What does he really mean?

[dejavu2014]

This guy is an ex from 5 years ago he moved to another country and recently came back. He was with someone in the other country for 4 years. Came back to England and then got into seeing someone really quick and said it messed him up and he was lonely and had some depression from trying to readjust and sort his life out. The day he ended things with her he messaged me. He said he wanted to for ages but thought it was inappropriate to when seeing someone else. Anyway we went on a date and it went great, it was like he had never left. We saw each other again Friday night and Saturday night. All was fine. He mentioned being a bit messed up from exes and so I thought I'd ask him where his head was at now.
He said he doesn't know what he wants but knows he doesn't want a relationship any time soon. He said with his exes he always put them first and now he is trying to put himself first and sort his life out. I said I was confused because then why did he message me? He said he wanted to catch up and see how I was but when he saw me all feelings came back. So now I'm very confused. He also said he isn't sleeping with no one else or speaking to no one else. Has no interest in going out to find someone. But I don't know what to do. We agreed to carry on as we are and go with the flow and see what happens. But I don't want to be left with him saying well I told you I didn't want anything and me heartbroken.

:( I was going to write this on here the other day but i weren't ready to hear the responses because I knew what every one was going to say. I know deep down just hard when you think alot of someone

I don’t know why everyone is making it that he is some sort of a bad man for not wanting to propose to you after 2 weeks of dating.

You created something in your head about him being special somehow.
Maybe he is, maybe not.
He didn’t spend 5 years dreaming about you. You were someone he knew way back.

Now you’ve reconnected. And it seemed nice and fun.
Why NOT let it just go on, to see what happens.
Like in any other relationship???

josuk I've never said he was bad. I just wanted opinions on what people thought. I've always said to him I like his honesty. He has always been honest regardless if I want to hear it or not. At the end of the convo I said to him right let's not talk about it any more and see what happens. He agreed and said yes

OP - I was referring to the multiple posters who were quick to call him all kinds of things - including using your for sex and emotional crutch...

While if a woman were to come here sayjng - just got out of a longish relationship; not yet ready for a new one; guy i started dating is pushing me to decide if I want to be all in with him...
The reaction would have been different. No?

He knew exactly what he wanted when he got in contact: sex, attention, free therapy. That’s what he wants. He’ll jerk you around and play with your feelings for as long as he wants those things: then he’ll move on.

He doesn’t want a relationship OP.

It was not a nice experience and much like op I spent months afterwards crying over him, wondering why her and not me and wondering how he could do that to me. But also...he did tell me he didn’t want a relationship. And I thought, he seems so into me...that will change. So I equally blame myself for not listening.

On the upside after about 6 months of still getting upset about him I had a word with myself to accept that it was never meant to be. I then met my now Fiancé who makes me a thousand times happier.

Tell him you don't want a casual sexual relationship and to call you if he wants something more.*

This with bells on.
I can never understand men who do this but, I New someone who 'strung' women along. Anything from 6 months to over a year!!
Then met the one and proposed 3 months in.
Bin him.
Do not be anyone's back up plan.

Make room in your life for the right one.

Most of yesterday and last night he was not his usual jokey self with me. Seems irritated and not happy. Btw I'm not saying this was to do with me. I asked him and he just said he feels exhausted and wants to live on his own and has had no me time that day. I think I'm beginning to see the real troubled him. I don't think he is as happy as he made out to me. And I also don't think I can put myself through the mental and emotional fight. These are his problems not mine. I've fought hard to be where I am now

you were with him for 2 months 5 years ago and when he went abroad he was with another girl after 3 days, it means he didnt have feelings for you. he was with her for 4 years and then he was with another and then back with you.
he seems he cant be alone and troubled.
its likely that he will find another girl again.
cut your losses and make yourself available for a man who will make you happy, not worry.

I guess inside I just want him to realise he wants to be with me.

Yea he is troubled. He finally showed it this morning. Said he is going to take a day off work because he's feeling so low. I can't fix that, I cant put myself through that

I always find these guys who "aren't ready for a relationship" will use you for sex and all the other benefits they can get... but then as soon as a better prospect comes along, they're suddenly ready!

