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Relationships

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Original poster

New partner Best Man on Stag Do

58 replies

PepperJ · 17/01/2019 10:43

I’ve namechanged for this.

I have been with DP for 6 months but we were friends for a long time first. We have known each other for 10 years or so socially and got together recently having both come out of marriages.

He is going to be best man for his younger brother and they are going to Marbella for the stag do. He has told me that they probably will go to a lap dancing club and asked me if I am ok with him doing so. I don’t want to say no way, but also don’t relish the idea of him going. He says if I am not happy he wonT ho but I don’t want to make him miss the stag. No sure what to say

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2019 13:01

I wouldn’t be happy with that. Those clubs objectify women snc often the women there are taken advantage of and treated badly.

Musti · 17/01/2019 13:05

I wouldn't be happy at all for all sorts of reasons - objectification of women, trafficking, exploitation and also who I'm earth is happy when their partner is looking at naked members of the opposite sex for sexual gratification? Kudos to your boyfriend for checking with you first though.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 13:06

It wouldn't be an issue for me. I would have a problem with a personal lap dance, but not the going in general.

donajimena · 17/01/2019 13:07

I wouldn't be jealous of my OH being around half naked women but I'd be really fucked off if he ever went to one. Women are having an absolute shit time with everyday sexism. The rise of porn is messing with the sex lives of our young due to the normalisation of anal and rough sex.
Lap dancing is just pandering to their entitlement that women exist solely for male pleasure.

OopsInamechangedagain · 17/01/2019 13:13

Would you get jealous if a bunch of hot women on the beach were topless near him?

Presumably he wouldn't have paid them to be topless around him.

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 13:25

Yeah @Tougheningup they are not nice places
I’ve been to one with my oh and his friend years ago as we were in the club downstairs ( it was a nightclub downstairs and lap dance club up the top) a lap dancer sat and spoke to me and was surprised I was there with my oh. She asked me how I had the confidence and I said I don’t but it doesn’t bother me so much as long as he’s not having a private dance I asked her if she had a bf/oh she said yes and she wouldn’t like him going to one 😳strangest thing ever coming from someone who earns a living doing it. A lot of them looked tired and sad tbh

donnas146 · 17/01/2019 13:27

Then again op do you want your bf to be the one lad that doesn’t go because his gf didn’t want him to?
Not that’s there’s anything wrong with you not liking him going, it’s just among men they are likely to take the piss but I really do think you should speak to him about it. I did with my oh before he went on the stag do and he told me he would never pay for a private dance anyway just going for the stag and the laugh.

PurpleWithRed · 17/01/2019 13:30

Ask him how he feels about lapdancing and stripping. Does he consider the women doing it to be ‘empowered’ in some way? Or slags? Or hardworking students making the most of their assets? How would he feel if you suggested it as a way of earning a bit of extra cash? If he was a woman would be do it for men? If he’s hetrosexual, would he do it for men as a nice little earner? What does he think of when he is getting a dance? Does he get a hardon? If he refused to get one would his mates think he was henpecked? Etc etc. Then decide how you feel about that.

Myheartbelongsto · 17/01/2019 13:34

I agree you're making this hard work op.

Just tell him!

I recently told my boyfriend I wasn't happy about something he was invited to do and he didn't do it.

See where honest discussions get you.

SilverLake · 17/01/2019 13:43

Put the ball in his court. Don't accept the role he's trying to push onto you. He gets to chose what kind of man he wants to be in life. You get to chose if you want to be with that kind of man. My kind of man would consider this to be a no go area, and would have the strength of character to give the club a miss.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 17/01/2019 13:54

My advice OP is not that you tell him what he can or can't do, because I don't think that's your place.
However, I think you owe it to yourself to tell him how doing this would make you feel. Then it's his choice whether he does it or not.

But before you do this, I would suggest you take some time to think about exactly what it is that you don't like about this. Personally, I'm the same as several PPs on here (who all put it better than I could) - AnyFucker [LOVE your line about the company he keeps!], PurpleDaisies Musti donajimena.

My DH being around semi-naked women with better bodies than me doesn't bother me (like others have said, he sees it on the beach, etc in any case) and doesn't make me jealous or upset.
But I'd have a major problem with a lap-dancing club because of how it encourages men to view women and because of the whole exploitation aspect.

