Doubts, decisions and feeling awful

[Elliebellybum]

So, posted on here a few times. Left DH after a DV incident, he was a controlling man who was prone to a bit of pushing and shoving but on the night in question it went further.
He was arrested, I left with the kids and here we are....

He’s very vocal that he’s changed and that he wants us back. I don’t doubt that he does very much miss us and want us back.

I had been unhappy for several years.

But now? Now I feel equally unhappy.
We have found a place to rent and I’m scared about that, it was awful to tell him, I can’t seem to find it in me to start the divorce that I’m going to need financially and everywhere I decision wise it feels like there are steaming piles of shit frankly.

I’m not young (40s) but my children are, so I’m probably not likely to meet anyone. So a life alone beckons. This isn’t a problem now, but in 15 years?
A life of pointless jobs to make end meet beckons.
A lot of “did I do the right thing” beckons.

I could just go back, go to marriage guidance, try to make it work and not face all of that.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing for the children (three of them), will they one day hate me for splitting us all up? Will I hate me?

DH says it’s all my decision. He won’t start a divorce, so that’s down to me.

I feel like I hold all of our lives in my hand and have got responsibility for everyone’s happiness all of a sudden.

During our marriage I rarely got to make “big” decisions so it’s very uncomfortable for me to be the one faced with making the biggest decision ever.

In fact I feel a shadow of my old self, I can’t make a decision, even when I’m fairly sure it’s the right decision.

I wouldn't rush into anything with him. Get settled on your own with dc and a routine in p,ace for contact and then maybe date him once a week and see how it goes. Personally I wouldn't give him a second chance.

This is the difficult bit. I promise. Once you get your own space, you'll be able to breathe, you'll find that actually, you're okay on your own. You'll probably be a better mother without the pressure and weight of the marriage on your shoulders.
I think you owe it to yourself and to your children not to take him back. He will become violent again, sadly, and the back-and-forth will be more damaging for everyone in the end.

He has not changed at all, he is just saying that because abusive people do exactly this and he has relinquished some (but certainly not all) of his power and control over you. He is not going to let go of you that easily.

Do not give him any of your headspace here; you need that for your own self and your DC. You need to put physical as well as mental distance now between you and he. I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and do this in person. It takes a long time, years even, to recover from such abuse and you are in the very early stages of recovery. His intention throughout was to make you a shadow of your former self but you can recover.

Joint counselling as well is never advised where there is or has been abuse within the relationship. You would not be safe in such sessions and he won't co-operate either with the process.

I would start divorce proceedings asap as well, he won't anyway because he wants to portray you as the bad person here. Your children will ultimately thank you for not letting them see you as their mother be abused by their dad. You have further now taught them a valuable relationship lesson here; that the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

My over riding feeling is guilt. And I don’t get how.
Everything stresses me out, even simple things like getting the broadband provider changed over seems a big job (it isn’t but it feels like it)
I feel like I’ve lost myself, and somehow my decisions now are central to everyone’s happiness.

I don’t like to see my DH beg, especially as the sensible bit of me knows he would change for 5 minutes then suddenly be himself again.

I don’t think it’s been improved by not getting a place to rent properly for nearly 2 months either, that’s taken a lot of wind out of my sails.

For years I have been his family’s whipping boy, I’ve taken the blame for everything that’s happened everywhere and I think that I’m almost conditioned now to feel I am to blame, even though I did the first right thing in a long time which was get me and the kids out of there

There have also been a lot of heartfelt pleas about how I’m breaking the family up, how the children need two parents, how they need to be back in their own home, which just adds the the general “am I doing the right thing” feeling

How has he 'changed'? It's all crap anyway, he's still trying to get his own way.

You're feeling all at sea because you've been bullied and dominated for yrs, you need to learn to make your own decisions.

A violent, controlling man in your lives will not help you or your children, not one bit.
'

I just feel unhappy whatever I do.
Go back? I was miserable when I was there and suspect I would be again quite quickly.
Stay alone and get divorced? That doesn’t fill me with any great joy either.