You want more than he does so call it off before you get hurt. A casual relationship only works if both people are on the same page.

Yea I just feel sorry for him. I shouldn't because I know he is using me to make himself feel better. I've had depression, I attached myself to someone. I know it's tough. sigh

I told him tonight I couldn't do it anymore. Said we want different things. He is a broken person. It hurts badly but I need to think about me

It seems like a lot of drama. And possibly mismatched expectations.
You may have had some expectations from the past and they didn’t turn out to be true.
So - it’s partially on you?

I hope you will give a next guy a chance - and linger than 2 weeks and one bad day....

I also had a bad day today and blew off things I should have done. It happens.
Don’t be so quick to judge a person. He may or may not be a broken person.
Two weeks isn’t enough to tell.

mom I know he is. He isn't the person he used to be. I can't let someone in my life who is confused about what they want. I can't sit and wait for him to finally want a relationship with me

This is ridiculous. You barely know him and are all tied up in knots about him.

Why do you need him to realise he wants to be with you? You are giving him control of how you see yourself.

Set your boundaries. Agree to meet him with a few days notice when he asks so he knows you're busy (and be busy).

Stop letting him overshare, just change the subject. You think its a sign you're getting close but in fact hes offloading.

Stop sleeping with him as it's not a casual relationship you're after.

In short, date him, get to know him and see is he worth the bother. You are attaching way too much importance to him. Instead of worrying what he thinks about you, concentrate on getting to know him slowly over time.

Dejavu, ask yourself what you want. Get clear on what type of man you want, single, available, ready for a long term committed loving relationship, respectful, emotionally healthy, working etc. Once you have done that, take a long look at this man and see if what he is offering meets your needs. This is your life, love yourself and move toward what meets your needs not the other way around.

He seems like a flake that just drifts in the wind at random. He says what you want to hear to get what he wants.
He likes having a captive audience to talk about his favourite subject...him!

I wouldn't waste another thought over this loser.

sky all them qualities you listed is what I'm looking for. He def isn't emotionally healthy or doesn't want a relationship anytime soon.
I think he just wanted sex and me being stupid offered it quickly. I should have waited and made him work for it.

Oh god... Is what I say whenever I see this sort of - ‘I offered sex too early, should have made him work for it...’

Sex isn’t a transaction. One doesn’t offer it to the other.
Waiting longer or shorter doesn’t make a difference on anyone wanting a relationship or not.

What specifically did you want him to do - when he’d be ‘working for it’?
Dinners? Presents? Poetry?

If you want to have a relationship - meet someone and spend time getting to know them. Have sex when you feel you want it.
Just don’t think of men owning you a commitment once they have had sex.
Sex isn’t a payment for going steady.

Dejavu,

Don't beat yourself up about it, we've all been there. Chalk it up to experience, learn the lesson and move forward. Tell yourself your a beautiful, amazing, intelligent and unique woman who only deserves the very best. My favourite quote is 'When they tell you who they are, believe them!

Men love a chase, so yes do keep them waiting, I firmly believe that - be sure he's worthy of you. I personally think there's too much bed hopping going on too soon, but disclaimer I am old fashioned.

I'm sorry you went through this, it's not nice. Keep your chin up lady, love yourself first and the cream of the crop will flock to you.

He said he doesn't know what he wants but knows he doesn't want a relationship any time soon

Translation: I might want to shag you, because you're convenient and you make me feel good about myself. If you're not too demanding I might shag you again. I might keep calling you as long as nothing better comes along but don't ask anything of me.

sky thank you. I also love that quote. It is normally is true. I know I'm getting stronger because I would have usually have clung on to him but I'm strong enough to realise I deserve better. I've done alot of work on myself this year and he isn't going to tear that down.
ki yes that's it I feel. I felt like if his friends were available then he would go with them than me. But because they are all settled now his network are gone since he returned home.