Doubts, decisions and feeling awful

[Elliebellybum]

So, posted on here a few times. Left DH after a DV incident, he was a controlling man who was prone to a bit of pushing and shoving but on the night in question it went further.
He was arrested, I left with the kids and here we are....

He’s very vocal that he’s changed and that he wants us back. I don’t doubt that he does very much miss us and want us back.

I had been unhappy for several years.

But now? Now I feel equally unhappy.
We have found a place to rent and I’m scared about that, it was awful to tell him, I can’t seem to find it in me to start the divorce that I’m going to need financially and everywhere I decision wise it feels like there are steaming piles of shit frankly.

I’m not young (40s) but my children are, so I’m probably not likely to meet anyone. So a life alone beckons. This isn’t a problem now, but in 15 years?
A life of pointless jobs to make end meet beckons.
A lot of “did I do the right thing” beckons.

I could just go back, go to marriage guidance, try to make it work and not face all of that.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing for the children (three of them), will they one day hate me for splitting us all up? Will I hate me?

DH says it’s all my decision. He won’t start a divorce, so that’s down to me.

I feel like I hold all of our lives in my hand and have got responsibility for everyone’s happiness all of a sudden.

During our marriage I rarely got to make “big” decisions so it’s very uncomfortable for me to be the one faced with making the biggest decision ever.

Hi OP

Well done for drawing a line in the sand and getting out of the relationship. Neither you or your children deserve to be treated this way.

I am currently experiencing a similar experience to you whereby I left an emotionally and eventually physically abusive relationship (punched me once but said he was just messing about). Every hour of the day I swing between wondering if he has changed and wanting him back to sticking to my decision of leaving him because I too feel unhappy without him. I thought I would feel relief but in fact I am in love with him, I just chose not to tolerate his behaviour and decided he can't possibly love me to treat me the way he did. When he was nice, he was very loving but when he was nasty, he could very intimidating or neglectful but you rationalise it with thinking you're overreacting and he will reinforce that way of thinking.

You did NOT break up the relationship, he did by being abusive to you and your children. He's used crazy making tactics to undermine your thinking. He is also guilt tripping you by saying that you shouldn't be apart because of the children (my ex is doing the same) but you are doing the right thing by protecting them from that environment and saving their future relationships.

I've recently started participating in hobbies and already it's making me feel better about myself and my future (also in my 40's) and reinforcing the decision I made was correct, I can highly recommend you do this as soon as you can. It'll dilute this man's control over you and strengthen you. Good luck. Keep strong.

Op please don't go back he is nasty...he will always be nasty.

It is not surprising you feel exhausted and unhappy you have not had time to rest and recover, you WILL feel better by you need time and space to allow yourself to heal.

You may not be sure that your Dcs are better off, BUT THEY ARE

You may feel guilty for no reason, but that is a result of the conditioning he has given you, it WILL change over time away from him.

TRUST it will get better but you have to give it time..

Think of this if you go back you will never be happy, if you continue you can and will feel happy in the future...it is perfectly possible to feel happy and content without a partner, but there is no reason for you not to find one......be patient and keep the thought you are on the right road, keep going. good luck

If he had really changed, he would be accepting responsibility and doing everything he could to make your and the kids lives easier... Moving himself out, letting you stay in the marital home, attending counselling etc. He hasn't changed, he just wants his comfortable life back.

OP, I left an abusive marriage, that, like yours was in the main not physically abusive. The first time I went grocery shopping after leaving, I had a massive panic attack in the supermarket because I didn't know what to buy. I no longer knew what food I liked, all my shopping had always been about him, and what he liked. Being in that kind of relationship affects you deeply, but not forever.

Give yourself time without him, to heal from the stress and drama. Your ability to cope with life's daily decisions will return as you make more of them. You have been living in the emotional equivalent of a war zone for years, you need time and peace to recover. So do your kids.

Of course you feel bad, you miss him. But he's not AND WILL NEVER BE the person that you fell in love with and miss. He made you and your children cry. Laying on a guilt trip is not proof of love, quite the opposite. I hope you feel better soon xxx

Also concur what PP said about him still being nasty by withholding money (should at least be providing money and shelter for the children).

