End of the line... need support

[Freshsheets9]

So... I think this is the end of the line for my 4 year relationship. I feel like the last few months I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, making excuses for DPs behaviour. But this weekend has been the final straw.

I’m annoyed though, because I just want respect and communication.

He left yesterday evening to go and see one of his friends. I asked him if he was home for tea? He said Yes, why wouldn’t I be.

I haven’t seen or heard from him since, and have been blocked on every platform of social media and communication method. Why???

All his belongings are here? We have no DC but have twin DSD who are 4 and stay 50:50. All their belongings are also here?

So why has my DP gone NC? He has been online on WhatsApp not that long ago, so I know he’s alive, plus chatting on Facebook to his friends.

Why would someone do this? To someone they are meant to love and care about?

(Insert emotional wreck emoji)

Sorry you are going through this OP.
As you can't communicate with him, I've no suggestions.
Other than to leave all his crap outside.
What a fucking asshole he is.
I feel for his DC as well.
But you can be free of this.
Do some work on yourself.
Understand why you've put up with this shit for so long and then go from there.
Good luck.
But get him and his DC gone from your life!

He sounds like a nightmare. Move on and find your own life now.
Change the locks. Send him a message on whatever you have stating you will keep his stuff for X amount of time but after that you will be leaving it on the porch. He needs to arrange a time to come (as now he won't have the right keys) so you can also have someone there with you so you don't fall for him.
Contact the kids school with a message to pass onto to the mum or if you have her number message her or her dp stating the relationship is over and he is not communicating so can't get the kids stuff to them. They also need to arrange to collect.
It doesn't matter what she does with it. It's not anything to do with you anymore sadly except that it's in your home.
Find someone who treats you with respect.

It seems that I have been unblocked on what’s app. So I’m going to send a message asking for him to collect his and the DC belongings later today.

The lock Smith is due any minute, so atleast I know he won’t be able to get in, if I have NC and return to work tomorrow.

I’ve asked MIL to contact his EX about the DC, it’s not my problem, and I don’t want to be dragging school in to this mess.

I just hate that there is no communication, explanation. I have a number of reasons in my head justifying his behaviour in recent months, but they are just excuses. I need to realise that and move forward. In the unlikely event he realises what he has done, he would have a lot of (months of) proving himself to me, and he’s not doing that under this roof.

It doesn't change and they think they have the god given right to do it. I've been through this, he didn't have dc's but dogs. He didn't have another woman but he had an omni present ex and substance miduse/addiction. My weekends were similarly ruined and I let it go on for ages too because I loved him. I definitely deserved better and reached a point of clarity over it that you will too.

Are you wealthier, have your own house and are more successful in your job and life in general and have more friends than him? Some men's ego's just can't accept this, even though it was what they find attractive about you in the first place. They can't cope with the fact that they have done well and are lucky to have you, so they start to push boundaries and treat you like shit. See through it and start to know your own worth.

@DIYdoldrums sorry to hear that you was in the same position.

I have my own house, but dso does he. DP house I rented out. He has more friends and a much wider social circle than me. I have lost most of my friends over the years, and prior to our relationship. Which doesn’t help current matters.

I have a successful job, which if I don’t get my act together I could loose. But he is equally successful with his own business. We always had the same goals, achievements, life ambitions which is one of the reasons we got together in the first place.

DP just messaged. He says his head is a mess, but needs to be on his own. Without me or his DC. So god knows what to tell their mum!

I’ve told him to come round this evening to talk, and to collect some belongings. He has agreed, once he has finished work.

I am a UTTER mess! I’m crying, I hate my life and can feel this huge void opening back up. I don’t have many friends, I struggled with MC and MH before I met him. I just don’t know what to do anymore!!

Whether his head is a mess or not doesn’t excuse treating you so cruelly. Why didn’t he say that before disappearing on you?

Sorry op but it’s just so disrespectful. Not knowing whether you’re coming or going is bad for your MH too.

Be careful he doesn’t have you looking after his children while he ‘sorts his head out.’ You’ll probably feel sorry for him and be desperate to please so I would avoid a talk at the moment if I were you.

Hmm, he's back in contact now it's Monday and RL is kicking in and the weekend is over. This. Is. Bullshit.

He went AWOL and NC because it was the weekend and he wanted to please himself.

Do not look after his children OP. This is just a way of him getting to behave how he wants. He's a child.

I knew months ago that his MH was struggling, suppose I was the mug for staying and trying to make things better, and putting up with his behaviour for so long.

