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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Response from my mum - can’t stop crying tonight

75 replies

User74000007 · 14/01/2019 19:27

I posted the other day about parents being in their 50s and never seeming to have much time etc.

I was told to be clear about invitations to meet up etc and if they declined them or showed no interest then to deal with the fact that I won’t have that relationship with them.

I’m so upset tonight as I arranged to meet my mum (again 9 miles for her and around 35 for me) and she told me in passing (!!) that she was away on the day we were supposed to meet. I reminded her we were supposed to meet and she said she forgot because she had been so busy. I told her I was completely hurt and fed up of being messed around and the bottom of her priority list. She told me I was being dramatic and I didn’t understand how difficult it had been for her since starting a two day a week job (working at home both days?!). I’ve come off the phone feeling so sad.

I know mumsnetts are right and I need to stop trying to organise things and make plans. Why does it hurt so much? I feel so sad. Last night I was planning on buying her lunch when we met as I hadn’t seen her in a while. I feel like a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 19:28

She’ll happily arrange things with my dad and do lovely things and travel around. She’s even been known to drive over an hour to pick up a items of clothing she wants. It hurts so much :(

OP posts:
MB1080 · 14/01/2019 19:29

I feel your pain. I am currently pregnant with my parents first grandchild and she has made no effort to come and see me. She has expected me to come running to her and pick up furniture when I have asked her to drop it off she makes on excuse.

My mother runied my hen do and morning of my wedding with her same selfish behaviour.

Mothers in their 50s Shock

Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 19:31

It’s so hard MB isn’t it? she literally doesn’t want to make any effort where I’m concerned. I honestly feel like she doesn’t give a shit about me. Maybe that’s not true but it is completely how I feel tonight. Broken.

OP posts:
Beamur · 14/01/2019 19:31

It is hurtful, but there probably isn't very much you can do. Make plans to do things with friends and spend your time with people who do value your company.
Sadly our parents are not always the parents we would choose.
Stop putting yourself through this.

Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 19:32

Why can’t I stop it? I am desperate for her to call and to say she wants to see me. She hasn’t even called back.

If a friend did this I would probably never speak to them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 19:33

At the weekend she said she couldn’t wait to see me on x date!!! Said she was looking forward to it! So fucking fake

OP posts:
RLABC · 14/01/2019 19:33

I haven't seen my son for almost 10 months now (we live in different countries) but if he were anywhere near me I'd be there like a shot!
Unmumsnetty hugs to you OP Flowers

Beamur · 14/01/2019 19:37

We make way more allowances for family - especially parents I think (voice of experience) because they should be the ones who love us and care about us. I'm guessing you're a more devoted Mum, so it's really tough that your own Mum is less attached.
It's easy to say, but you have to try and detach from this - it's an unhealthy dynamic and is obviously making you sad.
I'm sure your Mum loves you, but perhaps not in the way that you want her too. It really isn't your fault.

Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 19:40

I don’t have children. I just cannot imagjne a relationship like this with my own. I wouldn’t see the point in having them. Thank you for calming me down. Feel very alone.

OP posts:
candycane222 · 14/01/2019 19:41

This is not a normal way for a mother to behave I don't think, there is something odd about her and to be honest even from the short amount of info here, I would guess it is unlikely she will ever change.

It must be incredibly hurtful - but she must always have been a bit like this? I think you need to grieve the mother you would have liked to have had, and realise that you are a worthwhile and loveable person - and that she is the one with something missing because she isn't able to treat you lovingly.

In your position I would seek some counselling with someone who could help me love myself and accept that my mother was never going to treat me well.

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 14/01/2019 19:46

Oh OP- I TOTALLY get this!

I’ve been bottom of my mothers priority list (granted for good reasons) for ages now and it sucks!

Whilst I tell myself it’s understandable- and she repeats the ‘it’ll be better when...’ mantra - it doesn’t make it suck less!

Also doesn’t excuse the complete lack of notice/communication/commitment I get!

Turning up hours late/ cancelling last minute/ ‘accidentally’ double booking herself - and somehow it’s always ‘ME’ being ‘dramatic’ or ‘judgemental’ or not appreciating ‘how much she does’!

Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 19:47

She’s not a bad person though. I think I just struggle to identify with her sometimes, in terms of how she deals with things. We have had moments of laughing together and really agreeing on stuff. It’s just this stuff I find crazy...why would she want to treat me like this? I don’t get it? And why get angry and defensive when I try and stand up for myself?

If I had causally told a friend I was on holiday on the day I was meant to meet them...I mean come on it’s not rocket science that that friend would feel like I didn’t give a shit about seeing them or more importantly I didn’t even care enough to cancel and tell her!!!

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 14/01/2019 19:51

I am terrible with my calendar. And often mix things up and sometimes double-book.
Forgot about a party this weekend, made it at the last min.

