My partner of 6-7 years lied to me..

[JKCR2017]

So me and Oh been together 7 years soon, nothing has ever made me not trust him before. Generally when he’s not at work, he’s at home...

Anyway, today he was due to start work at 2pm. He said was leaving early to go to his mums and speak to his brother about his brothers new job (not out of the ordinary, his Mum lives a mile from his workplace). He left at 11.30...

Anyway, I’ve pottered around collected DS from school with DD.

Now, I am always logging onto his emails. He knows this.. we share everything financially etc and I use his email address a lot as my inbox is always full of junk. I had ordered a car seat for DD in his name and I logged on to track it....

His emails are pretty boring but I spotted an email from just park. Just park is an app you use to pay to park rather than using the coin meter. He had parked for 2 hours in the nearest town 8 miles away.

Now, it’s more than likely he has gone to get me a birthday present (birthday in 2 weeks) but why so secretive? Usually I got to pick my own bleddy presents!! 🤷‍♀️ Or he orders something!!

He said he was going to see his brother. He had messaged his brother about popping in (I naughtily been checking his fb emails) and his brothers out the bloody county and I’m sure his mum is at work.

Should I ask why he lied or not?

I'm not trying to flame you because I think from what you say it's normal for you both to be so focused on what the other is doing at any given moment

I am rather agog though ...unless it's childcare related and about pick ups and drop offs we operate more of a turn up when we turn up policy I can't imagine how it would feel if we even noticed a detour let alone commented on it

Don't you find this suffocating to be so reliant on another person's movements ?

What does he do for work, could he have been meeting a client? Or are you guys married? Could he have been buying and engagement ring?

I had complete blind trust and never checked a thing with my ex.

Then, like OP, some things did not add up and sadly when I actually looked there was all the texts/bank transactions etc of an affair. My ex still denied all of it even in the face of incontrovertible evidence!

I am not one bit concerned that I snooped. The problem with just asking is that IF there is an affair then he will just lie/hide his tracks better. You need to know. Best case is that you feel a bit stupid that you doubted him.
If he is innocent then great and he need never know you went looking and you can stop doing so in the future. Your duty is firstly to your child and yourself. Protect THAT.

The posters saying your relationship should be 100% built on trust....has anyone ever ever lied and cheated on you? It is amazing the lengths some partners will go to to hide things. Once it happens you are never that trusting again. I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

I would watch and wait. As others have said, your gut instinct will guide you. When you think you are going mad and imagining things you probably aren't. Something is making you question....trust it.

The 10pm finish moving to 2am is weird. Can you not try to contact him at work one time on a work telephone number?

Wishing you well and truly hoping it all has a good outcome x

I discovered my partner of 4 years was sleeping with a girl from work by checking his FB messages so I can’t really point the finger. However ... I had very good reason to suspect him of cheating, in fact I had everything bar hard proof, and I have never checked a partner’s messages before or since. Unless you have a very good reason to suspect him of wrongdoing, you need to break the habit of reading his emails and messages. It will completely erode the trust in your relationship over time.

I haven't read entire thread for updates but I'd defintldy give him benefit of doubt and wait for your bday to see if its gift related before jumping to conclusions.

I'd be livid if shoe was on other foot and I tried to surprise husband and he accused me of being up to no good.

If not gift related post birthday then hell yes, I'd be asking why he lied.

DH and I know passwords for each other's email etc. I logged into DH's email yesterday to get a reset code for a website we use as we had forgotten the original password. If I had seen something odd I would have look too. I don't see anything that suggests control in the OP. However, I would ask DH what is was all about and see what his reaction was.

If OPs read the opening post she was checking for something specific on his email with his permission when she saw something that made her worried. Give the woman a break she is worried and concerned about his behaviour.

Without knowing his job it's hard to comment if 2am finish time is odd

I think the OP should be wondering what it is about her behaviour that means her partner is lying about doing something entirely normal. Yes there is the possibility he's up to no good, but given the way she's thinking and behaving I think it's more likely that he lied to avoid being grilled about what he was doing.

OP - come baaaack.

What happened when you asked him how his brother was?

DH and I know each others phone passwords. Does that give me the right to read everything on his phone? Of course it doesn't. I would only use his phone if mine was dead or there was an emergency it something like that.

We respect each others privacy!

If you are an intelligent human being then it's natural to not trust someone 100%. Trust until proven otherwise though. You know your own partner and what's normal don't you. I must admit I've done the odd bit of snooping. I found a condom in my partners wallet and I had the coil fitted for sometime. I couldn't prove anything though. So I didn't go looking for trouble there's a difference between stumbling on something and checking up on everything. It must be very tiring policing someone's moves.

There's a lot of nonsense here about op being controlling.

She regularly uses his email address. He knows this. It's not for everyone, but that's how they operate in their relationship.

She logged in to check delivery on an item and noticed an email for parking, on a day that he shouldn't have needed parking. Of course that would ring alarm bells. It's not a panic situation, but most sensible people - coupled with the sudden working late - would dig deeper. And I'd say the same if op was a man.