Mine too has reasons for all his behaviours and makes me feel I am "overreacting", "too sensitive" and "paranoid". Reading Lundy Bancroft's books will help you understand his behaviour and recognise it as being sub par. I also found A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing by Dr George Simon helpful.

I left my husband (I am 41 and have a DD who is 7). I left because he was a useless git and I was miserable. He didn't hit me or control or abuse me or even cheat on me.

You are entitled to leave your husband because you don't want to be married to him. He doesn't have to meet some minimum twatishness criterion before you are allowed to go!

Deep breaths, make a list of practical things you need to do and go for setting yourself up as a single woman. See a solicitor, start divorce proceedings... You can change your mind later if you REALLY think you'd be happier with him but I suspect once you get going you won't want to go back.

I don't see why you now need to spend your life alone? Yes you need time to recoup, to find your stability, to get back you... However I can't see why you shouldn't date in future. I intend to!

I think for so long, subtly, my life has involved trying not to piss him off.
For example, he didn’t mind me going out, but he made it harder work, he would get the kids ready for bed, but that was it, he would allow them to absolutely trash the place, then go to bed and leave it, next morning he would be up and singing loudly etc so I couldn’t lie in.

If I upset him it was days or weeks of not speaking, and I literally mean not speaking, with little spiteful comments or spiteful behaviour. That’s how I ended up getting assaulted because I had had a week of this again and pushed it to a row out of sheer frustration.

I would often try to word things in a way that didn’t upset him, I couldn’t criticise anything, or very rarely and even when it was good I was on edge waiting.

His family are awful and he’s let me take the blame for a lot that isn’t my fault, he didn’t speak to my family, he was particularly awful to my mum, who is a very difficult woman but even so.

So even now my default setting is “don’t piss him off” I’ve given him hope and had some very heartfelt conversations because I am programmed to almost smooth it over with him.

Everyone who knows me thinks I’m very strong, and to the outside world I am, but now I’m a person who finds sorting out the broadband provider quite hard.

I used to be in charge of a lot of things at home, but I always felt I needed his approval.

I had cancer a couple of years ago and had some therapy afterwards (she wasn’t great, she blamed me for a lot of this because of how I deal with things) but she did say “I don’t understand why you feel you need to have his permission to do anything”
It’s not like I was the little woman, I was pretty strong minded and I wasn’t a frightened wreck but just everything centred around not making him annoyed.

If your children saw the incident and were traumatised by it, you CANNOT go back for their sakes.

the sensible bit of me knows he would change for 5 minutes then suddenly be himself again

Hang on to this thought with all your might. You know you've done the right thing by leaving. You know staying away is the right thing to do.

Yes, it's fucking difficult at the moment but it will get better. Hell, I find moving stressful and I don't have any of the emotional battering you've had.

You're exhausted because you're looking after your kids and organising everything and it is knackering!!! And as you'e said, he has not helped you one bit. And that speaks volumes.

Are you getting any counselling? Do you have family and friends that could pitch in and help at all? You will get through this.

Don't worry about dating or romance or what have you for now. Just focus on getting yourself and your DC settled and into your new routine.

When I left my exh I got a puppy! He would never have a ddog, every time I gazed at my lovely puppy she reminded me I was entitled to a nice life with nice people /dog in it!! She gave me a new focus, and never let me down or swore at me either!

We would love a puppy or cat but we are going to be renting, and selling us as a SAHM and 3 young kids was hard enough 😂

Do you know what else? I’m really bloody lonely.

DH often wasn’t talking to me, but apart from the school run I have no adult interaction.

We are in a temporary place miles away from anyone and it’s lonely. I feel isolated and cut off from everything really

It seems to me that you feel both options will be bad for you but the way I look at it is that going back with him brings guaranteed misery whereas starting again on your own could end up with happiness like you've never imagined. It did for me.

We are in a temporary place miles away from anyone and it’s lonely. I feel isolated and cut off from everything really

OK that does sound like it sucks but it's only temporary. How long are you there for? Could you ask a friend to come and stay for the weekend?

