Doubts, decisions and feeling awful

[Elliebellybum]

So, posted on here a few times. Left DH after a DV incident, he was a controlling man who was prone to a bit of pushing and shoving but on the night in question it went further.
He was arrested, I left with the kids and here we are....

He’s very vocal that he’s changed and that he wants us back. I don’t doubt that he does very much miss us and want us back.

I had been unhappy for several years.

But now? Now I feel equally unhappy.
We have found a place to rent and I’m scared about that, it was awful to tell him, I can’t seem to find it in me to start the divorce that I’m going to need financially and everywhere I decision wise it feels like there are steaming piles of shit frankly.

I’m not young (40s) but my children are, so I’m probably not likely to meet anyone. So a life alone beckons. This isn’t a problem now, but in 15 years?
A life of pointless jobs to make end meet beckons.
A lot of “did I do the right thing” beckons.

I could just go back, go to marriage guidance, try to make it work and not face all of that.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing for the children (three of them), will they one day hate me for splitting us all up? Will I hate me?

DH says it’s all my decision. He won’t start a divorce, so that’s down to me.

I feel like I hold all of our lives in my hand and have got responsibility for everyone’s happiness all of a sudden.

During our marriage I rarely got to make “big” decisions so it’s very uncomfortable for me to be the one faced with making the biggest decision ever.

Well done. You can do this! Do not go back.💐

How are you feeling today Ellie?

Thanks for asking!

A bit down in the dumps, we’ve had words over child maintenance and I’m pretty sure papers for court for his child access are going to turn up imminently.

I keep thinking how much he’s promised but how he has actually delivered nothing, his maintenance suggestion for the kids is appalling (really appalling) and it’s just that he won’t even see the kids ok that’s got to me.

We have trekked around with bun bags of our stuff and he’s allowed us to do that. Who does that?

Lots of us here to listen Ellie, if ever you need to vent. You can do this. It won't always be this painful, promise. A day at a time.

We have trekked around with bun bags of our stuff and he’s allowed us to do that. Who does that?

A complete bell end, that's who.

You're doing the right thing. You and your DC deserve so much better than this Grade A tosspot.

Is there someone strong and feisty in your family or friendship circle that you can lean on for support? I'm thinking of my own elderly great aunt who went hiking the Andes in her 70s with her best friend (ie life partner but you can't say that if you were born before 1940) and didn't take shit from anyone.

Even someone you're not that close to. If one of my cousins messaged me today that they were having problems kicking out a manipulative, piss-taking emotional vampire, I would get in my car right now. I haven't seen any of my cousins for at least 5 years but I would totally go to bat for them.

I feel totally betrayed by him.

Me and the kids have lost bloody everything. All my savings are gone renting this place and paying rent up front for the next place, I’m not going to recoup that.
I’ve gone from a comfy life to being skint. I spent nearly all my life like that until I met DH and it improved.
Now I’ve put me and the children back into that position.

I just can’t get his thinking. Wouldn’t you do anything, literally anything if you loved someone as much as he claims to love me?

I keep waiting for him to do this thing that will make me think “Yes. He’s changed, he’s actually sorry” but it doesn’t come and I get more disappointed and disheartened because I really want him to be better than this.

Once you get settled 'stuff' won't matter. We had months without lampshades and few light bulbs!!
But no twat to grind me down!
Years down the line, remarried and `stuff 'still isn't important. Any spare cash goes on days out /camping /ice creams!!

It's fine to grieve for the person you thought they were, Ellie. I spent months hanging on to the fantasy of what our life could be like, if only he would see how close it was and behave differently. It felt tangibly close, but really it was light years away. And leaving behind that fantasy was a real wrench.
He is feeding the fantasy by telling you how much he loves you but his actions tell you differently - cognitive dissonance.

You will build up your savings again in time. Yes money might be lost but you and your DCs are more important.

I’m such a mix of emotions.
I’m angry at him, really angry, but I also think how I would feel if he met someone else and it’s not a good feeling.
I hate the thought of his life carrying on without me in it, I feel.....well jealous I suppose.

I have all these emotions going on that do make me wonder if I’ve done the right thing.

And I’m so lonely. Life was never exciting but now it’s me and the kids stuck in the middle of nowhere until we move, it’s like ground hog day every day with no one here to share the load.

I don’t even know what I m expecting anyone to say.

I thought I would find leaving empowering, but mostly I’m finding it really painful and it hurts more than I expected it to.

For all he was/is an arse, for all he has been abusive he wasn’t always and there have been very, very happy times. I was unhappy for quite a while because of how he was but I would give a lot to go back to those happy times again.

I want to be this strong person who goes on alone and thrives, but I keep thinking at some point he's going to get overnights with the kids, I’m going to lose them as well whereas if I went back, did marriage guidance etc I wouldn’t have to.

I veer from one thing to the other, sometimes I can’t ever see me going back, other times it’s like a panic attack hits me at the thought of never going back or being with him again.

I miss a hug and I miss company and tbh some evenings I just miss him, just the him that I liked and that made me laugh.

Is that just weak??

No it's not weak, it's human. You are a lovely, normal, lonely human being missing companionship. However, your whole thread exudes strength in the face of real and mental challenges and you are winning through. In your heart of hearts you know that a life with him is not going to be good for you or your kids. You need to keep working on through and wait for time to catch up. I think you will feel way better when you have some adult companionship. Everything feels harder when you only have your own mind for thougts to wander. Please keep on with this course of action, it's better for everyone in the end.
You are not just weak you are just strong.

I would give anything to just sleep more than a few hours!
I’m awake worrying about him, if I’ve done the right thing or how to pull together moving into the new place (luckily have rallied lots of people)
I’m turning into a tearful wreck that people are going to start avoiding soon.

