Online emotional affair ended and I can't forget

[mint17]

Hi
I'm writing this even if I know a lot of people is going to write angry replies to me. It's ok, probably I deserve it. But I also know maybe someone has gone thru the same and can help me. The critics also help, I need to confront and talk about something that's been a secret for a long time.
I had an emotional affair that lasted almost 3 years. It was an old acquaintance that contacted me saying he had always had a major crush on me. We lived very far away, he had a girlfriend and I was married with kids, but I felt flattered and started talking to him, as I found he was an intelligent, interesting man.
He kept saying how beautiful I was, how much he thought of me and we started talking every day, all day. He become the first thing I thought of when waking up and the last thing on my mind before going to bed. He was obsessed with talking to me, calling me, seeing pics of me. And I became obsessed too. I tried to walk away a couple of times but always came back because I missed him so much.
My husband is a nice man, attractive and very kind. To be honest, I still don't know why I did this to him. He is not perfect but he is one of the best men I've ever known. I just got caught, the adrenaline, the love words, his intensity, the sexting. I wasn't smart enough to scape.
After a year he told me he was getting married, maybe, because he knew he could make a life with me. But I told him to propose anyway because we haven't even seen each other. He got married but we kept on and off. Trying to do the right thing but then falling back into talking. I went to see him on a desperate attempt to see if it was real and he didn't want to show up. In the end he did but he was so nervous and scared that we only talked for 20 minutes. And then, he tried for 2 years to show me he regretted it and that he wanted a second chance to see me. So we planned a second meeting but then he told me he lost his job, he was depressed and couldn't deal with anything. He just left. No explanation. I contacted him a couple of times but he says he can't explain, not saying good bye but then going silent. I've tried to let him go but I still think of him every single day, I feel so bad, so sad, I feel used, I can't understand. Maybe he did it because I couldn't offer him a real relationship but why he doesn't say so... why the cruelty of just going silent and say he is "figuring out". I know for sure he is over me. I wish he had the courage to say so.
And meanwhile I'm trying to be happy with all that I have, that is a lot, but I can't. I'm stuck with all this in my mind, no one to talk to.
I regret so much, if you ever feel tempted please don't do it because then your life never goes back to be what it was. Stay faithful. I wish I could be sure one day I'll be ok.

If I were you I would delete absolutely everything of this, everything. Wipe any old phones, close your e mail account & open a new one if you ever used that or you used it to book any travel or anything to do with this. Block this man on absolutely everything, if that means getting a new phone number, do it.
Eveytime you think of him replace that thought with a thought of something you love about your husband.

Then stop wasting your mental energy on this & start thinking about your marriage, if you were totally happy at home then this wouldn't have been able to happen & continue for so long. Has the spark gone with your husband? Are you getting to spend quality time as a couple? Have a good think about that & what you can do so that you & him can both feel you have everything you need in real life, not over messages from the internet. Stop asking yourself why this man has shut down on you & start asking what you were lacking in the first place to let it happen.

Hi @Ferfeckssake
I honestly can tell you that even when I was deep in fantasyland I knew my husband was my true love. The only thing I can compare this to is an addiction. My DH and my AP in my mind weren't at the same level at all, it was like having a heroin shot behind my family's back, which is horrible and withdrawal is too. But is not love. Now I see it. And I guess my AP saw it too as for him there was no need to have closure. You don't have closure with drugs, you just dump them to the trash and try to be better for the ones you truly love. I read an article that says that online emotional affairs are not about the AP, but about our own projections. As the other person is intangible you just put into them whatever suits better your fantasies. Is very dangerous but it has NOTHING to do with your partner. As a matter of fact, I see my DH in a better light now, I see how amazing he is and I'm so scared to lose him. I know he is going to be hurt and it breaks my heart to think that he is going to feel that even for a split second. I need to stay strong to confess. I just don't want to see him disgusted about me. I now for sure that if he leaves me, I'll never find someone like him.
And yes, I was filling a void, but it was a void due to my problems, my traumas, it had nothing to do with my husband or how he was with me. It was about me wanting to be the center of attention, feeling important, desired and all that nonsense that movies tell you about.The high of a first date that is completely not worth of losing a beautiful nice family and an amazing husband.
Gosh, I'm so scared now.

Do not tell your husband!

It's over, you were stupid but it's done - move on, forgive yourself, and never repeat it 😘

Your honesty and insight is refreshing op. Perhaps it might be an idea to wait and consider more if you really want to tell your DH about all this. Be very aware that things will never be the same between you.