I thought once I had gone I would be filled with this feeling of a great weight being lifted and I don’t. I just feel unhappy.

It’s not because I greatly love DH either, I’m finding it hard with all the guilt being thrown at me, and I’ve found the logistics of actually getting a place to live horrendous, I just feel so deflated and full of doubt over what I’m doing.

You feel guilty because you're inherently nice. He isn't nice so he's saying all the right things because he's counting on you being nice and taking him back.

Speak to a lady from a domestic violence charity.... Leeway? She will help you talk through your feelings.... Do you understand that there is a very small change he will change? It’s highly likely not to happen. He won’t change and your decision is to walk back into the same situation you left or stay living in the new house with your children? X

And it's harder for you because all the stuff you're having to tackle or deal with is probably new to you, you're not sharing the load with someone and you're not in a happy mindset, naturally, so that makes things, even the usually simple stuff, more daunting.

Yes that’s the thing. I always thought I was quite hard but it turns out I’m a lot more sensitive to people’s feelings than I thought.

My DH has not helped one bit since we left (think keeping stuff we need, not giving me money to try to force me back, not moving out etc) but yet it’s me who’s awake late and up early full of upset and angst.

And I don’t get why I can’t find that inner rage and gumption that should be kicking in.

I’m really knackered, really knackered it’s been weeks of worry and a major effort to find a rental due to our circumstances, I’ve eased through tons of paperwork for benefits and kept life normal for three young kids while not always having a secure place to even live.

Yet, still I feel sorry for him, still I try to think if there is any way back, if I did the right thing, if I’m being stubborn and only thinking of myself (his words), if I’ve broken up the family and so on

How is going back to a controlling man who has hit you going to make you cans your children happy? Do you want your children to grow up seeing you scared? Potentially being scared themselves? Do you want them to see this as a template for their future relationships?

Have you been to your dr? It sounds like you might benefit from anti depressants and counselling. This might help shake you out if the slump and get things back on track.

You have the opportunity to make a happy and fulfilling life for you and your children. Free from fear and control. Grab it!!

Don't expose your children to a lifetime of DV. If you waiver just think of the long term damage that will happen to your kids being exposed to further demestic violence.

You have done the right thing - leaving
Now you have to do the hard thing - staying away

Look at it this way. You KNOW he hasn’t changed, you KNOW it’ll be as bad as it was before. You were unhappy then. Minimised and voiceless. It will be FAR worse if you go back, because he will KNOW you won’t leave again, because you won’t do that to the kids.

Your kids might blame you for a while, but they might not. Once they’re older, they’ll KNOW you did the right thing.

The only ‘good things’ about going back are not being alone in later years (but you’ll still be unhappy & lonely!) and not having to make the effort to support yourself now. It’s hardly brilliant is it?!

Whereas if you make a life for you and the kids you can be HAPPY, all of you. You’ll feel the tension lifting once you have your new place sorted.

Then...there’s a whole world out there. Who knows who you might meet ?!

Even if you didn’t meet anyone, alone is FAR better than lonely inside a relationship.

All of that aside. You need to put your kids first. They deserve FAR better than to be living with him. FAR better. As they get older and more challenging they’ll try his patience more and either they, or you, or both will be subject to his violence.

People like him don’t change over night, you KNOW that.

Kids are better off not living with a violent man, you KNOW that.

You CAN do this 💐

It’s bloody hard, but it’ll be worth it. Promise.

My DM was beaten by my dad. Do you think as a DC I wanted to live in fear and see my mum do the same? It was truly awful and as an adult I made bad choices with the men I dated and I hadn’t fully appreciated the impact the DV had on me until I was in an adult relationship with DC myself. I have underlying anxiety, if my OH is upset about something I end up very anxious and react badly. It’s really bloody awful. Your DC wont thank you for going back into an abusive relationship. It’s sad that despite what’s happened you are even considering it. Please do not use your DC as an excuse to return to this man. You are both DP and you don’t need to be together to ensure you parent them. Protect yourself and get some help...

