Response from my mum - can’t stop crying tonight

[User74000007]

I posted the other day about parents being in their 50s and never seeming to have much time etc.

I was told to be clear about invitations to meet up etc and if they declined them or showed no interest then to deal with the fact that I won’t have that relationship with them.

I’m so upset tonight as I arranged to meet my mum (again 9 miles for her and around 35 for me) and she told me in passing (!!) that she was away on the day we were supposed to meet. I reminded her we were supposed to meet and she said she forgot because she had been so busy. I told her I was completely hurt and fed up of being messed around and the bottom of her priority list. She told me I was being dramatic and I didn’t understand how difficult it had been for her since starting a two day a week job (working at home both days?!). I’ve come off the phone feeling so sad.

I know mumsnetts are right and I need to stop trying to organise things and make plans. Why does it hurt so much? I feel so sad. Last night I was planning on buying her lunch when we met as I hadn’t seen her in a while. I feel like a fucking idiot.

This makes me so sad for you OP. this is absolutely not just an overreaction to a scheduling issue. And yours is not an idealised dream of how a mother child relationship should be. What you want IS how a mother child relationship should be. You should absolutely be a priority for her. You should be able to rely on her, and it must be scary as hell for you to not be able to rest safe in the knowledge that she is there for you.

While me and my mum don’t have a ‘best friends’ type relationship where we tell each other anything, she would do virtually anything for me and drop other plans to see me or my sister if she knew it was important. I say this not to rub salt in the wound but just because I think this is normal and your mum frankly is not.

Get therapy. Have zero expectations of her going forward. But know that this is not your fault. Some people are just chronically self centred and being parents doesn’t necessarily change that.

I really wish you well.

I posted on your other thread OP and I’m sorry this further disappointment has happened, but I think you should treat it as an opportunity to accept the reality of the relationship and move on. Your childhood role as the awkward one has not been rewritten in your parents’ eyes and it probably won’t be now. Step back, make no contact, throw yourself into your own life

I know it's hard to accept the reality of the relationship OP. I've been there myself and it is very painful and has taken a lot of time to accept. If you have kids, I'm pretty sure you'll have a loving relationship with them.

I think the previous poster who said step back, leave them to it and throw yourself into your own life is right.

OP a pp made a very wise point about apron strings can't be sewn back on. Your mother has inadvertently set you free from years of hellish caring in the future.

Mummy No it's not. But it sounds like there are a lot of uninterested middle aged mothers around.

Looking at it from the mother's point of view, personally I have three grown up kids, living in three different cities (one abroad) and one kid still in school. I also have my disabled DFiL living with us.

DH and I retired early, after a busy life raising four kids and running a business, to have some time doing what we want. I have a progressive disability and limited energy and want to make the most of my life while I can.

I think I have a good relationship with all my kids and see them when I can, but maybe I don't make as much time for them as I should. Basically, despite not working, I feel spread very thin; I have a lot to fit in, in what I always fondly imagined would be my time.

I think some people here are missing the point.

At the weekend the mum says ‘I’m looking forward to seeing you’

Today it’s ‘oh I have a scheduling clash, I am my priority, stop being dramatic’

That’s not wanting your child to be more independent or wanting time to yourself. That’s good old fashioned ‘backstop’ shit - keeping someone in reserve to have lunch with in case you don’t get a better offer, and dropping them when you do.

My mum used to say how draining she found me, it’s a shitty way to talk about your own child. That whole ‘I love you but don’t like you’ attitude is abusive IMO. The impact on the child is incredibly damaging. Not being able to enjoy the company of your child is a failing in yourself to accept them for who they are.

OP, she sounds awful. I don’t see my mum anymore and it’s a blessed relief to be free of the hope (and crashing disappointment) that I might one day get a mum who values me for me.

It's shit to be prepared to drive further to pick up an item of clothing you've ordered (as OP said her mother would do) than you can be bothered to drive to keep the appointment you've made to spend time with one of your kids. That's a special level of 'disinterested'. Or selfish, we could call it.

I am also surprised at some of the responses here. I am 50-ish, and have a DD and DS in their early to mid 20's, and no WAY would I cancel on them, if we arranged to meet, unless there was a very good reason. I love their company, and I (and DH) are always there when they need us.

Someone said 'I'm 50 with adult children and I'm very tired of active parenting and advice seeking.' What a bizarre comment. Do you think someone should stop being a mother as soon as the child hit 18?

Why the hell do some people have this mindset that as soon a child hits 18, they need to fuck off? They don't suddenly stop needing their mother when they hit 18. It's like the bizarre attitudes (from some) that's it's practically criminal behaviour for a young adult to be still living at home past the age of 21. And if they go to uni (at 18,) they must NEVER return. Indeed, make sure you get a one-bed bungalow so they never can!