I've been feeling the same way as you except that it was the end of a normal relationship - neither of us was involved with anyone else. I'm deeply sad it didn't work out and I still don't really know why.

Finewords got is spot on upthread. Most of the reason we want answers in this situation is so that we could try to argue the other person round, anyway.

I'm beginning to realise that the person I thought I was in a relationship with isn't that person at all. In fact the relationship wasn't all that great either. It's just that I focus on missing the best bits and punishing myself for not getting it right or being good enough for it to work.

Affairs of any type are usually about the person who is having the affair not feeling good enough. Perhaps the most important thing to do is to accept what is and work on our self esteem.

With you now considering tell your DH I also wonder if you might be a little addicted to drama.

I see two unhappy people. OP and her EA man. No confident, secure and centred person engages in a cat-and-mouse (or perhaps Mills-and-Boon?) talk relationship for three years. Something is missing in your life OP and you need to figure out what that is.

In the first line of your OP you wrote: I'm writing this even if I know a lot of people is going to write angry replies to me. It's ok, probably I deserve it. which says to me you came on here to be punished. You feel bad and you want strangers to condemn your actions. Inside, you feel intense shame. If that is close to the truth, perhaps a deep part of you wants to confide in your husband but you aren't brave enough yet. Prevaricating on MN won't help you face who you need to face.

Good luck in what follows. Be brave. The worst we expect very often doesn't happen, and even when it does, it's often not as bad as we think it will be.

I don't think that you should confess OP. I usually advocate honesty but I can't see the long term benefit here. Delete everything, block him (change email address if necessary) and focus on your OH.

Your insight has been interesting to me and made me see my own situation in a different light. I'm quite black and white when it comes to affairs, I love my hubby so would never do it to him. So I struggled to believe that he could love me as much as he says he does and yet do something that hurts me so badly. But hearing things from your viewpoint has made me feel that maybe he could be feeling the same. We have had a very tough year, having our 3rd child and I've had pnd so he might have been looking for a bit of escapism and some one to talk to. Which is pretty much what he admitted to me but I didn't really believe it and thought there must be more to it.

I do think you should tell your hubby, he deserves to know. Am I any happier for knowing about my hubby's EA....definitely not. But our relationship is now on an honest platform and it has helped us see that we need to prioritise our relationship more. For the most part I have already forgiven my hubby, I've seen how sorry and remorseful he is. It is just going to take a long time before I can trust him again and feel fully secure in our marriage.

I hope you can find a way to move forward OP.

Actually Supersuper, I think OP needs to focus on herself rather than OP. She needs to sort out what's wrong in her head/heart/life before being fully available to her partner. I think there is a lot of self-denial and self-flagellation in OP's posts, sadly.

You need to accept that you can’t control other people. Not the OM and his actions nor your husband (because, whether you recognise it or not, you’re controlling his actions merely by withholding this from him.)

Oh just pack it in with the pity party.

Tell your husband what you did so he can chuck your relationship in the bin and be with someone that loves and respects him because that's not you.

But you won't because you are a Coward.

Do you know how many women want a kind, attractive man and you're sitting all over yours.

I can guarantee you that if you were a man your balls would've been handed to you on a plate but for some reason when a woman posts this she almost gets a pat on the back.

Stop comparing drugs to what you've done.

You did it freely and were willing.

Actually Myheart, the drugs analogy is a very valid one. Addictions, whether they be to drugs or a fantasy (or shopping, or eating) come about because of a pre-existing pain. OP is suffering and has been since before the affair started - that is why she became 'addicted' to this fantasy affair in the first place. She just doesn't understand the root of that pain yet.

I don't think that you should confess OP. I usually advocate honesty but I can't see the long term benefit here

The benefit is to the OP’s husband. He deserves to know that his wife has been cheating, he deserves to be able to make a decision about whether he wants to stay married to a cheat or not.

OP is suffering and has been since before the affair started - that is why she became 'addicted' to this fantasy affair in the first place

Piffle.

