Online emotional affair ended and I can't forget

[mint17]

Hi
I'm writing this even if I know a lot of people is going to write angry replies to me. It's ok, probably I deserve it. But I also know maybe someone has gone thru the same and can help me. The critics also help, I need to confront and talk about something that's been a secret for a long time.
I had an emotional affair that lasted almost 3 years. It was an old acquaintance that contacted me saying he had always had a major crush on me. We lived very far away, he had a girlfriend and I was married with kids, but I felt flattered and started talking to him, as I found he was an intelligent, interesting man.
He kept saying how beautiful I was, how much he thought of me and we started talking every day, all day. He become the first thing I thought of when waking up and the last thing on my mind before going to bed. He was obsessed with talking to me, calling me, seeing pics of me. And I became obsessed too. I tried to walk away a couple of times but always came back because I missed him so much.
My husband is a nice man, attractive and very kind. To be honest, I still don't know why I did this to him. He is not perfect but he is one of the best men I've ever known. I just got caught, the adrenaline, the love words, his intensity, the sexting. I wasn't smart enough to scape.
After a year he told me he was getting married, maybe, because he knew he could make a life with me. But I told him to propose anyway because we haven't even seen each other. He got married but we kept on and off. Trying to do the right thing but then falling back into talking. I went to see him on a desperate attempt to see if it was real and he didn't want to show up. In the end he did but he was so nervous and scared that we only talked for 20 minutes. And then, he tried for 2 years to show me he regretted it and that he wanted a second chance to see me. So we planned a second meeting but then he told me he lost his job, he was depressed and couldn't deal with anything. He just left. No explanation. I contacted him a couple of times but he says he can't explain, not saying good bye but then going silent. I've tried to let him go but I still think of him every single day, I feel so bad, so sad, I feel used, I can't understand. Maybe he did it because I couldn't offer him a real relationship but why he doesn't say so... why the cruelty of just going silent and say he is "figuring out". I know for sure he is over me. I wish he had the courage to say so.
And meanwhile I'm trying to be happy with all that I have, that is a lot, but I can't. I'm stuck with all this in my mind, no one to talk to.
I regret so much, if you ever feel tempted please don't do it because then your life never goes back to be what it was. Stay faithful. I wish I could be sure one day I'll be ok.

Oh OP. No criticism from me. We all make mistakes.

Take it one day at a time - and block him from all social media. Work on your marriage, be honest with yourself about how that is going.

I wasn't smart enough to scape.

You claim that you regret it, but I don’t think you do. Regretting it would mean actually acknowledging your role in all of this, owning up to the fact that this was entirely your choice, you chose to repeatedly betray your husband. The sentence I quoted speaks volumes tbf, you say you ‘weren’t smart enough to escape’, you’re placing the blame on anyone else but you, saying it was down to being dumb why you didn’t end it. If you were smart enough to develop and conceal an affair for several years it’s laughable to also try claim the reason you didn’t end it was because you weren’t smart enough.

This whole post is about you, how you feel, how hard this is, very little about your husband. It’s just me, me, me.

I hope so much your husband finds out so he has the dignity of choosing whether to be with you or not. If you felt any remorse you’d tell him yourself. What a selfish fool you’re being.

You can’t forget? Good. Hopefully if you never forget you won’t do this again. If you’re not telling your husband I guess this is your penance. Which means you get off pretty much scot free compared to the actual real consequences you’d rightly face if you loved or respected your husband enough to tell him the truth...

You sound like you wouldn't have stopped, you were willing to make it physical and that you are trying to continue contact from this post.

You know it's wrong, respect your AP decision to draw a line under it, and move on. It's hard but he owes you nothing, both of you owe your partners respect, chasing this man is not respectful.

EAs are hard on all parties but if you hadn't indulged you wouldn't be hurting now. Save future hurt and walk away and work on your marriage if you still love you DH

You may regret it but you’re still at it! Wanting it to continue and thinking about himevety day.

I feel so sorry for your H. His marriage is a lie.

You need to go and get some therapy because you’re leading a double life, having an emotional affair and being unfaithful to your H.

