My partner of 6-7 years lied to me..

[JKCR2017]

So me and Oh been together 7 years soon, nothing has ever made me not trust him before. Generally when he’s not at work, he’s at home...

Anyway, today he was due to start work at 2pm. He said was leaving early to go to his mums and speak to his brother about his brothers new job (not out of the ordinary, his Mum lives a mile from his workplace). He left at 11.30...

Anyway, I’ve pottered around collected DS from school with DD.

Now, I am always logging onto his emails. He knows this.. we share everything financially etc and I use his email address a lot as my inbox is always full of junk. I had ordered a car seat for DD in his name and I logged on to track it....

His emails are pretty boring but I spotted an email from just park. Just park is an app you use to pay to park rather than using the coin meter. He had parked for 2 hours in the nearest town 8 miles away.

Now, it’s more than likely he has gone to get me a birthday present (birthday in 2 weeks) but why so secretive? Usually I got to pick my own bleddy presents!! 🤷‍♀️ Or he orders something!!

He said he was going to see his brother. He had messaged his brother about popping in (I naughtily been checking his fb emails) and his brothers out the bloody county and I’m sure his mum is at work.

Should I ask why he lied or not?

Do you enjoy it when he polices your movements or do you prefer being treated like a grown up?

He might have gone to town for a coffee before work, buy you a present, stretch his legs, nose through the sales.

When he gets home, ask him,
"How was your brother?"
If he says anyhig that makes it sound like he went to re his brother, then bring up that his brothers out of town and see what he says.

If he was in town he was very likely shopping (for your birthday present). Does 2 weeks before sound like a normal timeframe for him to be sorting out your present?

If it’s stressing you out though I’d ask him. There is also the slight possibility that it’s fraud on his account so you could raise it like that?

Now, it’s more than likely he has gone to get me a birthday present (birthday in 2 weeks) but why so secretive?

Maybe he wants to surprise you? You sound really paranoid and controlling to be honest; checking his every movement.

If he knows you check his emails, he can't order anything online. He will also know that parking receipts get emailed to his account so I wouldn't worry that he's up to no good. Just chill out a bit!

Don't say anything. And stop stalking your husband.

Christ almighty, this digital world freaks me out. I'd hate people knowing my whereabouts.

I think you are minimising how much you are invading his privacy. You 'naughtily' read his fb messages. Why? General nosiness or more?

Your first instinct is probably right, and if you ask him he probably would lie to cover up that? As he doesn't want it to be ruined?

I mean, I would keep an eye that it's not a regular thing but this doesn't sound OTT for now.

Wow you checked his Facebook messages and use his emails a yours are full of junk. You sound like you do check up on him and he has no privacy. It’s not just his privacy you maybe disrespecting but those if his family and friends who may tell him confidential things via these methods. My suggestion would be stop going through his emails, use your owns, respect his privacy and stop checking his messages.

Sort your own inbox out. Using his clearly isn't working for both of you anymore because you're now using that access to read his mails and second guessing where he is.

I can access DPs emails and Facebook messages, as he can mine. We'd never check through for this type of thing, and if one of us did; we would rescind the access. It starts off just looking at things that catch your eye, and you end up feeling entitled to know everything and wanting someone to share their live location with you at all times. And before you say that won't happen, you were already reading his Facebook messages once you realised he wasn't where you thought he was...

I'd guess he's gone to get your present, or a coffee. I do that fairly often. You can talk to him and find out, and I'd be a bit if he's regularly lying about where he is, but if he's using his brother as a cover up to get your present, you can't really criticise that...

Do you suspect he's been up to something? That is the question.

