I'm really upset with how my Mum behaved on my wedding day, and have gone low contact with her since. Starting to feel guilty, should I?

[BoldKitties]

So DH and I got married a few weeks ago. It's great, we're so very happy.

However, I'm just so cross with my Mum, she was a nightmare on the day. Her Mam died a year ago, and yes, she has been struggling. It's been very tough for her. I've been her shoulder to cry on all year. I've let her take her moods out on me. She's often been mean and unpleasant to me, she's been extremely demanding, expecting now DH and I to be at her beck and call constantly. We did this, as she was having a tough time.

So on the day of our wedding, when getting ready, she threw a massive strop. I was getting into my dress with my sisters and she was stomping around the house screaming and swearing. I ended up sitting in the bedroom I was getting ready in trying so hard not to cry. Luckily my sisters and Dad were amazing.

At the dinner, she threw another strop as she misplaced her handbag. Much tantrumming, slamming things, huffing. She was like a mad woman. She'd dropped it down the back of the built in seating, DH and his BIL and the restaurant manager had to pull out one of the sections of seating to find her bag and calm her down. When I asked her to chill (before the bag was found) she made a very vicious comment to me that left me and my bridesmaids crying our eyes out in the bathroom.

At the end of the night, when we were back at my house, she said something to my sister that really hurt her. Then when we told her this, she went crazy, screaming and ranting. This turned into a mad screaming session, with my sisters telling her how difficult she's been and her screeching like a banshee. My sisters were inappropriate, they shouldn't have used our wedding night to air their grievances. But I can understand why they did.

So anyway, apologies for the seriously long post. I've cut way back on my contact with my Mum. She's seriously cross with me. I just can't deal with her anymore. How do I manage seriously cutting contact with someone who expects me to be there every day? And how do I get over my disappointment that she couldn't just allow DH and I one day of niceness. She'd never in a million years have behaved like that at my sister's wedding. But she just had to spoil our day

“So I stepped up again”.

No, you sadly gave in to the FOG. Time to step up for yourself (and your marriage).

Your DH too should read the literature as it sounds like he too has been sucked in.

Nothing good can ever come of trying to conduct a relationship with either your mum or your dad.

Wishing you a good recovery from your crisis.

You will not recover as long as you still hold out hope of having a mutually respectful relationship with your toxic parents. Please let go of this dream. Take the time and do the work necessary to disengage - seek help in seeing yourself as your own woman.

Firstly for both the fertility news you had and your mother's horrible and unsupportive reaction.

And well done OP for getting counselling. That's a good step! Often people think about it but don't do it.

My mother similar to yours. Counselling has made a big difference. She also behaved terribly around my wedding (as a result she lost her best friend who would still cry, three years later about what DM said to her). My theory in hindsight was a) not being centre of attention didn't work for her and b) if I'm officially married, I'm no longer "hers", in her mind.

OP you're going to be ok. Your DH sounds like he's got your back. Your life has been basically eaten up by her and your father has enabled this because he doesn't want to be there for his wife. Without you - since age 12(!) - their marriage wouldn't have lasted. That's an absolutely unacceptable position to give to your child.

I am NC with DM (DF disappeared a long time ago). I can't tell you how amazing it is not to have to worry that I've done the right thing, bought the right gift, said the right thing - and hundreds of other minor things. Your parents are both going to come after you if you try to reduce contact again/more/still. Your mother because she's used to having you as her psychological extension and your father because he wants you to deal with her so he can be free. But that is exactly why you should (and I don't say that lightly, or frequently). Keep up with the counselling and think of this as time to build your life. Anybody who isn't supportive of that doesn't love you more than they love having you there to dump on.

Please do not feel guilty . I was a whipping boy for my mother, until she died at94. She acted just like your mother but, when my father died at 50, she ramped up the histerics no end.

There was no MN to turn to in those days. If there was, I am sure I would have had the courage to turn away from her. She ruined my life, don’t let your mother ruin yours.