Awful attitude towards your own children. And I say that as someone whose 2 have flown the nest, both left at 18 for uni, then moved in with their mates afterwards, then moved in with their partner - 15-30 miles from me and their dad (my DH.)

They are independent with successful careers, and are have no plans to live with us anytime soon, but if their life goes belly up for a bit, and they need to come home, they will be more than welcome. There will ALWAYS be a place for them here, and we will ALWAYS be here for them. And they know it.

I can't imagine why some people have such a horrible attitude, and say 'I have done my nurturing, and now I'm entitled to my me-time, and my kids can fuck off at 18, and stand on their own two feet.'

'My priority is ME now' How selfish and mean. And as for the 'mothers in their 50's' comment! PLEASE stop. Not all mothers in their 50's are like this. Many are lovely, and some mothers in their 20's, 30's, 40,'s, and 60's, (and even older,) are awful!

The OP sounds insecure and fragile and in NEED of her mother's love. Is that not ALLOWED because she is a 'grown up' now?

Jesus........... words fail me!

@User74000007 Look after yourself. Sadly you probably won't ever be able to change your self-centred, selfish mother, but you can change how you react to her. You perhaps need to distance yourself from her, keep her at arms length, and try to not show you care. Eventually she will need you, and she needs to be careful, because if she treats you like shit too often, she may find she is a very lonely old woman in a few years time....

My mother repeatedly told me that she was the priority through childhood and adulthood. I remember tentatively telling her that her Uncle was sexually abusing me and she replied 'how do you think this makes me feel MsForestier? This is really awkward for me'

I'll be delighted to tell her when I'm 55 and she's 76 that I'm the priority now!

Well said Robininbrum.

My mother's very similar so i know exactly how you feel. All the time in the world for my siblingd and their partners, but im an inconvenience. unmumsnetty hug

What I see from your post is that you are competing with your dad for your mum time .
I might be good idea to think about why you need to do this .competing I mean . In the future why not make plans with both parents or just your dad?

Thanks for the posts.

My dad wouldn’t do anything without my mum. I think in the past some of the reluctance to meet and travel has come from him possibly. Although my mum was very clear last night when she said she didn’t think meeting again so soon after Christmas was a big deal etc

I think people’s opinions on this are in one of two camps. I think the problem is my mum would be in one and I would be in the other. She obviously sees a relationship with me very differently to what I would like. The poster who mentioned childhood gaps, I definitely agree with this and think I am looking for her to behave in a way that satisfies that feeling of loss I had as a child. I need to stop that, she’s never been one for huge emotional support and that’s just who she is. She has other great points.

Why would you not go around to your parents house if you want to see your Mum? Rather than having travelled 35 miles and she lives only 9 miles further on.
I'm only asking to see if you had a very specific plan thought out for her in your head, and then when she doesn't stick to your exact plan perhaps you get annoyed and upset. I remember the last time you asked her to meet you for coffee. Are you trying to get her alone away from your Dad.

My mum does the same spiel. ‘I gave up SO much for you, now it’s my time!’

The fact she has been saying that to me since I was 10 is irrelevant and she speaks as if the decision to have children was completely out of her hands. The poor soul was just handed 3 kids she didn’t want but she heroically gave up everything and lived a hard life and now it’s all about her.

As a consequence I no longer speak to her. She didn’t acknowledged the birth of her two grandchildren but she happily went on a cruise around Antartica.

So she has made her choice. Zero relationship with her daughter and very strained relationships with her sons.

But it’s ok. She is making it about her now.

There are some very strange responses on this thread. robininbrum has nailed it, in my view.

OP , I feel for you. Your mother sounds wildly self-absorbed and her comments to you are hurtful. It's difficult but I think you should work on trying to detach yourself from her because she doesn't seem to be interested in anything much but herself.

I feel for you OP I really do. I am now 51, not much younger than your mum and we have a brilliant relationship with our mother. Even when my dad retired early at 57 and they were having a great life i.e. 3-4 holidays, weekends away etc we never felt neglected in any way. Now that my parents are older we would all (four siblings) be still very close to my mum. I would see her at least once a week and talk once or twice a week. Just know that this is not of your making. Unfortunately you cannot change the way your mum feels right now.

Maybe she will change her ways later when it is her that needs you more but it may be too late at that stage. Sorry OP - I do hope things improve.

I'd love to know what your relationship was like when you were a child/infant. Was she affectionate and loving towards you then? Some parents have issues from their own childhood and sometimes unconsciously take it out on one of their own children.

She was a good mum when we were growing up in the sense that we were always well dressed, fed, helped with homework, lots of attention with school work and very interested in what we did at school, alwyas came to watch us in things and sorted out all sorts of extra curricular activities that she’d take us to. Practically my mum is brilliant. Organised, thinks ahead, made sure we didn’t miss out.

