I'm really upset with how my Mum behaved on my wedding day, and have gone low contact with her since. Starting to feel guilty, should I?

[BoldKitties]

So DH and I got married a few weeks ago. It's great, we're so very happy.

However, I'm just so cross with my Mum, she was a nightmare on the day. Her Mam died a year ago, and yes, she has been struggling. It's been very tough for her. I've been her shoulder to cry on all year. I've let her take her moods out on me. She's often been mean and unpleasant to me, she's been extremely demanding, expecting now DH and I to be at her beck and call constantly. We did this, as she was having a tough time.

So on the day of our wedding, when getting ready, she threw a massive strop. I was getting into my dress with my sisters and she was stomping around the house screaming and swearing. I ended up sitting in the bedroom I was getting ready in trying so hard not to cry. Luckily my sisters and Dad were amazing.

At the dinner, she threw another strop as she misplaced her handbag. Much tantrumming, slamming things, huffing. She was like a mad woman. She'd dropped it down the back of the built in seating, DH and his BIL and the restaurant manager had to pull out one of the sections of seating to find her bag and calm her down. When I asked her to chill (before the bag was found) she made a very vicious comment to me that left me and my bridesmaids crying our eyes out in the bathroom.

At the end of the night, when we were back at my house, she said something to my sister that really hurt her. Then when we told her this, she went crazy, screaming and ranting. This turned into a mad screaming session, with my sisters telling her how difficult she's been and her screeching like a banshee. My sisters were inappropriate, they shouldn't have used our wedding night to air their grievances. But I can understand why they did.

So anyway, apologies for the seriously long post. I've cut way back on my contact with my Mum. She's seriously cross with me. I just can't deal with her anymore. How do I manage seriously cutting contact with someone who expects me to be there every day? And how do I get over my disappointment that she couldn't just allow DH and I one day of niceness. She'd never in a million years have behaved like that at my sister's wedding. But she just had to spoil our day

I'm surprised that you are only low contact with her.
I'd have gone no contact after such behaviour.
She sounds like she was fairly toxic before your Nan died anyway.

Her telling you about affairs is abuse if you were quite young at the time (I am happy to be corrected if it doesn't depend on your age).

Your Mum sounds similar to mine. My counsellor was convinced that Mum has Borderline Personality Disorder. Through counselling, I was able to put my own barriers in place to minimise how much she can hurt me. It may be worth doing some reading up on this disorder, and getting yourself some therapy to talk through how you can look after yourself. Best of luck to you x

You're absolutely right to cut right down on contact with her. If she is making a low level of contact so difficult, you will need to consider going no contact.

How old are your sisters? Do they still live at home?

Her behaviour was very upsetting.
I don’t think you should feel guilty.
Would you feel better if you write her a letter, not blaming or berating her, but explaining how you feel and how you felt about your wedding day being upset. Just tell her factually how you feel and say that for the time being, though you will always be her Dd, you need time to calm down and re-set your life. Meanwhile you hope she is OK, and that you understand she is still grieving and maybe seek help from the appropriate agencies.

Tbh it does sound not quite ‘right ‘, which could be due to a range of causes.

Can your sisters talk to her?
Say “BoldKitties is still upset over what happened on her wedding day, and to be honest none of us behaved at her best. She needs space and that is understandable. Mum we all owe her an apology”.

You cannot reason with a person like this. Set your boundaries, be it low or no contact, and stick to it. My mum turned on my brother after he and his girlfriend moved in together. I believe this wasn't a coincidence. He'd historically been her favourite, but I think her nose got seriously out of joint with him having a significant partner. They got married, but she never knew! She's trying to assert control over you, now's a good time to change the dynamics.

If I was in your situation I would 100% go no contact.

Fear Obligation Guilt.
Do not feel guilty. She is damaging to your mental health.

Hi BoldKitties. I am in the same situation with my mum - she tried to ruin my destination wedding and then the party in our return. I’ve been no contact since last Spring. She’s behaved badly all my life...why did I think the most magical time of my life wd be any different?! I have felt guilty at time but what for? Mine won’t ever apologise either and has her flying monkeys around her. Look up ‘child of narcissistic mother’ and read all about your childhood and relationship! It’s an eye-opener. Sometimes I feel sad but that’s because we’ve been conditioned that way. I realised my life is much happier without her. I have good and bad days but then I just remember everything she’s ever done and the people that she’s hurt...all without a single apology. What’s the point?

Personally, I would never talk to her again. She is like a cancerous tumour clinging to your life. Cut her out.

She sounds horrendous. Stick to your guns.

I'm sorry but your mum could be having a breakdown.

I'm sorry but your mum could be having a breakdown.