She sounds very much like my sibling. At my first graduation she had to be distracted from two tantrums, firstly because she wasn't in the centre of the family photograph, and secondly because she hadn't chosen the post-graduation restaurant (because, for some reason, being as it was my graduation I'd believed it to be my choice). I lied to my mother about the second graduation, saying I could only get one ticket, as I didn't want a repeat. And my mother finally agreed that, were I to ever get married, I wouldn't have to invite her, as she'd be a nightmare (this after telling me I'd have to give her a job to do to feel important!!!!!).

I'm as good as NC now. See her only when I have to at family events (currently, on average, once every 5 years).

Your Mother has an undiagnosed MH issue of many years standing. The upsurge in her behaviour was triggered by her own Mothers death. Sounds like mania and if she will not get help then she will always be a person who is just too painful to have in your life. I’m very sorry but you just can’t. My Mother was like this and I went very low contact but I lived hundreds of miles away so it was easy. The last straw was when my DD died and she still made it all about her. That’s the kind of person you are dealing with. I think she was jealous she couldn’t trump my ultimate sad story. Mother died last year and I was actually relieved. Three of my sisters were not like me and our one other sister and remained captive to her. Look up fear, obligation and guilt.

@Rock4please what a singularly unsupportive post. Thanks for your input.

@ShittensAndKittens I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am going through VERY similar at the moment. You are trying to rationalise something that defies logic.
My feeling now is that, rightly or wrongly, I just must put myself first and move on with my life. Life is short and I just don't want to spend it in a pit of despair. They will never understand your position so you need to reconcile yourself with that.
You do not owe them the loyalty & devotion that they are demanding 💐

I also tried to step up to prevent my Dad from bearing the brunt. Looking back, he should have been the one protecting me and my brother from her venom. We used to go to the seaside for my birthday and, just before my 12th I asked him if we were going. His reply, “I’ve more to worry about than your birthday. Your mother is threatening sucicide”. Who says that to an 11 year old.

Following on also from what Florentina wrote I would think that your dad is very much your mother's enabler. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and this is his. He is her secondary abuser.

Women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them, step forward your dad here. He has been her hatchet man here throughout trying to keep her happy and has singularly failed to protect you from her abuse and associated excesses of behaviour. You've been well and truly thrown under the bus by him too. He cannot therefore be at all relied upon either. He is a weak bystander of a man who would likely say something along the lines of, "don't make me unhappy with the wife I have chosen".

Whatever about no contact you definitely need to go low contact with your mum. That is too much like hard work. It is bad enough that she ruined what is supposed to be the best day of your life. Your father is not helping matters either.

Give them a miss again and try not to respond to them and see how you go.

Oh OP this is so unacceptable - you have been 'trained' by their abuse to always put them first, and it will take a while to 'retrain' yourself to ignore their unreasonable demands. But you must wave goodbye to your dream that they will ever be good parents to you. It is obvious to outsiders like us that they are utterly incapable of treating you decently. My heart goes out to, but really, you owe them nothing. Nothing at all.

Oh op that’s awful. I know how you feel. My father and my sister behaved like absolute dicks in the run up to and on our wedding day. I haven’t seen or spoken to either of them since. My father actually approached my dh the following Christmas to try and convince him that it’s all my fault anyway we are no contact now and it’s hard at times but it’s much better this way

If the behaviour on your wedding day was fairly typical for her, then yes I would go very low contact.

If she has loved and supported you and done her absolute best and the wedding day was out of character then I would try to forgive her.

Wow. You and your sisters should cut her off.

How is your DH? I'd be absolutely pissed if I was him and tell you she was never to step foot in my house or be around me again.
What a selfish horrible bitch.

She does sound most unwell; but I do not think there is much you can do about it. Self-preservation is not to be confused with selfishness. You need to do what gets you through.

Your mother sounds very unstable and for a long time, you need to look past your Nans death. I've been NC with my mother for 14 years due to her horrific behaviour.