I just read on here so often that people left, it was like a weight off their shoulders and they never looked back.

While I don’t necessarily regret leaving, I don’t feel most of those emotions.

My feelings are stress, fear and a lot of upset.

Shouldn’t I feel lighter? I’ve got out of this situation, I did the right and very hard thing, and yet it doesn’t feel that way.

I don’t know if that makes sense?

I cry a lot. I don’t even know why

Shouldn’t I feel relief?

It's early days, OP. You've had a lot to deal with, with no help from your STBX (shows how much he cares for you and DC ). It will take time to let loose the strings of your conditioning. To realise you are free.

As for the lonliness, it's temporary. You'll find ways to make new friends - even if you have to wait for another move!

Keep a radio on when alone, or tv murmuring in the background. Search out online forums of interest - keep posting here.

It's still only January. Think about where you want to be in January 2020 and slowly work towards it.

I didn't feel relief for ages, just very sad and confused. Because, similarly to you, I spent months with him trying to persuade me to come back. While I was still entangled and doubting myself, and letting him minimise things, I was stuck - I knew I couldn't go back but I couldn't see how I could move on. It was only once I got some actual space from him, with proper arranged contact, that my spaghetti-head could clear a little.

However, the fact that you are remote and have little other adult contact will be making things really difficult for you. Is there anyway way for you to get out to groups or something during the day? Toddler groups? Volunteer at your DCs' school? A class at the local leisure centre with the kids in the creche?

I would also consider doing the Freedom Programme - if you can't attend a local group, it can be done online.

Good luck to you. You can do this.

Have been in your situation Ellie. Firstly, please dont take the truly awful advice to go on dates with your ex, once an abuser, always an abuser. He was violent. I can see you minimising what he did in one of your posts, but he was violent and he IS an abuser.

This stage is really tough. You've got all the difficult practical stuff to do (along with all the difficult emotions) and it seems insurmountable, and that voice in your head keeps saying 'have I done the right thing?' and 'maybe he will change' and 'perhaps I was overreacting' and 'perhaps I caused him to be cross'. But you've taken the most difficult step of all by leaving him, do remember that. And he wont change.

Perhaps you could enrol on the Freedom Programme That will help you to move forward. Writing a list of the steps you need to take to begin your new life helps to give your future a shape. Just writing it out makes it less scary. You dont have to do it all at once, even writing down a couple of things a day when you feel able. Probably at the top of the list should be to minimise contact with your ex. Reading your posts, it looks like he is still trying to control you. Take that from him by not engaging with him in any way. Getting a solicitor will be helpful - I found a strong solicitor who took on all the crap my XH would have preferred to throw at me.

You've done a brilliant thing for your family by leaving, you can do this and you will have a lovely future waiting for you. My DD is an adult now and would tell you that me leaving her father was absolutely the right decision for her. She would have ended up being brought up in a miserable home where we walked on eggshells constantly and our happiness was decided by someone else.

Oh and just to address your worry about being in your 40s with children and therefore destined to be alone, I think there are many of us who could attest to that not being the case.

We will be moving back to civilisation soon, this is a holiday place and it was that, going home or being homeless, originally I booked it for two weeks confident that we would be renting after that, but obviously I came up against a lot of refusal for rentals, so we have been here nearly two months.

I can’t wait to get back into the town and near friends again.

Once we are moved I’m going to look for part time work (school kitchen type stuff) just to earn money but also to be around people.

I’m my own worst enemy when I’m on my own, my mind goes off into a tangent and I’ve started to really miss the kids because they are becoming my company!

I can sort of see a future without him, by September when youngest goes to school I want to have some work in place and possibly have started a divorce but I only get little flashes of that before panic or upset takes over.

I’m trying to start our own little routines, Saturday night is film and take away night etc and the kids get in bed with me a lot. I think we need the stability of our own place, but last time I rented was about 20 years ago so how you even do that leaves me a bit stumped.

Have you got anywhere lined up op?

Yes thank god. It’s cost a fortune in rent up front, but yes x

You have achieved so much already - you have done all of the heavy lifting and you are physically and mentally exhausted right now. Take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and try to quieten your mind for a bit.