I agree with GloomyMonday.

you guys say paranoid but.. he said he was going to his brothers??? HIS BROTHER ISN'T THERE! this isnt about her checking his emails, fair enough he could be in town but then why lie?

Either he's up to no good (and bloody stupid to put his email in for parking) or he didn't want to say for some reason. That could be because he was getting a present. Or it could be because the OP is controlling and he didn't want the third degree.

None of us know the truth. Only the OP, if she is honest with herself, can say whether it's likely that he's not saying due to her behaviour.

Sorry for the late reply. Two crazy kids have been keeping me on my toes..

I didn’t set out to stalk him yesterday or ever. In fact the complete opposite. I logged onto his emails with his password (I know his password because we are in the kinda relationship where we share everything). I have never felt the need to check up on him, ever.

So I went into track my order, and the next email down was from ‘just park’. We use just park all the time as neither of us never have any change. But I worried as neither of us had been into town for a week or two so naturally I was curious. Wouldn’t anyone of been curious to why a guy who never goes out shopping was paying to park 🤷‍♀️

So yeah I checked his Facebook emails. Again he leaves his Facebook logged on DS’s iPad so it’s not like I’m hacking him, his brother wasn’t in (oh had messaged him to ask when he could swing by). Funnily enough, he did actually have to go his brothers today again 😂 I believed him this time as he left much closer to his start time.

Anyway, being the upfront person I am about 20 minutes after I posted this on here I sent Oh a screen shot of his parking time and in a town 15 miles away from his work place which also seemed a lot of faff seeing as the main road is shut due to road world and the alternative route has horrendous traffic lights.

I think the main point is, I don’t make it a secret to Oh that I use his emails.

Anyway, he hasn’t actually told me what he went for but I can only assume that it was for a birthday present. Usually I have to pick out my own!!

For anyone calling me paranoid. Generally I am not. We have been together a long time, we live together, own a house together. I am
Not working atm so generally we use his name/bank for mostly everything including the £200 car seat that we ordered for DD, I was tracking it and curiously opened an email that baffled me for a moment. IMO that doesn’t make me paranoid. It’s not like I’m religiously checking his stuff. I know his passwords for most things if I wanted to check, but I don’t log in unless there’s a purpose (like yesterday).

Today, I’ve realised I was being silly but we all have those panic moments!!

JKCR, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone here. I believe that the steps you took were perfectly reasonable. I hope that you receive a nice gift and that you don’t come across any more ‘dodgy’ behavior.

Definitely not controlling. In fact I wish he would go out more when he’s not at work tbh. I’m always encouraging to go out and have some fun with friends but he doesn’t like going out much. So that’s why yesterday was so out of character...

I agree that checking his Facebook messages was a step too far but it was a moment of panic and curiosity got the better of me. oh had told me that his brother had messaged him just before he left to say he was in, which wasn’t true.

I’ve never had a reason to check his Facebook messages before and I don’t.

As for the emails, it’s really not as bad it seems. I use his email a lot, he knows this, I have his password and log in to send important emails to DS’s health care professionals who also contact us using it, I made DD’s school application with his. I order everything in his name generally as I have no choice but to use his bank details as he is the earner. It’s pretty much become a joint account and one email baffled me for a moment that’s all. It wasn’t like I bloody logged onto check up on him. I was tracking an order and it was underneath what I was looking for that’s all!!

Thanks MsDogLady 😊

Some couples do happily share inboxes.

This is true. DH and I used to share an email address and neither of us would consider it 'snooping' if the other opened up our inbox.

The OP wasn't snooping when she opened his account, she had a legitimate reason for doing so. She then saw something that didn't add up and this led her to investigate further. It would have been better to ask her OH before 'cheekily' checking his emails and Facebook messages. But she doesn't sound like she's been particularly controlling prior to this.

Here’s hoping he’s got you a super duper birthday present

Happy birthday for two weeks time.

Isn't it great how some of us girls have a wonderful, delightful way of winding ourselves up and imagining awful things out of something usually entirely innocent.

Girl. I do it too. Don't apologise!

Whilst I agree that checking partners messages is controlling and also damaging behaviour to both your own heart, mind and also the relationship - I don't see how OP has crossed the line with it, by merely checking for an email sent for her.

I hope that all is well and just a misunderstanding. I'd be the same in your situation - I know how easy it can be to let your own doubts and worries get the better of you! Maybe worth seeing when you and OH can get away for a little date or alone time soon.

Paranoid much?

You see one (probably innocent) email and straight away think the worse and start checking his messages.....

I feel sorry for hubby...

I get it, OP! DH and I are in the same kind of relationship. We know each others' passwords...we have nothing to hide and don't see it as a big deal.

FWIW, my first thought was that he's gone to buy a ring :)

I highly doubt he went to buy a ring. He would have no idea what size to buy (neither would I) as I’ve never really worn rings 🤣 but it did cross my mind as we’ve been talking about marriage (in the future) a lot lately and knows my grandparents won’t to be around to see us get married (I haven’t pressured him at all btw)

He also can’t afford a ring after Christmas and this week a new washing machine and a car seat for DD! 🤣