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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner of 6-7 years lied to me..

76 replies

JKCR2017 · 14/01/2019 15:51

So me and Oh been together 7 years soon, nothing has ever made me not trust him before. Generally when he’s not at work, he’s at home...

Anyway, today he was due to start work at 2pm. He said was leaving early to go to his mums and speak to his brother about his brothers new job (not out of the ordinary, his Mum lives a mile from his workplace). He left at 11.30...

Anyway, I’ve pottered around collected DS from school with DD.

Now, I am always logging onto his emails. He knows this.. we share everything financially etc and I use his email address a lot as my inbox is always full of junk. I had ordered a car seat for DD in his name and I logged on to track it....

His emails are pretty boring but I spotted an email from just park. Just park is an app you use to pay to park rather than using the coin meter. He had parked for 2 hours in the nearest town 8 miles away.

Now, it’s more than likely he has gone to get me a birthday present (birthday in 2 weeks) but why so secretive? Usually I got to pick my own bleddy presents!! 🤷‍♀️ Or he orders something!!

He said he was going to see his brother. He had messaged his brother about popping in (I naughtily been checking his fb emails) and his brothers out the bloody county and I’m sure his mum is at work.

Should I ask why he lied or not?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/01/2019 21:58

Tbh OP it does sound as if you monitor him, whether you would admit that to yourself or not. It could just be a little nasty habit you've got into. Half looking for something to obsess about.

Do you own letters addressed to him as well?

TheBigBangRocks · 14/01/2019 22:00

If a man posted to say he had been reading his wife's private fb messages and her emails (not the shopping one he was meant to be looking for) he would be called controlling and she advised to think carefully if he was worth it etc.

I'd leave a partner who snooped on me like this, it's controlling and shows a distinct lack of trust so what would the relationship actually be worth?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/01/2019 22:23

I didn’t log into his emails to stalk him, I was tracking a very important order. DD’s car seat needs replacing and it’s arriving today before I need it tomorrow!

That may well be true but you did stalk him and I'd bet he wouldn't have given you access if he thought you would so you need to rescind it now.

You can clear your inbox of junk and you can use his card details with your inbox. Both of those are just excuses.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2019 22:47

If ask how his brother is when he returns. I'd then wait for your birthday and ser if he gets you anything.

Keep an eye open and don't say anything or accuse without proof. That'll tip him off.

Trust your gut.

summersoonplease · 14/01/2019 23:40

I'd say keep an eye on it... I'm not comfortable with him saying he's seeing his brother and you now know his brother isn't there... now the working until 2am ... just keep an eye on things.. ask how his brother was see what he says if he tells you he was fine etc then I'd question it, if he's 'forced to work til two' again maybe try that new car seat out and take a drive to his works ... i would, but that's me

BaeBae · 15/01/2019 00:01

Oh good grief, give the OP a break ffs! They share an email pretty much! She got freaked and looked at FB messenger - she is not stalking him she had made that transparent. She’s clearly feeling worried and has come on here to ask advice not for her understandable actions to be picked apart!

OP I would just come clean and say you’d seen the car parking email and was surprised as you thought he was at brothers... is everything ok etc. See what he says. I’m sure you do trust him but this is a little odd. I’m sure there’s nothing in it, but if my partner saw an email like this and asked me about it I’d be happy to fess up or say it was for a Birthday pressie! You’ve done nothing wrong and there’s nothing wrong in asking.

bloggingmumny · 15/01/2019 00:59

You said his emails are pretty boring which shows you are clearly aware of the normal contents.

I find it horrifying that you went and read his FB messages. Do you always know where he is down to the minute? Poor guy!

If the shoe was on the other foot MNers would be screaming at you to LTB with many stories of abuse.

Ucangourownwoo · 15/01/2019 01:07

Just ask him

Graphista · 15/01/2019 01:50

"He could have just said he was popping into town first to have a look around and chill out with a coffee." Given how op is reacting to a PARKING EMAIL I'm not so sure he COULD without risking a Spanish Inquisition!

(And I'm normally one of the first to shout "ltb - there's an OW"!!)

Curious? Yes

Immediately jumping to a possible negative reason AND then checking FB messages too? Paranoid and controlling.

You're not married, have a baby that I am guessing is less than a year old, have a birthday soon - I'd actually be erring more towards proposal.

But it could just be a "normal" birthday present or surprise, he could have a health concern and been seeing a specialist of some kind, he could be job hunting for a better paid job seeing as you're not working right now but not wanting to get your hopes up or put pressure on himself... Any number of possibilities.

pallisers · 15/01/2019 01:58

Whoever said "what a way to live" is right.

checking his emails, presuming something is up if he deviates from what he said to you this morning, going through his FB messages. Why?? If dh reacted the way you did to me going into town without running it past him first, I'd see it as a massive red flag.

Chickenwings85 · 15/01/2019 02:04

If you're not married could it be that he's actually gone into town to possibly buy you a ring?

