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Original poster

DP and spoilt DD is it just me?

62 replies

Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 10:12

I've been with dp for 10 months, he has a DD 20 who is in further education living in a flat with fellow student friends.

DP rarely sees her, over Xmas he saw her on Xmas eve for a few hours, she was back for 6 days (staying with dm and dsf) and disappeared back home without even letting dp know.

Anyway it seems to me that the only time she really gets in touch with dp is when she wants money. Over the time we have been together it has been £1000 for a laptop, £1000 for a mobile phone, money for a holiday and whenever she is a bit short. She also has a store card in his name on which she buys her clothes, usually a couple of hundred pounds a month and he gives her £200 a month to help with living costs. She wanted tickets to a concert for her birthday £300 which he bought and when her birthday came around she wanted money is she said she had a lot of bills to pay that month so he gave her £1000.
A couple of weeks before Christmas she phoned looking for £400 for a deposit for a new rental she was getting and again for Christmas she got £1000 from him... It just seems to be a never ending flow of money for everything and anything she wants. When she did see him at Xmas she was telling him about her plans for this year, a trip to America in the summer and to Europe and he is to fund it all 😐
Is it just me or does this sound a bit extreme to anyone else? It plays on my mind and I have not said anything to him so far as I feel it's not really my place. I haven't actually met her yet but I don't really want to as the picture I am being painted is that of a spoilt daddy's girl and he does everything she says as he 'doesn't want to rock the boat'
He told me last night that I was too soft with my dd5 and ds6 as I Iet them sleep in my bed sometimes. Dd5 gets scared and is often in my bed. It was only after he'd gone home I thought about what he'd said and the comparison between the way he is with his dd who is my eyes treats him like a mug.

I'm very interested in other people's opinions on this and if anyone has ever been in a similar position.

Thanks mumsnetters Grin

OP posts:
Musti · 16/01/2019 10:15

I think that it's neither of your business how you treat your children. Some parents spoil their kids more than others and it is up to them.

In your situation I'm with you. If your child is scared then of course she should sleep with you. And hid daughter shouldn't use as a cash point. He should arrange for certain money to be given each month and she should budget. It really isn't helping her but it's up to him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2019 10:16

Who the hell spends a grand on a phone....!? Confused

It does sound like she's just after money, but it's his DD and his money and he can spend it how he chooses. Maybe he coughs up out of guilt.

You're criticising his parenting and he's criticising yours. Doesn't sound like a great omen for the future to be honest.

I only say that because I had similar with an ex-bf and his kids. They ran circles around him, but he wanted to be a Disney Dad so he let them. Totally eroded the relationship and I lost all respect for him because of it.

LL83 · 16/01/2019 10:16

It's not really any of your business. Unless she is taking advantage to the point he can't enjoy nice life himself I wouldn't say anything. I do feel sorry for him that this is the situation. But 20 can be a selfish age, She may grow out of it.

It is not his business how you parent your children either (unless you are living together and it is also his bed?) I agree 5 is young and no problem to sleep in your bed if upset occasionally.

KeepCalm · 16/01/2019 10:19

He sounds like an idiot but she is neither your monkey nor your circus.

Unless it's joint money and you're struggling.....

llangennith · 16/01/2019 10:20

His attitude towards your own DC should be of greater concern to you. He has no control over his own DD and is trying to have control over you and your DC.
Unfortunately a lot of absent fathers try to buy favour with their children, especially daughters, and it doesn't ever work. He'll go on doing it even when she's older and with DC of her own. You won't change that.
Show him the door and focus on your little DC till someone kinder comes along.

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 10:21

Thanks guys, yes that's why I've not said anything as I don't really feel it's my place but I agree it's not helping her to stand on her own two feet and learn to budget when she just calls anytime and names a figure and he transfers it to her.

And yes I do wonder if we have a future because of it, it's difficult to stay quiet when he thinks she's great and from the outside it looks like he is just being used. Totally get that teenagers can be selfish too, although I asked for nothing when I was that age but times have changed I guess.

No we don't live together, he stays over occasionally.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 16/01/2019 10:23

You have been with your boyfriend 10 months you have no clue what his parenting was like ,maybe throwing money at the girl was all he did and he spent no time with her but that really isn't anything to do with you and do you really want your children near a man who thinks their mum is soft on them he isn't theircdad just like you are not her mum , btw can you get phones for 1k?

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 10:24

I should add that the comment he made about my DC was said in a jokey way

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 16/01/2019 10:27

You didn't laugh though did you ? You felt defensive of your children and your decisions. How you comfort your children is your business.

