I'm really upset with how my Mum behaved on my wedding day, and have gone low contact with her since. Starting to feel guilty, should I?

[BoldKitties]

So DH and I got married a few weeks ago. It's great, we're so very happy.

However, I'm just so cross with my Mum, she was a nightmare on the day. Her Mam died a year ago, and yes, she has been struggling. It's been very tough for her. I've been her shoulder to cry on all year. I've let her take her moods out on me. She's often been mean and unpleasant to me, she's been extremely demanding, expecting now DH and I to be at her beck and call constantly. We did this, as she was having a tough time.

So on the day of our wedding, when getting ready, she threw a massive strop. I was getting into my dress with my sisters and she was stomping around the house screaming and swearing. I ended up sitting in the bedroom I was getting ready in trying so hard not to cry. Luckily my sisters and Dad were amazing.

At the dinner, she threw another strop as she misplaced her handbag. Much tantrumming, slamming things, huffing. She was like a mad woman. She'd dropped it down the back of the built in seating, DH and his BIL and the restaurant manager had to pull out one of the sections of seating to find her bag and calm her down. When I asked her to chill (before the bag was found) she made a very vicious comment to me that left me and my bridesmaids crying our eyes out in the bathroom.

At the end of the night, when we were back at my house, she said something to my sister that really hurt her. Then when we told her this, she went crazy, screaming and ranting. This turned into a mad screaming session, with my sisters telling her how difficult she's been and her screeching like a banshee. My sisters were inappropriate, they shouldn't have used our wedding night to air their grievances. But I can understand why they did.

So anyway, apologies for the seriously long post. I've cut way back on my contact with my Mum. She's seriously cross with me. I just can't deal with her anymore. How do I manage seriously cutting contact with someone who expects me to be there every day? And how do I get over my disappointment that she couldn't just allow DH and I one day of niceness. She'd never in a million years have behaved like that at my sister's wedding. But she just had to spoil our day

Oh OP, that's awful. You are doing exactly the right thing. She's behaved terribly and needs to face it, apologise and maybe seek help for her mental health issues.
Yes, she's grieving, but her behaviour is inexcusable.

Omg you have done the right thing. Outrageous behaviour. Even if she was grieving, that does not give her the right to taint your wedding day like that.

What was your relationship like before your dgran died?

If you want to fix your relationship I would write her a letter. For some reason, things tend to be absorbed more by letter.

She owes you a huge apology. I would be restricting contact until she does the decent thing.

She’s horrible.
Your doing the right thing.
She needs to learn she can’t treat people like this!

Was she liken this before her mother died? If so I’d go totally no contact to be honest. But if this is a new type of behaviour, make it clear to her that normal relations won’t resume until she has sought some serious help from a bereavement counsellor.

Before my wonderful Nan died, she was still very dependent on me. She made me her confidante, started telling me about the affairs that she was having when I was 12. I was forced into a very adult role, having to support her when I was only a child myself.

DH and I brought her to visit my Nan every night. Our whole lives have revolved around her for years now.

I really need an apology from her, but that won't ever happen. She doesn't do apologies.

We have been telling her for ages that she needs bereavement counselling. She really does, but she completely refuses it

Her telling you about her affairs is inexcusable. Does your dad know?

She sounds immature and unstable. About time she respected you and your sisters as adults. She needs to grow up herself too. Writing a letter and low contact seems appropriate until she sorts herself out. Be prepared to reinstate boundaries in the future if necessary.

So sorry to read this, she certainly sounds very hard work.

In answer to you, I think you just do it. If she presses you to the point you feel you need to explain, you could send one text.

Since you want to go LC rather than NC, you could maybe send something like, "As you know, you behaved terribly at my wedding and I've had enough of your tantrums. Consequently, I'm no longer available to you on a daily basis. I will call you on XXX to discuss how we can move forwards." I would then block her until the agreed date/time. Ime, you need to take a very definite, non-negotiable stance or she will just carry on. She will probably try all her old tricks to get her own way, you have to be very firm and be prepared to go NC for things to change.

Just my thoughts. I'm sure you're the best judge.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Have a read of this and see if this makes sense to your experience of your mum. The behaviour you have described is very suspiciously like this!

I think you are wise to keep her at at a long reach. Using you as an emotional toilet when you are still a child is abuse.
Is she someone who forgets you are also a being with needs and wants or that you aren't a real person.