If it was recent maybe, but this follows a lifelong pattern of similar behaviour.

Never apologising and raging in the face of being told you've upset someone is very narcissistic behaviour.
Suspect bereavement is being used as an excuse to behave appallingly. If she is narcissistic her 'grief' will be very self centred anyway.
Telling you about affairs is enmeshment.
Seeing her every day is engulfing.
As PP have said you are in the FOG. You were raised to believe this is your fault, after all it can't be her can it? Hence she is now 'cross with you'.
You can dig your heels in for an apology, it may never come.
You can go NC or you can remain LC with boundaries. If you want your new family to remain harmonious this is essential.

OP here. I really appreciate all your posts, help, and advice. I struggled to reply to this thread, it was painful as I. Fuck, I don't know. I ran out of steam, I guess. I'm seriously cross with my mother right now. With both my parents.

I promised myself that I would take a step back from her, that I'd try to prioritise myself and my husband. That lasted a few weeks, before everything became more difficult and awful.

She became more demanding and manipulative. I fell apart completely a few weeks ago. I'd had some very bad news about my likelihood of ever having children. She brushed that aside, which was so hurtful. DH spoke to my dad about how much I was struggling, and a few days later dad asked to meet me for a coffee. He made it sound like he'd be supportive of me. Nope, ended up with more guilt tripping, he basically told me how I needed to stay in touch with my Mum because when I didn't, she got all crazy and then he had to deal with her, so it was shite for him.

So I stepped up, again, and dealt with her. She was awful to me, again. I had something of a breakdown last week. DH told my parents about this. That I was a sobbing, shivering wreck. Mum started with messages saying how she was so worried about me and would support me. Stupidly, I thought that she meant it. As soon as I started seeing her regularly again (a few days ago), the lecturing started. You need to keep in touch with me. You need to get a grip of yourself. You need to get out of the house (with me) for a walk every night. You need to talk to me. You need to keep me involved. You need to do what I want, all the bloody time.

I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow. I'm equally excited and terrified. Sorry for the ridiculously long post. I can't sleep, my mind is racing. And I'm just so cross with my Mother. And my Father. I feel like I'm suffocating. Like they won't just give me room to breathe.

When I tried cutting back on the time spent with her, I got endless berating from my dad and sisters. The reality is that none of them want to have to deal with her, so they put it on me. All the time.

That’s not bereavement. That’s just vile egocentric behaviour. She sounds quite poisonous. She spoiled your wedding day. Just keep her at a very long arms length.

Oh my, OP, could we be related?? Your DM sounds EXACTLY the same as mine! But I'm a lot older than you, and now that my mother is in her 90s and has lost her power to intimidate, I realise that we should have stood up to her years ago, and made her accountable for the awful, awful things she used to say and do. If you don't stand strong and refuse to let her ruin your life, that is exactly what she will do. Don't be like me and look back on a lifetime of being browbeaten, intimidated and emotionally destroyed. Act now, set boundaries and get on with your happy life. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Don’t feel guilty, OP. You did nothing wrong!

Your mother should feel guilty for the way she behaved, but probably won’t. I cannot ever imagine my own mom behaving like that. It would never happen.

Some people will suck the very life out of you. When you come across such people, you need to strike them from your life, or at the very least limit contact with them. I quit my job and found another to escape a sociopath at work. Life is way too short to deal with crap like that.

Your mother can take the first step and apologize, and try to behave like a normal person and a caring parent going forward. If not, oh well. Just let her be before she rips you apart even more.

ShittensAndKittens, your story is heart breaking, too. Good luck at your counseling session. Please let us know how it went!

to both of you.

Sounds as though she's got MH issues. And yes, you're right to want to protect yourself by going LC for as long as it takes.

You all sound like drama llamas, apart from your dad, to be honest. Counselling will hopefully be a positive experience and enable you to move forward, it all sounds emotionally exhausting.

Very sorry to hear that.

For your health, and your marriage, suggest that you once again go very low contact or indeed no contact with your parents. Focus on getting well and your relationship, and friendships.

There are literature recommendations on Stately Homes (dysfunctional families) in the relationships section here. Yours is definitely a Stately Homes family! You sound deep in Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).

Whatever your level of contact, suggest stopping sharing personal information in your parents, eg on fertility. They will not support you. You may need to stop sharing with your siblings too, if they are likely to pass it on.

Just keep away from her.

You deserve better.
You wouldn't let a random stranger treat you like this.

Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she has free range to treat you like a verbal punching bag.

Get on with your life you owe her NOTHING

This is like ready about my mum. Especially the update.

I am NC with both her and my dad. It's just easier.

for you.