I think he might propose and I'm unsure.

[GirlOnIt]

I've got a suspicion my Dp is going to propose and I'm just not sure if I want him to or not.
We live together and have a Ds and when we bought our house we both said we wanted to get married some day. Then I found out I was pregnant and he asked me if I wanted to get married before the baby arrived, that sounds so outdated I know. I said I didn't, but I definitely wanted to at some point and I really felt that.

I imagine us getting married someday and I love him. But the thought that he might ask is freaking me out a bit.
I wondered if it was a surprise proposal did the answer just come naturally for others or was it something you had to think about first?
Is it quite normal to feel a bit weird at the thought of it? I'm not sure if it's actually marriage or him proposing that's making me feel weird. I'd maybe rather we just discussed it and agreed to do it. But then I kinda said I wanted a proposal when he asked when I was pregnant.

Ds is only three months so I don't think the baby hormones are helping much. And we've had some adjusting to do in our relationship since Ds arrived so I know I'm not feeling we're the best we've ever been. But then I imagine that's normal with a new baby.

It's not usual to feel weird about a proposal from a man you wish to marry, no.

However, hormones may be playing a role here.

Talk to him about it. Maybe focus on the baby for now, revisit marriage at the end of the year.

Agee, bad timing. You need to focus on your baby. Can't you drop a hint?

Do you think I should mention it, even though I'm not sure he's definitely going to? Or wait and just talk about it if he does?

A few people did mention st Christmas that they'd expected me to get a ring and I said "no we aren't ready for that just yet" or words to the effect. Dp agreed and he joked that we'd be getting asked this at every special occasion now.

If you'd like to discuss it, then no time like the present. Share your feelings with him.

How about saying something along the lines of "Tina from work messaged me yesterday, she says Doris has announced her engagement - she only had a baby 3 months ago! I can't believe she'd put herself through that stress while breastfeeding!"

That should drop a very heavy hint without you having to say "Fuck off with your marriage proposals" and also gives him a bit of a timeline with "while breastfeeding" e.g. wait at least 2 years!

I'd say something if I was certain I don't want to. But I'm not sure, and if I say something this time I'm sure he won't ask again.
We've got a baby and a mortgage and marriage is the sensible next step.

I'm wondering if it's just because I'm thinking about it. Maybe if he does it, it will feel right at the time. I'm not much one for being centre of attention which he knows and I doubt he'd do something public. But I'm thinking what is he going to do and maybe that's all I'm worrying about not actually marrying him. Does that make sense?

I could try saying something in regards to Ds, like suggested.
The thing is my Dp just doesn't take hints he's oblivious. I think that's also why he doesn't pick up on the fact he's dropping them himself. Bless him, he plans some lovely things for me but none of them are ever real surprises because he's so flipping obvious!

Hormones kicked in. Your world is baby and others are a far away second. He’s been eclipsed.

You’re right to wait and let things settle.

I’d say something, kindly, before he does it so it’s not a kick in the teeth. Something like:

“X asked if were getting married now the baby is here, I really would like to wait a year or so rather than add to the stress we’ve got right now, Don’t want to go down the aisle with baby weight and leaking boobs...”

(You are very wise OP taking note of your feelings. )

I think you're right Changedun. I think since DS I've not felt quite the same way, I love him but he's not so important anymore. He's felt it too though and he's struggled with it. We've been making a effort with each other and it's been really nice.
I'm a bit worried if I say something quite bluntly he's going to take it as a sign I'm not sure about him and our relationship though. If I'm right with what I'm suspecting he's gone to quite a bit of effort too and been planning it for a while.

You sound a sweet couple actually. I think it's probably hormones or performance anxiety because you know it's coming.

Realistically you have a baby together, that is far more of a commitment than a marriage. But marriage will protect that child financially so you should get married unless there's some big red flag, which there doesn't appear to be from your posts. So why don't you tell him you don't want a big proposal or a big wedding but you do want to increase your child's security then go and have a quick wedding with no fuss.

So you’re not sure if you want to be married to him?

Do you already have a legal agreement re the house, finances etc?