Dogsmellssobadbob · 16/01/2019 10:28

Relationship is doomed
If you get to the point of living together and sharing finances his will tear you apart

He is clearly being used by her and isn’t capable of standing up to her. IF he ever does she won’t be seen for dust and he will then resent the relationship you have Witt your own kids

End this one OP and wait for something better

LL83 · 16/01/2019 10:29

I didnt ask for anything at 20 either......but i didnt spend time with my parents much and mostly suited myself. Hopefully she does change.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/01/2019 10:29

"Too soft" - your DD is only 5. Maybe in hindsight he wishes he had acted differently towards his DD.
Who knows what their relationship was like, you will probably only hear one side of the story, but what he spends on his DD now is his business. I'm surprised you say it plays on your mind especially this early on.

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 10:30

No I didn't laugh, I said I can remember being scared in bed as a kid and it wasn't nice and that she won't be doing it when she's 15 Grin she'll not want anything dealings with me then so I'll make the most of it now, to which he agreed with me 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 10:35

It plays on my mind because whenever she is brought up in conversation it's usually to do with him having to give her money. Oh and she recently told him she wants a new car and showed him the one she wants, it's £20000... It just surprises me, it's not something I am used to. I have always been independent and no I am not struggling, I'm a single mum renting a decent house and am running my own business around my kids. They're father rarely has them but that suits me Grin

OP posts:
FlagFish · 16/01/2019 10:40

I’m in your side on both counts, OP - the money thing with his DD and the bed sharing thing with your DC.

I would think carefully about your future with him. As a pp said, you’ll never be able to merge finances with him as you’d resent the money he spends on his DD. Maybe that’s fine with you though?

Sicario · 16/01/2019 10:41

Hmm. It might be a good idea for you both to agree to butt out of each other's parenting styles. This can be said with a smile and a high five. You'll both be happier for it.

The dd20 is in further ed, which costs a bloody fortune in tuition and living expenses. Of course he should support her as much as he can. (We had to make a lot of sacrifices to put kids through uni.) It's an unavoidable expense, and at 20 most of them don't know their arse from their elbow yet anyway. Great that he is a supportive dad. The bills do eventually stop once their educated, working, and standing on their own two feet. Perhaps you feel a bit jealous because he is providing for/being generous with another woman...

And your DCs are just as entitled to all your love, protection, provision and reliance. Mum's bed is about the best place in the world when they need a snuggle! Perhaps he feels a bit jealous that you would want to share your bed with other (little) people...

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 16/01/2019 10:44

Don't ever live with him.
Ime Disney df's never change.
And your dc will never be up to scratch in his eyes.
Again ime.

partinor · 16/01/2019 10:45

Sounds like a relative of mine. The DD does use her dad for money. But her dad has not been there for her at all for many years in any other way. So it is his fault ultimately.

MrsJayy · 16/01/2019 10:47

Would you want your own demanding phones and cars off their dad and be fine with it ? This isn't going to go away their relationship is based on what he can give her he is always going to give her money and it is always going to grate on you.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/01/2019 10:57

Depends how much money he earns, really. If he is very wealthy then these sums would not be unusual, but if his earnings are average and he is bankrupting himself to help her it would of course be a problem.

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 11:05

He's not very well off, he's comfortable but is not a materialistic person. He could do with renewing some things in his house but isnt bothered, just a typical Batchelor pad. He works all the hours of the day, 15/16hrs per day isnt unusual and works 7 days a week most weeks, sometimes 6 days.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 16/01/2019 11:17

Get rid. I was told the same on here when I had issues with my ex over parenting styles. His kids were feral with no respect but he told me my 2 yo was mummy's boy and I was too soft on him (2 yo's father has never been involved from day 1 so I'm all he knows). He was riddled with guilt over his divorce and had no boundaries in place yet sought to enforce control over my relationship with my son. The relief when I ended the relationship was enormous and my older kids were so grateful as they couldn't stand his feral brats. They were truly jaw dropping awful at only 6 and 8. I'm well rid but I still feel sorry for those children as what they needed was boundaries and consistency and they didn't get it hence the behaviour.

Concentrate your energies into you and your dc abs ditch this guy.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 16/01/2019 11:20

He is setting her up to fail. What happens when she isnt a student and she needs to work? Has she learnt how to handle money or does she just assume daddy can pick up the tab until he dies.

Why the fuck does she need a 20k car? or a 1k phone?

She's not being spoilt, she's being ruined.

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 11:24

I personally think she is seeing how far she can push him and he's too scared to stand up to her...

@PerverseConverse yeah it has been on my mind for a wee while that I'd be better off just me and the kids.

OP posts:
DaphneduM · 16/01/2019 11:26

Your posts do not tell us the back-story of your partner's marriage - for example who left who, was there infidelity on either side? etc. Obviously I appreciate that this all happened well before you met your DP. Demands for money can be used as a way of punishing a perceived errant parent - we have seen it happening with friends in similar situations. Personally the minefield of parenting style is best left well out of the equation of your relationship if it is to survive.