In the process it seems like all I have achieved is shattering my own MH and hitting what feels like rock bottom.

That void you feel opening up? It's your brain knowing that if you take him back you'll be miserable and disappointed with your life.

You haven’t been a mug, we instinctively try to help the people we love. But you and your MH is also important, and shouldn’t be forsaken just for his. Please put yourself first now, he certainly is.

Do you know what helps me when I wobble? I go through each piece of shitty behaviour he did and ask myself 'Would I do that? Especially to someone I was meant to love?' Each time I would answer no.

That void is the memories of every failed relationship, every lonely night in between. The loss of a child, the not having family life.

Thanks @DIYdoldrums I keep trying to find the hate and disappointment he caused. To feel the anger towards him. But I keep going back to the happy memories and the life that we had before all this.

DP just messaged. He says his head is a mess, but needs to be on his own. Without me or his DC. So god knows what to tell their mum!

I think you need to tell their Mum, if he is going AWOL, potential MH crisis and talking about being without his DC I'd say it could be a safeguarding issue and she needs to be aware. Sorry you are going through this.

I think he's been deliberately going AWOL on you regularly so you would get pissed off and be the bad guy that dumps him - it gives him yet another 'victim' card to play.
You didn't do that. So he's carried on.
Now, after he's been pushed into a corner, he STILL can't find the balls to say it's over, instead he gives you the pathetic line of needing to be 'on his own'.

I hope you're clear in your head that this is over?
When you see him, ask him for a straight answer - does he want to be with you or not?
If you don't get an immediate 'yes' then you tell him that he's basically called it off.
As for informing his ex about the change in arrangements - this isn't your problem anymore.
He can contact her himself or get his mum to do it for him.

Don't feel sorry for him.
He's messing with your head and feelings and doesn't give a shit....and comes out with pathetic excuses when asked to explain himself.

What the fuck does he expect to happen with his kids if he also needs a break from them? Does he expect you to still look after them?

Tbh it sounds like he either has an OW on the go, or has gotten involved with drugs and is having benders.

So he caused you stress all weekend and you had to miss work but HE has functioned quite happily and gone into work.
I think you are in danger of being played, what if he has met someone else and he wants to shed all his responsibilities for a while until he sure about her.

Bless you, straight away you have started to worry about him despite you not functioning today.

Please don't feel sorry for him, raise your bar. He treated you badly and you don't deserve it.
You sound lovely and friends will come back into your life, you just need to drop him as he has been a drain in You. You won't know it until you are alone for a while.

How old are you?

@Bluestitch I do need to tell their mum. Don’t know in my current metal state that I have the energy, I know how hard work she can be. Last year (D)P was in hospital with meningitus, luckily it was caught in time but he was in a bad way, on a high dependency unit. I messaged Ex to say I couldn’t collect the DC, she went mad, and said unless he’s 6ft under we had to.

I don’t feel sorry for him, I feel like he needs help, as do I. I’ve had the locks changed, and I’ve rang the doctors for help with my own MH and I’ve spoken to a colleague at work.

From what he has said in his message, he doesn’t want it to be over, but knows he can’t do this to me anymore and has to deal with his own issues. Which I completely agree with.

I’m not going to collect the DC on Wednesday, his duty and his issue to sort.

He is coming over later to talk, but I think this is more coming to collect belongings. I’m going to try and find some strength before he gets here.

I’m 32. Young I know (even though I don’t feel it), and have enough time to start again.

His children are not your responsibility, let him sort it out.

I’ve told him to come round this evening to talk, and to collect some belongings.

Just give him his stuff and tell him that you deserve to be treated with some respect. I'm guessing an OW too from the disappearing acts. Sorry you're going through this.

Very classic example of reverse guilt. Oh I'm mentally unstable and need to get my head straight 🙄 coped all right at the weekend eh.. not it's come on top he's not feeling himself. Do yourself a huge favour and don't listen to this bullsh*t and take your life back. He's been seriously disrespectful and deserves no sympathy. Bags at the door when he arrives 👌

you are not a legal guardian of his DC I assume, whatever else happens, he has to collect them, take to dentist or not, & look after them out of school hours.
How Mum is away, you know whats going to happen, he will ask you to do it
while he is off shagging courting the ow.
He was fine to cut you off all w/e, now he has to look after DC he is back in contact. This is flagrant manipulation.
Get rid once & for all.

You don’t need to contact his ex. Don’t put yourself through any more avoidable stress on his behalf. If he isn’t up to collecting the children it’s his issue to arrange for someone else to do so.