The one thing I felt that I didn’t have was someone who would stop and really listen. If I was upset or worried or needed a chat it was so short lived, if even properly acknowledged. She can be sympathetic, but it is fleeting and usually associated to whether in her view she thinks a feeling I have is a valid one. I never felt really listened to or understood and when I left to go to university I heard from her loads, lots of calls etc but the emotional distance in terms of it I was ever upset etc was still there and she didn’t travel to see me or anything like that.

Basically these days because I no longer rely on her to take me anywhere or watch me in a school show and so on, what’s left is an adult relationship but where I cannnot express my true self to her and where she cannot be bothered to travel to see me and invest in my life. So now the emotional gap and her lack of understanding of me is all the more apparent, but as a child it was masked by the full on part she had in the practical side of my daily life. Not sure if that makes sense

It does make sense OP. I understand what you mean.

Sorry to see that you have been so upset.
I agree with other posters that you need to take steps back from this relationship as she is never going to be the mum or person that you want her to be. Perhaps, given your recent update, you are still searching for that emotional connection. Unfortunately, it just isn't going to happen and she has clearly expressed to you that her priority is herself.

Your description of your childhood relationship sounds really similar to mine with my own mum. She was always a SAHM and put a huge effort into supporting with with school work, extra curricular activities, really anything educational. However, she was very poor at listening or trying to understand our point of view if we disagreed with her way of doing things. This would result in an argument and huge over reaction on her part. There were some other problems too which have become more obvious to me as I got older and saw many other examples of relationships.

Our relationship has really deteriorated over 20 years or so to the point where we barely speak. In my mind, this is mainly because she has made it clear many times that my children and I are really not a priority for her and she has completely failed to offer support either practically or emotionally when we have been under huge stress with illness or other major life events. I have found this really upsetting as I had wrongly assumed that I could rely on my mum if times were really hard and visa versa.

My suggestion is that you leave your mum to organise meetings in the future and instead fill your life with things that you enjoy and develop close relationships with others. I have a very close relationship with my husband and children and have some wonderful friends who are kind and patient and we mutually support each other as necessary.

The thing I struggle with is that my parents always blame me. I’m difficult, unreasonable etc.

This is what my mother/parents have done to me for years and it is incredibly hurtful. Being told your feelings are actually you over reacting or being dramatic totally undermines what you feel and basically negates your feelings. It’s like telling someone to calm down when they are angry. They are a few words with a horrible sting. I feel for you OP.

Agree you have mixed responses here. My DM is uninterested so I get it, because it hurts. Even now when I have developed a pretty thick skin after all these years, she still has the capacity to say something that will reduce me to tears because it's so apparent that she's not interested.

It hurts because you want to feel like you matter. It's bloody rude to cancel on someone at the last minute because you've had a better offer - regardless of the relationship! You weren't asking her to come and clean your bathroom - just to meet in the middle and have lunch on your dime.

Parents like this need to be careful; all well and good to put the distance in place now because they have better things to do, but expectations in terms of your availability and involvement do tend to change when they get older and need help and care...

She just sounds like someone who doesn't like to be close to people OP. You sound like someone who does. It's just one of those things. It would almost be better if it were personal - then you could do something about it - but I doubt it's personal at all.

My mum is the same, so is my sister. I used to be like you and really try to facilitate and build the relationship but I ran out of energy after I had DC. It was very hard to let them go but it's so much better now!

My dm has let me down and sold me down the river many many times, in ways that were particularly brutal emotionally. I have had two short stints of problem drinking in my life, and both of them were during times when she ignored me for 4-6 months after SHE had screwed ME over, because she didn't want to hear that I was upset or struggling.

My DSis slowly phased me out after I left my dh. It was all too awkward for her. The only things I heard via grapevine was that she was sorry about it but she "didn't do feelings" and that was that.

My DM & DSis phone each other and moan about other people, criticize them, etc. Because they are concerned with how so-and-so shouldn't do x (e.g., leave their marriage!) so that's important to them. I know they talk about how absolutely awful and shit I am. It's fine, they are allowed to think I'm awful. It doesn't affect the fact that I have many wonderful qualities and I'm a good person.

I am a talker, a feeler, someone who likes being close to people and wants to understand and love others. My DM and DSis are more concerned with things like, are all the social rules being followed? is everyone behaving the way they are meant to? have we fulfilled our obligations and duties? ok then let's part ways until the next duty visit in three months' time.

We are like oil and water, and that's just how things go sometimes. I am more like my DF but he has been dead a long time, that's life.

I wait for my DM & DSis to contact me, I make one duty visit a year, I send floridly loving Christmas and birthday cards, and I leave it at that.

I second everything RobinBrum said.

OP, sorry but your mum sounds like a right selfish cow, as do some of the posters on this thread!