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Original poster

DP and spoilt DD is it just me?

62 replies

Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 10:12

I've been with dp for 10 months, he has a DD 20 who is in further education living in a flat with fellow student friends.

DP rarely sees her, over Xmas he saw her on Xmas eve for a few hours, she was back for 6 days (staying with dm and dsf) and disappeared back home without even letting dp know.

Anyway it seems to me that the only time she really gets in touch with dp is when she wants money. Over the time we have been together it has been £1000 for a laptop, £1000 for a mobile phone, money for a holiday and whenever she is a bit short. She also has a store card in his name on which she buys her clothes, usually a couple of hundred pounds a month and he gives her £200 a month to help with living costs. She wanted tickets to a concert for her birthday £300 which he bought and when her birthday came around she wanted money is she said she had a lot of bills to pay that month so he gave her £1000.
A couple of weeks before Christmas she phoned looking for £400 for a deposit for a new rental she was getting and again for Christmas she got £1000 from him... It just seems to be a never ending flow of money for everything and anything she wants. When she did see him at Xmas she was telling him about her plans for this year, a trip to America in the summer and to Europe and he is to fund it all 😐
Is it just me or does this sound a bit extreme to anyone else? It plays on my mind and I have not said anything to him so far as I feel it's not really my place. I haven't actually met her yet but I don't really want to as the picture I am being painted is that of a spoilt daddy's girl and he does everything she says as he 'doesn't want to rock the boat'
He told me last night that I was too soft with my dd5 and ds6 as I Iet them sleep in my bed sometimes. Dd5 gets scared and is often in my bed. It was only after he'd gone home I thought about what he'd said and the comparison between the way he is with his dd who is my eyes treats him like a mug.

I'm very interested in other people's opinions on this and if anyone has ever been in a similar position.

Thanks mumsnetters Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 11:30

His ex had an affair.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/01/2019 11:37

You want to be really careful that you don't land your kids with a step father who expects perfection from them while simultaneously overindulging his own child, who can do no wrong.
My advice is to not live with him or combine finances.

swingofthings · 16/01/2019 11:38

My DD is 20. Some of her friends are very spoilt some are not at all and indeed, it is not directly related to earnings. It's just the way it is and a bit of a leap to assume that the spoilt one will end up miserable. Some parents get a buzz from spoiling their kids, it's just the way it is.

If you oh is giving his DD so much money, it is because he wants to. You saying something is only going to make him feel guilty and put him on the defensive feeling judge. After all how fair is it to judge her when you havent meant her. She might be spoilt but also very pleasant.

If you say se thing, it might also come out that you resent him giving her so much because of how it would impact on him helping to contribute towards you and your kids if you move in together. This might not go down well. At least she's moved out. Just make sure if you ever discuss moving together that you don't share your finance but he pays his half. What he or you do with the rest of your money is up to you.

bringbacksideburns · 16/01/2019 11:39

Theres more to this.

He sounds like has a terrible relationship with his daughter and is buying her affection now because maybe he didn't spend a lot of time with her when she was younger? Or he feels guilty about something.

A friend of mine is in this situation and her step daughter is a grown woman who is still terribly spoilt because she manipulates her dad into paying for everything for her despite her working full time in a well paid job , and I think a lot of it stems from the breakdown of his first marriage ( which had nothing to do with my friend.) My friend has had to bow out and leave them to it.

It isn't your business but it would worry me getting involved with someone who did not seem to have a close and loving relationship with his own child and spent such a ridiculous amount of money. Particularly if i had small children of my own. You will forever be biting your lip wanting to say something.

PerverseConverse · 16/01/2019 11:43

@bringbacksideburns exactly. A man who works all those hours and days probably wasn't there for her growing up (at 20 she's still growing up I'd say and finding her adult feet) but this kind of situations smacks of guilt money from dad and his daughter associating money with love. He knows he's fucked up as he's now trying to get you to be less soft (I don't agree you are) with your dc because he subconsciously sees something he might have some control over as he's no control over his own situation.

So many red flags here and not worth getting involved in this kind of mess when you have young dc.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2019 11:54

He works all the hours of the day, 15/16hrs per day isnt unusual and works 7 days a week most weeks

I know this is off-topic, but when do you ever spend time with him!?!?!

Add in 8-hours sleep and that potentially leaves 1 hour on the days he only works 15 hours... not surprised his wife had an affair in that case (not that it makes it right). Also he can have hardly seen his DD growing up, hence the cash payments now.

Definitely be wary of getting further involved.

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 12:29

Yes I think it is guilt too, he says he worked a lot when she was growing up but never missed a sports day or anytime she had something on at school.

Well his long working hours suited us fine last year as he hadn't met my kids, he starts early am, sometimes 5am so would come to mine around 9pm for 2 or 3 hours after my DC were in bed Smile

OP posts:
mcmooberry · 16/01/2019 12:36

That would really annoy me to witness. However, as you are not financially entwined, it unfortunately isn't really any of your business. It won't change though, so would have to agree with PPs who say might be best to bow out now.

