End of the line... need support

[Freshsheets9]

So... I think this is the end of the line for my 4 year relationship. I feel like the last few months I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, making excuses for DPs behaviour. But this weekend has been the final straw.

I’m annoyed though, because I just want respect and communication.

He left yesterday evening to go and see one of his friends. I asked him if he was home for tea? He said Yes, why wouldn’t I be.

I haven’t seen or heard from him since, and have been blocked on every platform of social media and communication method. Why???

All his belongings are here? We have no DC but have twin DSD who are 4 and stay 50:50. All their belongings are also here?

So why has my DP gone NC? He has been online on WhatsApp not that long ago, so I know he’s alive, plus chatting on Facebook to his friends.

Why would someone do this? To someone they are meant to love and care about?

(Insert emotional wreck emoji)

Why would he do it? Because he's a selfish, immature character who has the hump about something and hasn't the balls to address it directly. Plenty of those around, and you're better off without him, as you have now realised. Instead of using this time tracking what he's been doing online (maybe he's doing it to annoy you, or prevent you from seeing who he's interacting with, or where he is and what he's doing) start throwing his stuff in bin bags.

Oh for god's sake what a prick this man is being.

I couldn't trust someone who could do this. I hate to say it but I would put money on him having someone else. What a mess he's making of his children's lives, never mind yours.

It's because he can and because he is very selfish.

Did you get together when his dc's were tiny?

Is it your house? I would end the relationship for this, its completely disrespectful and if you tolerate it he will walk further over you. You deserve better.

I know it's harsh but you don't need to feel guilty to his dc's, he has caused this.

@lifebegins50 we’ve been together 4years next month (traditional Valentine’s Day anniversary ) and the twins are 5 next month too. I didn’t meet them for over a year.

Yes it’s my house. But it’s our home.

I think I’ve done every avenue of emotion in the last 24hours, I feel mentally and physically drained.

I’ve probably not help the situation; as yes I’ve montiored his social media actions today, to try and build a picture of what is going on.

I’ve got suspicions of another woman. As I received a suspicious phone call earlier in the week, following another one of his magic disappearing acts.

I think I’m just hurt, that I thought any decent human would communicate and give a reason. Even if that reasons was a pile of sh*t! But just to vanish and leave everything?

I’ve cried today, I packed some of his and DSD clothes / toys and went to look for him to drop them off? Then went to MIL but she wasn’t there. I didn’t have the heart to leave them outside in the rain.

Think I need a locksmith tomorrow!

A locksmith sounds like an entirely splendid plan. Fighting back is so much better than sitting around wondering what this particular selfish individual is doing/thinking and why. Go for it OP!

That's shit OP

I second (third?) the use of a locksmith.

I’m meant to be working tomorrow. But am so anixious about going. I think if he’s going to be the selfish, ignorant prick he’s been for the last 24hours. He is probably going to use this opportunity to come home to get his things and DSDs.

He is self employed, all his tools and work equipment, work clothes and gear are here. So I don’t know what he will do in the morning!

So i think I’m going to have to have a 24hours bug, then get the locks changed, so I can return to work Tuesday without being so anxious.

Am I wrong to want to confront him on the matter? And not just let him disappear?

What a complete arsehole!
100% make this the last nail in the coffin. I don't understand how someone can do this to their partner.

Leave his stuff at MIL's (even if it is in the rain), change the locks and keep your head held high xxx

No you're not wrong to want a confrontation. You deserve an explanation!

@Mrsmummy90 I would quite happily leave his belonging. Accounts for his work etc in the rain.

I just don’t want to leave the DSDs things out. Their favourite Teddy’s, books, toys, would just get ruined.

MIL has just text she can’t get hold of him, but is away for a week from tomorrow am. So can’t even leave the stuff there! I’m due to collect DSDs up on Wednesday after school for the week. They have the dentist that evening to have some teeth extracted!

FML he is a selfish arsehole! That clearly hasn’t thought any of this through!

(Queue transition to anger mode)

Of course you should confront him OP. He's being a coward and you deserve answers so you can have closure. He may well lie though and blame you, be prepared and keep your counsel - don't carry his guilt. Good luck

@romanticFatigue

I’m fully prepared for all this to be blamed on me.

In the past (this isn’t his first disappearing act, he’s off on the next BGT if he carries on), he said he’s felt that he couldn’t come home because of me;

Eg. I’ve said in anger text mode! “Don’t bother coming home” but in the next message I’ve taken it back. But he’s taken the first account, and said well you said don’t bother. This account was in fact CHRISTMAS EVE!

