*Boyfriend pushed me during argument for the first time - Should I leave?*

[helen1819]

I don't know if I should leave my boyfriend for physically pushing me during an argument for the first time a week ago. I said nothing abusive or insulting to him beforehand, and was shocked at how aggressive he became midway through our conversation, yelling and then pushing me.

I left after it happened and he apologized profusely when I finally got back home. He said he did it because his past wife had been emotionally abusive towards him, and that it would not happen again.

He has treated me like a queen since we started dating 6 months ago, but I still get upset about what happened last week. Is it an outlier that won't repeat itself, or has a line been crossed that will lead to the erosion of boundaries and respect? Thank you so much for your thoughts.

I would go...there are some things that you can’t come back from, and for me, this would be such a red flag I wouldn’t wait to hang around to see if it was just a one-off

You know he’s crossed a line that’s why you’re posting. Six months I’d expect nothing but best bbehaviour and blaming his ex oh piss off hes abusive he’s showing you that, I’d have ended it but I guess we all have different tolerances.

That would be it for me. How many men say they’ll never do it again? How dare he blame his ex for the way he treated you.

‘For the first time’ - exactly. It will happen again, and then worse, and then worse.
Do not give him the chance.

Leave.

He's done it once , you'll forever be on your best behaviour in fear of it happening again. That's no way to live.

Personally I would leave. Six months in people are still on their best behaviour. His is apparently to be physically violent and blame his ex for it. Red flags ahoy.

Run.

Red flag number one is that he gets aggressive and physical with you after only six months (although that behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable after any length of time).

Red flag number two is that he blamed his ex wife for ‘making him’ do it.

You know this is bullshit. And you know what you need to do.

I was together with my ex-partner for over 30 years. Towards the end of our relationship he hit me for the first time, very lightlymore a tap on the cheekdidn't hurt--but I did feel he crossed a line and I could not go back from that. He was having an affair at the time and I had confronted him. So due to the collection of events, I left him. I should say, he was and is a nice man and did apologise afterwards. But the trust was gone, both from the 'tap' on the cheek and the affair. My new partner has never touched me in a negative way and says he has never hit a woman. I believe him.

Leave. Sounds like a tosser.

Leave. Otherwise he will assume that it's 'not too bad' and you brushed it under the carpet last time, so it 'can't have upset you too much'

No-one is worth the abuse or violence.

Thank you so much for the responses so far. I want to provide you with additional information, which might make the picture clearer.

Before and since the event he has treated me extremely well, and I do not feel scared of him at all. In fact he treats me like a precious flower.

Also, the push was not very strong - I was sitting in a chair and he had gotten up in anger and pushed my shoulder.

I might be making up excuses, but thought this would be helpful for you to know.

It isn’t helpful. He pushed you and blamed his ex.

My ex did something similar and I warned him that if he ever did it again, I would leave. It took several years but he did eventually repeat it and as a result of that and some other things, I did leave him. Unfortunately, these incidents are rarely a one-off and tend to escalate. After six months, I’d cut your losses.

Wow - yes, he has crossed that line.
And he's not taking accountability for it by blaming his ExW!?
Do you know the ExW?
Could you talk to her?
Pushing you, 6 months in, I would assume he was the one who was abusive and not the ExW.
Cut your losses now.
This will be in the back your mind forever more and you will walking on eggshells wondering if it will happen again.
You know what to do.
So sorry this happened to you.

You are making excuses. You were no where near him and he came up to you and pushed you.

Time to go.

You're minimising. Please leave him op.

I don't want you back here in a year telling us that he bruised you.

Soooo it was another woman's fault that he pushed you?

6 months in?

You need to dump him.

If he's telling the truth about being abused previously, he needs therapy and not to be in a relationship while he can't control himself.

What does “he treats me like a precious flower” actually mean?

It’s only been a week. Of course he’s on his best behaviour.

Leave. My ex also had excuses. He also had periods of treating me really well. You don't need that stress in your life. Soon you'll start walking on eggshells just in case...

No one can say for certainty that this was a one off or indication of a likely pattern of behaviour that will continue.

However, whether a one off, or start of something bigger, it has still happened. He has shown you that - for him - an argument can and has led to aggressive and violent behaviour, regardless whatever excuse he gave for it.

Arguments are part and parcel of being in a relationship and can actually be healthy as a means to working through differences in opinion to reach compromise. They WILL happen throughout your life with whatever partner you choose, no matter how reasonable and understanding you both are.

So if arguments are inevitable, and he has shown you arguments can lead to him acting violently, why would you want to stay and test whether this violence will escalate?

I won't tell you what to do, only you can make that decision. But if I was in this situation, I would take the warning as a blessing and leave, as the risk of the violence escalating is not one I would like to take.

I'm not sure if I would leave someone for pushing me - it depends on so many other circumstances. I would consider leaving someone (his ex) for their own bad behaviour. You've now gone from the victim, to having to feel sorry for him.

6 months in I would just split from him and be glad I hadn't invested any more time. my standards for men don't include someone pushing me or touching me aggressively. end of story.

The fact that he treats you like "a precious flower" and immediately blamed another woman for his violence would also be red flags for me tbh.

I agree-go now.
Treating you like a precious flower is a red flag too. It’s very condescending- He is treating you as though you are helpless and too fragile to function without him. Covert control.

DH and I have had some absolute humdingers of rows in our time. Proper, epic arguments where you have to stop in the middle and drink a glass of water before you carry on.

But we have never, ever called each other names or sworn at each other and we have never ever laid a finger on one another.

He didn’t just push your shoulder, he was pushing your boundaries. And the fact that he isn’t owning his behaviour and isn’t full of remorse just makes me think it’s more likely that he’ll do this again at some point.

Treating you like a ‘precious flower’ is concerning too. This sounds like he is putting you up on a pedestal, which is just a prettier way of saying ‘setting you up to fail’.

Not one single thing you’ve posted about him has made him sound good OP. Even the examples you give of him being ‘nice’ are dodgy.

One word :

YES.