I think he might propose and I'm unsure.

[GirlOnIt]

I've got a suspicion my Dp is going to propose and I'm just not sure if I want him to or not.
We live together and have a Ds and when we bought our house we both said we wanted to get married some day. Then I found out I was pregnant and he asked me if I wanted to get married before the baby arrived, that sounds so outdated I know. I said I didn't, but I definitely wanted to at some point and I really felt that.

I imagine us getting married someday and I love him. But the thought that he might ask is freaking me out a bit.
I wondered if it was a surprise proposal did the answer just come naturally for others or was it something you had to think about first?
Is it quite normal to feel a bit weird at the thought of it? I'm not sure if it's actually marriage or him proposing that's making me feel weird. I'd maybe rather we just discussed it and agreed to do it. But then I kinda said I wanted a proposal when he asked when I was pregnant.

Ds is only three months so I don't think the baby hormones are helping much. And we've had some adjusting to do in our relationship since Ds arrived so I know I'm not feeling we're the best we've ever been. But then I imagine that's normal with a new baby.

mummmy2017 You have a good point, unless he’s going to do one of these public things where it could be embarrassing for the OP. Then best to head him off.

I really don't think he would Fusioluxe. But omg what if he does? I'm fully entitled to just walk away if he starts anything remotely embarrassing in public aren't I?
I don't even like when restaurants sing happy birthday so he's got to know I'd want something private, hasn't he?

Yes, tell him that you don’t like to be stared ai in public!

I don’t like the restaurant singers either and the day I left a job and everyone crowded rough my desk to give me a gift and to hear a speech I was nearly physically ill!

Certainly give him the heads up about that.

How do I subtly (but not so much that he doesn't pick up on it) tell him that if he was to propose in public I'd kill him, after saying most definitely No!

Just say that! Someone you know/saw on YouTube/read about, had a big production engagement and it was excruciatingly embarrassing and you’d hate anything like that.

???

I can’t work out what having an ethnic husband has got to do with anything. Anyway....

The financial things you mention are OK, as long as you will be working full time and making no more compromises at work (that could compromise your earnings and pension) than DP.

He knows the birthday thing and he doesn't do it. Jokes every year He's going yo, but never tells them if we're out for my birthday. And when friends have done it to me, he's always been quick to distract attention away afterwards because he knows I don't like it.

And yep! I feel you on the leaving thing. Work did it to me when I was going on mat leave, they decorated a chair and everything and I had to sit there and open my cards and gifts.

He knows me, he's not going to do something I hate. I mean I'm guessing the idea is I say yes so he's going to do something I'd like surely.

You just need to so something like, "Oh, X's friends, cousins, sister got engaged... Her new fiancé asked her (insert your worst nightmare proposal) how cringy! I'd be mortified, I'd much rather something quiet with just the two of us!!

I'm going back three days Loopy. But three long days so my hours aren't going down by much if any as I'm waiting to hear if I can make the others up from home. Dp will be doing shorter days the three I'm working so he can do drop off and pick ups to nursery/grandmas where Ds is going.

Dp earns more though even when we're both full time.

I totally understand the nerves. I was surprised when DH proposed. In fact I don't tell you my answer (slightly outing) but it definitely wasn't yes. The fact he still wanted to marry me after that was a good sign. I never did say yes I don't think. Do you want to marry this man? If so then I would say carry on as normal. Say yes and then wait a year or so before you get married so you feel a bit more like you again. If this is more than nerves you need to talk to him before he proposes. It would be awful to do it in the moment.

Well if you want to marry him I would say yes. The length of the engagement and the wedding can be discussed afterwards, but if you say no or yes but, he may not ask again. Someone I know turned her DP down more than once, he stopped asking and when the relationship broke down, she was asked to leave the very expensive house with 100 k in her pocket, which in relation to the equity was very little. Wills and death in service payments can be changed, with marriage you have more protaction.

Protection

Public proposals are a big red flag. They basically coerce a woman into saying yes and all men who do them should be told no. Awful things. Getting married is not a romantic gesture, it should be a serious discussion. I doubt OPs OH is going to do that but just in case watch a romcom together and when the big declaration scene happens make some comment about what romantic bullshit they are that remove agency from women.