You have endured multiple layers of DV and EA - from both your DH and his abusive family for years. This has eroded your mental and physical health and changed your rational though patterns.

You have shielded your DCs from it, you have taken the hardest decision in the world to end the marriage - this is weighing down on you right now ONLY because your own mind is wired to his thinking. Soon your head will know that you have given your children the greatest gift by being brave and leaving.

You have put in such hard work to get to this decision, you have also implemented the logistics of this decision with young children and a STBXH sabotaging your every move - by moving house. But you have done this TWICE now so you are a double hero. It is exhausting for anyone to move house / never mind one who has lived in a war zone and who’s STBXH is still setting land mines everywhere. Your current accommodation to extend the war zone analogy from a PP, is like a temporary refugee camp - it’s just where you “landed” fleeing the persecutor - so your experience and expectations here are limited - this isn’t the happy ever after.

Your new home will give you another chapter - to settle, regroup, restore, nest and rest and build a happy healthy peaceful home.

Don’t look too far ahead.

But you need to cut all contact with STBXH. He is manipulating and undermining you - every word he says has a toxic agenda. To guilt you into coming back. You need physical and emotional space to rest, reflect, recharge and grow stronger. You should block is number and he should only be able to contact you by email - relating only to the divorce and access - which you will read once a week after they have been censored by a friend.

You need to emotionally protect yourself - that is down to you. Take yourself out of punching distance. Don’t give him any opportunity to hurt you. Don’t engage. Each time you engage with him - he leaves you hurt and confused - this then preoccupies you and it’s like a game of snakes and ladders. You put in the distance, climb a ladder, engage with him and are pulled down a snake. This is too exhausting. You need your finite emotional energy for your DCs and your future - not drained and dissipated by this arsehole.

You need some simple affirmations - you are strong and brave and you have done the best thing for your children - it will get better in time.

You are a smart cookie planning the job and fun back in town with your friends.

Write a big long list of all of the shit things he and his family did to you. Refer to it when you are wavering - and promise yourself that nothing else will get added to the list because you are on your guard.

Keep going - you are doing great. Pace yourself.

I agree op you have done the hard bit..well lots of big bits actually!!

I would say change your expectations from being happy, to just getting through a day without crying to start (or just an hour).....

Everytime your thoughts run away with you, do something towards your new life,
make a plan, or moodboard, how do you want your and DDs life to be in your new home?
What did you enjoy before vile ex came along? would you want to start it up again?
What hobbies would you really like to have, can you research your new area for clubs to join?
Explore your interests both old and new and work out how you can start some of them.....even with no cash to spare you can do lots of things.

Upgrade your CV, make potential work contacts, check out job sites to see what is out there....you should be far to busy to dwell......

Make peace with the sadness, accept it ...one day you will find it has gone, one day you will feel genuine excitement for something...just don't wait around...create your new life regardless..

Oh you poor thing, you sound very sad and lonely. But there's a great community of people here willing to be supportive. Try joining in some of the conversations on the Chat board for a bit of distraction and social contact.

You're not happy with him, and you're not happy without him - yet.
"My DH has not helped one bit since we left (think keeping stuff we need, not giving me money to try to force me back, not moving out etc)" - he's still able to abuse you so it's really hard for you to be happy at this stage. But when you get yourself sorted it'll be easier.

Also, staying away will have a much better effect on the children.
You said "He wasn’t usually violent" - that's no environment for children to grow up in, even if it was unusual for him to be violent, they would be aware that it's something that could happen, and would be constantly on alert (I grew up with this).

You mention about your mum being difficult, so chances are you have probably been conditioned from a young age to accept unacceptable behaviour. This is NOT your fault!! You may find it beneficial to do the Freedom Programme, and to read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That?"

The more insight you get into abusive behaviour, the easier you will find your own life in future - you'll learn how to put up boundaries instead of letting your husband and mother treat you poorly.

You've taken that big first step - well done.
P.S. Don't feel your romantic life is over, but look after yourself for a while before you get into dating. I have a relative who was widowed in her 50s. She's now late 80s and has buried two more husbands!