So - given that you done have kids and only live half hour away - why couldn’t you both re-schedule rather than turning it into a drama?

I haven’t read your other post - but unless there is some neglect or abandonment in your childhood - your reaction seems quite severe.

Was she a good mother when you were growing up?

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 14/01/2019 19:55

@MMom

If OP’s mum is anything like mine - OP will have been ‘rescheduling’ since November!

It’s fine if someone behaves this way occasionally - but if it’s constant consistent behaviour then rescheduling is futile!

Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 19:57

I’m never ever a priority. A better offer has come up that’s all it is.

OP posts:
CatnissEverdene · 14/01/2019 20:01

I love my mum, and think she loves me in her own way but she is very self absorbed and always has been.

She was coming over yesterday to see me and my adult DC but went off for lunch with my sister instead. She and my sister work together, so she'd only seen her 5 days this week Hmm. I've not seen her since Christmas day.

All I've done is made sure that I will never make my own DC feel the way she makes me feel. So in some ways I thank her for showing me the parent I never want to be.

Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 20:02

That’s a nice way of looking at it!

I really don’t want to hate her as I genuinely think she has a lot of her own problems from a horrible upbringing. Maybe that’s excusing things for her but even if it is that’s ok.

I just want to make sure I don’t let myself feel this hurt again and working out how to do that is hard

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 14/01/2019 20:03

It's not mothers in their 50s. It's crap mothers. When my mother was in her 50s she would never have treated me or my sister like this.

It sounds like she isn't very interested in you, OP. I'm terribly sorry. Some people shouldn't be parents. I would recommend talking to a therapist about this - no doubt she was also like this when you were growing up.

DareDevil223 · 14/01/2019 20:06

I'm a mother in my early 50s with a grown up DS. I work full time in a busy job and I always have and always will make as much time as possible for my son. I love him and I love his company.

My mum would have done anything for me also. It's not normal to treat a child like that. Poor you. It must be so hurtful. Can you detach a bit? You shouldn't have to but it might protect you a bit Flowers

Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 20:10

The thing I struggle with is that my parents always blame me. I’m difficult, unreasonable etc. Labels I was given as a child but all these years later (even if they did apply then) they don’t now - as far as I know! Haha. My friends say I’m reliable and kind and flexible and thoughtful. So either I was an awful child and changed as an adult or I was never actually those things as a child.

Who knows.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 14/01/2019 20:10

I read your other thread OP. So sorry she has messed you around again. I know mothers of many ages and not one would behave like this.

She’s not a bad person though

I have to disagree. She's just not a nice person and it's not you, you deserve so much better. Get some counselling to talk through how hurtful this is. Flowers

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/01/2019 20:10

Okay, this is going to sound harsh.

I have a good friend whose adult daughter is single, doesn't have a very big social circle and is very clingy. I know that my friend finds her quite draining.

If it came to it, I'm sure my friend would walk over hot coals for her daughter, but she finds the prospect of lunch with her less than thrilling. She does have a much better relationship with her other children.

I'm not saying she's right by the way; I think she should suck it up and give her kids equal time and attention. But yes, she's just a very different person to her daughter and wishes her daughter was more self sufficient.

Original poster
User74000007 · 14/01/2019 20:11

tinkly that does feel harsh but I think it’s spot on. I don’t think she likes my company at all.

OP posts:
GloryforGloves · 14/01/2019 20:16

I’m going to join the crap mother’s club. I last saw mine Dec 2017. She’s only seen my DS twice (now 18 months). That was the last time.

My DM doesn’t work and lived just 7 miles away (until she moved last May but has refused to give me her address Confused).

Like you, I kept trying to schedule meet-ups in and she would either ignore me invitation or cancel on the day, usually once I was ready to leave or once I’d started on lunch if she was planning on coming to me.

I’ve now decided to stop making the effort and we are pretty much no contact now. It hurt for a long time when I realised we only had a relationship because I kept pushing for it. I’m happier now after spending the best part of a year mourning her.

Though it’s hard, use this a means to evaluate your relationship and figure out what’s going to be better for you. Flowers

arranbubonicplague · 14/01/2019 20:16

Of course it's painful. You're grieving for the relationship that you wish you had with your parents, particularly your mother.

However, we can only change our reaction to something, we know, in our hearts that we can't change other people. You can't change your parents or mother.

Their lack of a demonstrable interest in you probably feels like a physical bodyblow, it is so painful. Presumably, you've told your parents/mother that your wish for the future is a relationship based on mutual respect and mutual consideration, and that you fondest hope is that this is their/her wish too.

Perhaps this doesn't involve face-to-face meetings for the present as there seems to be (at best) a degree of reluctance. If so, on your part, you may need to accept that you love them at a distance and without any current involvement with them. Your ability to cope with a very different form of relationship than the one that you want may also require you to be willing to put all of this hurt behind you and embrace this for the time being. Only you can know how plausible this is for you.