Response from my mum - can’t stop crying tonight

[User74000007]

I posted the other day about parents being in their 50s and never seeming to have much time etc.

I was told to be clear about invitations to meet up etc and if they declined them or showed no interest then to deal with the fact that I won’t have that relationship with them.

I’m so upset tonight as I arranged to meet my mum (again 9 miles for her and around 35 for me) and she told me in passing (!!) that she was away on the day we were supposed to meet. I reminded her we were supposed to meet and she said she forgot because she had been so busy. I told her I was completely hurt and fed up of being messed around and the bottom of her priority list. She told me I was being dramatic and I didn’t understand how difficult it had been for her since starting a two day a week job (working at home both days?!). I’ve come off the phone feeling so sad.

I know mumsnetts are right and I need to stop trying to organise things and make plans. Why does it hurt so much? I feel so sad. Last night I was planning on buying her lunch when we met as I hadn’t seen her in a while. I feel like a fucking idiot.

@Tinkly

I don’t think that’s always the case though!

I’m getting married- both high earners- wide social circle!

In comparison to my sibling (who DM spends FAR more time with) I have ooze independence!

Which is why it annoys me so much when she sods around - my free time is precious to me!

OP- your DM may just not think you need her! I’m certainly the ‘Coper’ of my family! The only one who doesn’t ‘need’ her!

@arranbubonicplague very perceptive post. X

Just wanted to say I feel for you OP. You should be able to rely on your family and be 100% yourself when you can't rely on anyone else, and it hurts like hell when you can't.

As pp have said, I'd try and widen your circle a bit, and find other interests that occupy your time - having more in your life will make the rejection less painful. And you may well find she starts missing you and starts scheduling to see you herself...

Thanks all.

We just spoke and she said quite calmly ‘my priority at 55 is me,’ and that ‘it’s only been a few weeks since we saw each other at Christmas.’ I said that was hurtful and why did she bother having children and she called me dramatic and unreasonable. It’s just the same old stuff. I know my place now though.

Agree I need other activities and plans. I feel like shit though. Also feel I have nobody to rely on which is scary.

With respect, OP - how old are you?

I am not yet your mother’s age, and have primary aged children. And they are my priority now.
It is hard work raising kids and take a long time too.

And at some point - kids will grow up and MUST separate from me. Or they won’t ever manage to be full grown happy independent adults.
So - while i’ll still do what I can to help them - and hopefully will see them often, priorities will shift.

At 55 she is still not an old woman. With lots of life still left to live.
And I think you think that you need to be her priority in life, still. Despite being a grown adult yourself.

Have you tried counselling? I think it might help you untangle some issues that seem to come from your ealier relationship with her.

I do expect to be a priority to her, not her only priority. Though I appreciate your post and perhaps I am being unfair on her. I’m 30s so maybe I should be fully out of her list of priorities in life.

I feel a bit lost with it all to be honest. I need to just leave them to it as everyone has said here. I keep thinking something awful will happen so I don’t want to leave things on a bad note.

I never feel like my parents have been there for me much beyond school days. But I do accept that they’re not obliged to be beyond that point. With how I feel now, though, I can guarantee if I have kids I will never ever not be there for them, no matter what their age.

User740...

There is a difference between ‘being there for them’ when kids grow up and having them as the first priority.
It’s hard to tell much from one (or a few posts)...

This post reads like an overreaction to a scheduling issue.
If you wanted to see your mom to discuss something important and she wouldn’t make sure she is there - then yes - she would in fact ‘not been there for you’.... But this post doesn’t seem that.

One of the hardest things to do as a parent is letting go. Letting the kids leave and have their own lives.
Worst thing a parent can do is to make kids rely on them into adulthood. Then they never fully separate. And parents won’t be around for ever.

Your sentence ‘I can’t rely on anyone and it’s scary’ is quite telling.
You are in your 30s. I am sorry, but at that age - you need to have learned to rely on yourself. And have healthy adult relationships with parents and friends.

I hope you figure it out. Do, please, consider talking to a coucelor.

I wish i had a better relationship with my mother too..in the event of a disaster she would be physically available but never emotionally and then shw wouls use the story to show how giving she is. She speaks to my sisters a few times a week. Has my DN overnight every week and covers 2 days of childcare for her.
She hasnt seen or spoken ti me since boxing day. Normally i try to keep contact but every conversation is about mu sisters or is ended after 2 mins with her telling me she is busy.
Last year i had to have emergency surgery, with a 8 weel recovery. She didnt kniw it had happened. It was that long beteween us seeing her.
She has lovely grandchildren in my ones but she hasnt a clue about their lives.

Thanks for the posts. Some posters don’t know the full context but at the same time it is good to read from that perspective as it means I can focus on what objectively I am doing wrong.

I can rely on myself and I do - if you knew me IRL you’d think of me as very independent and probably would have no idea I felt this insecure about the relationship with my mum.

That said, I think there’s a lot to the idea that I shouldn’t be scared of not being able to rely on my mum. I am going to move forwards and remember that.

OP, I think it's OK if your mother tells you that she can't meet with you at a given time, or that she needs to change her plans, because she has something else going on.

But not telling you because "she forgot because she's so busy" is extremely inconsiderate and passive aggressive. You don't do that to a friend, much less to your daughter.

I'm very sorry, OP. I suspect you would benefit from talking about your relationship with your parents with a therapist.