LIZS · 16/01/2019 12:45

Agree it is his business if he indulges his dd. She won't be dependant upon him forever whereas your dc will be for at least another 10-15 years. You each sound a little jealous of the attention each other's dc get. Perhaps 10 months is enough.

PerverseConverse · 16/01/2019 13:03

@LIZS DP's daughter doesn't get any attention. Just money. Nothing to be jealous of there so not sure where you're coming from with jealous of the attention.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 16/01/2019 13:10

This does sound very generous and she is asking for a lot! However if he can afford it I’m sure he would prefer his money to go on his daughter having a lovely life than sitting in the bank/on himself. Does she act spoiled or is she just spoiled in a financial way? Would she guilt-trip him if he were to say he couldn’t find aoemthing? X

MrsJayy · 16/01/2019 13:10

Goodness me that is twice jealousy -has been mentioned on this thread grown women are being told they jealous of a 20 year old dd of partner is bloody ridiculous.

Onemansoapopera · 16/01/2019 13:13

How to put this....

Its none of your f*cking business. You've know him 10 month. She's 20. You know nothing of their relationship.

Onemansoapopera · 16/01/2019 13:21

Line 1: his ex had an affair .... (never them)

Line 2: I'm not at all jealous of this other woman in my DP's life (who happens to be his DD who he likes spending money on) I'm just bothered about their welfare. (My arse). Just fess up.

Cliche's all the way on this thread.

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 13:25

@onemanssoapopera

😂😂 Thanks for being so blunt, and for thr record we have been together 10 months but I've known him a good bit longer than that.

And no, it's not jealousy as some folk have thought. As I said, she hardly sees him, he is just the bank account. But yes I agree I'd be the same to a certain extent @itstartedwithakiss241 with regards to wanting my kids to have money for things rather than it sitting in my bank but just not to this extremity 😲

Thanks for all your replies, as I felt myself, it's not my business and if I'm not happy with it then I should get out really, that's the jist of it. 🙂

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 16/01/2019 13:26

Posters seem to be missing the fact he's criticising OP's parenting which is controlling. OP knows something is off in both the father daughter relationship, and her own relationship with him, and has perhaps not fully realised in her own mind what is is yet but the thing that sticks out is the large amount of money and no contact to speak of, and her question to us is hopefully helping her explore her own thoughts and feelings under the surface.

Cripes, that was a long sentence but hopefully makes sense to the OP.

OP, again, I've been in a similar situation. I was also told it was none of my business about his children but it was affecting our relationship and he was unhappy with the relationship himself so sought answers from me. That made it partly my business.

Ignore bitchy comments.

MrsJayy · 16/01/2019 13:26

God sake what is wrong with people yes you are all right the op is just jealous there you go Op you are jealous you want a 1k phone and a holidayHmm

Onemansoapopera · 16/01/2019 13:30

Not a fan of waffle 😂

Onemansoapopera · 16/01/2019 13:31

The money is none of the OP's business. Not bitchy. Fact.

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 13:32

@PerverseConverse thank you, yes it's nice to put out a concern to lovely folk to get their take on things rather than speaking to family / friends sometimes. And I totally agree that he is not happy with their relationship hence why he doesnt like to rock the boat, but it's not up to me to advise him.

@mrsjay you got it in one 🤣🤣 I actually have a holiday booked for myself and DC abroad this summer, just the three of us and I can't wait 😎

OP posts:
Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 16/01/2019 13:36

His dd is his business but when he is supporting an adult who should be doing so herself but chastising you for supporting little dd's he is a cf at best.
Nasty twat regardless.
Enjoy your holiday with your dc op.
He will likely be paying for dd's trips and be staying home himself!!

Onemansoapopera · 16/01/2019 13:37

He shows love/guilt with money. Op shows love with cuddles. Never the twain shall meet.

Sprinkles212 · 16/01/2019 14:21

It is truly none of your business at all. It's not your money being used, you have only been with him for 10 months and parenting is judged by everyone, you've judged his secretly and he's judged yours (at least he said what he was thinking!) outwardly by telling you.

You do not know about the dynamics of his relationship with her or the complexities, you haven't even been introduced to her.

Please, keep these opinions to yourself or end it and find someone more suited to you.

Original poster
Jessie1980 · 16/01/2019 14:26

@sprinkles212 I think you've contradicted yourself there by saying at least he gave his opinion out loud regarding my parenting but I should keep my opinion about his parenting to myself? 🤔

OP posts:
Sprinkles212 · 16/01/2019 15:22

@Jessie1980, interpretation.

I was giving him credit for sharing his opinion with you regarding your parenting, while highlighting the fact that you had chosen to build a nasty assumption in your head regarding him and his daughter who you are yet to even meet and you've only been together for 10 months.

Based on your opinion of their relationship, my advice was for you to not share and if you can't deal with it, then leave entirely and find someone more suited.