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Original poster

DH been offered a secondment abroad

56 replies

Cabbagesoupsucks · 18/01/2019 11:41

DH has been offered a 6 month secondment to another country for work. It's in Asia so not the shortest flight. We have 2 DC age 5&7 and I'm just not sure what to say. He is excited. I should support that. But at the same time I'm worried how it will impact us as a family, him not being here. We haven't yet found out what the company will pay for e.g. our flights to visit him, his flights home etc.
He hasn't said yes yet and wants to find out a bit more info.

Wwyd

OP posts:
Parthenope · 18/01/2019 11:43

Go with him? Can you take some unpaid work leave?

CrazySheepLady · 18/01/2019 11:49

If at all possible (your work/childcare needs would be covered, for example) I'd let him take this opportunity. It could be financially lucrative and great for his career in the long run, which will benefit you all.

As for the absence, six months might seem long, but it's no time at all and will fly on by, even more so if there are visits. I was an Army wife and I found separations tough but manageable, and the time did fly.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 18/01/2019 12:00

Wow, that’s amazing! What an exciting opportunity.

Has he accepted? It seems from your post like you didn’t have any say in whether he agreed to this or not? I find that really bizarre that a husband/father would decide to accept being on the other side of the world for six months apart from his wife and kids without thoroughly discussing it with you first. How are things between the two of you lately?

Adora10 · 18/01/2019 12:00

Wouldn’t be something I’d agree with, he is as responsible as me for his kids, working away during the week fine but no not working on other side of works for half a year.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 18/01/2019 12:01

Sorry, I did see he hasn’t said yes yet. But still, the tone of your post implies it’s probably a done deal you’re trying to come to terms with rather than something you both need to discuss before making a joint agreement?

Beaverhausen · 18/01/2019 12:01

I would support my partner 100%. It is a great opportunity.

Adora10 · 18/01/2019 12:01

World not works!

beachyhead · 18/01/2019 12:05

If there is anyway you could all go, you should.... amazing experience. If you can't, you should plan around it, spending all school holidays out there. It's not too long a time and a great opportunity for him and presumably his career, which will benefit his family.

Original poster
Cabbagesoupsucks · 18/01/2019 12:17

It's not a done deal. We need more information to make the decision. I don't want to hold him back if he wants to go. But I do worry it'll change the relationship he has with our kids and even with me. What if it becomes longer? No practical way for us all to go. I'd have to give up my business and the kids schooling would be an issue. I worry I'll resent him going. But maybe that's just fear and it does sound awesome spending the summer abroad.

OP posts:
whynot93 · 18/01/2019 12:24

Wonderful opportunity but let me warn you now.. before you know it he will be leading a single mans life the Skype calls will be less and less and you get zero support with the kids whilst he's out with his new work mates having a ball. My H did this for 18 months and I uncovered a double life. Not suggesting your will but believe it's rife .. sadly I found out the hard way that supporting someone else career path and giving the a free reign can lead to a broken family.

NameChangeNugget · 18/01/2019 12:34

I would give my 100% support for this

Onemansoapopera · 18/01/2019 12:40

I don't see how he can when he had two children to raise.

Adora10 · 18/01/2019 12:41

Really an individual decision only you can make OP, it just riles me a bit that men seem to be able to just swan off from their responsibilities; two kids under five is bloody hard work.

He'll be lucky if he sees them once in six months, that is a long time when kids are that age, he will miss a lot of milestones, unless the money is out of this world I don't really see a massive reason for him taking the secondment.

User20288 · 18/01/2019 12:45

OP I was in this situation a few years ago but without dc.

I wish I had just focused on the positives and shared in DPs excitement. So many people do this even with dc - whether they join on visit. It would be a great experience for you too even if you had a few holidays there.

I think he needs to consider what can be done to help whilst he’s gone though - for instance will there be more money, can you get extra help? It should be a joint thing not just all about him.

But again..look for the positives for you, Asia would be a great experience to visit and when someone is employed there it’s a very cheap way to do it

User20288 · 18/01/2019 12:45

*join or

Brakebackcyclebot · 18/01/2019 12:48

It sounds amazing!

My dad spent several stints working abroad when I was young. In the Middle East and Africa. Varied from 3 months, to 6 months I think. I don't really even remember. I found letters he'd written to us the other day and looked through them - it sounded like he missed Christmas one year. I can't even remember that!

If this secondment is to somewhere you can all go and visit for the whole summer, then that could be a massive opportunity for all of you.

SuperSuperSuper · 18/01/2019 12:57

You could go out there for May half term and during the summer. He can come home for a week. It sounds like a good opportunity. I'd ensure it doesn't extend indefinitely though.

OopsInamechangedagain · 18/01/2019 13:06

I would heed whynot93's warning.

How much would you as a family benefit from this secondment?

ElvisParsley · 18/01/2019 13:30

How much would you as a family benefit from this secondment?

Probably enhanced salary, future promotion opportunity, that kind of thing. Short term pain for long term security etc.

For 6 months, absolutely he should go for it. Plenty of families (e.g. military) cope with extended absences where they can't meet up at all. Depending on when it would start, there are plenty of holidays - you could go out for the whole summer (assuming you are a SAHM), or at least for half terms or shorter periods if you do. He will more than likely have flights back to the UK paid during that time too.

Original poster
Cabbagesoupsucks · 18/01/2019 13:44

I don't think any extra money. But more experience and reputation. It's just a different direction to the way he has been building his career so far. I'd have less of an issue if it was Europe and quicker to fly to and from.

OP posts:
hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 18/01/2019 13:54

6 months is not that long. And I guess you could join him for the summer?

Sounds like a great opportunity.

Parthenope · 18/01/2019 13:57

Then I wouldn't support this, personally. I have done things to facilitate DH's career in the past, pre-DS and when they could be done without undue negative effect on my work I moved to the ME with him for a year as an experiment, for instance, while working remotely but now I'm concentrating on my own career, and there's a small child into the bargain. I rely on DH doing drop-offs and pick-ups on certain days etc. and doing his full share of the parenting and household gruntwork. My career would be adversely affected if he disappeared for six months, whether it was to Berlin or Bahrain. Which he knows, so it's highly unlikely he would even suggest it.

Adora10 · 18/01/2019 13:58

Totally agree OP, no more money and other side of the world, would that also mean him paying for trips back home and vice versa?

Sorry but it just sounds like an opportunity for a single person to me, it's not like you both can't visit Asia in the future.

Whatever, this needs a full frank discussion before he accepts anything.

OopsInamechangedagain · 18/01/2019 13:59

Elvis I was asking a genuine question, I wasn't implying there wouldn't be any benefits such as those you mentioned. However you hear of a lot some DHs/DPs working all hours mainly because they want to check out of family life rather than bringing in any significant benefits for the whole family.

OP do you think in your heart of hearts your DH wants to do this for everyone's benefit? Is he usually an engaged father?

Hopoindown31 · 18/01/2019 14:07

If he isn't getting an allowance how is it supposed to work. My DP had a secondent abroad a few years ago. He didn't get a payrise but did get his expenses covered including an allowance which covered a lot of costs at home.