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Original poster

New partner Best Man on Stag Do

58 replies

PepperJ · 17/01/2019 10:43

I’ve namechanged for this.

I have been with DP for 6 months but we were friends for a long time first. We have known each other for 10 years or so socially and got together recently having both come out of marriages.

He is going to be best man for his younger brother and they are going to Marbella for the stag do. He has told me that they probably will go to a lap dancing club and asked me if I am ok with him doing so. I don’t want to say no way, but also don’t relish the idea of him going. He says if I am not happy he wonT ho but I don’t want to make him miss the stag. No sure what to say

OP posts:
Daffodil2018 · 17/01/2019 10:45

I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it as long as he doesn’t have a lap dance himself. It’s good that he is being honest with you about the plans - I think you should treat him like an adult and trust him to behave himself.

Original poster
PepperJ · 17/01/2019 10:50

Thanks Daffodil, I have asked me not to have a dance and he says of course not. But I have an slight issue with him going in that there will be topless women/ Just wearing a thong working behind the bar and I feel a bit jealous about that too

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 17/01/2019 10:52

My DP knows I would not be impressed at all, we have discussed it, however I know that there will be times when it happens (such as a stag) - I don't want to hear about it, and he can't expect me to just be fine, however if he ever got a lap dance then it'd be over.

magoria · 17/01/2019 10:53

Isn't the point of going to a lap dancing club to get lap dances? I wouldn't be happy with that.

The stag is a holiday abroad he would be skipping a (hopefully) tiny part of the time. Not missing out at all.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2019 10:55

If you have an issue with it, tell him. Even though you've known him years, the relationship is still quite new. Set your boundaries now.

Shoxfordian · 17/01/2019 10:56

I wouldn't be thrilled about it either. He's the best man so if he's organising it then its his choice to include a lap dancing club. Up to you if its a dealbreaker

Original poster
PepperJ · 17/01/2019 10:57

I’m not really happy about it but don’t want to cause an issue I suppose, given that he is Best Man for his brother.

He has said he won’t get a dance but I am
still not sure if I am comfortable with him being around loss of half naked women

OP posts:
Original poster
PepperJ · 17/01/2019 10:58

Lots of*

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2019 11:00

Why don't you want to cause an issue?

Original poster
PepperJ · 17/01/2019 11:00

It seems to be the done thing amongst his friendship group that a stag do will involve a trip to a strip club. Which is why I am reluctant to be the one who says be can’t ho

OP posts:
OutPinked · 17/01/2019 11:00

You can either pretend to be the ‘cool’ new girlfriend who is perfectly happy with this or you can be honest and explain the thought doesn’t thrill you.

It’s nice of him to ask you if you’re ok with it first, many guys would just go do it and not even tell their partner.

Original poster
PepperJ · 17/01/2019 11:00

I guess they all seem so blasé about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
PepperJ · 17/01/2019 11:01

I don’t want to be the one saying you can’t go

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2019 11:02

He could go to the stag without going to the lap dancing club though.

Shoxfordian · 17/01/2019 11:05

If you don't want to say how you feel then your option is to just put up with it or end it

What's wrong with saying you're not happy? He should listen to your thoughts

Original poster
PepperJ · 17/01/2019 11:05

I know, my fallback option is to say please don’t go to the lap dancing club at all.

I am just wondering if I want to do that and make him be the one not going?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/01/2019 11:06

I would judge a man by the company he keeps

It's the "done thing" for them so expect many more times where you feel you have to stfu to not be seen as a frigid spoilsport

This would not be the man for me. Is he really the man for you and this is the kind of relationship you want ?

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 11:09

Hi op my husband was best man for his brothers wedding, they went to a stag do with his other brothers and friends. My oh didn’t have one but they all sat and watched his brother have a little dance.
They are strange aren’t they men! Lol I was a little bit worried only because I get a little jealous too, but honestly he’s only looking and men look at other women everyday clothes on or off. The only thing I would have a problem with is a private dance but that is just my opinion x

Gooseygoosey12345 · 17/01/2019 11:12

What's the worry about him going? Is it because he'll be around half naked women? Generally they aren't wearing less than a bikini. And if he tells them he's not interested in having a dance they won't bother with him again. The girls are only there to make money, they're not interested in the men at all really. Sounds like he's not the sort to get a dance anyway from what you've said but equally I don't think you have to keep your opinion to yourself either. You need to have the conversation either way

Original poster
PepperJ · 17/01/2019 11:36

He is the man for me, yes. So I am not sure if I want to say he can’t go to the club at all. Or to ask him to go but not get a dance

OP posts:
baubled · 17/01/2019 11:49

You can't tel him not to go but you can tell him how you feel about it, the decision is then up to him.

Justmuddlingalong · 17/01/2019 11:54

If he truly is the man for you, you should be able to confidently discuss anything and everything. You seem very unsure about upsetting the apple cart. Have you been in a relationship before that has been abusive?

Kennycalmit · 17/01/2019 12:01

OP you’re making this hard work

If you don’t want him to go full stop then tell him that and see if he respects your boundaries.
If you don’t want to say “don’t go” then accept he’s going to still go along and see half naked women everywhere

You’re making this a lot harder than it needs to be? You tell him how you feel and go from there...... if you don’t wanna tell him how you really feel then don’t moan about it

ragingmentalist · 17/01/2019 12:07

If he's not getting involved in having a dance, then what is the issue?

Would you get jealous if a bunch of hot women on the beach were topless near him?

He said he won't have a dance. Either trust him, or don't.

TougheningUp · 17/01/2019 12:59

I've been to a lap dancing club. It was horrible. Women with dull eyes, obviously spaced out on something, men leering at them and egging each other on to grope them. Really nasty. I wouldn't be happy with my partner ever going anywhere like that even if he didn't have a dance: they are miserable, exploitative places and the men who go pay money to further the treatment of women as objects.

It's early days in your relationship. If you're at all unhappy with it, tell him. He doesn't have to listen to you, but it will give you a good idea of how he respects women--or not.