@Myheartbelongsto @FissionChips I would have said the same thing to myself 3 years ago. To give you context I'm someone that has never cheated on anyone, not even a one.month long boyfriend, not even while on long distance relationships. I was strongly against cheaters and very vocal about it. The problem with EA is that they start as something that seems unharmful and then become a bomb on your hand which, of course, you have to drop... but you don't, which makes me very guilty.
So I think you are right about me being the worst, but the drug comparison is on spot because hey! why can't alcoholics stop drinking if everyone can? are they damaged? yes. Do they deserve their family? probably not.
And you are right i was a coward, but i'm not anymore. I've talked to my husband. And I'm done with the self pity, now I'm into taking responsibility and he will decide if an online affair is something he can forgive.

Oh wow, OP, you are saying EXACTLY what my DH tries to explain it to me about his EA.
And the "addiction" analogy is also EXACTLY what our therapist said last week.
I am very cynical , thought he was trying to justify himself and my first reaction was LTB - and many MNers told me to.
I am glad I didn't act immediately .Agreed to continue therapy and maybe, just maybe this marriage can be saved.
Be patient with your DH.It will take a while for the initial shock and dismay to wear off.Hopefully , he will stick around long enough to be able to try and process it.
If it is what you both want, you may have a chance.
Thank you for posting .It is rare to hear this side of an affair that is honest .Ignore the "pity party" comment.
If only human relationships were always so black and white.!!We are all flawed in some way and do make mistakes.Your remorse seems genuine and I wish you well.

Whatever you do, OP, DON’T tell your DH. Why inflict all that pain on him when you don’t have to?

Just make sure you never contact your AP again. Block him everywhere. You’ll still think about him every day, possibly for years, but that is your pain to carry. Leave your poor DH out of it.

I know whereof I speak. I made the same terrible mistake 11 years ago. I only started to recover when I finally blocked the guy and never contacted him again.

I went through years of pain. I deserved it.

Oops. Too late.

Don't tell your husband, you will alleviate your guilt but devastate him in the process.

Well, as you know I did confess. I didn’t explain to him the detail to be honest because I do believe he doesn’t deserve the pain. I just told him that I felt that I owed him an explanation about my odd behaviour, that I had an emotional affair with someone but it was now over.
He had absolutely no idea what an EA was but I told him the basics. I felt so bad when I did. I realised how stupid the whole situation I put myself in was.
When I finished talking he was very serious and said that he didn’t want to see me so he went for a long walk... longest hour of my life.
When he came back he said something I’m still shocked about, he is absolutely one of a kind. He said he was very pissed off at me but that he some years ago had a strong addiction to watching porn that he never told me about, hiding and all. He said that even what I did was way worst he could kind of relate. He said that I’ve been always loving and caring to him so he has no doubt I love him but he needs to trust me and that was going to be hard to get back. He said he wanted to work on it if I wanted to. Of course I said yes... and now he is scheming some kind of thing to renew our vows.
Some days are harder than others but I’m seeing my DH in a way that is making me love him even more. He is strong and so straightforward... now I’m scared that karma could take him away from me one day. But I’ll try to stay positive. Ughhhh what a waste of time, energy and big big risk was my EA. I wish I could go back in time and slap myself

All the best to you and your husband.

What a ridiculous story which is supported by it's ridiculous end. This man played you and wasted endless amounts of your time. It was all in your heads and was never real as he proved when you attempted to meet. You were just a fantasy and he never really wanted you at all, he just enjoyed the online attention. Why can you not see this as it is staring you in the face?

It's ok, probably I deserve it.

Probably?

I hope you can work this our and avoid hurting your husband again if that's what you've chosen. And I hope you've blocked absolutely all forms of contact from the other man.

@crimsonlake hi, of course now I realise what you are saying. I wish I could give you a plausible explanation about why I didn’t before. We used to talk everyday so it was difficult to see things in hand sight as I do now. But what I can say is that part of my obsession to see him was about putting him on a “real” frame. Talking to him, seeing him for real was, in my opinion, a good way to see he wasn’t all that amazing, etc. So I could get over it. Now I see I should have just be a better woman and get over it without messing around my family. I didn’t. And I feel dumb. And I know my husband is trying to find a way to make it not the end of the world. I think he does appreciate that I confessed but I don’t know if deep down he would have rather stayed in the dark about this. I feel bad and stupid. I can’t explain, not even to myself, what was all about. I hate to think about it because you are right, it was SO obvious. We have a mutual acquaintance and one day she was talking about him and described him as a “no person”. I should have listened but at that moment I was so into him that I thought “she doesn’t know him like I do”. Now I roll my eyes to myself but I can’t change the past! I wish I could

Hi, would you mind if I PM you?