Frosty66611 · 17/01/2019 14:03

I think you need to be upfront and tell him it’s going to really upset you if he goes.
Yes you might be the “uncool” girlfriend who his mates all take the piss out of for being boring. But the other option is for him to go and for it to cause issues in the relationship as you’ll feel really insecure and resentful.
If you can compromise for him to go inside the club but not have any dances then that might be an option. He’ll see topless women in thongs wandering around and dancing on poles but he’s going to see women wearing just as little on the beaches and by the hotel pool. I went to Marbella with friends a few years ago and there must have been at least 20-30 attractive topless women on the beach at any given time. It’s definitely not the sort of resort you go to if you are prudish or the naked form

Annasgirl · 17/01/2019 14:12

I think you need to be honest with your DP. Why would you pretend to be ok with it? Do the others don’t tease him? Seriously what kind of friends does he have? I know I would run a mile from a guy who thought this was ok - or who hung out with guys like that.

Annasgirl · 17/01/2019 14:12

Sorry, typo - so the others ...

Annasgirl · 17/01/2019 14:13

Also people comparing lap dancing clubs to beaches probably compare relationship sex to prostitution

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 17/01/2019 14:18

we're comparing lap dancing clubs to beaches because the OP's main objection throughout seems to be her other half seeing women without many clothes on, and we're pointing out that'll happen in any case.

Unless I've missed it, the OP doesn't seem to have any objections that aren't related to him seeing women mostly undressed, other than she doesn't want to be seen as a spoilsport.

GraceMarks · 17/01/2019 15:37

OP, if he's the best man, then isn't he the one organising the stag do? Why can't he arrange for them to go to a normal, non-lap-dancing club? It won't be the end of the world if they don't end the night by paying a naked woman to grind herself all over the groom-to-be.

If you don't want him to go, and he's said that he won't go if you ask him not to, then just tell him. You've been this guy's friend for 10 years and you shouldn't be at the stage where you're desperate for him to see you as the "cool girl". Surely he knows you well enough by now that he doesn't expect you to perform a different personality for him?

mogratpineapple · 17/01/2019 18:19

He obviously sees nothing wrong with it, so if you say you're not bothered then he'll go. My point is, his values are that objectifying women is ok. Are you ok with a man who has those values? That is what you have to consider, not whether you should be cool or give permission.

PositiveVibez · 17/01/2019 18:42

He is more than happy to objectify women, but wants your permission to do it.

If you are happy in principle with the sex industry and are just jealous he will be ogling probably sex traffiked women's tits, then you haven't got a leg to stand on really.

If you don't want him to go because it is a seedy underworld of exploitation, then tell him so.

If he is aware of this, but goes anyway, is that the kind of man you want to be with?

I certainly couldn't be with a man who thinks this is okay.

Onemansoapopera · 17/01/2019 18:46

First of all, he's an adult and you can't tell him what he can or can't do.

If you don't like the idea tell him. If he goes anyway, the ball is in your court whether you stay with him but you can't dictate, you can only respect your own boundaries.

Livelovebehappy · 17/01/2019 22:47

You say you had both come out of marriages when you got together. Was it an affair situation? If it was, and you both got together on the back of an affair, it may be that you are having trust issues and feeling insecure about him being away on a lads holiday.

TheToffeeTruckinTown · 17/01/2019 23:13

Would he be okay with you going to a club where someone sticks his crotch in your face? Would he be okay with you working in a lap dancing club? If not, why not.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 18/01/2019 06:28

I would have serious issues with a man for whom going for a lapdance is "the done thing". Not because I don't want him seeing naked women but because those places are nasty, exploitative and gross. I know this because I had a friend who worked in ones for a few years to pay off some loans. The whole thing was just gross and seedy and made her miserable.

If all his friends think that trading cash for a weird, cold parody of sex is all just fun and a good time, then I would have serious doubts about him.

MumsyJ · 18/01/2019 07:20

Personally, it won't bother me, it's a stag and the main focus will be on the groom. What and how would the bride to be feel then, stop her soon to be new husband from attending his own stag do? He's been honest and told you about the lap dance, as long as he's not going to cross the line of what he's promised. The thing is, stopping him from attending, might make him go behind your back to feed his curiosity. Just let him attend, it's only a bit of stag do fun ( not the private lap dancing though 🙄) You trust him, and he's coming home to you afterwards. Just my view! But go with your feelings OP.

musicalxo · 18/01/2019 07:30

If you're not comfortable with him going, you should let him know. Then let him decide if he will go or not.

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