New partner Best Man on Stag Do

[PepperJ]

I’ve namechanged for this.

I have been with DP for 6 months but we were friends for a long time first. We have known each other for 10 years or so socially and got together recently having both come out of marriages.

He is going to be best man for his younger brother and they are going to Marbella for the stag do. He has told me that they probably will go to a lap dancing club and asked me if I am ok with him doing so. I don’t want to say no way, but also don’t relish the idea of him going. He says if I am not happy he wonT ho but I don’t want to make him miss the stag. No sure what to say

Also, dislike the fact that you're worried you'll be seen as some sort of spoilsport nag who has "stopped" him from doing something he wants to do. Do you think that's the way he'd frame it to the others? "Oh, sorry guys, she's done her nut so I'd better not come along", followed by a lot of eyerolling and jokes about him being pussy-whipped? If that's how you think he's going to speak about you to his friends, I'd be questioning how much he actually respects you and your opinions. It would be much better if he just said he didn't want to go because lap-dancing is seedy and exploitative, and a rip-off besides - they could get more for their money at a normal club and still have a good night out, surely?

By the sound of it this won’t be the first lap dancing club the OP’s BF’s been in, so there’s no “curiosity” to satisfy.

As others have said, if the half nude thing is your only problem then you’re overthinking this. If your issue is the way these clubs encourage the denigration and objectification of women then you should stick to your guns and ask him to miss that one night of the stag (or organise something else). It’ll hardly kill him or his relationship with his brother.

This old chestnut... honestly, if all his friends are going to a lap dancing bar on the stag, do you want him to have to say he can’t because his mrs doesn’t like it?! It depends if you want to be THAT girlfriend. As long as he doesn’t frequent them and isn’t the driving force behind the visit, I have no problem with DH going along with his mates on a stag. My friends are unlikely to want to see male strippers, but I would be very irritated if I was forbidden to go (even though I wouldn’t want to).

You don’t have to like it or like the ethics/ morality of their existence to not get involved telling your boyfriend what he can and can’t do. It’s only some naked ladies, it’s not like he is suggesting going to a brothel.

Wouldn’t bother me. After all no one can make him do anything, and it can just be an expensive place to have a beer with topless women around

I don’t want to be the one saying you can’t go

Why on earth not? Are you fine with saying 'Go and patronise an exploitative establishment which continues to give men the impression that female consent, bodies and the pretence of sexual attraction is available for purchase?'

And that's leaving aside the issue of whether you would continue to be attracted to a man who thought this kind of exploitative, misogynistic sleaze was normal -- personally my vagina would hang up an 'Urgh. Gone fishing' sign.

Are your values incompatible? Tell him who you are. If you are uncomfortable with his going to the club, tell him. It would be very unwise to weaken your boundaries so as to not cramp his style. Would he expect you to?

Personally, I wouldn’t have a partner who would even consider attending a lap dancing club, as they thrive on the degradation, abuse, and sexual/financial exploitation of women.

I would feel the same and my husband wouldnt want me seeing naked guys so we would never do it to each other and really i wouldnt want to see other guys naked any way.
Id have a chat with him tell him how u feel its best to be open ,thats just my view if your open it does make your relationship so much smoother x

Agreed @anyfucker