Id also go with the 'how was your brother' and see what he says, if he lies again confront him... ignore all the idiots telling you 'you shouldn't be snooping'

Thanks all. I use his email address a lot for online shopping. Mainly because it tends to be with his card (I am not working at the minute). I was tracking the order as I didn’t want to miss it when I popped out.. I wasn’t planning to check any of his emails but I seen the ‘just park’ email and wondered what was going on. It’s weird because I remember he asked if the road into town was shut for re surfacing (he works in the opposite direction to where he went this afternoon)

Going into town is completely utterly out of the norm for him. He is a bit of a hermit when he is not at work. But on a late week (this week) he is meant to finish at 10pm but he’s been saying that he’s been forced to work until 2am. I’ve neber doubted that before but now I’m having doubts. I know it’s probably just me being silly 🤷‍♀️

Generally I have to pick my own presents or he gets them delivered to his mums. Some years I haven’t even had a present as we’ve agreed not to buy them to save money. I did say no presents this year. We’ve just had. Anew washing machine and I’ve just ordered DD a expensive car seat amongst other things 😬

I checked his emails only because he told me he had messaged his brother to say he was going over by the messages say otherwise...

I didn’t log into his emails to stalk him, I was tracking a very important order. DD’s car seat needs replacing and it’s arriving today before I need it tomorrow!

Having unrestricted access to his emails is weird and controlling. I wouldn’t be happy if my dh did this, I’d find it a bit intrusive and suffocating. Perhaps he’s gone for some time to himself.

Why did he make up such an extravagant lie?
He could have just said he was popping into town first to have a look around and chill out with a coffee.
I would ask him about it.
Or I'd keep an eye on things to see if anything else happened.
But don't pre-warn him.
His initial reaction will tell you a lot.

If he is OK with you having access to his emails that's fine. Sometimes you just get that gut feeling that something isn't right and there isn't any type of person that has an affair. I think you should play it cool and see what's said. If he lies to you just be patient and wait and see what happens next.

There was a thread earlier today about a man reading his wife's messages and the overwhelming response was LTB. Not trusting your partner seemed to be seen as controlling and grounds for ending the relationship.
'Naughtily' reading his FB messages seems to say something about the way you view your relationship.

No one can be trusted 100% you just don't know anyone that well. The only person you do know is yourself and if the relationship is causing you angst it's either you that's causing it with trust issues or something is wrong.

Just to clarify, he knows I sometimes log into his emails.. he knows this. I checked his Facebook messages to see if it was true that his brother had said he was in and to go over. His brother had messaged him to say he won’t be back until tomorrow (he does need to see his brother about something). I don’t regularly check his Facebook
Messages!!!

Could it be that he planned to go see his brother, realised or found out his brother isnt in and decided to pop to town instead?

Paranoid much ?

A year ago I would agreed with everyone else, saying don’t worry but now I’d say, ask him outright & if anything doesn’t make sense, then dig further. I found out my partner of 9 years was having an affair with a work colleague & it had been going for over a year. When I first had a doubt, I brushed it away but then curiosity got the best of me and low and behold I found sexual text messages dating back months. My advice is use your gut instinct.

What a way to live

Having unrestricted access to his emails is weird and controlling.

If OP's DP has granted her this access and is aware she uses his email account, how is it controlling?

If my DP was saying he was going to work but went somewhere else, I'd be curious as to what was going on also.

Ask him how his day went when he gets home.

Wow! You seem paranoid to me.
If this was my DH I wouldn't even give it a second thought and would assume he had changed plans or was surprising me with a birthday present.
It wouldn't occur to me to naughtily check his Facebook messages and the fact you did is so invasive and sad.

From personal experience I will always tell someone in your position to trust your gut, but only you can really know if there is any merit to these suspicions.
It seems like there is some underlying doubts in regards to his honesty. And again only you can know if this is you being irrationally paranoid or if there is actually something wrong here.

I don't think any of us need to tell you that it is a massive breach of trust to be checking up on him like that... But at the same time I can also understand someone acting out of character and doing this, when faced with the reality that the person you should be able to trust the most might have lied to you - however wrong it may be...

Regardless whether he has or hasn't lied, I really think you should be looking more into the distrust you have displayed - for whatever reason you are having doubts in regards to his honesty, which is so unhealthy for the both of you.

That being said, absolutely noone deserve this angst. My advice is to take a deep breath and think this through before you decide to confront him about it.
Once said, words of distrust can never be taken back.