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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What does he really mean?

75 replies

dejavu2014 · 21/01/2019 19:16

This guy is an ex from 5 years ago he moved to another country and recently came back. He was with someone in the other country for 4 years. Came back to England and then got into seeing someone really quick and said it messed him up and he was lonely and had some depression from trying to readjust and sort his life out. The day he ended things with her he messaged me. He said he wanted to for ages but thought it was inappropriate to when seeing someone else. Anyway we went on a date and it went great, it was like he had never left. We saw each other again Friday night and Saturday night. All was fine. He mentioned being a bit messed up from exes and so I thought I'd ask him where his head was at now.
He said he doesn't know what he wants but knows he doesn't want a relationship any time soon. He said with his exes he always put them first and now he is trying to put himself first and sort his life out. I said I was confused because then why did he message me? He said he wanted to catch up and see how I was but when he saw me all feelings came back. So now I'm very confused. He also said he isn't sleeping with no one else or speaking to no one else. Has no interest in going out to find someone. But I don't know what to do. We agreed to carry on as we are and go with the flow and see what happens. But I don't want to be left with him saying well I told you I didn't want anything and me heartbroken.

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 21/01/2019 19:23

He would like no strings attached sex. Fairly clear on that one.

dejavu2014 · 21/01/2019 19:25

But if that's the case why is he still messaging me all the time. He isn't speaking about sex with me.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 21/01/2019 19:26

I don’t think he’s ready for a relationship. He needs to,sort him self out and settle down first.

Why was he an ex? It seems a bit quick,to message younsomsoon after breaking up,with the other person, both here and abroad. Rebound?

Petalflowers · 21/01/2019 19:27

Maybe he is messaging you because he knows you and feels safe with you. He’s new back,into the country, and so probably doesn’t,know that many people anymore.

NameChangeNugget · 21/01/2019 19:28

He wants all the good bits, sex etc without having to have the monotony & perceived commitment of a relationship.

He sounds like he’s talking utter shit

dejavu2014 · 21/01/2019 19:28

I said to him are you here because you're lonely and he said no I like my own company. The thing that confuses me the most is our conversation after. He really opened up to me, saying he went for therapy with his ex because she felt he needed it but he felt he didn't. Opened up saying about his emotions and stuff with me. He said he hasn't felt right since being back but being in my company has made him feel more himself

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 21/01/2019 19:29

I agree , a FWB deal is what he is after, you deserve better, you're nobody's bandaid lovely Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 21/01/2019 19:30

Familiarity is a powerful emotion, but it doesn't fix his issues.

dejavu2014 · 21/01/2019 19:32

We were never ever this close when we were together. And that was only for 2 months. I've found out more about him in 2 weeks than 2 months. I do feel he honestly doesn't know what he wants. I just feel sad because we do get on so well.

OP posts:
Equalityumber · 21/01/2019 19:34

It sounds like you’re hoping he’ll change his mind the more time he spends with you. I think you’re better off staying away from this guy as he’s been clear about his intentions.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/01/2019 19:35

Are you sure he's not using you as an emotional crutch, a comforting soul, a shoulder to lean on, the confiding in you sounds like therapy yes ?

AfterSchoolWorry · 21/01/2019 19:37

He wants sex and free counseling.

dejavu2014 · 21/01/2019 19:37

bumble yea I did think that. Maybe he feels he can confide in me because I'm familar.
Yea I guess I am hoping he changes his mind. I was madly in love with him 5 years ago and have thought about him often over the years.

OP posts:
dejavu2014 · 21/01/2019 19:43

I'm an idiot aren't I 😢

OP posts:
Nettletheelf · 21/01/2019 19:46

Not an idiot, but maybe a bit too accepting of selfish behaviour. As an earlier poster said: don’t be his band aid.

OopsInamechangedagain · 21/01/2019 19:53

You can't be friends/FWB with someone you have feelings for without getting hurt. And as for him opening up to you, you may feel like you've found out more about him in 2 weeks than 2 months but you still have no idea what else he's not told you (not that he's obliged to tell you anything of course) - you're thinking you're finally getting to know the whole person but in reality he might still have only revealed say 10% of his thoughts and feelings. Tell him to look you up if/when he's ready for a proper relationship.

BumbleBeee69 · 21/01/2019 19:57

No lovely you're not an idiot, you've picked up that things need to be clear in your own head.

He's thinking only of himself, he's told you as much. You need to prioritise You now. Maybe try not being so readily available for him, not be on hand at the his convenience etc. Flowers

AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/01/2019 19:58

You're not his therapist. He needs to help himself rather than run to women to sort his life out - which invariably and inevitably fails.

mrbob · 21/01/2019 20:00

He is saying EXACTLY what he needs to say to get you to continue to sleep with him. Treading that fine line...

Aussiebean · 21/01/2019 20:02

Take sex off the table and see how long he sticks around.

Butterymuffin · 21/01/2019 20:03

You don't have to fix his life for him. He has a therapist. You don't have to be one. Cut down drastically on how much time you spend messaging him or replying.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 21/01/2019 20:05

I think he is confused and has come back to you because you are familiar and safe. I think if I were you I'd be upfront and say you have feelings but you are taking a step back so he can sort his head out. Let him come to you and if he doesn't he wasn't worth it

Dunin · 21/01/2019 20:15

I agree with one of the posters above. Tell him no sex until things are clearer about what he wants. You’re happy to be friends for now. Then see what his response is. That will tell you a lot.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2019 20:18

You are the safe cushion

He'll drop you like a hot brick when someone else comes along

Dickensnovel · 21/01/2019 20:18

I think NK1cf has hit it exactly. I can see why you are interested, but try to step back and see what happens.

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