What does he really mean?

[dejavu2014]

This guy is an ex from 5 years ago he moved to another country and recently came back. He was with someone in the other country for 4 years. Came back to England and then got into seeing someone really quick and said it messed him up and he was lonely and had some depression from trying to readjust and sort his life out. The day he ended things with her he messaged me. He said he wanted to for ages but thought it was inappropriate to when seeing someone else. Anyway we went on a date and it went great, it was like he had never left. We saw each other again Friday night and Saturday night. All was fine. He mentioned being a bit messed up from exes and so I thought I'd ask him where his head was at now.
He said he doesn't know what he wants but knows he doesn't want a relationship any time soon. He said with his exes he always put them first and now he is trying to put himself first and sort his life out. I said I was confused because then why did he message me? He said he wanted to catch up and see how I was but when he saw me all feelings came back. So now I'm very confused. He also said he isn't sleeping with no one else or speaking to no one else. Has no interest in going out to find someone. But I don't know what to do. We agreed to carry on as we are and go with the flow and see what happens. But I don't want to be left with him saying well I told you I didn't want anything and me heartbroken.

Someone from my past came back into my life a few years ago. Told me he couldn’t be in a relationship due to being too busy with starting his business and not having his life straight.

Treated me like a gf, rang me daily, would tell me he missed me, was keen to meet my family and offered for me to meet his. Always wanted to spend time with me, was affectionate, wasn’t seeing anyone else and didn’t want me to see anyone else.

When after 6 months i wanted to be official he told me he had told me he still couldn’t be in a relationship. Admitted he didn’t love me but that he was very attracted to me and found it hard to stay away. Looked tortured that it had to end there and was saying stuff like “maybe contact me in the future!?”. Told me that he felt he couldn’t be totally himself with anyone in the way he could with me. Told me he wanted to still see me as a friend and even weeks after this was messaging me and being flirty, telling me he missed me.

I had to put a stop to all contact or I wouldn’t be able to move on. I found out a few months later that he had met up with someone we were at school with and was now in a relationship with her. So basically despite all of his bullshit, he was just out for what he could get from me. The gf experience without having to commit.

From this I learnt, when someone tells you they don’t want a relationship, listen. Sadly this wasn’t even the first time this has happened to me. It’s something most of us experience at some point.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is put a stop to it now and focus on finding someone who would never risk messing you around.

From reading your posts, you have had sex with him already so I think it may be too late to take sex out the equation ?
I would say I'm not ready for a relationship so I think he is genuine there and I wouldn't say he just wants sex as it's seems like is more than that with you
Sadly I don't think you are on the same page emotionally
X

Allow me to translate....

*Clears throat.

"I want no strings sex and an FOC counsellor...I am aware of your feelings towards me so I'll use that to get my way, and see if I can pull it off. I'll keep stringing you along for as long as possible and drop you like a hot potato when I see a bigger, better deal"

Don't let this this fucker pull the little boy lost routine on you, If he wants counselling instruct him to see a GP.

I would advise you to stop sleeping with him...This is going to end in tears, more specifically your tears.

I hope you've been using protection because this has disaster written allover it.

PerfectionistProcrastinator

Im so sorry, that was horribly cruel.

Yeah, he wants all the perks of a girlfriend - sex, companionship, emotional support and someone he can "open up to" (ie talk about his problems and have a woman help him emotionally process them) fun, caring, affection - but he also wants to not have to think about you and your needs. So he will do all the fun bits for as long as it suits him, but always with the get out clause of "I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship" whenever he thinks you are asking for anything from him.

I had exactly the same situation as @PerfectionistProcrastinator and it's such a common one. So many guys want to use you for the girlfriend benefits, and when we're naive to it we think that them chatting to us every day and confiding in us etc. All the "I've never had this with anyone" chat - it's all to keep us around, and unfortunately us women tend to lap it up.

So he's been away 5 years - in that time he dated another girl for 4 of those years...he then moved back home a year ago and immediately dated someone else (and that's what he's telling you, could have been many.) So now he's all messed up from going from one relationship to the next without giving himself any time to be alone and process what he wants...so what does he do? He maybe struggles with online dating or with finding new people as he's been away so long, so he gets nostalgic and thinks about people from his past who may be open to meeting with him.

I'm sure you aren't the only one he hit up, but even if you are, he has told you he is not going to get into a relationship with you. Now walking away from this is the hardest thing you can ever do, trust me, but continuing to be used by someone like this is the biggest regret I have ever had in my life. I don't really regret it as I've learnt so much, but it's soooo hurtful to be used when you have feelings.

Like others have said, stop with the sex. If he wants a friend, be a friend. If he wants a girlfriend, get him to be your boyfriend first.

Drop him. Selfish arsehole.

He said to me even if nothing becomes of us I want you in my life. But now I'm thinking why do you need me in your life if we aren't to have a relationship. He also said I don't have any close girl friends in my life and I joked and said can you not say I'm a friend because it seems we are a bit more than that. And he said yea we are more than that. I did also say to him I think it's unfair he shouldn't have had sex with me if he wasn't sure what he wanted.