I actually completely get what you mean about a proposal not being this wonderful moment. And the pressure comes from outside, everyone wants to know 'the story of the proposal'. I really do think you need to have the discussion on the sofa and just say 'I'm completely in the baby stage right now but I've been thinking about you wanting to get married before and I agree we should but lets not have the wedding for another 18 months or so'. He has already proposed. And if anyone else asks for 'the story' just say 'big romantic grstures are not our style, it was the obvious thing to do now we have the baby' and give them a Paddington stare.

I agree on the very public proposals Count. But at the same time I don't want feel we've just done it because we've got Ds. That was my problem when he asked when I was pregnant. I know, I know, I don't know what I want! Poor Dp.

Wasn't it you OP, whose partner was leaving you and your son every day and going out with the lads and showing a lot of jealousy towards the baby and attention you gave the baby?

You could be feeling this due to that situation. It may feel as though this is a band aid to cover over his poor behaviour, and also a way to deflect your attention back to him and more away from the baby.

I would say hormones, but knowing that he was acting like a complete ass to you and you DS, I would say your probably right to be a little wary of this coming at this exact time.

Yep bethy that's him. Although I do think when he's been meeting his mate he's been planning this. But I do think that's what's made me question things more, I guess I'm maybe not 100% sure on him because of all that.
Although no problems since I mentioned it. He's not been out since except football one night a week.

It is only a promise...
Once you say yes. That is when you have the rights to talk to him about details, I really do think he is trying to show commitment, and if you say no he might feel your not in the relationship for the long haul....
Yell him yes but.

I do think he probably thinks it's what I want or he's hoping it shows me he's committed to me and Ds.
I'm just going to try relax and not think about it! For now at least.

Although I do think when he's been meeting his mate he's been planning this.

Wasn't he out getting drunk most of the time, leaving you to it, saying there was no point in him even being home as you would be asleep?

I mean, you can always say yes and think about it, you don't have to get married within a day of him asking. I think you're right to have some questions, what he did wasn't nice, and it's always possible he could act that way should you be ill, have another child, be going through a rough time where you are home more and seem more boring to him again.

Perhaps he is using it as a bit of a plaster over some cracks that presented themselves.

I agree bethy, that he could be using it as a band aid for the things he's done wrong and I guess that's worrying me too.

I think he's spoke to his friend about it when he's been out, the friend mentioned something and that's what got me suspicious. I got the impression it had been a subject they'd discussed a lot. Doesn't excuse his behaviour though. Like I said on my other thread that was very unusual for him and I'm trying to remember that and not hold it against him too much, so long as it doesn't happen again.

He's been very good since no nights/days out and he's been having Ds more on his own too (that I'll admit was down to me not really leave him with him).
He's laid off on the sex and he's been much more affectionate, which actually makes me feel more in the mood anyway (go figure).

Hmm, I'm not sure what to do. I do kinda think we aren't in a place for a marriage proposal. But equally I don't want to hurt him and I want us to get to that place.

Your updates put a different gloss on the situation, and suggest a thoughtless man trying to bandage up cracks caused by his own selfishness in a relationship with a small baby. You don't sound sure about the relationship -- admittedly adding a small baby to the mix doesn't leave any relationship unchanged, but your partner sounds as if he's been selfish and misogynistic.

He's not doing you a favour by proposing, you know. It's not the ultimate male compliment or anything -- you don't have to feel all glowy and flattered. Think of it as a purely logistical arrangement. Or just tell him not to propose, the idea depresses you. You are committed to him and your child, and will move towards planning a wedding at some point in the future, you don't need rings or bended knee stuff...

And now I'm thinking about it again! This is his fault for being a idiot.

I'm being silly, I know even if I say yes I don't actually have to marry him. It's nothing really, it's a pretty ring (hopefully) and that's all. The commitment comes from the rest of the stuff and if he can't show me he's committed by his actions I won't marry him.

And now if he doesn't even ask, I'm going to feel even sillier 😂

But if it's bothering you this much, you don't have to be proposed to, you know. You can nip it in the bud. It's not just a matter of hurting his feelings, you get to have your feelings about it, too and if those feelings are 'Don't bother me with this stuff at the moment I have a new baby, and you've been behaving like a wanker', then just say so.