I'm much older late 50's and this has always been the case for me OP, I used to cry buckets over it. Then I decided the only way I could cope would be to detach myself completely and not initiate anything which is what I do. i suppose I see them briefly every 6 months or so despite them living quite close but they don't seem interested in any more than that.
Couldn't be more different with my own son, I drop everything to see him and he is always there for me.

madcat I hope I have that relationship should I have kids. I think my mum means well and I think in her own way she really does her best. But i see it so differently to her...I want a friend in her, I want to be part of her priority list, i want her to want to make menories with me. For her it’s enough to just call now and then. We have different expectations, doesn’t make her a bad person. It’s hard though!

We just spoke and she said quite calmly ‘my priority at 55 is me,’ and that ‘it’s only been a few weeks since we saw each other at Christmas.’ I said that was hurtful and why did she bother having children and she called me dramatic and unreasonable. It’s just the same old stuff. I know my place now though.

I'm pretty much the same age and would never say that to my son, never. How hurtful,

Posting to bookmark, my mum has been a complete bitch to me all my life and some of this helps

A thought... What do you do and talk about when you are with her? Do you think you are hard work to be with now? You said you were branded the unreasonable one as a kid (I was too, by the way), but do you think she still feels that when she is with you now? E.g. do you offload your problems all the time and/or argue with her about stuff, either personally or intellectually?

You haven't said anything that suggests this is the case btw. I only ask as I sometimes still have to consciously remember to ask what is going on in my mum's life and let her talk about herself, because we are both adults and she has needs too - I can be terrible for falling into the child role and just offloading!

OP i read your other thread too. If you had arranged a lunch with a best friend and they then booked a holiday would you think they didn't like you?

I'm 50 with adult children and I'm very tired of active parenting and advice seeking. I would like to have a gap from any form of caretaking before grandchildren. Just to come and go as i please for a few years without it being absolutely vital that I do such and such.

I'm in no way giving your mother a free pass, however when you say:

But i see it so differently to her...I want a friend in her, I want to be part of her priority list, i want her to want to make menories with me.

it sounds very idealised, like something from television or a film. Do you genuinely believe the average parental and adult child relationship is like this? If so, you may need to do some re-evaluation.

I also recommend counselling - it really has changed my life for the better. Some of it was a bit gruelling and it's not always easy but if you do the work it is so worth it.

Here's the thing, OP, my two cents: If we really feel something lacking in childhood, like being prioritized by mum, praised by dad, security, whatever, we will still go looking for it in adulthood. And no matter how much of it we may actually find, it will never feel like it is enough.

In your case, you are still chasing a need that was not fulfilled in childhood, and that is why you get so worked up by it, even now. Not saying your mum acted great. But if you didn't feel this lack from childhood, you would now, in your 30's not obsess about it any more, but accept it as the way your not perfect mum is and get on with your life, maybe surround yourself with friends who care...
You may want to go to counselling to work through that.

TBH get on with your own life. Respect your mum now wanting her own life. I bet if you were busier you wouldn't be as bothered. I think you have expectations she cant and doesnt want to meet. Stop being dramatic and rearrange.

Before she got to bring ill and relying on me, both my mother and I had very busy lives. We would see each other every two months or so.

But. She would remember the date. She would text the week before saying 'so looking forward to seeing you, shall we go to x place for lunch ". She would bring a scarf saying I saw this and thought the colour would be lovely for you.

People saying you have unrealistic expectations are missing the point. Your mother makes you feel like an inconvenience. I feel sad for you.

@TinklyLittleLaugh Her name isn't Carol is it?!

I’m that age and have kids younger than you are (young adult/older teens) and I get where your mum is coming from. Obviously I see mine as they still live with me but I fully anticipate in a few years when the youngest is well settled into uni that I will probably go do a a stint for a few years overseas (lots of different work opportunities that I couldn’t fully take up when the kids were younger).

At that age I would fully expect they would be able to cope just fine for a few years without seeing me and they would be considerably younger than 30yo! I don’t think that makes me a monster that hates my kids or doesn’t care about them and to be honest I think my kids would much prefer I did something like this than having scheduled obligatory Sunday lunch get togethers or what have you. When I was 30yo I had been working in the UK for several years with my family across the other side of the world. My mum was living life to the fullest after the graft of raising kids. Heck, on most occasions I called home she wasn’t even there, out doing stuff and that was before personal email/internet was common and I don’t think FB was in existence. I certainly never expected her to be sitting by the phone once a week waiting for my call in order to prove she loved me or cared about me.

There are some mixed reactions on here. I am approaching mid 50s and I have a DD in her 20s. If anything, I feel guilty that I don’t phone/contact her enough as I am one of those “out of sight,out of mind” people. I send DD texts and WhatsApp photos of silly little things that I think she might like and I always try to see her every 6 weeks or so. I can’t drop everything on demand as I have other commitments and DD knows this. She also knows that I will do my very best to support her if I actually can.

My relationship with my own mother is appalling. She made it clear that at a certain age the apron strings should be cut. She criticises other family members for helping out their adult children. Again, it’s “they need to cut the apron strings.”

What DM didn’t consider is that those apron strings can’t be sewn back on again at whim and when she’s older and demands attention herself.

OP, I feel for you. Your DM is taking you for granted and is assuming that you will always be hanging around waiting for a crumb of attention from her. One day you will have gone and then she won’t know what to do.