Don't feel bad about keeping her away for now.

Bereavement counselling, sure, but frankly, she sounded like a foul human being and mother before OPs nan died.

Anyone who would involve their own 12 year old child in their affairs is a shitty parent, self-centred and immature.

You are not being unreasonable in cutting her out of her life if you decide to go completely NC. I would if I were you.

My sister did something appalling at my wedding. I knew she would as she hates not being the star. I just hoped it wouldn't be too terrible. I have not had contact with her for sixteen years now.

How do you manage it was your question. You enjoy it. You are relieved by it. You stand in the sun and feel the warmth on your skin. That is how.
Find any way possible to lose the FOG (fear/obligation/guilt). She sounds horrendous.
On the practical side. Change locks/phone numbers/car if necessary. Don't be hoovered back in. Eventually it wil become the new normal. It takes a while but it is a land of milk and honey, trust me.

For your sanity and wellbeing, you need to maintain the stance of low to no contact.

Life does not revolve around her and her behaviour on your wedding day was incredibly immature and selfish.

She needs counselling. Her refusal to do so is her choice...but don't let it drag you down.

I personally wouldn't have contact until she apologised for her behaviour. She needs to apologise to your and your sisters.

Confiding in you about her infidelity is bang out of order.

She has a lot of issues she needs to deal with.

Try and focus on your married life. Your DH sounds like a supportive man..don't allow your mum to indirectly sabotage what you have.

It doesn't sound like your relationship with your DM was normal before the death of her mum.

Telling you about her affairs when you were 12 is not normal. being the confidant of an adult woman having affairs is not the job of a 12-yr old child.

Have you heard of parentification? She has turned you, and your now-DH into her permanent caretakers.

It's toxic to you and your emotional life. I'd suggest you have a google and perhaps think about counselling.

SlowlyShrinking, oh yes, Dad knows. I dare say he does not give a crap, as he's been busy with affairs of his own.

SandAndSea, thanks for the wording.

mooncuplanding, wow, so much of that fits

Sorry your mother spoiled your wedding and is a general nightmare.

Read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and get some counselling. You might also find the Stately Homes thread helpful.

This isn't grief on her part, is it? She's always been awful to you. I can't imagine how it felt hearing about her affairs when you were so young. How damaging that must have been. It sounds as though it pushed you into a maternal role. She's utterly selfish.

She behaved appallingly at your wedding and I can't see why she can't understand she has to apologise for that. Does she really think she behaved in a normal way? All of the attention was on her - pity she couldn't see that it was all negative attention.

Is she still with your dad? Does he know about the affairs?

Honestly, if I were your DH and you DIDN'T set some very firm boundaries with your mother, including sharply limiting contact, I'd be telling you that you and I have a serious problem.

You should seek some therapy for yourself as her inappropriate emotionally burdening you, as a child, will have stunted your emotional development.

You will have problems with normal boundaries and being over responsible.

She sounds hystrionic but you will not “fix” her - in fact the running around after her is misguided, enabling and has backfired.

You need to look after your own self anr marriage now as she will erode and unsettle that. Don’t feel guilty - feel proud and strong for putting down clear boundaries - it is emotionally healthy to do this and couldn even benefit her in the long term.

It’s not an accident that she wrecked your wedding day - she was loosing her control and confidente - so don’t let her wreck your marriage. Get some serious therapy under your belt and strong boundaries I place before you have your own children, otherwise this will impact here.

I'm sorry to read this op, what an awful thing to happen on your wedding day.
Take strength from your husband, who sounds brilliant by the way.
I'd write a letter to your mom and explain the impact her behaviour has had.
Not to excuse your mum, but is it possible that she's going through the menopause too?( As well as grieving)
I know of a woman who was almost batshit crazy with her hissy fit behaviour.. until she started on HRT.

Don't feel guilty. She is appalling. Very low contact and focus on building a wonderful life with your new husband. Try and let go of the guilt and fill your life with happier things.

She made me her confidante, started telling me about the affairs that she was having when I was 12

You don't need someone like that in your life.

What you may benefit from after years of this kind of treatment and what sounds like a very stressed family life is someone to talk it all through yourself. Not because there is something wrong with you but to help you put it behind you and not leach into your future life.

There is no reason for her behaviour.
Lots of people grieve for their parents, and it does take time, but after a year she should have come to terms with it enough not to try to spoil your day.
Please don't feel guilty, you have done the right thing.