If not getting married, it’d be sensible to return to work full time after maternity leave.

If he is the main earner or you’re planning to be a SAHM then marriage is the best way to protect yourself financially. It is worth doing for the legal protection alone in that situation, it doesn’t have to be an extravagant huge event.

@saucymumof3 the OP isn't saying she doesn't want to jump into anything serious - they have a mortgage and a child, that's pretty serious. Also, what is an ethnic husband?

Back to the OP: is it the thought of a big flash wedding and being the centre of attention that is bothering you? It doesn't sound like you are unsure of your feelings and commitment. You can get married in a low-key ceremony with just a handful of guests (if any) - but I would echo another poster, in that being married to the father of your child will give you additional financial security.

We did discuss the protection of marriage when I was pregnant and we've made sure I'm as protected as possible without it. House is in both our names and if something happens to him it's left to me and same if something happens to me. Life insurance, pensions we're the beneficiary of each other's, if something happens. All his money is joint and I have separate savings in just my name.
He's aware I'm still somewhat vulnerable though and if I wanted to he'd get married as soon as.

I'm honestly not sure what I want! I think I'm overthinking it but if I imagine him asking me in some romantic way I just can't imagine being like "oh god, yes of course I want to marry you". But when I was pregnant I didn't want it to just be a case of us saying "yep let's just do it".
So I basically don't know what I want and poor Dp can't do right either way.

I'm sure it's the baby hormones because the thought of being particular romantic doesn't really appeal to me at the moment.
I know what I'd want wedding wise and we agree on that. I don't know I don't feel scared at the thought of the commitment or anything or actually marrying him. I think its more my heads just not in a place to think about and plan a wedding right now. I'm not sure if that's making even a little bit of sense.

My friend suggested today that I just let him do it (if he's going to). Say yes but say I don't want to plan anything just yet. I can say Ds is too young and I want to wait until I'm back in work so we'll be able to save and stuff. She pointed out that, that's really no different to where we're at right now. We both agree we'll do it someday, only difference is I'll have a ring.

I definitely don't want to part ways with him saucymumof3. Our relationship is good, I love him and he loves me.

I get your point entirely.

Marriage is so definite and final. Even without having a logical reason why, I can understand why it scares the hell out of a lot of women and men too in some cases

Tbh I'm not sure you need to do anything or stop him from proposing? You seem pretty clear that you want to marry him, as long as the time for the actual wedding is right. You just seem to be a bit deep in baby headspace right now. So why not just say 'yes, but can we put a pause on planning the actual wedding for a while - I'm still figuring out this whole baby thing'. Saying no to a proposal is a pretty big statement and generally means 'I don't want to marry you at all, ever'.

And fwiw when DH proposed, even though we'd discussed marriage, my emotional reaction was not joy but 'oh fuck'. I said yes not because I felt the desire in the moment to say yes but because I was pretty sure that I HAD wanted to marry him before he actually asked me! The panic wore off and it worked out fine

Thanks CountessVonBoobs. That's kinda what I wanted to know, if anyone else when asked wasn't exactly like 'yes, this is the best day of my life'. I'm not sure I've worded it very well.

I might just try convince myself he's not really going to do and see how I feel if he does.

Why not go for a really loooooooong engagement?

The best days of my life were when my DDs were born and you’ve already done that so it’s no surprise that an engagement pales in comparison!

If/when he does ask don’t say No (could be v hurtful and damaging to your relationship) say Yes But.

It is just a ring.
A promise to marry later.
Accept it if he proposes, it is far less of a commitment than a baby...
Then you can talk to him about the rest, with the pressure off from family and friends.
Don't over think it too much, I think he just wants to show he is committed to you and your son....

I'm not even sure I want a really long engagement Hearts. I was thinking getting married when Ds is around 2, I don't suppose that's actually that long away really.

I don't think I could say no to him if he asked me. Of course I know I could, but I'd know he'd be heartbroken if he's thought he's doing something lovely and I say no.

I think I'm just being silly but if it keeps bothering me, I might just talk to him before hand and say I'm thinking he might and I'm not sure about it. My friend did make me feel a bit better today though.