You know it was his behaviour that broke up the family. You've made you and your children safe. Stop engaging with him unless it's to do with the kids. You owe him nothing, he did this, not you.

I do worry that because it was more emotional than anything that maybe I’ve overdone it? I don’t really know how to explain it, but it was days/weeks of stonewalling and insults, little tricks with the heating or taking out lightbulbs, being treated like a child, threats of removing things I needed etc
He wasn’t usually violent, even this time he didn’t punch me, he was behaving in a way that would probably cause me to get hurt but my injury was not caused by being punched or anything (I hit something with my face, but he didn’t actively aim for me to hit it iygwim) I left because the three kids saw and were screaming and hysterical and that had to be my line in the sand.....

But it doesn’t sound like other people’s experiences, I wasn’t beaten, I wasn’t hospitalised, I didn’t live in fear of beatings.

Somewhere my idea of normal has got skewed that I even think it’s not bad enough to have left.

My DH says I’m playing on it all and over egging it, he minimises it all a lot and has reasons why he behaved that way

Are you getting any family support? Sounds like you could do with some.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Do you want to return to be lonely and frightened back in the same old marriage and know it’s affecting the DC?

Or do you want to be lonely but totally in control of your life knowing that your DC will grow up without seeing or hearing the abuse?

PP often say “ What would you advise your daughter to do?”

I’d stand firm. People rarely change.

So a life alone beckons. This isn’t a problem now, but in 15 years?
A life of pointless jobs to make end meet beckons.
But you aren't alone. You live with your children. You don't have a violent man in your life. That's true. Might you meet another man in the future? Possibly, but your happiness doesn't depend on that.
No job is pointless if it pays for your home, security and everything your children need.
You've done well to get this far. This is a new era for you. Once you can find the energy, reconnect with old friends, get out, start new habits and hobbies. Don't look back.

I believe that behaviour you described would be legally classed as Coercion, and is punishable by law.

There is a short video that MN have recently done. It appears in the feed on the RH side of my screen on the MN website. Take a look if you can.

‘The kids were screaming and hysterical ‘, that says it all.
You do not want to expose them to more of this.
Stay strong 💐

You and your DC DESERVE a life free from abuse. You did the right thing in leaving. Totally the right thing.

Don't engage with him. It's just words on his part. He's lost control of you and of course he wants it back.

I know it's scary, doing it on your own, but once you get it into your head you've done the absolute best thing for you and your DC, it will feel much easier to tackle the day to day stuff.

Now starts a new life for you. One free of an abuser.

Keep posting, we're here to listen and advise on all sorts of stuff re being a single parent etc; just ask!

When I left a very similar dh the courts listened to what my dc had witnessed. The 2 older ones got a nc order and the younger ones saw him until they could opt not to - teens.
Reflect on his behaviour op, I suggest your dc would resent you staying more than they will for leaving.

My ex also played the I have changed card. After 6 months I went back, even married him. Regretted it within a week. Married less than a year before he nearly drove us all off a motorway half cut.
You have done the hard bit already. Trust your gut. The feelings that made you split. And believe in yourself.
I met my now dh at 42 and we are very happy. He is a fab step df, truly. The teens respect, admire +love him.

How is he contacting you to keep telling all this crap.... give yourself a break....block him /do not talk to him and certainly don't listen to him....
If you have to have a contact to arrange access to teh kids suggest gettig a seperate phone/cheap sim and use it just for that and block him and anyine connected to him from your phone

save what energy you have for you and dc ......everything else can wait.....you have made the right choice both your you and your DC

this is the hardest part- starting again ...but the quantity of stuff will ease off once you've been in the house a bit-

what helps me if overwhelmed is to look ahead to something so if your kids are school age its only 4 weeks to half term - think of you all at peace in your new house whether its just watching a movie+blankets and sweets - we pick one each >> or going on a day out to something.....

try not to look too far ahead and just remind yourself how much better your childrens lives will be without having an aggressive dad hitting/pushing/shouting at their mum...