Thanks for the replies. I'm very grateful also for the backlashes because they help me a lot to get insight about my wrongdoings.
The only thing I want to clarify, because my first post was vague on it is that I actually had searched for professional help twice and both times I was adviced not to confess to my husband. The reason is because the therapists believe I do love my husband and I'm just into this like a disgusting crack addict is on drugs. I have thought of telling him anyway because he deserves better but I don't think we deserves to be hurt. I don't know what to do on that end.

The man you are pining for will come back to you. I'd say work on closing down how you feel about him. He already knows what your like which was ok for him, but, he wouldn't want a partner that has an emotional affair. The hypocrisy and double standards of what some people really think of their affair partner is staggering.

You met up once. He blew it. You can only handle each other when talking & sexting. You have become two players in your own love story as written by yourselves.

He's married but now wants time to figure out how he feels. You're just hoping he picks you, aren't you ?

If you ever got with him and were talking instead of corresponding he would seem two dimensional.

At that point you would wonder, who is he texting ? Why is he so secretive with his phone ?

You would miss the steady, cosy, familiarity you have with your husband.

Deal with your emotions. You've got a lot of work to do. What was missing from your relationship when this Emotional Affair started ?

Your husband won't really understand. You can't control his response. Don't rock the boat.

You didn't have sex with your affair partner. Just remember that. So, you're going to confess to talking ? Not worth the aggro IMO. (I'll probably be flamed for saying that.)

I just got caught, the adrenaline

I wasn’t smart enough to escape

I'm just into this like a disgusting crack addict is on drugs

What utter tosh. You make it out like you had no control over your actions, it’s utter rubbish.

I feel sorry for your DH, you should tell him so he can decide if he wants to continue a relationship with a wife who’s been cheating on him for years and is still wanting the OM.

Thanks so much ToEarlyDecorations! That's precisely why I tried to walk away in the beginning and never humored him about a life together. Because how could we trust each other then.
About what you ask, to be honest, I don't want him to pick me. I want him to at least acknowledge I didn't do this on my own, he pushed a lot for that meeting and then ran away. A goodbye doesn't seem too much to ask. I know I deserve nothing from him, my husband or life because I've been an idiot. I was obsessed with the idea of seeing him to get over him, like if I could have the real version of him, I would be cured... but didn't happened and I need to feel glad about it. I'm desperate to stop feeling hurt and start feeling relieved. I can't control my feelings, I know I'm wrong but keep feeling sad.

I've just ended an online emotional affair, and am in the beginning of the stages of a new one.

I understand completely what you are going through. I think it's not only about the person themselves, but there is almost an addiction to the way of life - the feeling that you have your real life and partner, and also someone else who is on your side, and your secret.

It can be hard to recover from, there is a loneliness there, a real loss. I've also realised that next time around, I want someone more than just online. But that's me.

You need to focus on filling that part of your life with something new. And telling your DH would only cause him to go through pain.

Pathetic so much bullshit and selfishness tell your DH who you really are or leave him

I think some people on this thread are kidding themselves that an online affair isn’t as bad as RL one.

I want him to at least acknowledge I didn't do this on my own, he pushed a lot for that meeting and then ran away. A goodbye doesn't seem too much to ask

Don't get hung up on the idea of needing him to "give you closure" or thinking that it would somehow be easier on you if he'd "just done xyz". I know it's comforting to think that you wouldn't feel so bad if he'd explained WHY he didn't want to continue this weird, duplicitous, unsatisfactory ego boost of a fake relationship with you, but be honest - you're sad it's over not "confused" as to why. Most of the reason we want answers in this situation is so that we could try to argue the other person round, anyway.

If you need closure, give it to yourself. Pick a reason why it's over and believe that . My guess is that he got bored of you and moved on to someone else, or his wife found out and he threw you under the bus.

OP do you think the reason you felt the compulsion to continue this affair was because your life lacks excitement or purpose?

You didn't mention if you're a SAHM but if you don't work and your DC are school age I think it's very easy to fall into the trap of seeking excitement online in some form, because you need to do SOMETHING apart from household tasks.

You need to find something that fills the hole in your life that this OM did. Otherwise you'll end up doing this again. If you don't work and your DC are school age then look for a job around school hours, or volunteering opportunities. If you are working, is your job boring? In that case could you look to take a sideways step, or retrain for another career that offers you more? Or if it's the other way around and too stressful, start doing something that gives you relief from the stress - yoga? Regular gym sessions? A weekly massage?