Is it meant to be this awful?

You're grieving. For the life you wanted, for the good parts of the life you had and for what you wanted for your dc. Of course it's going to be hard at first.

But he fucked all that up, not you. And these feelings do not mean that going back is the right decision.

Your dc are only young now and they've already seen so much. If you go back, things could escalate and your poor dc would have to witness more. He could turn his violence towards them. Emotionally blackmail them. It could mess them up for the future. And no dc should have to live on eggshells. Nor you!

It's your decision. But I've read so many threads on here with women who cannot find the strength to leave. You've actually done it! I think that's pretty amazing

I want to tell you my experience. I had a DV incident many years ago, well three actually, and on the third I called the police and my partner got arrested. It wasn’t a very bad DV incident (in that I wasn’t very hurt) but the police took it very seriously and because we had a toddler we had a visit from Social Services. My partner got some anger management counselling and he signed some kind of contract with the Social worker that he wouldn’t ever physically assault me again, otherwise their involvement would get more serious. This was about 8 or 9 years ago. We are still together and he hasn’t been physically violent since BUT the emotional abuse has grown and grown. I walk around on eggshells, I don’t fully feel relaxed in my home unless he is out, he resents me still for calling the police that time, blames me for everything. He is the most passive aggressive person in the world and I feel like I have been punished every day since I gave him that second chance. I think if you turned back now and went back to your partner (which I totally understand must be tempting when your self esteem is low and you are scared of the future) it would not be a bed of roses. He will probably be nice initially but that will soon wear off and he will want his own back for you daring to try and break away and take his control away. In the end it will be worse than before. If he is controlling he will be seething by how much control you are taking deep down but hiding it right now in an attempt to get the control back. It is early days, you aren’t settled yet and you are being too hard on yourself. I hope I have the courage to leave my partner soon, am building up to it but am in genuine awe of you for coming this far. Keep fighting for a better life, you will get there in the end alone. Lean on your friends, be kind to yourself and keep focussed on the life you deserve and want for you and your children. X

www.divorcemag.com/articles/stages-of-grief-during-and-after-divorce/

You are in emotional turmoil Ellie - as PP has said you are grieving. There are many stages in grief, they are not always sequential or linear - they may ebb and flo, come and get you like a wave (which will pass until the next time) or all come at once. But it will fade in time and joy will come back to your life.

Maybe just roll with it for now, take it easy as this is very exhausting, try to make life simple - you are not in a good place to make a decision to go back. In 6 months you will be more clear what you want. He will be out to manipulate you right now with charm, false declarations and promises - or even a GF to trigger any jealousy. Don't rise to it.

Don't clutter your head with the future - just give yourself enough emotional space each hour to get through it....find moments to cherish if you can. Be proud that you have taken your children to a place of safety and building a calm and peaceful home in which they will flourish.

He is already being very manipulative. Money is a very big concern, the place we are in is horrendously expensive and we have been here a lot longer than I expected (2 week stop gap before renting I thought until I discovered I was the least attractive person to rent to EVER) so we have been here weeks and weeks, it’s eaten money.

I had the foresight to squirrel money for some time before this happened, so I do have money, but now we are living on that rather than adding to it.

He doesn’t know about this so thinks I’m living off what was in my account and that’s it.

So I’ve had to ask for money, because of the price of this place I asked for 4 weeks rent.

He’s basically saying of course he would like to help, he just needs to know when I’m coming back and I just need to agree the access he wants to the children (currently supervised as per two solicitors and a DV workers advice)

When I wouldn’t relent in either he then made his ridiculous maintenance offer, with us both knowing he could pay 5 times that comfortably.

I don’t get it, these are his children ffs and he's using them like a bargaining chip.

He will see us on the street if that’s what it takes as he keeps saying “but you have a home you just need to come back to it”

If it wasn’t for the money I hid we actually wouldn’t be able to buy food right now as I am waiting for benefits to get sorted.

If I went home I don’t think he would hit me again, but I do think I would pay in a lot of other ways

For context in case anyone thinks I have unreasonable expectations for maintenance, he has offered £100 pm. To cover all three children.

I don’t get it, these are his children ffs and he's using them like a bargaining chip.

This is because he is abusive - nothing should surprise you. This is coercive control and financial abuse. Record and report it.

He will play dirty - but he is not above the law. Ignore his pathetic maintenance offer it is NOT HIS CALL - only engage with solicitor via the courts - they will decide. Your legal fees can be deferred and come out of the family pot. It will all come out in the wash - you will be fairly treated but he will try to obstruct and wear you down - so race the through the process with a very strong lawyer who is experienced dealing with his types.

Do not engage with him. Block his phone number or have another phone. Only access emails once a week - ask a friend to screen ahead of you reading - and only deal with appropriate matters.

Have you started the ball rolling with official maintenance?

Not yet, no regarding maintenance. I don’t want to go into it too much as it’s outing but he is very able to manipulate earnings on paper whilst raking money in. What he offered is in line with what he would have to pay as very difficult to prove the other money.

Speak to you sol about this directly and take their advice. You can instruct a forensic accountant. If he is not paying tax you can report him to HMRC. These are all legal issues that should not worry you but should be directed by your sol.

Hi Ellie. You will feel stronger in time.

PP have said the things I would have said but I did want to mention advice that I've seen on here in case it helps you. Ignore it if it doesn't!

If he is self employed, pays himself dividends etc, making his salary appear less, then you have to ask the CSA people to look into it more deeply. They don't automatically do this apparently.

My h is self employed and still claims he is earning the same as 20 years ago! Err, okaaay. (What sort of accountant are you?!) I haven't had to go down the CSA route yet but knowing about the above will really help if I need to.

Good luck to you. Wishing you strength x