Or it’s got late, so he’s said well I don’t want to wake you up. Or make you think someone is a burglar.

Or I thought you would just be mad, thought I would leave you to calm down, or I couldn’t be arsed with the argument.

I have said today, if you don’t get in contact I’m guessing it’s all over and I should just pack your things? No reply ( but I have reason to believe he didn’t have his phone during this period) and then a few hours later, lots of tears, I’ve told him the things are packed and that’s it. So he might just be staying away, and will say “well you ended it” (which technically I did because I can’t put up with this shit anymore)

Can you give his daughters things to their mum?

Great idea to stay home tomorrow and get the locks changed. Why are you still considering picking up his daughters from school and taking care of them for him ? Contact him and their mother and tell them they need to sort out their childcare !

One of the problems that I (he) faces is that he’s is NC with the DSD mother. Due to past circumstances (no DV or EA) all communication has to go through me, or a solicitor.

I have bare minimum contact with EX. All collections are done Wednesday - Wednesday so their is no communication between us during term time, as it’s school pick up and drop offs. During non term time, it’s usually her DP who meets me at a point. Which is all prearranged.

I also wouldn’t want to give DSD to their mum, as we have strict this house and that house rules. We have found previously that new trainers (brand like Nike or something) or next boots, will be sold on Facebook. So she can have the money. So I especially wouldn’t trust EX with their tablets, toys, shoes, coats etc.

@4seasons I would contact him but he has blocked me on all platforms this evening. Facebook, WhatsApp, calls, texts. I can’t email him, as I manage his emails, so would just be emailing myself

@Mrsmummy90 it’s all done through a notebook, which stays in their school book bag. So things like medication, dentist appointments, etc are all just noted down.

Leave everything at his mum's house and get the locks changed. Frankly you should have seen the red flags when you learned he wasn't allowed contact with his ex.

@Hollowtalk
I would love to leave the things there, but she is off to the canary’s tomorrow on a early morning flight. So I don’t have access to her house.

The NC with the EX only happened last summer. She moved away, and we wasn’t happy. EX eldest DC stayed with his F (not my DP) and is no NC with his mum. We still see her DS, as we like maintain contact for the siblings, but EX disagreed and said that my DP was being unreasonable and went NC on him. They agreed at mediation that all contact is through me, and it’s was signed off. They’ve had NC since. So I don’t think it was a red flag as such, as I respect the reason why their relationship broke down, and admire him for the decision he took for the DSD.

Ask the school to put a note in their bag saying you're not picking them up this week so, unless she hears from idiot-bonce, she'll need to make other arrangements.

Apart from the fact he is treating you like shit, it sounds a complicated set up. I think you’re well out of it.

You've been used by him. Locks changed. End of.

I’m going to ring a local locksmith at 9 when they open.
Hate the fact I’ve let my employer down, this isn’t the first time in the last few months I’ve had to call in sick. I’m so tired though from no sleep, I don’t think I could physically / mentally do my job anyways.

Calling school is a good idea?
Any other suggestions on how I can get my ducks in a row? We’ve no joint accounts, but do run a small part time business together, which I need to sort this weeks bookings out for?

Wow,he has quite a backstory and plays the victim well.

You haven't caused him to not contact you,he is just using excuses. He knows he will get away with bad behaviour because there have been no sanctions.

However he is a fool to treat you so badly.

His mother can take over the children and as he is self employed he will just have to work around the children.It's all doable.

I think you have got into the habit of being the fixer. It feels positive to help BUT you are not getting any respect for your efforts and it will get worse.

Don't be doormat.He is likely to be playing away and this will be your life if you don't take a stand.

You are a good woman being badly treated. Nothing you say will make him change so your choice is to live your life like this, sobbing and upset at weekends or take a stand.

You deserve better.

@lifebegins50

It all began 3months ago, when on our “weekend off” he would just disappear on the Saturday night. Over Christmas he did it on Christmas Eve, then again on Boxing Day. No communication from the moment he left. He use to be back first thing on the following morning, but as time as has gone on it’s got later and later. To the point this weekend, I’ve not heard from him at all on the Sunday. He has never gone to the extreme of blocking me though?

I admit I have been a “doormat” and have let the weekends and episodes continue and as a result probably get worse. Like a teenager he’s pushing the boundaries. This time it’s too far, and I’m taking a stand. His mess, he can clean it up. I just have to sort the stuff I need to for me.