I agree with the advice you've been given previously to NOT tell your DH, unless he's likely to find out about this.

I believe there is a "No contact" thread on the Relationships board which would probably help you, because that's what you need to do to break your addiction to this man. Total NC - block him on every channel.

No judgement from me - I started an online affair with the man who became my late husband. (Although I did leave my then partner within a month.)

I have very recently been on the other end and discovered my hubby has been having an emotional affair with someone online. It has absolutely destroyed me and I am in so much pain because of this betrayal. If you love your husband you will not do this to him, it's as simple as that. My hubby has been honest and we are trying to work through it, but the hurt and damage he has caused by doing this is going to be very hard to overcome.

You need to decide what you want and stick with that decision. It's not fair on the partners involved for this to continue.

My gosh ..you were played ..

Op with all respect you're in pixie land...

You're playing Russian roulette with your marriage for the sake of some mills and boon style fantasy; you're not in love with this person, its called limerance.

I agree with @NotTheFordType that there is certainly a void in your life somewhere.

If your husband is not the man for you then stop procrastinating via escapism and end the marriage. If he is you need to sort yoursef out, take responsibility, and stop with the lame excuses about closure....to me it sounds like you're scared to look reality in the face.

If you married this other man a few years down the line you would become restless and the same thing would happen again.

What you are achieving with this escapist behaviour is akin to bailing water out of a sinking boat instead of repairing the hole.

The root cause of this needs to be examined, be honest with yourself and go from there.

Good luck.

I am sorry to say this OP, but the affair was all in his head. Meeting up with you made it all too real, and you couldn't live up to the fantasy.
That's why he started going cold on you after both meets.
I would be surprised if he is actually as interested in you as you perceive him to be.

He ran away twice.... Theres your answer.

I guess you are all right. I was living in pixie land. I feel more close to reality now. I’m so sorry @FilamentBabe that you are going through finding out your DH did that. It’s a horrible thing to do and as far as I’m concerned I would never do it again. If it’s of any consolation I can assure you that it is possible to love your partner a lot and still fall into the trap (or stupid ego boost as someone said, which is probably why you feel so “high”).
I am sure I want to stay with my husband but I think it’s only fair to confess and let him decide if he wants me or not. If he decides he doesn’t, it will be all my fault

My DH also did this to me.And yes, it is as bad as a RL affair.
Lies, deceit and betrayal are all the same.And when you go to other people outside your marriage for your needs to be fulfilled It is a huge boundary crossed.
I think you should tell him.There is always a chance he will find out and it is better for you to confess.BUT only if you are truly remorseful and not try to justify yourself.

It is very strange but after dealing for a long time, opening this threat has been really helpful. When you can't talk about something and spend time arguing only with yourself, is insane how much bs goes thru your mind. I am really really sorry for all those that are on the other side. I am grateful about my husband and only now (I know, it took me a lot) understand that he is my one true love, but he deserves to know who is he with.
Maybe he can find a way to forgive me, maybe not, but staying in the dark will only make me a bad person. Maybe if I end up without him, I'll grow up from this.
The grey area was not that grey at all. I wanted to be with this other man for an adventure and that is wrong. Wrong and not worth it.
I am happy now he sent me off. And I hope never to hear from him again.

Having been on the receiving end of this kind of crap, confess OP, my H never did but I found a load of evidence 11 years later. I think if he had confessed at the time and said he had an issue I would have found it much easier to work through. As it is, I don’t feel the same partly because of hiding this stuff in all different places in his office.

Glad to hear this from your perspective.My DH now says that he realised that I am his one true love ...So he could possibly be telling the truth.And he wants forgiveness but knows it will be hard and a chance I might leave.And even says Wrong and not worth it and never again.
Hearing you say that this is really the way it is for you does make me think it might be possible to believe him.
And yes, I would have much rather he told me and not to have found out myself.
Hope your DH and you can make it

I think it's very important Ferfecksake to believe what the OP said. My H said exactly the same thing. He used it as a distraction and an ego boost when other real life shit was happening but he loved me just the same as always. Problem is not sure if I feel the same about him now! Life's a bitch sometimes