessful referee position to counter it.

What was the reason behind your decision to tell your DD that your partner is argumentative and combative? Was it to get her to modify her behaviour in a ‘you know what he’s like’ cop out or were you acknowledging a negative personality trait that you refuse deal with.

What you’ve been trying hasn’t worked and you can’t keep trying to ‘fix’ him.

I agree with DP that she is rude to him sometimes, from what you've said, and it's fair enough that she's pulled up on that. But really none of this stuff sounds like a big deal. Call her out when she's out of line and then just get over it and move on. DP is overeacting here.

The situation with the juice reminds me so much of my entire childhood with my misery of a stepfather.
I bet your H would only be happy if your DD never expressed a single opinion of her own and only used resources once he was satisfied his children had been given first dibs. But he would never say that of course, just make sure she felt it every day of her life.

He sounds like a
complete jerk

I would ask him if he's modelling the behaviour that he wants to see from DD. If he's petty, picky, argumentative, rude etc, is he expecting DD to have magically learnt another way of dealing with confrontation. In our house arugememts about food and drink are an absolute no around DSS because with teenagers it's a great way to make them really self conscious about food and develop later issues.

Also I'm a step parent and it doesn't give me a licence to treat DSS as a second class citizen.