DP and spoilt DD is it just me?

[Jessie1980]

I've been with dp for 10 months, he has a DD 20 who is in further education living in a flat with fellow student friends.

DP rarely sees her, over Xmas he saw her on Xmas eve for a few hours, she was back for 6 days (staying with dm and dsf) and disappeared back home without even letting dp know.

Anyway it seems to me that the only time she really gets in touch with dp is when she wants money. Over the time we have been together it has been £1000 for a laptop, £1000 for a mobile phone, money for a holiday and whenever she is a bit short. She also has a store card in his name on which she buys her clothes, usually a couple of hundred pounds a month and he gives her £200 a month to help with living costs. She wanted tickets to a concert for her birthday £300 which he bought and when her birthday came around she wanted money is she said she had a lot of bills to pay that month so he gave her £1000.
A couple of weeks before Christmas she phoned looking for £400 for a deposit for a new rental she was getting and again for Christmas she got £1000 from him... It just seems to be a never ending flow of money for everything and anything she wants. When she did see him at Xmas she was telling him about her plans for this year, a trip to America in the summer and to Europe and he is to fund it all 😐
Is it just me or does this sound a bit extreme to anyone else? It plays on my mind and I have not said anything to him so far as I feel it's not really my place. I haven't actually met her yet but I don't really want to as the picture I am being painted is that of a spoilt daddy's girl and he does everything she says as he 'doesn't want to rock the boat'
He told me last night that I was too soft with my dd5 and ds6 as I Iet them sleep in my bed sometimes. Dd5 gets scared and is often in my bed. It was only after he'd gone home I thought about what he'd said and the comparison between the way he is with his dd who is my eyes treats him like a mug.

I'm very interested in other people's opinions on this and if anyone has ever been in a similar position.

Thanks mumsnetters

You two are a match, or you need to learn to change you thought process.
What a parent does and doesn't do is only ever down to them and at the adult from the start he has chosen to act this way.
My dp would of be showed the door very quickly if he utter a simple word about how I parent.
He has never and would never and in fact we both parent in the same way so are suited with how we raise the dsc and our own lo.

You need to think could you cope with him in 5 years giving her help with a deposit on a flat or helping her when she's having money issues?
Because asking us, who all raise our dc differently won't actually change how he does not long term.

The worst thing is that he’s not actually helping her. It won’t/can’t last forever and thus, at some point, she’ll have to start taking responsibility for her own finances. The more used to sponging off others she is, so the longer it goes on, the more difficult the habit will be to break.

As for him having a pop about your own kids, it’s a nonsense and probably reflects guilt in his own faults. Also, by bringing it up, he has set the tone and opened up the stage for you to express your own opinions. Tread lightly, though, if you’re thinking long term..

Why is he telling you about all the money he is giving her? I don’t think he needs to involve you at all.

Tbh I don't see why he feels the need to tell you about the money he gives his DD.

My DD is in Uni and her living costs are around £400 a month. We bought her a new laptop when she started Uni and she already had a phone.

If it's a mac... then it would be that kind of price.

As far as the car... well.. I'd be wondering what her contribution to it will be.

I think I'd be tempted to say "it seems like your DD only gets in touch when she wants money" and let him digest that statement.

I'd stop seeing him. He has no business being critical of your young children. You have only been together 10 months.
Whatever you do, do not have a child with him.

Perhaps money is all he's ever offered so his DD gave up trying to get his love or time years ago and just takes the money now, who knows. He obviousy likes helping her out financially, do we not all do that as,parents?

Its one thing supporting them in Higher Ed (we support DS), it’s another being used just for money.

We top DS maintenance loan for his house rental and then give him a living allowance, term time only. He pays everything out of it, including his monthly phone deal. A new mobile or laptop would be a Christmas or B/day present, but nowhere near £1k (not because we can’t afford it, but he wouldn’t want that much). He has also worked during 6th form and first year.

He is welcome to come on holiday with us and we will cover extra costs (generally caravan or a cottage) but any other holiday he would pay for. We bought him a cheap car when he passed, he pays running costs and will eventually pay to upgrade it.

He is currently on a paid placement year so no need for us to give him anything, he is saving money this year to travel after uni next year. He would refuse money if we offered him it (though we are topping up his and DD ISA, as we can afford it, but even then he tried to stop us!)

Op, a friend is married to a man in your DPs situation and gets very frustrated. His DD is about 24, graduated, got a job then got engaged to her long term bf, who doesn’t work. Her dad paid large deposit on a house, then was told he would be paying half of wedding. No problem, but he had no say in anything, just demands for money every week and she then wouldn’t let him give her away, he was heartbroken. She only ever invites him around when she wants money eg new laptop, something buying for house. Never visits or calls at his house and never buys him a birthday or Father’s Day card or present. My friend says her DH just lives with it as he is scared she will not see him at all if he doesn’t pay up. She is an only and has been thoroughly spoilt by mum’s family.

And no, he has not just offered her his money. My friend (who met him a long time after his divorce) remembers a time pre-teens when the DD loved spending time with him and my friend, they had a very loving relationship, but she changed in her teens to demanding money all the time and it seems her DH feels unable to say no. Maybe guilt, who knows.

Yeah he has mentioned he never gets a father's day card or birthday card from her.
He recently went to a concert with her at her request. It was 180 miles away but he took time out of work and even drove an extra 30miles detour to collect her then drop her home the following day and she didn't even invite him in for a drink before his final 140 miles drive home from her place, she just got out of the car and said she was going for a sleep as she was tired 🤔

I think you have to accept that things won’t change (it sounds so similar to my friend) and consider whether you could have a long term relationship with him.

My friend gets v frustrated, she has DC 30 ish who grew up without their dads ever present, due to divorce then death, but are the complete opposite, determined to be independent. The eldest’s DF died not long ago and couldn’t believe that her step sister wouldn’t allow her dad to give her away.

Been there, got the t shirt. My kids were insulted daily eg bit of eczema , earned the name Scabby.
His was a selfish DD who literally began every conversation with demands for money, and then would just walk off. Empty his wallet, say, No, I'm not spending time with you, I'm shopping with friend, and walk off. She dropped out of school and was sleeping with an ex- con dealer twice her age, drinking, smoking, yet mine were the stupid rude spoilt ones.

I wouldn't bother if I were you.

If you can't accept your oh's children and love them unconditionally as if they were your own , even on their worst days...never date someone with kids, basically. Their parent and child relationship is there's and not for anyone else to wade in on.

You are right op, it’s none of your business. However it doesn’t paint him(or her) in a great light. He seems to be a walk over and she’s taking the piss, but not your circus, not your monkeys.

Unless of course you decide to move in, get married etc, then his lavish spending will impact you, in which case you will have to raise your concerns.

As for him commenting on your parenting, sounds like he said it in a jokey way, but something to keep a close eye on.