Well ok, you have already slept with him, so yes, he's been very clear, he wants friends with benefits. I don't think he lied to you did he? He was sure he wanted to sex, he just doesn't wish you to be his girlfriend. He was fairly clear from the start.

I experienced something similar and also reacted like you.

My advice is to get out before it ends in tears. You have feelings and are hoping it's more than it is.

He will treat you like a girlfriend and one day meet someone else and just drop you.

Not being ready for a relationship may be true but it often just means that he doesn't want a relationship with you... especially not whilst he can get everything he wants from you.

He will tell you all sorts but if he actually meant those things he would get you in a relationship to make sure he does not lose such a wonderful woman to anyone else.

Despite that advice.... if your situation does go how mine did you will ignore it so if you choose that route.... just enjoy it whilst it lasts x

bluntness I'm not blaming him no because he has been honest when I asked him outright. I guess inside I just want him to realise he wants to be with me. But as a few PP have been in this situation that doesn't happen and I also did feel a bit of a stop gap until someone better comes along who he wants to be with.
I can't get my head around why I'm not good enough for him to be in a relationship. What is different with me to these other women he wanted to be with and to put them first before him

I think it's unfair he shouldn't have had sex with me if he wasn't sure what he wanted

But he told you he wasn’t sure what he wanted before you had sex, and you went ahead knowing that. So if anyone’s being unfair, you are. Unfair on yourself, if you don’t want to be messed around.

He sounds sooo feckin angst ridden, full of cheesy patter and its clear as day he is lining you up as a booty call. Unfortunately you are tying yourself in knots already and full of excuses for him so I don't think you are going to take any of the advice from pp, until you are head over heels and full of his bullshit. Good luck,op

polka we spoke about this after we had sex. After our chat he hugged me and said you're amazing do you know that. Now I just think we're you being patronising!
Before we had sex he was saying how he had missed me and things had not changed between us. Blah blah

Honestly, he's just wanting friends with benefits, he just wanted sex. I'm guessing the ex binned him, so he needed the confidence boost. Irrelevant of what he told you.

Tell him you don't want a casual sexual relationship and to call you if he wants something more.

How old are you, OP?
If you are on a tight schedule and need a proposal/baby this year - then, sure, move on.

But otherwise - take a breath. You only dated him for 2 years a long time ago.
This - now - is a whole new relationship. If you met a stranger with baggage - of a recent 4y-relationship - would you be expecting him to want to be in oke with you after a few dates?
Just because you had thoughts about him in the past several years - doesn’t mean he did - about you.
He knows you a little, but doesn’t really know you.
And same for you. You only have your imaginary image of him.

So - like in any new relationship - there are risks that it might not turn out how you want it. And like any relationship - rushing anything is contra-productive.

Seriously OP, the more you update, the more full of shit he sounds

Also, it would be healthier to yourself if you stopped looking like sex as being a relationship transaction. Hopefully you enjoyed it and you both wanted to do it, he has had a talk about what where his head is right now, it's not really deceptive.

I'm late 20s and have a child already. So I'm in no rush for anything. Yea I did say because we already know each other we are familiar and this is why we have slipped into being so comfortable. I said if this was a stranger it wouldn't be like this

Your name “Dejavu2014” - it’s all the same as it was 5 years ago with him isn’t it? How did that pan out?

Yes another I feel like it is becoming like de ja vu. We were together 2 months, it was very intense. We both had issues back then. I've sorted my life out now and he has sorted out those issues and grown up more now. However back then he got posted abroad for work and he finished with me while out there. A few days later he was posting pics of himself and this new girl who he spent 4 years with and moved to that country to be with her.

It sounds to me that you had some intense short term feelings back then. And then he became ‘the one that got away’ - and you fantasised about him.
And now that he is back - you want this fantasy validated, and become a reality.
But it isn’t.

5 years ago you both were different people. In early 20s... Life pulled you in different directions.

This - is a new relationship. Familiarity is superficial. You said it yourself - you learned more about him in these two weeks then back then in 2 months.

This only has a chance to develop into something - if you stop referring to the past and comparing yourself to his ex Gf. And wanting him to prove to you that you are the One, somehow.

Any person who just got out of a long term relationship will want to take things slowly. And let things develop at a natural speed.
Doesn’t make him evil, or a user of women. Just makes him honest and in touch with his emotions.

If you are saying you aren’t on a deadline - lay off of ‘relationship’ talk. It’s been two weeks.

He hasn't changed.

Have you?

I can't get my head around why I'm not good enough for him to be in a relationship

Oh god, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Why is this guy such a prize that you are immediately comparing yourself to these "other women" and competing with them to be "good enough" to get a relationship?

It's pointless and destructive and only happening in your head. A very wise friend once said to me "rejection is always far less about you than you want to believe" and she was 100% right.

It seems counter intuitive, but we actually prefer to think that any rejection must be because of something WE'VE done - because that way, we can do something to turn that rejection around. When actually, rejection is usually all about stuff that the other person has going on.

Stop stewing about how happy he was with these other women and deciding that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend because you are somehow not good enough. You are plenty good enough. It just sounds like he isn't the right guy at the right time FOR YOU.

Oh, dear. He had an itch that needed to be scratched, plus an ego boost.

It wasn't that you weren't good enough for him. He wasn't good enough for you then - or now.