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 15/01/2019 02:09

Fucking hell, if a man came on here and confessed to that behaviour he'd be hunted down, hung, drawn and quartered Shock

MsDogLady · 15/01/2019 03:59

JKCR, in my opinion, what you did was entirely reasonable. The issue is that your partner lied about his whereabouts. He parked and spent 2 hours in a town he rarely travels to, that is nowhere near his work. He told you that he was going to visit his brother, who is actually out of the country. He told you that he messaged his brother to announce his visit, but his messages don’t back this up. He may have gone into town to buy you a gift, but this would be unusual. Lately your partner has told you that he must work until 2 am instead of the usual 10 pm.

You feel that something is amiss and you should trust your instincts. Ask about his brother and keep your eyes open.

RebootYourEngine · 15/01/2019 04:12

The parking wouldnt bother me by itself but the parking, lying about where he was going and suddenly needing to stay at work another 4 hours every day would make me think something is going on.

Boysandbuses · 15/01/2019 05:15

This really isn't ok.

I left a controlling husband. By the end I would have probably lied too. Because if I had said I was going into town there would have been an issue. I was fed up of having every moment controlled.

Ops are right. If I had posted here telling people that exh was using my emails and Facebook to track my movements, I would have had lots of support.

GloomyMonday · 15/01/2019 05:55

OP, at one time I would have said that there were lots of innocent explanations, but since discovering dh's affair I am less naive.

I would not challenge him about it as, if he is cheating, he will just give you a plausible lie and get better at covering his tracks.

As pp have said, just ask after his brother and his reply will tell you whether you have anything to worry about.

Surely if he had just gone to buy you a gift he'd have said that he was going into town to buy you a birthday present?

And fwiw I do not think you sound particularly controlling. You use his email address a lot and he knows this. I assume he also has access to your emails and social media? You only checked messenger after seeing the email that made you worry. When women post on here about suspicions they are usually told to trust their instincts and do some digging.

BusterGonad · 15/01/2019 06:13

He probably needed a break from you op, I'm not being rude but you sound a bit controlling.

category12 · 15/01/2019 06:27

Crikey, a lot of responses completely zeroed in on "snooping". If the dp has been happy to share his email with the op, it's really not controlling. We've no evidence to assume that op has insisted on it for nefarious reasons. Some couples do happily share inboxes.

bigchris · 15/01/2019 06:33

Op if you feel something is off trust your instincts and ask him before it drives you crazy Flowers

BaeBae · 15/01/2019 08:05

There are so many other threads on here where the op has found something on partners phone etc and no one says a thing, if anything they encourage and tell her to snoop more! Why is this op getting flamed? It’s ridiculous. Nothing else she has said indicates she is controlling!!

I like Mumsnet but am ashamed for sisterhood the way some posters reply to other women on here sometimes.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 15/01/2019 08:18

I like Mumsnet but am ashamed for sisterhood the way some posters reply to other women on here sometimes.

So we can ignore the Op’s controlling behaviour because vagina Hmm

As someone who got out of a relationship where if I took longer to go to the shop than was expected, seeing a long queue meant I’d be in shit by the time I’d get home having to constantly defend myself about why it took so long, having my phone constantly checked it’s a awful way to live, I hope OP’s DP is getting an escape plan to get away it’s what I had to do

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/01/2019 08:25

Crikey, a lot of responses completely zeroed in on "snooping". If the dp has been happy to share his email with the op, it's really not controlling.

It's still an invasion of privacy. She has access to his email account to send and receive her own emails, not to read through everything and anything of his. If i invite a friend into my house for a cup of tea I don't expect to find them rifling through my filing cabinet.

Daisydoesnt · 15/01/2019 08:26

I cannot fathom how people can think this is a healthy way to live or have a relationship. The basis of everything is trust, and respect. You seem to have neither of those for your husband. I’ve been married to my DH for nearly 20 years and I have not once checked his emails, his phone or anything else. I wouldn’t dream of it, and I know he wouldn’t mine.
Is it just a habit you have got into OP? If your relationship was at crisis point that would be one thing but checking up on him as a matter of course and snooping through his private things is rude and disrespectful.

swingofthings · 15/01/2019 08:26

I don't think you're paranoid. You mutually agree that you would have accrss to his email so clearly he had nothing to hide then. You went on it for a valid reason. OK, so you opened the parking email which you could have just ignored but you clesrly have some bad vibes. You then found out something that contradicted what he told you so it would make sense at this point to go and check what they had agreed.

This + the saying that he is working late would enough for me to question things and need some reassurance. I'd wait until you birthday, see if what he got you is indeed something he would have bought in town. If not, then I would certsi ly question what he was doing there, the opposite of his workplace. It doesn't make sense to drive early in a town further away from work to sit and have a cup of coffee.

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2019 08:27

Why is this op getting flamed?

Because those of us who've been here a long time have seen the HUGE difference in responses to the exact same situation when the OP has been a man. In those cases 95% of responses will be he's a controlling fuckwit and only 5% will say "trust your gut" and encourage him to snoop more; but when the OP is a woman 50% of the responses will defend her behaviour and encourage her to snoop more.

That's why.